Here's the college you're going to.

這是你即將要去的大學

and here are the six monsters you'll have for roommates.

接著這些是，六種你會遇到的怪獸室友

Well not literal monsters but, you'll see.

呃也不是真的怪獸，不過你會懂我意思的

Hey!

嘿！

He's a perfect model of efficiency, helpful, friendly even.

他是做事很有效率的完美模範，熱心助人，還很友善

He doesn't really understand your more human imperfections.

其實他不太了解你身為人類會有的那些小缺陷

His programming is rigid, and well-defined.

他腦中的程式設計嚴謹，而且有良好規範

Violate it at your own risk.

有人違反的話恐怕小命不保

Watch! His head will explode any second now.

看好！他的頭可能隨時都會炸開

What do you want me to do? He eats at (a) dirty plate...

不然我能怎麼辦？他用髒盤子吃東西 ...

So that wasn't his head.

看來要炸開的不會是他的頭

There's no firm evidence this roommate exists.

沒有明確的證據證明這個室友存在

Hello?

哈囉？

Does he spend all his time with his girlfriend?

他是整晚都在陪女友嗎？

At home?

還是在家？

Things move around mysteriously while you're not looking.

你一不注意時，東西就會很詭異地自己移動

Is he dead?

他掛了嗎？

If so, do you get a free pass this semester or something?

如果他真的掛掉了，你可以這學期歐趴之類的嗎？

You'd think he might be trying to communicate with you.

你會猜他是不是想要跟你溝通

But you'll never know for sure.

可是你一直都無法確定

Shit.

該死

Looking like an ad for hair gel doesn't automatically make him a monster.

就算他看起來像個活生生的髮膠廣告也不代表他是個怪物

But you've noticed things.

但你會注意到一些事情

He stays up all night.

他晚上總是不睡覺

can't stand the sunlight

也忍受不了陽光

and brings home a different victim every night.

而且每天晚上都會帶不同的受害者回來

Can you please keep it... HEEEE

可以拜託你們小 ... 嘻嘶嘶嘶

Ahhhhhhh

啊！！！

And you're not saying he sucks their blood for sustenance.

你也不確定他是不是靠吸她們的血為生

Hey.

嘿

Want a grab or not?

想來一點嗎？

Seriously?

你認真的？

But you've never seen him eat anything.

但你從來沒看過他吃任何東西

Weird.

怪人

He must have supernatural powers.

他一定有什麼超能力才對

Otherwise, how the f**ks is he getting laid more than you?

不然為什麼他跟別人上床的次數還比你多？

So you're from...

所以你是從 …

#%^%^@^%

#%^%^@^%

Wherever he's from, he has a poor judge of social norms. Hey!

不管他是哪裡來的，他對於社交規範的觀念差到不行。嘿！

Hey!

嘿！

^%#^@^%!%@

^%#^@^%!%@

strange habits

有著很奇怪的習慣

#&^&*@(^##%

#&^&*@(^##%

and this thing.

還有 … 這東西

If it's a bong, you wanna hide it.

如果這是個菸斗，你會想把它藏起來

If it's a dildo, you don't wanna touch it.

如果這是個情趣玩具，那更別說要碰它了

And if it's neither are you...

那現在要不是你 …

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

啊！！！

Like an ending story about aliens, your friends will never believe you.

就像是個跟外星人相關的故事結局，你朋友永遠都不會相信你的話

Making weird noices "blaaablaaa"

一直發出奇怪的聲音 「巴啦啦啦啦啦」

Where are you going?

欸你們要去哪？

The first thing you notice is the smell.

你最一開始注意到的是某種味道

So, what died in here?

什麼東西死在這啊？

He doesn't seem to notice it.

他好像沒有察覺到這點

Hey, my parents are coming today. And I was kind of hoping we can clean...

嘿，我爸媽今天會過來，所以我想說我們可以打掃 …

He just shambles around, leaving little pieces of himself wherever he goes.

他就這樣晃來晃去，每到一個角落總是留下自己的痕跡

Hey! How was your day?

嗨！你今天還好嗎？

Cool.

好吧！

And not to force the metaphor here,

不是特別硬要用什麼比喻

but he does seem to want your brains.

可是他好像真的想要把你的腦袋挖掉

Jesus!

我的媽呀！

Get your own chem lab, man!

自己去找個化學實驗室啦！

You have to get your own place.

你一定要弄來屬於自己的一間房間

Finally, that holy treasure!

終於，那神聖的寶藏！

A single.

一間單人房！

A bachelor pad

一間單身漢的公寓

made a bachelor kingdom. All to yourself.

造就了一個單身漢的國度。全部只屬於你！

Maybe you'll have a three-way.

也許你會來個 3P

Or a four-way.

4P 也不錯

Or just stay in bed all day eating cake and hot wings.

或是整天待在床上吞蛋糕啃雞翅

What was that?

什麼東西！？

Probably nothing.

應該沒什麼

Just a burglar, demon, Freddy Krueger, Cthulhu...

不過只是個小偷、惡魔、佛萊迪、克蘇魯神怪 …

Shit, shit!

媽的！媽的！

Maybe you'll get the vampire call.

或許是有吸血鬼要來拜訪你了