We got so much to talk about tonight.

我們今晚有很多話要說

Kamala and Trump prepare for tomorrow night's debate.

卡馬拉和特朗普準備明晚的辯論。

We hunt down the person who's sending you all those campaign e-mails.

我們會找到給你發送競選郵件的人。

And Dick Cheney is once again taking shots at his Republican friends.

迪克-切尼再次向他的共和黨朋友們開炮。

So... let's get into our continuing coverage of Indecision 2024.

那麼......讓我們繼續報道《決定 2024》。

-♪♪

-♪♪

So, we at The Daily Show have been on a little bit of a summer break the past couple of weeks.

在過去的幾周裡，我們《每日秀》有點放暑假了。

And when we left off, Vice President Harris was riding a wave of momentum, with a successful convention and surging in the polls.

當我們離開時，哈里斯副總統正乘風破浪，成功召開了大會，民調也一路飆升。

Since then... sure. Sure.

從那時起......當然。當然

I don't know if that's a fair counting, but we'll take it.

我不知道這樣算是否公平，但我們會接受。

Since then, I've been out of the loop, just sitting on a sandy beach, sipping on some Mai Tais, and I can... only assume Kamala remains on a smooth path to victory in November.

從那時起，我就離開了這個圈子，只是坐在沙灘上喝著邁泰酒，我......只能假設卡馬拉在 11 月的勝利之路上依然一帆風順。

So, perhaps I'll take a comically large sip of this drink I brought back from the beach for some reason and... see what I missed.

所以，也許我會喝一大口我從海邊帶回來的飲料，看看我錯過了什麼。

-♪♪♪

-♪♪♪

Former President Donald Trump leads Vice President Kamala Harris by a razor-thin margin, 48% to 47%, among likely voters.

在可能的選民中，前總統唐納德-特朗普以48%對47%的微弱優勢領先副總統卡馬拉-哈里斯。

-♪♪♪

-♪♪♪

That was a good drink.

這酒真好喝

But that poll is not good.

但這項民意調查並不樂觀。

Kamala is down a point? Seriously?

卡馬拉下降了一分？真的嗎？

She's sane, never tried to overthrow the government, not 600 years old with a rap sheet.

她頭腦清醒，從未試圖推翻政府，也不是有前科的 600 歲老人。

I mean, what else does Kamala have to do?

我是說，卡馬拉還能做什麼？

Two interviews? I mean, come on.

兩次採訪？我的意思是，來吧。

Be reasonable, people.

通情達理吧，各位。

But, okay, here we are, less than two months out from the election, and we've basically got a tied race.

但是，好吧，現在距離大選只有不到兩個月的時間了，我們基本上已經打成平手。

The candidates are doing everything they can do to ramp up the excitement.

候選人們正竭盡所能地製造興奮點。

Kamala is speaking to voters in Pennsylvania, in spice stores, Trump is speaking to voters encased in bulletproof glass, and J.D. Vance is trying to counter accusations that he's weird by swimming in the pool with his shirt on.

卡馬拉在賓夕法尼亞州的香料店裡向選民發表演說，特朗普在防彈玻璃中向選民發表演說，J.D. 萬斯則試圖通過穿著襯衫在泳池中游泳來反駁對他怪異的指責。

-♪♪♪

-♪♪♪

I'm starting to feel bad for this guy.

我開始為這傢伙感到難過了。

I mean, this time around, Trump may hang his VP out of mercy.

我的意思是，這一次，特朗普可能會出於憐憫而絞死他的副總統。

Although, if you ask me, this might be the most relatable thing

不過，要我說，這可能是最貼近生活的一件事了

J.D. Vance has ever done.

萬斯（J.D. Vance）的作品。

Don't worry, J.D., I'm with you.

別擔心，J.D.，我支持你。

And so are millions of other men with pepperoni nipples.

數百萬擁有意大利辣香腸乳頭的男人也是如此。

Think about it. I see you. I see you. I see you.

想想吧。我看見你了我看見你了我看見你了

Now, while J.D. Vance appeals to the self-conscious middle schooler vote,

現在，雖然J.D. Vance吸引了自我意識較強的中學生的選票，但他的".....、

Donald Trump has secured the endorsement of RFK Jr., Tulsi Gabbard, and Elon Musk, three people who will help Trump reach voters who are undecided about what shape the Earth is.

唐納德-特朗普獲得了小肯尼迪、圖爾西-加巴德和埃隆-馬斯克的支持，這三個人將幫助特朗普接觸那些對地球是什麼形狀尚無定論的選民。

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris just got an endorsement of her own.

與此同時，卡馬拉-哈里斯（Kamala Harris）剛剛獲得了自己的支持。

Former Republican Vice President Dick Cheney announced that he will not vote for GOP nominee Donald Trump, but instead will back the Democratic candidate

前共和黨副總統迪克-切尼宣佈，他不會投票給共和黨提名人唐納德-特朗普，而是支持民主黨候選人

Kamala Harris.

卡馬拉-哈里斯

Wow.

哇

-♪♪♪♪

-♪♪♪♪

Wow. Wow.

Wow.Wow.

See, Kamala has something for everyone.

瞧，卡馬拉為每個人都準備了禮物。

Whether you're a trans person of color or a white construction worker in the heartland or an unrepentant war criminal who needs the blood of Iraqi children to power the machine that keeps him alive and out of the flames of hell for one more day,

無論你是有色人種的變性人，還是內陸地區的白人建築工人，抑或是需要用伊拉克兒童的鮮血來驅動機器、讓自己多活一天、遠離地獄之火的死不悔改的戰犯、

Kamala is your candidate.

卡馬拉是你們的候選人。

And by the way, apologies to those of you who saw Dick Cheney's name trending on Twitter over the weekend and were like, oh, my God, this is it.

順便說一句，向那些週末在推特上看到迪克-切尼（Dick Cheney）的名字成為熱門話題，並覺得 "天哪，就是他了 "的人道歉。

Yeah.

是啊

But...

但是

sorry.

對不起

All of these endorsements and campaign stops and solo wet T-shirt contests will come to a head tomorrow night when Kamala and Donald face off in a debate that could decide this election.

明晚，卡馬拉和唐納德將在一場辯論中一決雌雄，屆時所有這些背書、競選活動和單人溼T恤比賽都將迎來高潮。

And I don't need to tell you how high the stakes are, because we all remember how the last debate between Trump and Joe Biden went.

不用我多說，大家都知道特朗普和喬-拜登上次辯論的結果。

-♪ ♪ -♪ -$%&%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%

-♪ ♪ -♪ -$%&%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Please keep out of it.

請不要插手。

Stop him now!

快阻止他

Stop now!

馬上停止

Oh, my God!

我的天啊

You know, not as bad as I remembered.

你知道，沒有我記憶中那麼糟糕。

Now, Kamala definitely has an advantage compared to Biden because of the whole not being riddled by age thing, but she's still preparing diligently.

現在，卡馬拉肯定比拜登更有優勢，因為她沒有年齡的困擾，但她仍在兢兢業業地做準備。

Perhaps... too diligently.

也許......太勤奮了。

Sources who are familiar with how Vice President Harris is preparing for the debate tell me she is diligently getting ready for this by going to a hotel in Pittsburgh, spending hours doing mock debates, including with an aide who is dressing like former President Donald Trump.

熟悉哈里斯副總統如何準備辯論的消息人士告訴我，她正在兢兢業業地為這場辯論做準備，她去了匹茲堡的一家酒店，花了幾個小時做模擬辯論，包括和一位打扮得像前總統唐納德-特朗普的助手一起做模擬辯論。

Whoa.

哇哦

I-I'm sorry, you're...

對不起，你...

you're having a guy dress like Donald Trump?

你讓一個人穿得像唐納德-特朗普？

Is that something the campaign thinks she needs to prepare for?

競選團隊認為她需要為此做好準備嗎？

Now, Madam Vice President, he might come out wearing a tie that's slightly longer than usual.

現在，副總統女士，他可能會打一條比平時稍長的領帶出來。

Don't freak out!

別緊張

We trained for this.

我們為此進行了訓練。

Meanwhile, Trump is preparing for the debate a little differently.

與此同時，特朗普為辯論做的準備卻有些不同。

All the reporting indicates that he's taking this easy, he's taking this casually.

所有的報道都表明，他對此事看得很淡，很隨意。

He doesn't have debate prep, so to speak.

可以說，他沒有辯論準備。

He has what they call policy time, just to refresh his memory about what he might say on stage.

他有所謂的 "政策時間"，就是讓他回憶一下在舞臺上可能要說的話。

Oh-ho-ho!

哦嗬嗬

They're giving him policy time.

他們給了他政策時間。

Such an important part of childhood development.

這是童年發展的重要組成部分。

You can do it, Donald, two more minutes of policy time, and then you can watch three Paw Patrols.

你能做到的 唐納德 再給你兩分鐘的政策時間 然後你就能看三場 "爪子巡邏 "了

But, you know what, it's good to know that Trump is getting into the nitty-gritty of policy, because you want a president who's up to speed on the nuances of the issues and isn't just pulling stuff out of his ass.

但是，你知道嗎，知道特朗普正在深入研究政策的細枝末節是件好事，因為你想要的是一個對問題的細微差別瞭如指掌的總統，而不是一個信口開河的總統。

Kamala supports states being able to take minor children and perform sex change operation.

卡馬拉支持各州可以接收未成年兒童並進行變性手術。

Can you imagine you're a parent, and your son leaves the house, and you say,

你能想象你是一個家長，你的兒子離開了家，而你卻說：

Jimmy, I love you so much, go have a good day in school, and your son comes back with a brutal operation?

吉米，我太愛你了，去學校好好學習吧，你的兒子卻帶著殘酷的手術回來了？

Can you... can you even imagine this?

你......你能想象嗎？

Mm... no.

嗯......沒有。

No. No, I can't imagine this, because it's an insane thing you just made up.

不，不，我想象不出來，因為這是你編出來的瘋話。

Do you...

你...

Do you really...

你真的...

Do you really think a kid goes to school one day and comes back with a full sex change operation?

你真的認為一個孩子有一天去了學校，然後帶著一個完整的變性手術回來嗎？

That's ridiculous.

這太荒謬了。

Americans getting free health care? Not happening.

美國人享受免費醫療？不可能

No. Look.

不，你看

No.

不

Donald, Donald, Donald, do you think this is even remotely a possibility?

唐納德，唐納德，唐納德，你覺得這有可能嗎？

Apart from everything else.

除了其他一切。

One time in middle school, I told the nurse

中學時，有一次我對護士說

I had a stomach ache, and she put a Band-Aid on my stomach.

我肚子疼，她給我肚子上貼了Ok繃。

I have a hard time believing they're doing full-scale operations.

我很難相信他們在進行全面行動。

Well, you know... you know what?

嗯，你知道......你知道嗎？

Everybody's thinking a lot about school safety, and it's refreshing to see a politician take a step beyond thoughts and prayers and actually do something to protect our children from the biggest threat they face at school.

每個人都在思考學校安全問題，看到一位政治家在思考和祈禱之外邁出了一步，並實際採取行動保護我們的孩子免受他們在學校面臨的最大威脅，這讓人耳目一新。

Mass sex changes, apparently.

顯然是大規模變性。

But some people would say that Donald Trump's biggest challenge at the debate tomorrow is that he can't open his mouth without rambling incoherently.

但有人會說，唐納德-特朗普在明天的辯論中面臨的最大挑戰是，他一張嘴就會語無倫次。

But if you ask Trump about this, he says, no, no, I ramble very coherently.

但如果你問特朗普這個問題，他會說：不，不，我說得很連貫。

And I look forward to the debate with her.

我期待著與她的辯論。

You know, I do the weave.

你知道，我做編織。

You know what the weave is?

你知道編織是什麼嗎？

I'll talk about, like, nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together.

我大概會說九種不同的東西，而它們又都能完美地結合在一起。

And it's like... and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, it's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.

這就像......我的朋友是英語教授，他們說，這是我見過的最棒的東西。

Oh!

哦！

Yes. The weave.

是的，編織

I thought your brain was broken, but now that you did those hand motion things,

我還以為你腦子壞掉了，但現在你做了那些手部動作、

I see it's a tactic.

我看這是一種策略。

I mean, all your English professor friends are impressed?

我是說，你所有的英語教授朋友都對你印象深刻？

Which professor is that?

是哪位教授？

Is that Professor Hogan or Dr. Rock?

那是霍根教授還是洛克博士？

I mean, forget English professors.

我是說，別提英語教授了。

Trump's friends are barely English speakers.

特朗普的朋友們幾乎都不會說英語。

For more on the candidates' debate preparation, let's go live to Philadelphia with Grace Kulinshpit.

關於候選人準備辯論的更多情況，讓我們與格蕾絲-庫林什皮特（Grace Kulinshpit）一起去費城現場報道。

Grace.

格蕾絲

Grace.

格蕾絲

I'm curious, Grace, is-is Kamala Harris prepared to handle Donald Trump at tomorrow's debate?

我很好奇，格蕾絲，卡馬拉-哈里斯是否準備好在明天的辯論中應對唐納德-特朗普？

It's gonna be tough.

會很艱難

Remember, Donald Trump grew up in Queens, so he's a street fighter.

記住，唐納德-特朗普是在皇后區長大的，所以他是個街頭鬥士。

Like... like Ken and Ryu.

比如......比如 Ken 和 Ryu。

Remember that? The fireball.

還記得嗎？那個火球

Hadouken!

Hadouken！

That reminds me, my first sex dream was about Blanca from Street Fighter II.

這倒提醒了我，我的第一個性夢是關於《街頭霸王 II》中的布蘭卡。

We were on a Disney cruise ship for some reason.

不知道為什麼，我們乘坐的是迪斯尼遊輪。

One thing people don't know is they have jails on cruise ships because if you rob someone, they have to put you somewhere.

人們不知道的是，遊輪上也有監獄，因為如果你搶劫了別人，他們就得把你關起來。

But the jails are too small to hold more than two people at a time, so you just have criminals roaming the halls of our cruise ships, just like our Democrat cities under Nancy Pelosi.

但由於監獄太小，無法同時容納兩個以上的人，所以只能讓罪犯在遊輪的大廳裡遊蕩，就像南希-佩洛西上司下的民主黨城市一樣。

Back to you, Jordan.

回到你身邊 喬丹

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

哇，哇，哇，哇，哇，哇。

Grace, Grace, what-what...

格蕾絲，格蕾絲，什麼......

what the hell are you even talking about?

你到底在說什麼？

Oh, my God, Jordan, I'm doing the weave.

天啊 喬丹 我在編織呢

See?

看到了嗎？

It's a master-level talking mechanism, and it's why you just lost this debate.

這是一個大師級別的談話機制，也是你剛剛輸掉這場辯論的原因。

No, this... this is... this is not a debate.

不，這......這......這不是辯論。

I asked you for information, and you responded with incoherent rambling.

我向你詢問資訊，你卻語無倫次地胡言亂語。

Oh, boy.

哦，天哪

You sound just like my high school teachers.

你的口氣就像我的高中老師。

But thanks to Donald Trump, we now know that we can rebrand our character flaws into something more flattering.

但是，多虧了唐納德-特朗普，我們現在知道，我們可以把自己的性格缺陷重新塑造成更討人喜歡的東西。

Like, I'm not bad with money.

比如，我不差錢。

I'm fiscally promiscuous.

我在財政上很濫交。

Sexy, right?

性感吧？

I didn't wet the bed.

我沒有尿床。

I'm a sheet durability analyst.

我是床單耐久性分析師。

Sexy, right?

性感吧？

And I definitely did not fall into a pothole this morning because I was watching TikToks about Japanese toilets.

今天早上，我絕對不是因為看了關於日本廁所的 TikToks 而掉進坑裡的。

I'm the key plaintiff in a class-action lawsuit.

我是一起集體訴訟案的主要原告。

Cha-ching!

恰恰

Okay, look, look, I get that rebranding your flaws makes them sound fancier, but everyone still knows you're a fiscally irresponsible bedwetter.

好吧，聽著，聽著，我知道重塑你的缺點會讓它們聽起來更漂亮，但大家還是知道你是個對財政不負責任的賴床者。

But America has been rebranding since the beginning.

但美國從一開始就在重塑品牌。

Christopher Columbus thought he landed in India, but when he found out he wasn't, he rebranded it to America.

克里斯托弗-哥倫布（Christopher Columbus）原以為他登陸的是印度，但當他發現並非如此時，就把它改名為美洲。

And tomorrow, Kamala Harris will need to rebrand the Biden administration.

明天，卡馬拉-哈里斯將需要重塑拜登政府的形象。

She'll need to convince us Democrats that we won't wet the bed anymore, but we'll fill the potholes of America.

她需要讓我們民主黨人相信，我們不會再尿床，但我們會填平美國的坑窪。

The America we dream about while we're having sex with Blanca on that cruise ship.

當我們在遊輪上與布蘭卡做愛時，我們夢見的美國。

And that's how she'll win the debate.

這樣她才能贏得辯論。

Wait, wait, Grace, did-did you just weave everything back into the topic?

等等，格蕾絲，你是不是又把話題扯回來了？

Sexy, right?

性感吧？

Grace Gulichman, everyone.

格蕾絲-古利奇曼，各位