I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

它有個同樣令人不安的答案

which has an equally disturbing answer.

我的題目是家庭暴力的秘密

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

我將要談到的問題

and the question I'm going to tackle

每個人都在問：

is the one question everyone always asks:

為什麼她要繼續留著？

Why does she stay?

為什麼會有人要留在打她的男人身邊?

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

我不是心理學家、社工

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

或家庭暴力的專家

or an expert in domestic violence.

我只是位有個故事可說的女性

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

當年我22歲，剛從哈佛畢業

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

我搬到紐約進行人生第一份工作

I had moved to New York City for my first job

是Seventeen雜誌（青少年雜誌）的作家和編輯

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

我擁有我第一間公寓

I had my first apartment,

第一張信用卡

my first little green American Express card,

而且我個很大的秘密

and I had a very big secret.

我的秘密是，我曾經被這支槍

My secret was that I had this gun

被我自認的靈魂伴侶

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

裝進中空彈並瞄準我的頭部

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

很多、很多次

many, many times.

我愛這個男人勝過地球上所有的人

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

但他拿著槍抵著我的頭，威脅說要殺我

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

次數多到我都數不清了

more times than I can even remember.

我在這要告訴你「瘋狂之愛」的故事

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

是心理的陷阱偽裝成愛

a psychological trap disguised as love,

讓數百萬的女性甚至一些男性

one that millions of women and even a few men

年年陷入不可自拔

fall into every year.

這甚至可能也是你的故事

It may even be your story.

我看起來不像一位典型的家暴生還者

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

我擁有哈佛大學英文系的學士學位

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

華頓商學院的商業管理碩士學位

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

我幾乎都在世界前500大的公司工作

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

我嫁給我第二任丈夫已快20年了

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

我們有三個小孩

and we have three kids together.

有一隻黑拉不拉多犬 我開本田Odyssey小箱型車

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我要講的第一件事是

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

家庭暴力會發生在所有人身上

happens to everyone --

所有種族、信仰、職業和教育程度

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

它無所不在

It's everywhere.

而我想讓大家思考的第二件事是

And my second message is that everyone thinks

大家都認為家庭暴力只發生在女性身上

domestic violence happens to women,

是件女性議題

that it's a women's issue.

其實並不然

Not exactly.

超過百分之85的施暴者為男性

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

而家庭暴力只發生在親密、相互依存且長期的關係中

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

換句話說，是在家庭內

in other words, in families,

是我們最不希望、或期待看到暴力的地方

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

這也是家庭暴力令人困惑的地方

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

我很想告訴你，我是世界上最不可能

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

在先生打我時還留在他身邊的人

who would stay with a man who beats me,

但事實上，由於我的年紀，我是位典型的受害者

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

我當時22歲，而在美國

I was 22, and in the United States,

16到24歲的女性成為家暴受害者的機率

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

是其它年紀的女性的三倍

to be domestic violence victims

是其他年紀的女性的三倍

as women of other ages,

這個年齡中，美國每年有超過500位的女性

and over 500 women and girls this age

被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

are killed every year by abusive partners,

被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

我成為典型的受害者也因為

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

我對家庭暴力的警訊和模式一無所知

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

我在濕冷的一月夜晚遇見康納

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

他在紐約地下鐵坐在我旁邊

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

並開始與我閒聊

and he started chatting me up.

他告訴我兩件事

He told me two things.

第一，他也才剛從長春藤盟校畢業

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

他在華爾街一家極知名的銀行上班

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

但讓我在這第一次會面裡最印象深刻的是

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

他很聰明且幽默

was that he was smart and funny

他看起來很純樸

and he looked like a farm boy.

他有著圓通通的紅臉頰

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

褐黃色頭髮

and this wheat-blond hair,

他看起來也很窩心

and he seemed so sweet.

從一開始，康納做得最聰明的一件事

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

是創造出一個假象 讓我成為這感情中的主導者

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

為達到這個目的，自一開始

He did this especially at the beginning

他就特別的崇拜我

by idolizing me.

我們開始約會，他喜歡我的一切

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

他覺得我很聰明、我讀過哈佛

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

我對於幫助青少年女性和工作都很有熱情

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

他想知道關於我家庭的一切

He wanted to know everything about my family

我的童年，對未來的希望與夢想

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

身為一位作家和女性，康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

身為一位作家和女性，康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的

in a way that no one else ever had.

他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

by confessing his secret,

他說他從很小，四歲開始

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

by his stepfather,

這情況嚴重到他在八年級時必須輟學

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

即使他很聰明

even though he was very smart,

他說他花了近20年重建人生

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

這也是為什麼長春藤盟校

Which is why that Ivy League degree

華爾街的工作和前程似錦的未來

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

對他而言十分重要

meant so much to him.

如果當時有人告訴我

If you had told me

這位聰明、幽默、體貼並愛慕我的男人

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

有一天會主宰我是否要化妝

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

穿多短的裙子

how short my skirts were,

住哪裡、做什麼工作

where I lived, what jobs I took,

我的朋友是誰、我要在哪過聖誕節

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

我會笑你

I would have laughed at you,

因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

because there was not a hint of violence or control

因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

I didn't know that the first stage

我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

in any domestic violence relationship

是要引誘並吸引受害者

is to seduce and charm the victim.

我也不曉得第二步是要孤立受害者

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

康納當然沒有突然某天回家宣布

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

"嘿！這場羅密歐與茱麗葉的戀愛很棒

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

但我必須向下一步邁進

but I need to move into the next phase

我必須孤立你並施暴於你" （笑聲）

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

"所以我必須要讓你遷出這間公寓

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

因為鄰居會聽見你的尖叫

where the neighbors can hear you scream

也要搬出這城市，這樣你的朋友、家人和同事

and out of this city where you have friends and family

才看不到你身上的瘀青"

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

某周五晚上康納回家後

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

his dream job,

他說他辭職是因為我的緣故

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

因為我讓他感到安全並且被愛

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

他不需要再到華爾街去證明自己的能力

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

他只想要離開這個城市

and he just wanted to get out of the city

遠離他暴力的、不正常的原生家庭

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

搬到新英格蘭的小鎮

and move to a tiny town in New England

在那裡與我一起開始他的新生活

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

當時，我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

當時，我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

and my dream job,

但我想，人會為了靈魂伴侶而做出犧牲

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

所以我同意了，我辭掉我的工作

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

而康納和我一起離開曼哈頓

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

我一點也不曉得我正陷入瘋狂之愛

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

我正一頭栽進一個經過小心盤算

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

是身體、財務與心理的陷阱

physical, financial and psychological trap.

家庭暴力模式中的下一步

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

是引入暴力的威脅

is to introduce the threat of violence

並觀察女性的反應

and see how she reacts.

槍就是在這時出現的

And here's where those guns come in.

當我們一搬到新英格蘭

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

一個康納應該要感到十分安全的地方

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

他買了三把槍

he bought three guns.

他把一把放在車子前側的置物櫃

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

一把放在我們床上枕頭的下面

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

第三把放在口袋裡隨身攜帶

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

他說他需要這些槍

And he said that he needed those guns

是因為他童年時經歷的創傷

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

他需要它們才能感到受到保護

He needed them to feel protected.

但那些槍其實對我是件警訊

But those guns were really a message for me,

即使他從沒對我動手

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

每時每刻，我的生命已經充滿危機

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

康納第一次對我肢體攻擊

Conor first physically attacked me

是在婚禮前五天

five days before our wedding.

那時是早上7點，我還穿著睡衣

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

我在電腦前工作，試著完成一份寫作的案子

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

我那時有些沮喪

and I got frustrated,

康納拿我的憤怒做為藉口

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

將他雙手掐住我的頸部

to put both of his hands around my neck

掐得很用力以至於我不能呼吸或尖叫

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

他勒著我脖子

and he used the chokehold

抓著我的頭去不斷撞牆

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

五天後，我脖子上的十隻指印已散去

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

我穿上我母親的婚紗

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

嫁給了他

and I married him.

即使發生了那件事

Despite what had happened,

我當時相信我們仍會過著幸福快樂的日子

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

因為我愛他，他也深愛著我

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

而且他也非常、非常後悔

And he was very, very sorry.

他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

and by becoming a family with me.

這是單一個案

It was an isolated incident,

他不會再傷害我

and he was never going to hurt me again.

這樣的事情在蜜月又發生了兩次

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

第一次，我正在開車找尋秘密海灘

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

我迷路了

and I got lost,

他用力地揍我的側邊頭部

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

the driver's side window.

幾天之後，從蜜月開車回來時

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

他又因為塞車而生氣

he got frustrated by traffic,

把冷掉的大麥克堡往我臉上丟

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

在我們接下來兩年半的婚姻中

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

康納持續的以一週一或兩次的頻率打我

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

and alone in this situation.

三位美國女性的其中一位

One in three American women

在生命中會經歷過家暴或被跟蹤

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊

are abused every year, 15 million.

所以我其實並不孤單

So actually, I was in very good company.

回到我的問題

Back to my question:

為何我仍然留下來?

Why did I stay?

答案很簡單

The answer is easy.

我並不知道他在對我施暴

I didn't know he was abusing me.

即使他拿著那些裝上子彈的槍對著我的頭

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

把我推下樓梯

pushed me down stairs,

威脅要殺我們的狗

threatened to kill our dog,

在我開高速公路時把車鑰匙拔下

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

當我正在為工作面試而打扮時

poured coffee grinds on my head

把咖啡渣倒在我頭上

as I dressed for a job interview,

我從來不認為我是位受折磨的妻子

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

反而，我認為我是位堅強的女性

Instead, I was a very strong woman

與一位大有問題的男人相愛

in love with a deeply troubled man,

而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人

and I was the only person on Earth

而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人

who could help Conor face his demons.

另一個大家都會問的問題是

The other question everybody asks is,

為什麼她不離開？

why doesn't she just leave?

為什麼我仍留著？我隨時都可以走啊

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

對我而言，這是人們所問最令我最悲傷、痛苦的問題

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

因為我們受害者知道一些你們通常不了解的事：

because we victims know something you usually don't:

離開施暴者是件非常危險的事

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

因為家暴模式中的最後一步

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

是殺害被害者

is kill her.

超過百分之70的家暴謀殺案

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

發生在受害者決定結束雙方關係之後

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

是在她離開之後

after she's gotten out,

因為加害者此時已無所顧忌

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

離開後另外的結果包括長期跟蹤

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

即使加害者已再婚

even after the abuser remarries;

或斷絕財務資源

denial of financial resources;

以及操弄家庭法庭制度

and manipulation of the family court system

讓被害者及其子女感到恐懼

to terrify the victim and her children,

因為家庭法官經常會強迫這些子女

who are regularly forced by family court judges

在沒有監控的情形下

to spend unsupervised time

與毆打他們母親的加害者共處

with the man who beat their mother.

但我們仍然會問，為什麼她不離開？

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

我最後終於離開

I was able to leave,

是因為最後一場殘暴的毆打

because of one final, sadistic beating

讓我再也無法自我否認

that broke through my denial.

我了解我若不採取手段

I realized that the man who I loved so much

這位我所深愛的男人將會殺害我

was going to kill me if I let him.

所以我打破沉默

So I broke the silence.

我告訴所有人

I told everyone:

警察、鄰居

the police, my neighbors,

朋友、家人和陌生人

my friends and family, total strangers,

我現在之所以能在這裡，是因為你們都幫助過我

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

我們對受害者常有刻板印象