Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran.

永遠不要和越戰老兵一起玩彩彈射擊。

Because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect, your romantic options do not expand.

因為當你是一個有錢、有權、受人尊敬的女人時，你的戀愛選擇並不會擴大。

They decline!

他們拒絕了！

Now, I am told it's because men are threatened by women with money, power, and respect.

現在，有人告訴我，這是因為男人受到了擁有金錢、權力和尊重的女人的威脅。

What you think is gonna happen to you, huh?

你覺得你會怎麼樣？

You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?

你覺得你的老二會被惡意收購嗎？

I bet most men in this theater have never, ever had your dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

我敢打賭，這個劇院裡的大多數男人都沒有被一個比你掙得多的女人舔過老二。

And let me tell you something, it is spectacular, okay?

讓我告訴你，它非常壯觀，好嗎？

It is. It is.

就是這樣。就是這樣

Why wouldn't it be?

為什麼不呢？

If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect, you don't think she got good pattern recognition?

如果她掌握了賺取金錢、權力和尊重的技能，你不認為她有很好的模式識別能力嗎？

Those skills transfer.

這些技能可以轉移。

You should feel so lucky, so flattered, so blessed, and highly favored if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

如果你有機會讓一個比你掙得多的女人給你口交，你應該感到非常幸運、非常受寵若驚、非常幸福、非常受寵。

Because out of all the things this important woman could be doing with her valuable time...

因為在這位重要的女士可以利用她寶貴的時間做的所有事情中......

A lot of people like to ask me,

很多人喜歡問我

A lot of people like to ask me,

很多人喜歡問我

Allie, how on earth do you balance family and career?

艾莉，你究竟是如何平衡家庭和事業的？

Men never get asked that question.

男人從來不會被問到這個問題。

Because they don't.

因為他們沒有。

I have a hoarding problem, which I'm hoping is the center of all of my other problems.

我有囤積物品的問題，我希望這是我所有其他問題的癥結所在。

I'm hoping if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.

我希望如果囤積症消失了，人乳頭瘤病毒也會消失。

I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third-world country.

我有囤積癖，因為我媽媽來自第三世界國家。

And she taught me that you can never throw away anything because you never know when a dictator's gonna overtake the country and snatch all of your wealth.

她還教導我，你永遠不能丟棄任何東西，因為你永遠不知道獨裁者什麼時候會佔領這個國家，奪走你所有的財富。

So you better hold on to that retainer from the third grade because it might come in handy as a shovel when you're busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the communists.

所以，你最好保管好三年級時的那張聘書，因為當你忙著往屁股裡塞金子、躲避共產主義者時，它可能會像一把鐵鍬一樣派上用場。

The last time I was at home in San Francisco,

上次我是在舊金山的家裡、

I was trying to help her get rid of shit.

我只是想幫她擺脫困境。

Don't ever do that with your mom.

千萬別對你媽媽這麼做

It was, like, the worst experience of my life.

這是我一生中最糟糕的經歷。

It was so emotional.

太激動了

We were screaming and fighting and yelling, and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82 manual.

我們又叫又打又罵，當她拒絕放手德州儀器公司的 TI-82 手冊時，一切都達到了高潮。

The Manuel.

曼努埃爾

She don't even know where the calculator is.

她甚至不知道計算器在哪裡。

Those of you under 25 probably don't know what that calculator is.

25 歲以下的人可能不知道計算器是什麼。

It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation.

正是這個計算器迷惑了我們這一代人。

We were all required to buy it when we were in eighth grade.

我們在八年級時都必須買這本書。

It cost, like, $200.

大概花了 200 美元。

And everybody thought it was, like, this Judy Jetson's laptop from the future, all because, what?

大家都以為那是未來朱迪-杰特森的筆記本電腦 因為什麼？

It could grasp.

它可以抓住。

It was like the Tesla of my time.

它就像我那個時代的特斯拉。

House Hunters is a show on HGTV where a couple pretends that there's a decision to be made together.

房屋獵人》是 HGTV 的一檔節目，在節目中，一對情侶假裝要共同做出一個決定。

And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses, and the audience is meant to be left in suspense.

他們踏上了這趟虛假的旅程，看了三棟不同的房子，而觀眾的目的就是要留下懸念。

Which house are they gonna choose?

他們會選哪個房子？

It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?

芭芭拉想要哪個就給哪個，好嗎？

And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed where houses cost $5,000 a acre...

還有芭芭拉，她住在愛達荷州的博伊西，或者其他什麼HGTV節目拍攝的地方，那裡的房子每英畝5000美元......

Barbara, she don't got money, power, or respect, but Barbara is a woman, and all women are very good at being extremely unpleasant.

芭芭拉，她沒有錢，沒有權，也不受人尊重，但芭芭拉是個女人，而所有女人都擅長讓人極度不愉快。

A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth.

很多年輕女性對分娩感到焦慮。

Well, let me tell you something.

讓我告訴你吧

Giving birth ain't nothing compared to breastfeeding.

與母乳餵養相比，分娩不算什麼。

Breastfeeding is brutal.

母乳餵養是殘酷的。

It is chronic physical torture.

這是一種長期的身體折磨。

I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow would play...

我以為這應該是一個美麗的結合儀式，我會覺得自己坐在草地上的百合花墊上，小兔子們會聚集在我腳邊，夏威夷胖子版的《彩虹之上》會在我耳邊響起......

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦，哦！

No!

不

It's not like that at all.

完全不是那麼回事。

Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.

母乳餵養是一種野蠻的儀式，它只是提醒你，你的身體現在是一個自助餐廳。

It don't belong to you no more!

它不再屬於你了！

When my baby girl would get hungry, she'd yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.

當我的寶貝女兒餓了，她就會來回拽我的乳頭，就像《亡命天涯》裡那隻熊操萊昂納多-迪卡普里奧一樣。

It's frightening.

太可怕了

I saw that movie, and my nipples were like,

我看了那部電影，我的乳頭就像、

I feel you, Leo.

我理解你，里奧。

I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC.

我確實為美國廣播公司的《新鮮出爐》寫過稿。

Yeah, which is, it's a great show.

是啊，這是個很棒的節目。

I love it a lot. I love my co-workers.

我非常喜歡這裡。我愛我的同事們。

It's a great writing staff, and in terms of day jobs, it's probably one of the best you could ask for.

這是一個很棒的寫作團隊，就日常工作而言，這可能是你能找到的最好的工作之一。

But I still gotta work at a office every day, which means I gotta shit in a office every day.

但我每天還是得在辦公室工作，這意味著我每天都得在辦公室拉屎。

Housewives, they don't gotta shit in a office.

家庭主婦，她們不需要在辦公室裡拉屎。

Housewives get to shit in their house.

家庭主婦可以在家裡拉屎。

Skin to sea.

從皮膚到海洋

They don't gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover.

他們不需要用那個可怕的廁紙套。

They don't gotta...

他們不必...

10 times a day, every day.

每天 10 次，天天如此。

Like you're about to eat a sad-ass meal.

就像你即將吃上一頓可悲的大餐。

They don't gotta do that.

他們沒必要這麼做

They don't gotta use that one-ply toilet paper, that office toilet paper that they purposely make difficult to pull out.

他們不用那種單層的衛生紙，也不用那種故意弄得很難拉出的辦公室衛生紙。

It's like they're trying to ration me with their communist toilet paper that's not even effective.

這就像他們試圖用他們的共產主義廁紙來給我配給一樣，根本不起作用。

It basically just dehydrates your butthole.

它基本上只會讓你的屁眼脫水。

It's basically like wiping your butt with a desert.

這基本上就像用沙漠擦屁股一樣。

I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe to moisten it, and then it backfired cos my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo-doo to come out, and then I had to start all over again.

兩天前，我真的吐了一口口水在衛生紙上，試圖用 MacGyver 嬰兒溼巾來溼潤衛生紙，結果適得其反，因為我的手指突破了衛生紙，用數字刺激了更多的 "便便 "流出，然後我又不得不從頭開始。

And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed cos you're paranoid that your co-worker's gonna recognise your shoes underneath the stall, and you're like, oh, no, Courtney's listening, she's waiting, she's timing me, and then you hurry, hurry, hurry, and then you never finish wiping cos your butthole feels caked in doo-doo all day long, and then if you dare scratch yourself, your underwear at the end of the day looks like it's been run over by the goonies.

你上班時總是擦不完，因為你總是覺得很匆忙，因為你擔心同事會認出你的鞋子，你會想，哦，不，考特尼在聽，她在等，她在給我計時、然後你就匆匆忙忙，匆匆忙忙，匆匆忙忙，然後你就永遠擦不完了，因為你的屁眼整天都像被屎糊住了一樣，然後如果你敢撓癢癢的話，一天結束時你的內褲就像被浣熊碾過一樣。

Housewives, they don't gotta muffle their shit, too.

家庭主婦們也不用悶聲拉屎吧？

They don't gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo-doo comes out.

他們不必擔心自己的 "便便 "會以多快的速度流出。

They don't gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo-doo comes out at a slow and steady pace so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame.

他們不用努力，你知道，把屁股兩頰擠在一起，以確保 "便便 "以緩慢而穩定的速度流出，這樣就不會突然發出難以預料的聲音，給你帶來深深的羞恥感。

Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want.

家庭主婦們可以自由地把屁股對著馬桶吹氣，讓它迴盪在走廊的盡頭，同時盡情地用 iPad 看 Netflix。

They don't gotta take these boring, repressed shits.

他們不必接受這些無聊、壓抑的東西。

They can listen to podcasts.

他們可以收聽播客。

Plan and money, they can do whatever they want.

計劃和金錢，他們可以為所欲為。

So then a GI specialist was called in, and I saw her look at the results, and she went like this.

於是，我們請來了一位消化道專家，我看到她看了檢查結果後是這樣說的。

And then she turns to me and says,

然後她轉身對我說

Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face.

黃小姐，對不起，我在你面前喘氣了。

That was so unprofessional of me.

我真是太不專業了。

I know exactly who you are.

我知道你是誰

Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage.

請不要談論我剛才在舞臺上的表現。

But, you know, I have to admit that I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here.

但是，你知道，我不得不承認，我在這裡看到的一切顯然讓我感到震驚。

You are backed up well into your small intestine, and I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass and most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage.

我幾乎可以肯定，你的小腸裡有某種腫塊，很可能是腫瘤造成的堵塞。

So we're gonna have to perform a colonoscopy to see what's going on in there.

所以我們得做個結腸鏡檢查 看看裡面到底是什麼情況

I was like, why? You guys just did a CT scan.

我當時想，為什麼？你們剛做了CT掃描

And she was like, yes, it is true that the whole point of a CT scan is to see inside of your body, but the lasers couldn't penetrate the great wall of shit that's inside of you.

她就說，是的，CT掃描的目的確實是為了看到你的身體內部，但脈衝光無法穿透你體內的那堵大便牆。

And they just ricocheted, bounced back into the machine, and now the machine is shook, so...

它們彈了回來，彈回了機器，現在機器被震壞了，所以...

We're gonna have to stick a camera up your ass.

我們得把攝影機塞進你的屁股裡

And I was so nervous, but what I didn't know was that right before the procedure, they give you propofol, and I have to say that as a working mother of two...

我很緊張，但我不知道的是，就在手術前，他們會給你注射異丙酚，我不得不說，作為一個有兩個孩子的職業母親...

getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour...

在藥物的作用下小睡一個小時...

was well worth having a news crew up my butt.

我覺得有一個新聞團隊在我屁股後面搔首弄姿也是值得的。

When my baby girl was first born,

我的寶貝女兒剛出生時

I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her.

我會每天與她進行肌膚接觸，增進感情。

She shit on my chest.

她在我胸口拉屎

She shit on my chest.

她在我胸口拉屎

Where's my confetti at?

我的彩紙呢？

I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back.

我和上一個男朋友分手，就是因為他拒絕把它放在後面。

I was like, uh, you're an idiot, dude.

我當時想，呃，你是個白痴，老兄。

Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist and posted tiny Asian female seeking anal, the Internet would crash?

你知道嗎，如果我在 Craigslist 上發佈尋找肛交對象的亞洲小個子女性，互聯網就會崩潰。

A lot of people also often ask me,

很多人也經常問我、

Allie, what on earth do your parents think about your stand-up comedy?

艾莉，你父母對你的單口喜劇究竟怎麼看？

Now, that's a very racially charged question, right?

現在，這是一個非常具有種族色彩的問題，對嗎？

Like, what they're really asking is, what do your oppressive Asian parents who beat you with the SAT book until your fingers bled from playing the cello think about your butthole-licking jokes?

比如，他們真正想問的是，你那壓迫你的亞裔父母拿著 SAT 考試的書打你，直到你拉大提琴的手指流血為止，他們對你舔屁眼的笑話怎麼看？

My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother's property.

我的姐姐是個失業的女同性戀，住在我母親的房子裡。

So I can do whatever I want.

所以我想做什麼就做什麼。

Yeah. Whatever I want.

是啊我想要什麼都行

I could take a shit on this stage right now, and my mom would be like, you bring so much honor to our family.

我現在可以在這個舞臺上拉屎，我媽媽會說，你給我們家帶來了這麼多榮譽。

I am so proud of you, my golden child.

我為你感到驕傲，我的金子般的孩子。

And then a lot of people also seem to wonder,

然後，很多人似乎也想知道、

Allie, now that you have a daughter, are you going to tone it down?

艾莉，現在你有女兒了，你會放輕鬆點嗎？

Here's the thing.

事情是這樣的

Just because you became a parent doesn't mean you grew up.

為人父母並不意味著你長大了。

Yeah.

是啊

Bro-y dudes become bro-y dads.

兄弟帥哥變成了兄弟老爸。

I'm the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom.

我還是當媽媽之前的那個廢物。

Now just with more responsibility, and I'm barely rising to the occasion.

現在只是責任更重了，我也只能勉強應付。