Name: 川普的伊朗政策泡湯？南達科他州州長被撤換！週末爆笑新聞速報 (Trump’s Lack of Iran Plans, Kristi Noem Gets the Axe: Late Night News of the Week)
Uploaded: 2026-03-09T21:36:10.000Z
Duration: 14 min 25 s

And now, if you don't mind, let's get to the news.

The US Launched joint military strikes with Israel against Iran over the weekend in Operation Epic Fury.

這週末，美國和以色列聯手在「Operation Epic Fury」中對伊朗發動了聯合軍事打擊。

Is it a missile strike or a new Mountain Dew?

這到底是飛彈襲擊，還是新的 Mountain Dew 呢？

Folks, this was even more successful than Operation Baja Blast.

各位，這次的行動比 Operation Baja Blast 還要成功喔。

The White House released a photo over the weekend of President Trump overseeing military strikes on Iran from a secure room at Mar a Lago.

這週末白宮公佈了一張照片，是川普總統在 Mar a Lago 的安全房間裡，指揮對伊朗的軍事打擊。

I had a more secure room when I was trying on jeans at Old Navy.

我在 Old Navy 試穿牛仔褲的時候，還有一個更安全的房間。

The White House released a photo of President Trump overseeing military strikes on Iran from Mar a Lago.

白宮公佈了一張川普總統在 Mar a Lago 指揮對伊朗軍事打擊的照片。

Yeah, I probably could have guessed you were in Florida.

嗯，我大概猜得到你在佛羅裡達。

You look like you were drunk in a Jacuzzi and they pulled you out to take this picture.

你看起來就像是在按摩浴缸裡喝醉了，然後被拉出來拍了這張照片。

Trump was overseeing military strikes on Iran from Mar a Lago.

川普總統在 Mar a Lago 指揮對伊朗的軍事打擊。

You started a war in the Middle east and you didn't even go into the office?

你發動了中東戰爭，結果你根本沒進辦公室？

How am I gonna get my writers to come into work when the President of the United States treats war like a teams meeting?

美國總統把戰爭當成 Teams 會議，那我怎麼叫我的編劇們來上班？

President Trump spoke on the phone last night with the New York Times for roughly six minutes, but

川普總統昨晚和紐約時報通話了大約六分鐘，但是

no matter what he said, they refused to tell him the wordle.

不管他說什麼，他們都不肯告訴他 wordle。

President Trump reportedly told FBI Director Cash Patel that he was disappointed with Patel's behavior at the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics.

據報導，川普總統告訴 FBI 局長 Cash Patel，他對 Patel 在米蘭科爾蒂納冬季奧運會上的行為感到失望。

Though if I know Trump, he was mostly upset that Cash was in the men's locker room.

不過，如果我瞭解川普，他最生氣的是 Cash 在男子更衣室。

Paramount Skydance said today that it plans to merge its Paramount streaming service with HBO Max.

Paramount Skydance 今天表示，計劃將其 Paramount 串流服務與 HBO Max 合併。

Just when your parents finally figured out how to watch Yellowstone.

就在你父母終於弄懂怎麼看 Yellowstone 的時候。

Burger King has announced it will install a new AI chatbot into employee headsets to monitor customer interactions and make sure they use specific phrases like please.

漢堡王宣佈將在員工耳機中安裝新的人工智慧哈拉機器人，以監控客戶互動並確保他們使用「請」等特定短語。

Thank you and welcome back, Mr. President.

謝謝您，總統先生，歡迎回來。

A metal detectorist in Wales recently found two lead ingots that are believed to date back to the Roman era.

一位在威爾斯的金屬探測器使用者最近發現了兩塊鉛塊，據信可追溯到羅馬時代。

While the detectorist doesn't date at all.

雖然那位探測器使用者根本沒在約會。

In post, can we put in the sound of, like, somebody hitting.

在貼文中，我們可以放進類似有人在敲打的聲音嗎？

And finally, in honor of the expansion of its D subway line, the Los Angeles metro last week offered new T shirts that read ride the D.

最後，為了慶祝其 D 捷運線的擴張，洛杉磯捷運上週推出了印有「搭乘 D」字樣的新 T 恤。

They're hoping it sells better than the MTA shirt that reads I got f ed.

他們希望這件 T 恤比 MTA 那件印有「我被搞了」的 T 恤賣得更好。

In a new interview, President Trump said that the military is knocking the crap out of Iran, but

川普總統在一次新訪談中表示，軍隊正在痛擊伊朗，但

added, quote, we haven't even started hitting them hard.

他補充說，引述：「我們甚至還沒開始嚴厲打擊他們。」

The Commander in Chief is supposed to be able to keep military secrets.

總司令應該要能保守軍事機密。

He's so excited to bomb people, he can't help himself.

I wouldn't want to be in eastern Tehran at 3am tomorrow, I can tell you that much.

我可不想明天凌晨三點在德黑蘭東部，這我跟你說。

It honestly feels like he would have told us by now.

說真的，感覺他早就告訴我們了。

During a Medal of Honor ceremony yesterday at the White House, President Trump began talking about the curtains and said, quote, I picked those drapes in my first term.

昨天在白宮舉行的授勳儀式上，川普總統開始談論窗簾，他說，引述：「我第一任期就挑了這些窗簾。」

That's like Santa mentioning he always liked Christmas.

這就像聖誕老人說他一直喜歡聖誕節一樣。

You guys will never guess my favorite holiday.

你們絕對猜不到我最喜歡的節日是什麼。

During the same ceremony, President Trump also said that he's tried to get a Medal of Honor for himself, but

在同一個儀式上，川普總統還說，他試圖為自己爭取一枚榮譽勳章，但是

added that he was told it would, quote, be bad protocol.

他補充說，他被告知這樣做，引述：「會是個壞的慣例。」

I just want you to consider how many things he's admitting here.

我只想讓你們想想，他在這裡承認了多少事情。

He's admitting he tried to give himself a Medal of Honor.

他承認他試圖頒給自己一枚榮譽勳章。

he's admitting he had to be told it's a bad look.

他承認有人必須告訴他這看起來不太好。

It's one thing you have a puppy that has to be told not to piss in the house.

就像你有一隻小狗，你必須告訴牠不要在屋裡尿尿。

This is like a 16 year old dog that still has to be told not to piss in the house.

這就像一隻 16 歲的老狗，你還是得告訴牠不要在屋裡尿尿。

The White House released a video on Friday of administration officials sharing their favorite memories with President Trump.

白宮週五發布了一段影片，內容是政府官員分享他們與川普總統最美好的回憶。

And Marco Rubio said that time he got my name right.

馬可盧比歐說，他那天記對了他的名字。

During a visit on Friday to a Texas Whataburger location, President Trump spoke to a crowd of customers and said he hopes they do not drink alcohol.

週五，川普總統在德州一家 Whataburger 分店拜訪顧客時，對人群表示希望他們不要喝酒。

They're dining in at Whataburger on a Friday night.

他們週五晚上在 Whataburger 裡用餐。

The indoor water park chain Great Wolf Lodge this week will offer a limited edition milkshake that blends vanilla ice cream and ranch dressing.

室內水上樂園連鎖店 Great Wolf Lodge 本週將推出一款限量版奶昔，混合了香草冰淇淋和牧場醬。

And after one of those, you become the water slide.

然後，在那之後，你就變成了溜滑梯。

What I like is the tail of that joke felt like you were going down a water slide.

我喜歡的是，那個笑話的結尾聽起來就像你在溜滑梯一樣。

The pizza chain Papa John's has announced that it will close 300 underperforming restaurants.

披薩連鎖店 Papa John's 宣佈將關閉 300 間表現不佳的餐廳。

But how do you tell which ones are underperforming when they're all selling Papa John's.

但當所有餐廳都在賣 Papa John's 時，你怎麼知道哪些是表現不佳的？

Times Square performer the Naked cowboy has reportedly divorced his wife and fellow performer, the naked cowgirl.

時代廣場表演者「裸體牛仔」據報已與他的妻子兼表演者「裸體女牛仔」離婚。

But there's been cracks in the relationship for a while.

但這段關係出現裂痕已經有一段時間了。

真同情那個介紹他們認識的人。

According to a new book, the Conclave that elected Pope Leo last year was interrupted after Vatican security officials detected an active mobile connection and an older cardinal discovered he had a phone in his pocket because you just know that flashlight was on.

根據一本新書，去年選舉教宗利奧的祕密會議，在梵蒂岡安全官員偵測到活躍的手機訊號，以及一位年長樞機發現他口袋裡有手機後被打斷，因為你絕對知道那個手電筒是開著的。

And finally, Disney World's Rock N Roller Coaster starring Aerosmith shut down over the weekend so it can be reopened as the Rock N Roller Coaster starring the Muppets.

另外，迪士尼世界由 Aerosmith 主演的 Rock N Roller Coaster 在週末關閉，以便重新開放為由 Muppets 主演的 Rock N Roller Coaster。

And the good news is they didn't have to change it very much.

When asked during an Oval Office meeting yesterday if he had any top picks to take over the Iranian government, President Trump said, quote, well, most of the people we had in mind are dead.

昨天在橢圓形辦公室會議中被問到是否有屬意的接替伊朗政府人選時，川普總統說，引述，嗯，我們心目中的大多數人都已經過世了。

According to a new report, President Trump exposed a CIA surveillance operation on the late Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei eight months ago in a post on Truth Social.

根據一份新報導，川普總統在八個月前於 Truth Social 上發文，揭露了對已故伊朗最高領袖阿亞圖拉·阿里·哈梅內伊的 CIA 監控行動。

So if you're wondering how Truth Social is doing, it took eight months for someone to notice.

所以如果你想知道 Truth Social 的狀況，花了八個月才有人注意到。

The son of the late Ayatollah Khamenei has reportedly emerged as a frontrunner to replace his father as supreme leader.

據報導，已故阿亞圖拉·哈梅內伊的兒子已成為接替他父親成為最高領袖的熱門人選。

Man, can you imagine going through all of this to get rid of an evil leader and you just end up with his son?

天啊，你能想像經歷這一切來除掉一個邪惡領袖，結果卻換上他的兒子嗎？

President Trump reposted a picture yesterday of himself wearing sunglasses with the caption, quote, I stand with Trump, the most badass president of all time.

川普總統昨天轉發了一張自己戴著太陽眼鏡的照片，並附文說：「我支持川普，史上最屌的總統。」

I don't know, when you're like 30, you look badass in sunglasses.

我不知道，你三十歲的時候，戴太陽眼鏡看起來就很屌。

When you're 79, people just try to help you cross the street.

你七十九歲的時候，大家只會想幫你過馬路。

That's Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth pushed back this week on comparisons of the military operation against Iran to previous US Conflicts in the Middle east and said, quote, this is not Iraq.

國防部長 Pete Hegseth 本週反駁了將對伊朗的軍事行動與先前美國在中東的衝突相提並論的說法，並表示：「這不是伊拉克。」

To put it in Hegseth terms, it's just a bender.

用 Hegseth 的話來說，這只是一場狂歡。

President Trump said in a post this week on Truth Social that the US Has a virtually unlimited munitions stockpile and added wars can be fought forever, or to put it in Hegseth terms, a bender.

川普總統本週在 Truth Social 發文表示，美國擁有幾乎無限的彈藥庫存，並補充說戰爭可以永遠打下去，或者用 Hegseth 的話來說，就是一場狂歡。

A picture has gained attention online this week that shows President Trump with a red rash on his neck.

本週網路上流傳一張照片，顯示川普總統的脖子上出現紅色皮疹。

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川普的伊朗政策泡湯？南達科他州州長被撤換！週末爆笑新聞速報 (Trump’s Lack of Iran Plans, Kristi Noem Gets the Axe: Late Night News of the Week)

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