It is true,

的確，

I lost the presidential election in 2012 to Mr. Barack Obama.

我在2012年的總統大選輸給了貝拉克歐巴馬。

But that is only because I thought the world was ending,

但這是因為我以為世界末日已經來臨，

So I withdrew from the election and hid under a rock on top of me.

所以我放棄那場選舉並且躲在石頭底下。

But now in 2016,

但在2016年，

It is finally time for me to formally announce to the country,

終於是時候讓我向國家正式宣佈，

No, the world.

不，是向全世界。

No, the entire city!

不，是向整座城市！

That I, Ryan Higa, will once again be running

正式宣布，我，瑞安比嘉，即將再次參選

Four (for) kilometers down the road to the registrations office,

跑四公里路到登記處，

Where I will fill out all my information,

也就是我即將填妥資料的地方，

To run for president, again!

為了再次參選總統！

No, thank you for having me.

不，謝謝你的邀請。

Hi, I'm Ryan Higa.

嗨，我是瑞安比嘉。

And today I'm going to show you how easy it is to run for president by example.

而今天我即將透過例子來告訴你參選總統有多簡單。

After 5 simple lessons, you'll have all the tools necessary to run for president.

五堂簡單的課程後，你將擁有所有參選總統的必備技能。

Including your own campaign slogan.

包含你的競選廣告口號。

Which in my opinion is the most important part.

也就是我認為最重要的部份。

You know which slogans I'm talking about.

你知道我指的是哪些口號。

Hillary Clinton has "Fighting for us".

希拉蕊・柯林頓的是「為我們而戰」。

Donald Trump says "Make America great again.

唐納・川普的是「讓美國再次偉大」。

As for myself, I don't have one yet.

至於我呢，我還沒有一個口號。

But by the end of this video, not only will I have a good campaign slogan,

但在這部影片的結束前，我不僅將有一個好的競選口號，

But a slogan that is better than all the other candidates' slogans put together

更是一個比所有候選人的口號更好的口號。

So let's get started.

那就讓我們開始吧。

The first lesson in running for president:

參選總統的第一堂課：

You gotta be able to answer all the tough questions.

答出所有刁鑽的問題。

For me, answering tough questions is nothing new.

至於我，回答難題並不是什麼新鮮事。

Not only have I answered tough questions.

我不僅能回答問題，

I've answered some of life's toughest questions.

我甚至回答過一些人生最難的問題。

Such as

像是

They were both first the chicken was inside of the egg.

雞一開始都是在蛋裡面的。

Yes, Justin, it is in fact too late to say you are sorry.

是的，賈斯丁，而你現在說抱歉已經為時已晚。

No, no, no. The sum is 19.

不，不，不。總和是19。

Unless you're 19 and you still think 21 is a funny answer.

除非你19歲然後你依然覺得21是個好笑的答案。

No, Frozen 2 does not come out for another 2 years.

不，冰雪奇緣二在兩年內不會上映。

Well, yes. It does make you look a little fat.

好，是的。這的確讓你看起來有點胖。

What, you asked for honesty.

什麼，你要我誠實的。

Wh- Why would you even ask me if you expected a certain answer ?

如果你已經有預期的既定答案，那你幹嘛還要問我呢？

We're just going to the movie theatres why do you even need a dress in the first place ?

我們只是要去看電影，穿什麼洋裝呢？

Can we please just go ?

我們可以出門了嗎？

Thank you !

謝謝！

Now what do you wanna go see ?

現在你想要去看什麼電影呢？

I just told you it doesn't come out for 2 years, Justin !

我剛剛就跟你說了他至少兩年後才會上映，賈斯丁！

Now that you can answer all the tough questions,

那現在你就會回答所有的難題了。

You are now ready for lesson 2.

你現在可以進入第二課了

Addressing the big issues.

解決重大議題。

Every election, candidates are always asked about the same big issues.

每場選舉，候選人永遠被問到類似的重大議題。

Education, gun control, North Korea.

教育，槍械管制，北韓。

All you have to do is talk about those big issues

而你唯一要做的就是探討這些重大議題

And give your very own solutions.

並且提供你的解決之道。

The current "no child left behind" act pushes struggling kids forward

現今的「有教無類」法案推動弱勢孩童向前

And I personally think that is absolutely immoral and wrong.

而我個人認為這是完全不道德且錯誤的。

When there's someone in your group who is slow or disadvantaged

當你的團隊中有人較慢或是處於劣勢

And they're falling behind you and your group

並且進度落後於你和你的團隊

Do you go and push that member forward ?

你會上前推他向前嗎？

Absolutely not ! You slow down and you wait for them

完全不會！你會慢下來等他們。

Because that's what's right

因為這樣才是正確的

I plan to abolish the no child left behind act and establish the no child running ahead act

我計畫廢除「有教無類」法案並且提倡「不讓一位孩童超前」法案

Where we will never push a struggling student

也就是我們永遠不會促進掙扎中的學生

Instead we will slow down the ones that excell

相反的我們會慢下那些過於優越的學生

Not only will we protect South Korea

我們不只要保護南韓

But East and West Korea as well

但也要保護東韓和西韓

And every other direction in between

以及所有其中包含的其他方向

We're still not sure which side North East Korea is on

雖然我們還是不知道北冬韓站在哪一邊

But thank's to my future vice president Kanye

但多謝我未來的副總統肯亞

We know that we have North West on our side

我們知道北西韓是站在我們這邊的 (North West 為 Kanye West 之女兒名）

Some people believe that guns kill people

有些人相信槍械殺人

Others believe that people kill people

其他人相信是人殺人

But I've always believed that people kill guns

但我一直都相信是人殺槍械

And just like pets have protection with PETA

然而就像寵物受到人道對待動物協會的保護一樣

I plan to start Gunna

我計畫開始 Gunna

Where you can have a gun

也就是每個人可以擁有槍械

But if you abuse it in any way

但如果你在任何情況下傷害他

We're gonna kill you

我們會殺了你

Every good politician knows that if you make the people afraid of something

所有成功的政治家都知道如果你使人民害怕某件事

They'll look to you to fix it

他們會期待你解決他

Look at what Donald Trump did for example

看看唐納・川普的例子

With all the recent bombings and terrorism going on

以近日發生的爆炸和恐怖攻擊，

He made the people fear muslims

他讓人們畏懼穆斯林

And Donald Trump says he wants to ban all the muslims from our country

而且唐納・川普說他想禁止我國所有穆斯林

Now I completely disagree with that but I do believe in freedom of speech

而我完全不同意該作法但我相信言論自由

So when I become president Donald Trump can still say whatever he wants

所以當我當選總統後，唐納・川普依然可以想說什麼就說什麼

But I'm going to make it mandatory for him to have a muzzle on

但是我要強制要求他戴上口套

That's right we are going to muzzle him

沒錯，我們要鉗制他的言論

And he will henceforth be known as a muzzle-im

然後他從今以後就會以穆斯林（Muzzle-im與Muslim同音）為名

You see what Trump did wrong is that banning all muslims is unrealistic

你看川普做錯的是禁止所有穆斯林是不實際的

The fear that you introduce needs to be something believable

你解決的恐懼必須是一件可信的事

Something the people can relate to

一件人們可以產生連結的

Something real

一件真實的事

Washing machines ! Not everyone has one

洗衣機！不是所有人都有一台

But for the ones that do

但是擁有它的人

I'm here to tell you

我在此告訴你

That in 2017 all washing machines will come to life

就是在2017年所有的洗衣機都會有生命

And there will be a war

到時就會有一場戰爭

Not just for America but all of humanity

不只於美國而是整個人類

And I know this because I am from the future

而我知道這件事因為我來自未來

Even if you can't keep them you have to make promises of things you would change if you become president

縱使你無法實現諾言你還是要對你當選後會改變的事做出承諾

And these promises just need to be things that everybody would be happy with

而這些承諾只要是會令所有的人開心的事即可

All future award shows will be only hosted by Steve Harvey

所有未來頒獎典禮只會由史蒂夫・哈維主持

Anyone who says the word Hello

任何說「你好」兩個字的人

Will no longer be able to follow it up with "it's me" or "I was wondering"

不可以接著說「是我」或是「我想知道」

Anyone who writes articles that list things

任何寫條列式文章的人

Must put the entire list on that one page

必須把整個名單放在一頁內

Rather than putting a bunch of the things listed on different pages

而非條列很多事項在不同的頁面

So you have to keep clicking "next page"

讓你必須不停按「下一頁」

All sports will be renamed more accurately to what they look like

所有的運動會更精準地以它們的外貌重新命名

Basketball shall be known as bouncy oranges

籃球應該被稱做為彈跳橘子

American footbal shall be called organic egg toss

美式足球應該被稱為有機雞蛋投擲

Tennis will be known as spiderweb slapstick

網球會被稱為蜘蛛網拍棒

And most importantly

而且最重要地

International football or American soccer

國際足球或美式足球

Will no longer be called either

將也不再那樣命名

But instead a combination of the two names football and soccer

取而代之的是結合美式足球和足球的名字

Put together to create a more accurate title

將兩個字放在一起創造更準確的頭銜

Known as flopper

也就是Flopper

Can we get somebody to fix that fireplace ?

我們可以找人來維修那壁爐嗎？

There we go.

那就對了。

And last, but not least:

最後但是同樣重要的：

Your campaign.

你的競選廣告。

Now this is probably the most important one because this is what wins the elections

這或許是最重要的一堂課因為這是勝選的因素

It doesn't really matter what you plan to do or what you plan to change if you have a good campaign

當你有一個好的競選廣告之後，你計畫做什麼或是你計劃改變什麼都已經不重要了

And most importantly - I've mentioned it before:

而且最重要地，我之前提到過：

You gotta have a good slogan

你必須有個好的口號

I can fix it

我能搞定它

From hope to higher ground

從希望到更高的地方

I am fighting for you democrats

我在為你們民主黨人而戰

Make America great again

使美國再次偉大

My name is Ryan Higa

我的名字是瑞安比嘉

And today I need all of you

而今天我需要你們所有人

To help me

幫助我

Find

找到

My

我的

Speech !

演講稿！

It's uh- I think it may have fell out of my pocket on the way in

呃，我想可能在來的路上從口袋掉出了

So the front row if you guys could check

所以第一排的你們請查看一下

I actually can't start without it so if you guys could all pitch in

沒有它我實在無法開始所以如果你們能動手幫忙

We could do this a lot quicker

我們可以更快地完成這件事

Anyone ?

有人找到嗎？

I found it !

我找到了！

See ? Wouldn't want to be choking on this

看吧？我不會想被這噎到的

Can't be president if I'm dead right ?

如果我死了就無法當總統了是吧？

Alright, where were we ?

好的，我們講到哪裡了？

Yes, I may have lost the presidential election in 2012

是的，我或許在2012年的總統大選敗選了

And yes, I may have lost the Teen Choice awards in 2015

並且是的，我或許也在2015年的青年選擇獎敗選

And yes, I may have even lost my iPhone in an Uber 2 weeks ago

並且是的，我或許甚至兩週前在搭Uber後遺失一台iPhone

But there is one thing I will not lose

但有一件事我絕不會輸，就是

This election !

這場選舉！

I know there's a lot of other candidates who have their own visions for this country

我知道其他候選人對這個國家具有遠景

Well not only is my slogan better than all of their slogans combined

但是不只是我的口號比其他候選人的口號更厲害

But I have something they don't have

我甚至有其他人所沒有的，也就是

More YouTube subscribers !

更多YouTube追蹤者！

Even though 60% of those subscribers aren't old enough to vote yet

雖然60%的追蹤者還不到投票的年紀

And 40% can't vote because they are from a different country

而且40%的追蹤者因為在不同的國家而無法投票

That still leaves the rest of you

但我依然還有剩下的你們

And together we can do it !

然後我們可以一起做到的！

A new American leader from the future to defeat the washing machines in a fight for America again

一位來自未來的美國新領導者來替美國對抗這場與洗衣機的戰爭

I'm Ryan Higa and I don't approve any of this sh-

我是瑞安比嘉，而且我不同意任何以上言論

So thank you guys again so much for watching

所以再次謝謝大家的觀賞

If you want to see the previous video click the one on the right

如果你想收看過去的影片請按右邊欄位

If you want to see bloopers and behind the scenes

如果你想收看幕後花絮

Click the one on the left

請按左邊欄位

And remember people

並且請記得

I need you help in order to win this campaign

我需要你的幫忙來贏得這場競選活動

I need all of you to keep hashtagging the hashtag

我需要你們繼續使用

#Higa2016

#Higa2016

And together we can defeat the washing machines

然後我們便能一起打敗洗衣機

And make this country Washing Mac-free

讓這個國家沒有洗衣機