TUESDAY.

YOU'RE ON YOUR HONOR.

BUT AROUND HERE, FRIDAYS ARE SPECIAL FOR ANOTHER REASON,

BECAUSE LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF LAST WEEK KNOW THAT WE

INTRODUCED OUR VERY FIRST INSTALLMENT OF "FRIDAY NIGHT

FIGHTS."

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: I SET UP A HYPOTHETICAL FIGHT BETWEEN TWO

THINGS.

COULD BE ANYTHING: THE 1980 OLYMPIC MIRACLE TEAM VERSUS THE

HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS, HITLER VERSUS DARTH VADER,

A CRAB WITH A KNIFE VERSUS FERRET WITH A GUN.

( LAUGHTER ) THEN WE POST THOSE MATCH-UPS AS

POLLS ON TWITTER AND LET YOU, THE PEOPLE, DECIDE WHO SHOULD

WIN THE BATTLE.

SO GET READY FOR...

>> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS" EVERYBODY!

JOINING ME NOW TO ANNOUNCE LAST WEEK'S RESULTS IS MY FRIEND AND

PRODUCER, PAUL DINELLO.

PAUL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> EXCELLENT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU REALLY?

>> PRETTY GOOD.

>> Stephen: OKAY, PAUL, I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU'RE FEELING

GOOD BECAUSE YOU HAD THE WINNER LAST WEEK OF OUR FIRST MATCH.

WHICH PITTED MARVEL SUPERVILLAIN THANOS

AGAINST SANTA CLAUS.

MY INFINITY GEMS WERE ON THANOS, BUT TWITTER DISAGREED.

SANTA WON WITH 53% OF THE VOTE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BIG SURPRISE.

THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE.

PEOPLE BACKED THE GUY WHO GIVES THEM FREE PRESENTS.

FIX WAS IN!

WHAT SAY YOU?

>> I SAY THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND IN THIS CASE, THE PEOPLE AND

ME.

( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT ROUND WAS LEBRON JAMES

WITH GREEN LANTERN'S RING RING VERSUS MICHAEL JORDAN

WITH A GENIE LAMP.

I WENT WITH LEBRON, BUT M.J. AND HIS LAMP MASSACRED HIM ON

TWITTER, TAKING 65% OF THE VOTE.

BUT I SAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT A FAIR FIGHT.

LEBRON WAS BY HIMSELF, BUT WE ALL KNOW WHO WAS IN M.J.'S

GENIE LAMP-- SHAQ!

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T GET TO CLAIM VICTORY ON THAT ONE.

WE ALSO ASKED A MUCH MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION, WHAT I

BELIEVE IS THE CENTRAL QUESTION OF OUR FRIENDSHIP:

"WHO LOVES THE OTHER ONE MORE, PAUL OR STEPHEN?"

>> RIGHT.

AND WE EACH BET ON OURSELVES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DO.

>> LOVE.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO FIND OUT THE RESULTS?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU SURE BECAUSE TWITTER LOOKED AT US AND

79% SAID I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S SCIENCE!

THAT'S SCIENCE, PAUL.

I WIN.

YOU LOSE.

THAT'S LOVE.

>> I'M NOT SURE THAT GETTING MORE LOVE MAKES YOU THE LOSER.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> HOW DOES THAT ADD UP?

>> Stephen: >> Stephen: WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> LOVE IS LIKE A GIFT, STEPHEN.

SOME SAY IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE.

YOU KNOW WHO SAYS THAT?

>> Stephen: WHO?

>> PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET GIFTS.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IF I DIDN'T LOVE

YOU SO MUCH, I WOULD HATE YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF HERE.

>> WHAT?

>> Stephen: GET OUT!

>> I WON TWO OUT OF THREE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WHY SHOULD I LEAVE?

>> Stephen: IT'S MY SHOW, LEAVE.

>> OH, ALL RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THE REAL REASON YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE PAUL

IS BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M GOING UP AGAINST A FRENEMY.

HE WRESTLED AT THE UNIVERSITY OF HARVARD.

HOBBIES INCLUDE CALLIGRAPHY, AND DANCE.

HE IS AN ASTROPHYICIST AND THE DIRECTOR OF THE HAYDEN

PLANETARIUM.

GET READY FOR NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NEIL, HAVE A SEAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

NEIL, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

OKAY, BEFORE WE GET STARTED, BEFORE WE LAUNCH INTO THE

FIGHTS, I HAVE GOT TO ASK YOU.

SCIENTISTS ARE NOW SAYING THERE MAN A NINTH PLANET OUT BEYOND

THE ORBIT OF NEPTUNE.

QUESTION: WHAT IS THE DEAL?

>> THE DEAL IS THAT IT'S, FIRST, IT'S NOT PLUTO-- JUST TO MAKE

THAT CLEAR.

>> Stephen: I KNOW.

WE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE PLUTO.

>> NO, NO, I JUST -- >> NO, NO--

>> WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

SO IT'S NOT JUST A LITTLE BIT BEYOND NEPTUNE OR PLUTO.

IT'S, LIKE, 50 TIMES FARTHER AWAY.

SO WE WANT TO CALL IT PLANET NINE AND MAKE IT ALL PART OF THE

FAMILY, BUT THIS THING IS SO FAR AWAY, THAT IT HAS YET TO

COMPLETE AN ORBIT AROUND THE SUN SINCE THE ICE AGE.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YEAH, SO I DON'T WANT TO GET ALL COZY WITH IT BECAUSE IT'S

NOT ONE OF US.

>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

SO IT'S INFERRED BY MY COLLEAGUES-- MY COLLEAGUES, GOOD

PLANETARY COLLEAGUES, MIKE BROWN AND HIS COLLEAGUES FOUND IT THIS

-- >> THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO

DEMOTED PLUTO FROM A PLANET-- >> THEY FOUND A PLANET BIGGER

THAN PLUTO THAT NO ONE WANTED TO CALL A PLANET AND THAT MEANS IT

WOULD DRAG PLUTO DOWN WITH IT AND FORCED THE VOTE SO PLUTO

LOST.

>> Stephen: WHATEVER LETS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.

CAN WE CALL THIS ONE BLUTE PLOOUTO?

>> IF YOU'RE REALLY NOSTALGIC, I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH

THAT.

IT'S VERY FAR OUT THERE, AND WE KNOW-- THE WAY TO FIGURE IT OUT

IS YOU LOOK AT THE REST OF THE STUFF ORBITING OUT THERE, AND

YOU SAY THIS IS COLLECTING OVER HERE WHEN IT SHOULD BE OVER

THERE.

THERE MUST BE SOME UNSEEN FORCE OF GRAVITY ENABLING THAT, SO YOU

BACK-CALCULATE THE EQUATIONS AND SAY THERE'S GOT TO BE AN OBJECT

10 TIMES THE MASS OF EARTH OVER THERE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

SO, THUS, THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> Stephen: THE FACT THAT THERE IS A LARGE NINTH PLANET

OUT THERE THAT WE DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE, DOES THAT EXPLAIN WHY UP

UNTIL NO NOW ASTROLOGY DIDN'T MAKE SENSE?

THIS WHOLE OTHER PLANET WE DIDN'T ACCOUNT FOR.

>> IT WOULDN'T NEED THAT TO ACCOUNT FOR ASTROLOGY NOT MAKING

SENSE.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW BIG IT IS.

IT'S BETWEEN THE SIZE OF THAT PLANET AND THAT PLANET.

>> Stephen: DO YOU WEAR ALL OF YOUR TEXTBOOKS ON YOUR BODY?

>> YOU JUST NEVER KNOW -- >> I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT YOUR

BOXERS LOOK LIKE.

OR WHO YOU'VE STHOAN THEN TO.

WHEN I WAS A KID THERE WAS TALKAVE NINTH PLANET, THAT

PEOPLE WERE CALLING PERSEVEN ME THAT COULD BE A LARGE GAS GIANT

PULLING IN A COMET.

IS THIS THE KIND OF THING WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?

>> NOT THIS ONE-- WELL, OKAY, IT MIGHT BE IMPLICATED IN SUCH A

DIABOLICAL ACT OF REDIRECTING COMETS TO THE INNER SOLAR

SYSTEM, ENDING LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE PREPARED TO HEAP UPON THIS

OBJECT JUST YET.

>> Stephen: SO IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL US ALL.

>> NOT JUST YET.

>> Stephen: ENOUGH CHITCHAT, ARE YOU READY FOR THE FIGHTS?

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

OUR FIRST MATCH-UP.

IT'S A CLASSIC, PITTING TONY THE TIGER AGAINST MR. PEANUT.

LET'S GO.

THE PEOPLE KNOW THIS IS A RAZZLE-DAZZLE.

TELL OF THE TAPE, FOLKS.

WE'LL START WITH TONY.

HE COMES IN AT 9'6", 832 POUNDS.

HIS TRAINING DIET CONSISTS OF SUGAR-COATED CORN FLAKES, AND

BECAUSE HE'S A TIGER, HUMAN FLESH.

TONY'S WEAKNESSES INCLUDE HIGH BLOOD SUGAR AND A POSSIBLE

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

FIGHTING OUTFIT: NECKERCHIEF, NO PANTS.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, DON'T YOU THINK?

>> TIGER IS THE BIGGEST CAT.

>> Stephen: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE HIS OPPONENT,

NEIL, IT'S MR. PEANUT.

COMING IN AT 5'10" 6'9" WITH TOP HAT, 250 POUNDS OF PROTEIN AND

HEALTHY FATS, THIS DAPPER GOOBER-PEA IS KNOWN FOR HIS

SNACK-POSITIVE ATTITUDE, IMPENETRABLE BATTLE SHELL, AND

IS RUTHLESS ENOUGH TO SELL THE SKINLESS BODIES OF HIS OWN KIND.

WEAKNESSES: POOR VISION IN RIGHT EYE, BIT OF A DANDY.

FIGHTING OUTFIT: TOP HAT, PANTS UNCLEAR.

OKAY, NEIL, NEIL, YOU'RE THE SCIENTIST HERE.

BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME.

( APPLAUSE ) TONY THE TIGER VERSUS

MR. PEANUT.

WHO DO YOU LIKE HERE?

>> FIRST OF ALL, I ATE SUGAR-FROSTED FLAKES BACK WHEN

THEY WERE CALLED SUGAR FROSTED FLAKES.

>> Stephen: THAT WAS A VERY HONEST DEPICTION.

>> LIKE SUGAR POPS AND SUGAR SMACKS.

SUGAR BECAME THE "S" WORD AND BECAME EXPUNGED.

>> Stephen: THEY JUST STARTED USING FROSTING AFTER THAT.

>> TONY TIGER HAZE LOT OF SUGAR IN HIM.

I CAN TELL YOU THIS THAT FAT AND OILS HAS TWICE THE ENERGY

DENSITY OF SUGAR.

HAVE YOU EVER BURNED A PEANUT?

TAKE A PEANUT AND PUT IT IN A BLAME UNTIL IT IGNIGHTS AND FULL

AWAY AND IT WILL BURN FOR FIVE MINUTES.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING MR. PEANUT IS A WALKING, TALKING

SHELL FILLED WITH NAPALM READY TO BLOW?

>> IT IS AN ENERGY-- IT HAS TWICE THE ENERGY DENSITY OF ALL

THE SUGAR THAT TONY THE TIGER BECAME FROM HAVING EATEN THAT

CEREAL.

>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT TONY?

THEY HAVE A POOIT STRENGTH OF 1100 POUNDS PER SQUARE INCH,

RAZOR HELP SHARP CLAUSE, DON'T YOU THINK HE TAKES THE PEANUT

OUT?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

I'VE SEEN MR. PEANUT AND THE WAY HE DRESSES-- THE TOP HAT,ICLE,

CANE, ANYONE WHO DRESSES THAT WAY REPRESENTS A COLONIZING

EMPIRE WHO WILL JUST SHOOT THE TIGER, STUFF HIM AND PUT HIM IN

A MUSEUM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, SO HE'S GOT AN

ENTIRE-- HE HAS AN IMPERIAL POWER BEHIND HIM.

>> HE HAS AN ENTIRELY IMPERIAL, NAVY.

GO TO @STEPHENATHOME.

PUT YOUR THUMBS WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.

WHO WILL WIN.

NEXT UP, IT'S THE TITLE FIGHT.

WE'RE ASKING, WHICH IS MORE INESCAPABLE, THE SUPER MASSIVE

BLACK HOLE AT THE CENTER OF OUR GALAXY OR THE OBLIGATION TO BE

WITH YOUR FAMILY AT THE HOLIDAYS?"

LET'S RUN THE NUMBERS.

( APPLAUSE ) COMING IN WITH A DIAMETER OF

50 MILLION KILOMETERS AND AN ESTIMATED 8.2 TO THE POWER

OF 1,036 KILOGRAMS, THIS SUPER-MASSIVE BLACK HOLE

SUCKS....

HARD.

STRENGTHS INCLUDE THE ABILTY TO TEAR STARS APART AND STOP TIME.

WEAKNESSES: STEPHEN HAWKING, AND GETTING PULLED OVER BY

POLICE MORE OFTEN THAN WHITE HOLES.

AN UNPARALLELLED GRAVITATIONAL FORCE, RIGHT?

>> YUP, NOTHING LIKE IT.

>> Stephen: EXCEPT FOR ITS COMPETITOR, NEIL, YOUR FAMILY AT

THE HOLIDAYS.

THEY COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.

YOUR FAMILY KNOWS YOUR BUTTONS AND HOW TO PUSH THEM.

SITTING WITH THEM AT DINNER IS LIKE WATCHING YOURSELF AGE.

STRENGTHS INCLUDE FULLY-STOCKED REFRIGERATOR, THE POSSIBILITY OF

PRESENTS, AND THE WARM FEELING YOU GET FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

BEDROOM.

WEAKNESSES INCLUDE THE WEIRD FEELING YOU GET FROM BEING AN

ADULT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD BEDROOM, AND THE FACT THAT THE NEW DOG

DOESN'T LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS THE OLD DOG DID.

OKAY, NEIL, WHO'S GOT A STRONGER GRAVITATIONAL PULL?

BLACK HOLE, FAMILY AT CHRISTMAS?

>> AS AN ASTROPHYSICIST, I GOTTA GO WITH THE BLACK HOLE.

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

I GOT ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

>> WHAT'S THAT.

>> Stephen:NANA IS 97.

SHE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU ONE MORE TIME BEFORE SHE DIES.