my weekly thank-you notes right now.

Is that cool with you guys? Thank you.

I appreciate that.

James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?

[ Piano plays ]

-Wow. -Thank you, buddy.

-On fire!

Thank you, trick-or-treating,

for proving that if there's one thing

that will actually get me to go for a walk,

it's the possibility of free food.

[ Laughter ] Yeah, I'll do it.

[ Applause ]

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, White House staffers John Kelly and John Bolton,

for having a shouting match about immigration this week

and reminding us all exactly why

we're not going home for Thanksgiving this year.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, umpire gear, for making every umpire

look like he just stole a bunch of frozen pizzas

from a gas-station food mart.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-What's up?

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, monogram towels, for letting your dinner guests

know that the towels in your bathroom are, in fact, yours.

[ Laughter and applause ]

These aren't my towels.

-These aren't mine.

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, movie-theater popcorn,

for being served exactly two ways --

no butter at all or all the butter.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, flu shots,

for forcing me to choose which activity I like better,

getting the flu or being stabbed.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-[ Laughs ] [ Piano plays ]

-Are you just laughing at the silence?

-Yeah.

Flu shots, you know. -Yeah.

-Is this the last one or no? -What's that?

-Is that the last thank-you note?

-No, you can see there's more than --

There's probably three more.

-You're right. I wasn't paying attention.

-You thought it was the last one?

-I thought it was the last one, but now --

-Now you believe three there?

-Yeah, no. I see those three piles.

I'm a fool.

Go for it. Sorry.

-Apology accepted.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Piano plays ] -Glad you took it.

-What's that? [ Laughter ]

Tip of the hat. -Yeah, tip of the hat to you.

-Tip of the hat to you, yeah. -Governor.

[ Laughter ]

Who you going to thank? -What's that?

I'm just thinking about who I'm going to write these --

this thank-you note to.

-You make them up as you go, right?

-That's correct. -Yeah.

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, ordering fries for the table,

or as that's also known,

pretending I'm not going to eat all the fries

so I'm ordering them "for the table."

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Yeah! Maybe three.

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, drawers at the bottom of the fridge,

or as vegetables call you, coffins.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Now, is this the last one?

[ Laughter ]

-What's that? -Is that the last one?

-Absolutely. What do you think?

Yeah, you saw it, right?

-Again, you're right. I'm not paying attention.

I can clearly see that's the last one.

-Oh, I'm wrong sometimes. I'm sorry. I apologize.

-No, I apologize to you.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

-I can hear -- You're right in front of the --

The microphone's right in front of you, yeah.

-It's right here? -Yeah.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. [ Laughter ]

I'm ready for this last one.

[ Laughter ]

-That mic is practical. Is that mic on?

-This one? -Yeah.

-Hello? No.

Sometimes it is.

-This one is.

[ Laughter ]

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, out-of-office messages,

for letting me know that you'll definitely

see my e-mail over your vacation

but there's no chance in hell you're replying.

There you guys have it. Those are my thank-you notes.