There are ways of being polite, that badly miss the mark

然而，有很多種禮貌卻非如此

and can leave us feeling oddly detached and dissatisfied.

還可能讓我們覺得很疏離和不滿意

Picture the person who ends up, despite their best efforts,

想像一種人，儘管盡了最大的努力，

seeming what we can call "coldly polite".

我們還是稱他們為「冷淡的禮貌」

They may be extremely keen to please those they're seeing.

他們可能非常熱切地要取悅他們正在交涉的人

They obey all the rules of etiquette, they offer their guest drinks, ask them questions about their journey,

他們遵守所有的禮節，提供客人飲料、問他們旅途順不順利、

suggest they might want a little more gravy, remark on the interest of a recent prize winning novel.

建議他們多淋些肉汁、評論一部最近得獎的小說

And yet, they never manage to make their hospitality feel either engaging or memorable.

然而，他們卻始終無法讓他們的殷勤吸引人或令人印象深刻

It may be a long time, before another meeting with them is suggested.

照這個情況看來，可能還要等很久才會有下一次客人來訪了

By contrast, there is the person we recognize as a warm, who follows the cold person in the basic principles of politeness,

相較之下，有一種人是溫暖的，他們和冷淡的人遵循一樣的基本禮貌原則，

but manages to add a critical, emotionally comforting ingredient to their manner.

但在他們的禮節中加入了一些評論的、有感情的慰問成分

They might, when we have an evening plan with them, suggest making toasted cheese sandwiches at their place

他們可能會在有夜晚計畫的時候，提議去他們家裡做烤起司三明治

rather than going out to a restaurant.

而非去餐廳用餐

They might chat to us through the bathroom door;

他們可能會隔著廁所門和我們聊天；

put on the songs they loved dancing to when they were fourteen;

播放他們在14歲的時候喜歡隨之起舞的音樂；

plump up a cushion, and slot it behind our back;

挑一個鬆軟的靠墊，塞在我們背後；

confess to feeling intimidated by mutual acquaintance;

承認對彼此的共同好友感到威脅；

bring us a posy of daisies, or a card they made;

帶給我們一束雛菊或是自己做的卡片；

call us up when we're down with a flu and ask how our ears are feeling;

在我們得流感的時候打電話關心，問我們耳朵感覺如何；

mention they like our haircut, and then when we spill something or fart by mistake exclaim

提到他們喜歡我們的新髮型，或是在我們不小心打翻東西或放屁的時候大叫：

"I'm so glad you did that, it is usually me".

「還好這次是你，通常出糗的都是我」

Beneath the difference between the warm and the cold person,

在溫暖和冷淡的人之間的差異之下，

lies a contrasting vision of human nature.

是人類天性的對比性格

Broadly, the cold person is operating with an implicit view that those they are attempting to please

廣泛地說，冷淡的人固有的觀念是他們想要取悅的對象

are creatures endowed only with the highest needs.

是只有被賦予最高需求的人

As a result, all kinds of assumptions are made about them

想當然爾，所有假設都是從他們的角度出發

That they are interested exclusively in so called "serious topics",

他們只對所謂「認真的主題」有興趣

specially art and politics.

尤其是藝術和政治

That they will appreciate a degree of formality in dining and sitting;

他們欣賞一定程度的用餐和起居禮節；

that they will be strong, self-contained and mature enough, never to have any hunger for reassurence or cosiness,

他們夠堅強、有內涵、成熟，對安全感或舒適感從來沒有任何需求，

and that they will be without urgent physical vulnerabilities and drives.

他們也沒有急迫的生理需求和衝動

which might prove deeply offensive if they were mentioned.

如果提到這些還可能會冒犯到他們

These higher beings would, the cold host believes, wins if someone suggested they curl up on the sofa with a blanket

這些「高人一等」的人類相信，當有人建議他們可以包著毯子窩在沙發上，

or handed them a copy of magazine about filmstars when they headed for the bathroom.

或是要去廁所時遞給他們一本娛樂八卦雜誌時，某種程度代表他們贏了

Yet, the warmly polite person is always deeply aware that the stranger irrespective of their status or outward dignity

然而，溫暖有禮的人總是明白無論什麼地位或看似多有尊嚴的客人，

is a highly needy, fragile, confused, appetitive and susceptible creature.

其實都是有很多需求、脆弱的、困惑的、有歡吃、有感情的生物

And they know this about the stranger because they never forget this about themselves.

他們之所以會知道客人是如此，是因為他們不會忘記自己也是這樣

Warmly polite people have much in common with the character Kanga, the tenderly maternal kangaroo in A. A. Milne's "Winnie-the-pooh" books.

溫暖有禮的人和米爾恩的書「小熊維尼」中溫柔的母親角色─袋鼠媽媽，有很多共通點

In one of the stories the little animals are deeply disconcerted by the arrival in the Hundred Acre Wood of Tigger,

其中一個故事中小動物們困擾於跳跳虎來到百畝森林，

who's very big, very loud and bouncy and assertive.

跳跳虎非常巨大、吵鬧、精力充沛且武斷

They treat him with caution and are, we might say, coldly polite.

他們謹慎地對待他，或我們可以說是─冷淡的禮貌

But when Tigger finally meets Kanga, she is immediately warm with him.

但當跳跳虎終於遇見袋鼠媽媽時，她立刻溫暖的對待他

She thinks of him in much the same terms as she does her own child Roo.

她看待他和看待自己的孩子小荳的方式近乎相同

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness.

只因為動物體型很大，並不代表牠不想被友善對待

"However big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.", says Kanga.

袋鼠媽媽說：「無論跳跳虎看起來多大，記住他和小荳想得到的友善是一樣的。」

In what might be a definition of the essence of the philosophy of warmth.

這可能是何為溫暖的哲學本質的一種定義

Sometimes it is deeply generous to think that another person may be more elevated than us.

有時候認為其他人比我們更高貴是非常有雅量的

Collectively, we've taken this thought very much to heart.

大家都是一樣的，我們已經深深接受這想法

We've internalized distance and learned caution, moving on from the naivety of the small child

我們已經將人與人的距離內化也學會了謹慎待人，從小孩子時的天真爛漫，

who wonders sweetly, when you're sad, if you might like to sniff their grimy blanket.

還會貼心的想說，當對方傷心時，可能會想要用他們的髒手帕擤鼻子

But the warm person knows that however solid and dignified someone appears on the outside,

但溫暖的人知道無論一個人看起來多堅毅、有尊嚴，

behind the scenes there will inevitably be a struggling self.

在表象下無可避免的是個掙扎的個體

Potentially awkward, easily bemused, beset by physical appetites, on the verge of loneliness and frequently in need of nothing more subtle or elevated

潛藏的笨拙、容易困惑、苦惱於身體慾望、處於孤獨的邊緣、並且時常不需要精緻或高等的東西

than a cheese sandwich, a glass of milk and a hug.

只是需要一個起司三明治、一杯牛奶、和一個擁抱