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  • Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

  • and life you love. And this is Q&A Tuesday and today’s question comes from Miriam,

  • and she writes,

  • Hi Marie. I really appreciate your website. It’s been a great resource for improving

  • myself. As a new business owner, a major thing I struggle with is shyness and speaking in

  • front of groups of people. I’ve realized that this is a huge hinderance and something

  • I need to overcome. Do you have any advice or guidance on how I can improve my speaking

  • skills and overcome shyness? Thank you and have a wonderful week. Miriam.”

  • So, Miriam, let me tell you. You are not alone. Millions of people have this same fear and,

  • I’ve gotta tell you, I have a special treat for you today. I have a special guest who

  • has helped thousands of people overcome this same fear. And I know that’s a big promise,

  • but what youre gonna learn today in this MarieTV episode will change your life. And

  • I’m not just saying that because this guest happens to be my fiance.

  • Josh Pais is an actor who’s been in over 90 movies and TV shows. And he’s also the

  • founder of CommittedImpulse.com, high performance training for actors, artists, and entrepreneurs.

  • Joshie, thank you so much for being here.

  • Thanks for having me, baby.

  • So youre one of the most brilliant people when it comes to this subject and I’ve seen

  • firsthand how youve helped thousands of people overcome this very issue. So what’s

  • the first step in supporting Miriam and everyone else who struggles with shyness or having

  • some type of thing that’s blocking them?

  • So, one thing that I hear in that is that Miriam wants to overcome shyness.

  • Right.

  • And maybe... maybe shyness is awesome and maybe it’s not something to overcome and

  • maybe trying to overcome it could be part of the... why she’s having a struggle with

  • it.

  • Well, I think that’s genius and I know that one of the things that you teach is a completely

  • new way to quote unquote overcome, for lack of a better word, anything that were struggling

  • with.

  • Yeah.

  • So I know, Josh, that you have 3 really simple but really profound steps to dealing with

  • shyness and to be able to really be your best no matter what youre feeling. And step

  • number one for you is youre a vibrator.

  • And that’s profound.

  • That is profound.

  • That’s profound if youre a vibrator.

  • So what does that mean exactly, youre a vibrator?

  • Well, what that... can I tell the story about my daddy?

  • Absolutely.

  • Ok, so my daddy was a theoretical physicist who worked with Einstein for 11 years and

  • I grew up in the... in Manhattan, as you know, and in the summers I would go to Brookhaven

  • National Laboratory and that’s where my dad, he would go off to work and he would

  • do his thing and I would play with kids and ride around on my bike. And sometimes I would

  • ride up to his office and he had a floor to ceiling blackboard. And I would come in and

  • he would be, like, deep in, you know, thought and he was kind of, you know, doing these

  • enormous calculations and some, you know, I knew the alphabet, I knew the numbers, but

  • there were, like, all these other images and symbols...

  • Symbols.

  • ...and things that he was... that he was drawing and I would just be like, “What is he doing?”

  • I just remember thinking, like, all the other kids, you know, in New York, like, their dads

  • were, like, truck drivers or school teachers. It was, like, things that were, you know,

  • comprehendable to a 6 or 7 year old.

  • Right.

  • And so I was like the... “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna grill him. I’m gonna find out

  • what he really is doing.” And so I was like sitting in the living room and he was, like,

  • packing up, you know, his bag and I was like, “Ok. I’m gonna do it.” And I was like,

  • So, what... what do you do? What is your job?” And... and he said, “Well, Joshua...”

  • and he said, “Do you see this table?” I was like, “Youre not telling me what

  • your job is.” And I was like, “Yes.” And he was said, “Do you see your knee?”

  • I was like... and then he said, “The smallest part of this table and the smallest part of

  • your knee, when you break it down to the absolute smallest part, it’s the same thing and it’s

  • atoms.” And he said, “And that’s what I explore.” He said, “I explore, like,

  • the building blocks of the universe.” Yeah, exactly, I was just like...

  • Woah.

  • And then he, like, picked up his bag and walked out the screen door and I was just like, “Woah,

  • dude.” It’s like, “I’m atoms?” And then I was like, “I’m the same as the

  • table.” And so why that story had such an impact on me is later in life when I was starting

  • acting on Broadway and movies and television, there were times when I felt... I would feel

  • so much emotion and sensation and shyness, you know, and I was like... and I didn't know

  • how to deal with it. And I tried to overcome it and then I remembered what my dad said

  • that my body is a mass of atoms and it really... something really shifted for me in that moment

  • and I... instead of looking at these feelings and they really... emotions really are vibrations

  • in different parts of our body.

  • Right.

  • And all of a sudden it was like how could... why should I look at this sensation, and it’s

  • really no more than, like, this, like, inside my chest. Why should I look at that as something

  • bad?

  • Right, like if you felt shyness...

  • Yeah.

  • ...what you associated to be shyness is a certain vibration.

  • Right, I identify it as shyness. But the truth is it’s just atoms that are vibrating. And

  • that gave me a huge amount of freedom because I stopped associating it with something bad,

  • it was just a vibration.

  • Right.

  • And that’s why the first one is youre a vibrator. If we can just recognize that

  • we vibrate and that’s just part of life and it’s not good and it’s not bad.

  • I think, I just wanna put a little pin in that thought, because that’s probably one

  • of the most profound things that youve ever taught me is, you know, recognizing that

  • as a human being and an alive human being, that were constantly vibrating and that

  • weve only learned to label certain emotions and certain sensations as good and bad. And

  • if we actually remove those labels and just really look at the pure sensations were

  • experiencing in our body, the physical sensations...

  • Right.

  • ...the vibrations, so to speak...

  • Right.

  • ...that we have so much more compassion for ourselves and we get out of that realm of

  • good and bad and we can actually just experience what it is were really experiencing without

  • all those labels that put us into a whole mental drama.

  • Yeah.

  • So, I think... I think that’s really, really profound and if people really get that, youre

  • right, there’s a huge sense of freedom in it.

  • Yeah.

  • It’s really, really brilliant.

  • And were always going to vibrate.

  • Right, as long as were alive.

  • Yeah.

  • We might as well appreciate it.

  • Yeah. And when were not alive and were, like, floating around... like, “Remember

  • when I used to feel shy and vibrate?” Well miss all that.

  • Which is so sweet.

  • So we might as well party with it now.

  • Right, right. So... so step number two that you have is nickname your vibes.

  • Yeah.

  • Nickname your vibes.

  • Nickname them.

  • So tell us about nicknaming.

  • So, I mean, a lot of my students, you know, if they feel nervous, they... theyll call

  • it, for example, shushy, you know, or whatever they choose. And, like, shushy, if you go...

  • if youre about to, you know, put yourself out there, go in front of a group of people...

  • Yes.

  • ...or ask for a raise or whatever and you feel this and you go, “I’m... I’m nervous,”

  • like, instant...

  • Or, “I’m shy.”

  • “I’m shy.” It’s like instantly... and that’s bad, we know that’s bad. But

  • if you just go, like, “I’m shushy,” it’s like, “Oh, ok.” Like, “I’m

  • shushy,” and it’s like a little, you know, Jewish leprechaun or something. It’s not...

  • it’s not anything bad.

  • Right.

  • You know, all of a sudden it’s just like, “Yeah, I’m vibrating and I’m gonna go

  • ahead with... with the task at hand.”

  • Right.

  • So maybe Miriam, you know, can come up with, you know, like maybe she can call it shazam.

  • I love shazam. Because imagine if Miriam was, like, stepping on stage and she was about,

  • you know, to go out and speak in front of, like, 100 people...

  • Right.

  • ...and instantly she gave herself a reframe. Like, rather than feeling shy she’s like,

  • Ooh, I feel shazam.”

  • “I’m shazam.”

  • “I’m shazam.”

  • “I’m shazammin’.”

  • Right now.”

  • Yeah, come on.”

  • It would kinda be energizing.

  • Yeah.

  • So I love that and I love the power of... I think reframes are really, really powerful

  • in our lives.

  • Yeah.

  • And I love the fact that we can have fun with this and you can name it anything you want.

  • Yeah.

  • So the third step, and this is, again, this is something really profound and I’ve...

  • I’ve seen your work in action now almost over a decade and it’s... it’s incredible.

  • Step number 3 you have is ride it, don’t hide it.

  • Yeah.

  • Ride it, don’t hide it.

  • Ride it, don’t hide it. And by that I mean if you take this... these vibrations that

  • are happening and you just recognize that it’s creative fuel and that it’s something

  • that’s going to propel you into action.

  • Yes.

  • As opposed to, you know, trying to breathe it away and do all our, you know, techniques

  • to get calm, it’s like just, like, let that... it’s just energy.

  • Yes.

  • And let it just empower you to... to do whatever there... it’s creative fuel.

  • Yes.

  • To...

  • To go out there.

  • To go out there.

  • You know, a few things that youve taught me over the years, you know, when someone

  • tries to hide what theyre feeling, you know, whether it’s nervous or anxiety or

  • anything that theyve labeled as bad...

  • Right.

  • ...whenever you try to suppress or hide it, you actually display that quality even more.

  • Yeah, absolutely, because youre just trying... it’s like, “No, I’m calm.”

  • Yeah. And I’ve seen this in action, again, when someone just rides it, meaning they allow

  • whatever the sensation that is to be there and speak authentically from that place, ironically

  • the person appears very centered.

  • And they are centered.

  • Yes.

  • It’s like the idea that centered is something different than who you are in that moment

  • is... it’s a... centered is like if youre feeling this, like, youre centered. If

  • youre feeling this, youre centered.

  • It’s about telling the truth.

  • Yeah.

  • About...

  • And the interesting thing is that when you speak from whatever is there, people are compelled

  • to listen to you.

  • Yes.

  • But if youre feeling this and youre trying to... youre putting your energy

  • to try to be, like, calm...

  • Yes.

  • ...it’s like people disengage. Like, they can’t listen because theyre getting a

  • mixed signal.

  • Well, there’s a sense of dishonesty, right?

  • Totally.

  • It’s like the person is feeling one thing and pretending or trying to show something

  • else...

  • Yeah.

  • ...which all of us have such acute BS meters... BS meters these days...

  • Totally.

  • ...which you can instantly feel like, “I can’t trust this person somehow.” You

  • know, I think youve made a really good point when once that I heard you talk about

  • where, you know, no one really wants to see... like, who wants to see, really, a calm public

  • speaker?

  • Right.

  • It would be boring.

  • It... totally. Bother to see somebody reveal their soul, reveal their heart...

  • Yes.

  • ...even if there are a little bit uncomfortable. If they just keep going...

  • Yes.

  • ...it’s like you just... youre just, like, you root for them and you wanna hear

  • what they have to say because you know it’s coming from their heart.

  • Yes. And I think, I don’t know if we said this before, but one of the other things that’s

  • been my saving grace that you gave to me was the idea and the concept and, really, the

  • truth that if you allow yourself to feel something fully without resisting it, that it never

  • lasts more than 7 to 12 seconds.

  • Yeah. Yeah if you just feel like if Mariam before she goes out on stage, you know, to

  • speak and she feels this, instead of trying to put it down, like, just fully feel it.

  • It’s like youre on the roller coaster, you know, going up and it’s like you feel

  • it...

  • Yes.

  • ...and then it’s gonna shift and move to something else and to something else. And

  • you just want to let this information be your guide track.

  • Yes. That’s really, really beautiful. Josh, thank you so much for taking time out of your

  • busy schedule.

  • I love you.

  • I love you, too. And I really appreciate you sharing with every... everyone. I know you

  • have so much more to give, but youve been kind enough to put it into little chunks for

  • us to digest and be able to use and that’s beautiful.

  • Thanks.

  • Miriam, that was the A to your Q. I hope you enjoyed it and please use what weve shared

  • and let us know how it goes.

  • Now, Josh and I have a challenge for you. If youve ever struggled with any type of

  • sensation or emotion that’s held you back, we have a challenge for you to take on right

  • here in the comments. Number one, and I’m gonna look at my notes. First, in the comments,

  • tell us the sensation or emotion that you struggle most with that you’d like to quote

  • on quote overcome. Number two, describe that emotion or that sensation in terms of vibrating

  • atoms. So is it like a tightening in your chest? Does it feel like champagne bubbles?

  • Does it feel like a heaviness or an expansion? Really describe it without dramatizing what

  • it means in your mind. We wanna hear just what the atoms do, how exactly do they vibrate.

  • And, number three, we want you to nickname your vibes and commit to riding it and not

  • hiding it. I think this is such a cool challenge. As always, the best action happens after the