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IT IS NOW MY HONOR TO WELCOME BACK TO THE "LATE SHOW," "THE
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FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES, IT IS MY HONOR TO WELCOME BACK
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MICHELLE OBAMA.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
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( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
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>> YEAH!
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>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
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>> YOU, TOO.
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YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET!
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THANK YOU, GUYS.
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>> Stephen: WELL, I HAVE KNOWN A FEW PEOPLE.
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I HAVE KNOWN A FEW PEOPLE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., AND NOT ALL OF
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THEM GET THAT KIND OF RECEPTION WHEN THEY GO SOMEPLACE.
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SO YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THE EIGHT YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
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>> YES.
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ALMOST-- WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF THERE!
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>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
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IS IT AT ALL BITTERSWEET?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Stephen: OR YOU'RE LIKE, "WHERE'S THE EXIT?"
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>> IT'S DEFINITELY BITTERSWEET.
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I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS, LIKE, THE LAST, YOU KNOW.
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AND I FIND MYSELF CHOKING UP BECAUSE WE HAVE RAISED OUR KIDS
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IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
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WE'VE HAD SO MANY AMAZING EXPERIENCES.
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WE HAVE A PHENOMENAL STAFF.
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WE LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE US AND CARE ABOUT US.
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AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE WALKING AWAY FROM ALL THAT AND
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IT'S JUST BEEN AN HONOR.
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>> Stephen: HAVE YOU HAD TO SAY TO THE KIDS, "BE PREPARED.
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THE NEXT HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS."
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>> I ACTUALLY MADE MY KIDS START PACKING THEIR ROOMS ALREADY.
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IT'S LIKE, GET THIS DONE.
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WELL, YOU KNOW.
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>> Stephen: YOU DON'T UPON TO KEEP IT TO THE LAST MINUTE.
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>> MY THING SIF YOU DON'T PACK IT, I'M THROWING IT OUT.
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THAT'S WHAT I DO.
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>> Stephen: THEN IT ENDS UP ON E-BAY.
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>> IT'S ON E-BAY, I SELL IT.
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YOU KNOW.
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>> Stephen: WELL, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION I HAVE TO ASK
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YOU IS WHAT IS BEYONCE REALLY LIKE?
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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SHE'S-- SHE'S SO TALENTED THAT I HAVE TROUBLE LOOKING AT HER
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WITHOUT MY RETINAS BURNING OUT.
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YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HANG OUT LIKE FRIENDS, RIGHT?
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>> YOU SHOULDN'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE.
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SHE'S A SPECIAL PERSON.
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>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE BEYONCE'S BEYONCE?
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SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU.
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>> SHE'S A SWEETHEART.
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SHE'S SMART.
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SHE'S CREATIVE.
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SHE'S A GREAT MOTHER.
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SHE LOVES HER FAMILY.
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SHE'SA-- YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST A LOW-KEY LADY.
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SO WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON IN THAT WAY.
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EXCEPT I CAN'T SING.
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I CAN'T DANCE.
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( LAUGHTER ).
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>> Stephen: YOU CAN DANCE.
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I'VE SEEN YOU DANCE.
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>> NOT LIKE BEYONCE.
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>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS "ESSENCE"
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MAGAZINE.
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THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL-- ( APPLAUSE )
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TALKING ABOUT YOUR EIGHT YEARS IN THERE.
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BUT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS PICTURE, WHICH WHEN IT WAS
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RELEASED, BURNED THE INTERNET TO GROUND, RIGHT THERE.
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( APPLAUSE ) WHAT--
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>> THAT'S ME AND MY BOO.
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>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE LIKED YOU ALREADY.
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YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO RELEASE THIS PHOTOGRAPH.
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WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING TO EACH OTHER THERE?
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HOW DID THIS MOMENT COME ABOUT?
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>> YOU KNOW, BARACK IS HORRIBLE IN PHOTO SHOOTS, AND I HATE
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DOING PHOTO SHOOTS WITH HIM, SO I'M SURE RIGHT THERE I WAS
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SAYING, "WOULD YOU JUST BE PATIENT AND STOP.
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DON'T RUSH THE PHOTOGRAPHER."
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HE'S LIKE, "I THINK WE GOT THE SHOT.
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I CAN GO, CAN I GO?" "NO, YOU CAN'T GO."
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THAT WAS EXACTLY-- BARACK HAS TWO SMILES FOR A PHOTO.
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IT'S LIKE THIS SMILE OR THIS SMILE.
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( LAUGHTER ) AND HE JUST SORT OF LIKE, "I
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THINK WE'RE DONE.
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WE HAVE IT."
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AND IT'S LIKE, "NO, WE DIDN'T.
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THESE PHOTOGRAPHERS THEY HAVE BEEN SETTING UP FOR HOURS."
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HE COMESES IN AND SAYS, "I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU FIVE MINUTES."
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I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX, SO THEY
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CAUGHT THAT DISCUSSION.
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( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S
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HAPPENING RIGHT THERE?
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>> CHILL OUT.
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CHILL OUT.
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>> Stephen: "PLEASE, PLEASE, JUST ONE MORE PHOTOGRAPH."
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>> AND HE'S LIKE, "REALLY?" >> Stephen: WHO IS IT HARD
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TORE GET TO STAND FOR A PHOTOGRAPH, YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR
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CHILDREN?
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>> OH, MY HUSBAND, WITHOUT A DOUBT.
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WELL-- YEAH, HIM.
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HE'S TOUGH.
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I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY HIM OR BO AND SONNY.
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>> Stephen: WELL?
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>> HIM.
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( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, THAT SMILE,
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THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD IMPRESSION OF YOUR HUSBAND.
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DO YOU DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOUR HUSBAND?
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>> WE ALL THREE OF US HAVE GOOD IMPRESSIONS OF BARACK.
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>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND SHARING A LITTLE BIT?
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>> IT'S USUALLYT DINNER TABLE BECAUSE YOU KNOW-- MALIA WILL
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START IT BECAUSE SHE USUALLY ASKS SERIOUS QUESTION.
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"DAD, TELL US ABOUT YOUR KAY.
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AND WHAT ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION ON GLOBAL WARMING?"
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AND SASHA AND I ARE LIKE, "NO, DON'T GET HIM STARTED."
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AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, I'M GLAD-- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT.
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LET ME JUST-- LET ME JUST ANSWER THAT IN THREE POINTS.
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ONE--" AND THEN ONE-"A," AND ONE-"A" AND "B."
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AND SASHA AND ARE LIKE OH!
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>> Stephen: YOU'RE LIKE, PROFESSOR, CAN I AUDIT THIS
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LECTURE?
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>> BECAUSE SASHA AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE SONG ON
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THE "LEMONADE" ALBUM.
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HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE IS THERE I HEARD YOU SAY ABOUT THE
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PRESIDENT THAT HE LEAVES THE JOB AT THE DOOR WHEN HE COMES INTO
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THE RESIDENTIAL PART OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
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>> HE DOES.
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>> Stephen: IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
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I CAN'T LEAVE MY JOB AT THE DOOR.
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HOW DOES HE LEAVE THAT AT THE DOOR?
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>> YOU KNOW, AT LEAST OUR TIME TOGETHER.
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WHEN HE FIRST WALKS IN, WE HAVE DINNER.
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IT'S USUALLY DINNER TIME.
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SO THAT'S THE TIME WHEN UNLESS MALIA ASKS HIM ABOUT HIS WORK,
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WHICH WE TRY NOT TO HAVE HER DO, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS, YOU
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KNOW.
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"HOW WERE YOUR DAYS?
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WHAT'S GOING ON?
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WHAT'S THE LATEST GOSSIP?" HE'S REALLY INTO GOSSIP, SO YOU
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CAN GET HIM-- BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A LIFE.
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( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, BUT HE'S GOT
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THE N.S.A., AND HE CAN FIND OUT WHAT ANY OF US ARE THINKING.
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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SO BEING THE FIRST LADY, BEING THE FIRST LADY, OBVIOUSLY, IS A
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LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
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IT'S A GREAT HONOR AT THE SAME TIME.
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DO YOU HAVE ANY FIRST LADY-- WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THE LAST
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EIGHT YEARS-- DO YOU HAVE ANY FIRST LADY FAUX PASS, LIKE "I
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CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MOMENT?" >> SO MANY OF THEM.
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THEY USUALLY INVOLVE PRONOUNCING SOMEBODY'S NAME WRONG.
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I'M SO HORRIBLE.
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>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
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>> OH, GOD, NAMES ARE SO HARD.
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AND I PRACTICE AND I TRY TO GET-- AND THEN I GET UP THERE
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AND I MESS IT UP.
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EVEN NAMES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
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I MEAN, KIDS THESE DAYS, THEIR NAMES.
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I MEAN-- I CAN TELL YOU, I THINK I'VE GOT IT RIGHT.
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I'M LOOKING AT THE NAME CARD, AND IT'S LIKE, NO, IT'S NOT
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TERRY, IT'S TER-REE.
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I'M USUALLY JUST LIKE, "HEY, SWEETIE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
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I HAVE GIVEN UP ON THAT.
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>> Stephen: IT'S COLBERT, YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE "T."
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>> AND IT'S NOT STEVE.
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IT'S STEPHEN.
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>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
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THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING.
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>> I REMEMBER THAT, I REMEMBER.
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>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.
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>> BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY TOUCHY ABOUT THAT.
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( LAUGHTER ).
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>> Stephen: WAS THERE-- CAN YOU HAVE AN "OH, MY GOD MOMENT.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
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THIS FUN THING I GOT TO DO."
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>> SO MANY.
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SLEEPOVER AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
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>> Stephen: WHAT?
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>> YEAH, WHAT?
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>> Stephen: DID YOU AND THE QUEEN PAINT EACH OTHER'S
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TOENAILS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
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>> NO, THEY HOSTED US FOR THE STATE DINNER.
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WHEN YOU'RE THE GUEST COUNTRY YOU STAY AT THE PALACE.
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I REMEMBER ORDERING FRENCH FRIES AT THE PALACE.
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THEY WERE GOOD.
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>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE FRENCH FRIES AT THE WHITE HOUSE?
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>> YES, YOU HAVEEG AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
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DO YOU THINK -- >> MISS ORGANIC VEGETABLES.
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>> HEY, HEY, NOT EVERY DAY.
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BUT YOU KNOW.
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I LOVE FRENCH FRIES.
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I AM A BIG FRENCH FRY FANATIC.
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THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO EAT VEGETABLES BECAUSE --
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>> JUST TO BALANCE IT OUT.
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>> TO BALANCE IT OUT, FOR SURE.
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IT WOULD GET UGLY.
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>> Stephen: YOU SAID TO OPRAH-- MY GOOD FRIEND OPRAH.
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PLEASE SAY HI.
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>> I WILL.
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>> Stephen: THAT YOUR HUSBAND-- I WANT TO GET THIS
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RIGHT-- YOU CALLED HIM SCITUATE SWAGGA-LICIOUS.
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>> I DID.
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>> Stephen: HOW IS SWAGGA-LICIOUSNESS ACHIEVED?
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>> IT'S A PERSON THAT HAS A LOT OF SWAG.
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AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SWAG IS, STEVE, YOU DEFINITELY DON'T
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HAVE IT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK
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IT'S TIME TO GO TO A COMMERCIAL.
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I'LL WORK ON MY SWAG.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.