FIRST QUESTION IS, HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE TO GO SHOPPING?

DO YOU LIKE TO SHOP?

[cheers and applause]

AND--OH, I'M NOT SENDING YOU ANYWHERE.

DON'T GET--

[laughter]

NEXT QUESTION IS, HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE TO DRINK?

[cheers and applause]

AH.

HOW MANY OF YOU ALREADY STARTED DRINKING EARLIER TODAY?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HERE'S GOOD NEWS: NOW YOU CAN DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? THERE'S A TREND NOW.

THERE'S STORES LIKE NORDSTROM AND URBAN OUTFITTERS

AND BROOKS BROTHERS,

THEY'RE PUTTING BARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR STORES.

YES.

[cheers and applause]

WHAT TOOK SO LONG FOR THAT TO HAPPEN?

THAT'S REALLY A GREAT IDEA,

THAT YOU CAN DRINK AND SHOP AT THE SAME TIME.

BUT SOME STORES ARE TAKING IT TOO FAR.

I WALKED INTO THIS STORE LAST WEEK,

AND THERE WERE, LIKE, HALF-NAKED WOMEN STANDING AT THE DOOR

AND IMMEDIATELY OFFERED ME A SHOT,

AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS CRAZY!"

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "THIS IS HOOTERS!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH.

UH-OH. WRONG STORE."

I THOUGHT IT WAS A CUTE OWL STORE.

I WAS GOING IN TO BUY SOME OWL STUFF.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IT COULD BE A GOOD IDEA.

YOU REALLY--LET'S BE HONEST. IS IT REALLY SMART?

I MEAN, YOU'RE TRYING ON SKINNY JEANS AND BATHING SUITS--

I MEAN, YOU HAVE A FEW SHOTS OF TEQUILA IN YOU,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ANYMORE.

"AH, THIS LOOKS GOOD."

SHOPPING CAN BE STRESSFUL.

THERE'S THAT FLUORESCENT LIGHTING.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK SAD.

CONSTANTLY HAVING DEBBIE OR LUCY

OR WHATEVER THE SALES LADY'S NAME IS

BRING YOU THE RIGHT SIZE.

"NO, ONE SIZE UP, I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY THE TWO SIZES UP THEN."

THEN YOU HAVE TO FIND THE GOOD MIRROR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, 'CAUSE...

THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR BUTT LOOK MORE KARDASHIANIST

OR SOMETHING.

THEN YOU ONCE YOU FINALLY FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE,

YOU NOTICE IT LOOKS BETTER ON THE MANNEQUIN,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY DOES THAT LOOK BETTER ON THE MANNEQUIN?"

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEIR ARMS DON'T BEND

SO THEY CAN'T SHOVEL CINNABUNS INTO THEIR MOUTH LIKE...

THAT'S WHY.

[cheers and applause]

I'M TELLING YOU.

ONCE THEY START MAKING MANNEQUINS WITH ARMS THAT BEND,

THEY'RE GONNA GET FAT, THOSE MANNEQUINS.

ANYWAY, THERE ARE ALSO PLENTY OF REASONS

WHY DRUNK SHOPPING COULD BE BAD.

THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MADE GOOD DECISIONS WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK?

YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP TEXTING YOUR EX.

YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP CUTTING YOUR OWN BANGS.

YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP WITH THINGS THAT ARE PERMANENT--

A BABY.

SO WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA END UP BUYING

IF YOU'RE TIPSY?

ONE TIME I HAD A DRINK AND I WENT TO COSTCO,

AND I BOUGHT A PILLOW THAT I THOUGHT

WAS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING I EVER PUT MY HEAD ON.

I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING. IT WAS A SNOW TIRE.

I HAD BOUGHT--

IN MY BED, A GIANT SNOW TIRE WITH CHAINS AND...

OH.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT DRUNK SHOPPING.

THERE'S ONE THING THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO DO AFTER A FEW DRINKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

HOW DARE YOU?

I'M TALKING ABOUT DANCING.