Good, great, great.

很好，很好，很好。

I'm also doing great.

我也很好。

I just got out of a relationship.

我剛結束一段感情。

So, yeah, I know, it's been great.

所以，是的，我知道，這很棒。

I've had a lot of really supportive friends, you know?

我有很多非常支持我的朋友，你知道嗎？

I've had a lot of really supportive guy friends.

我有很多非常支持我的男性朋友。

Just a bunch of guys that I was like, I didn't even know were friends like that, you know?

我喜歡這群人，我甚至都不知道我們是這樣的朋友，你知道嗎？

They do get mad though.

不過他們也會生氣。

One of them was like, "It feels like you're friend zoning me. I was so nice to you, I took you to the airport."

其中一個人說：「感覺你只把我當朋友。我對你那麼好，還送你去機場。」

I was like, "My mom takes me to the airport all the time. And I never fuck her."

我當時想：「我媽媽也經常帶我去機場。我從沒上過她。」

She's never like, "You're mom-zoning me."

她從來不會說：「你只把我當媽媽。」

What the fuck?

搞什麼鬼？

Dating's gonna be really hard for me because I am banned from dating sites.

約會對我來說真的很難，因為我被禁止進入約會網站。

I'm banned from Bumble and Tinder.

我被 Bumble 和 Tinder 封殺了。

And I'll tell you what happened.

我來告訴你發生了什麼。

I'll tell you.

我告訴你。

I was drunk one night and I was on Bumble and Tinder.

有天晚上我喝醉了，上了 Bumble 和 Tinder。

And for my bio, I wrote, "I'm gonna find your family and I'm gonna kill them."

至於我的自介，我是這樣寫的：「我要找到你的家人，然後殺了他們。」

And guys still responded.

男生們還是回復了。

They'd be like, "What are you up to tonight?"

他們會問：「你今晚有什麼打算？」

I was like, "I don't know, where does your family live?"

我說：「我不知道，你家人住在哪裡？」

That's when I was like, men are way too horny, okay?

那時候我就想，男人太好色了，對嗎？

They're way too horny.

他們太飢渴了。

Like, I think men are willing to say and do anything when they're horny, you know?

我覺得男人在飢渴的時候什麼話都敢說，什麼事都敢做，你知道嗎？

Yeah, like I think the biggest feminist I've ever met is just a horny guy at a bar at 2 a.m.

是啊，就像我覺得我見過的最偉大的女權主義者就是一個凌晨兩點在酒吧裡飢渴的傢伙。

They're willing to give up their right to vote to go home with you.

他們願意放棄投票權，和你一起回家。

And some of them do.

有些人確實是這樣做的。

They're in jail.

他們在監獄裡了。

No, I've been horny too. I've been watching porn and so have you.

不，我也很飢渴。我也會看色情片，你也一樣。

It's not just me racking up 70 million views per video, okay?

不只是我一個人的影片瀏覽量高達 7000 萬，好嗎？

I think it's hard to watch porn as a woman, right?

我覺得作為一個女人，看色情片很難，對吧？

Because porn's very unrealistic, you know?

因為色情片很不現實，你知道嗎？

Like, I was watching this porn the other day that said, "Fucking The Babysitter While My Wife Is in The Shower."

比如，前幾天我在看一部黃片，上面寫著「趁我老婆洗澡的時候和保姆上床」。

I was like, why is the babysitter here if both parents are home?

我就想，如果父母都在家，為什麼保姆會在這裡？

And who's watching this baby?

誰在照看這個孩子？

No, I'm doing fine.

不，我很好。

I'm dating women now.

我現在在和女人約會。

It's been scary.

太可怕了。

Women are scary.

女人很可怕。

Because I think the scariest thing a man can do to you on a first date is he will, you know, like follow you home and kill you.

因為我覺得男人在第一次約會時能對你做的最可怕的事就是，你知道，他會跟蹤你回家，然後殺了你。

Guys are so goofy like that.

男人就是這麼傻。

They're so silly.

他們太傻了。

But a woman on a first date will just out of nowhere be like, "So, what's your relationship with your parents like?"

但第一次約會的女人會突然問：「你和父母的關係如何？」

And I'm like, "I think you should kill me."

我說：「你應該殺了我。」

This is fucking awful.

這太他媽糟糕了。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I'm doing fine.

我很好。

I'm doing fine.

我很好。

I'm in therapy.

我在接受心理治療。

Anyone in therapy?

有人在接受心理治療嗎？

It's been great.

非常棒。

Going to therapy is great.

接受治療是件好事。

I am Asian and my parents ask me why I go to therapy.

我是亞洲人，我的父母問我為什麼要去接受治療。

And I was like, "Oh, do you remember when I was a kid? And you guys raised me."

我當時想：「哦，你還記得我小時候嗎？是你們養育了我。」

That's it.

就是這樣。

You were there.

你也在場。

I mean, not emotionally.

我是說，不是情感上的。

But you were around.

但你就在附近。

No, my parents are great.

不，我父母很好。

I hang out with my dad a lot.

我經常和爸爸一起出去。

Not because we're close.

不是因為我們關係好，

We just have a mutual friend in common, my mom.

我們只是有一個共同的朋友，那就是我媽媽。

So we hang.

所以我們會出門。

My dad's great.

我爸爸很棒。

He always talks to me like we're two strangers who met at a party and there's a lull in the conversation.

他總是跟我說話，就像我們是在派對上認識的兩個陌生人，話不投機半句多。

He's always like, "So, how old are you?"

他總是問：「你多大了？」

I'm like, "Don't worry about it. It's my birthday party, but."

我說：「別擔心。這是我的生日派對，但是...」

No, my parents are great.

不，我父母很好。

They do treat all my childhood trauma like the North Korean government treats their problems.

他們確實像朝鮮政府對待他們的問題那樣對待我童年的創傷。

They're always like, "You're not sad. It's just Western propaganda."

他們總是說：「你並不悲傷。這只是西方的宣傳。」

I'm like, "Great, we figured it out."

我想：「太好了，我們想通了。」

It's great.

太棒了。、

I don't know.

我不知道。

I've been talking about my breakup in therapy.

我一直在心理治療中談論我的分手。

Breakups are sad, right?

分手是件悲傷的事，對嗎？

Like, have you guys ever been on the train and you're like, I think I'm gonna cry on this subway right now, you know?

你們坐過火車，然後心想我現在要在地鐵上哭了嗎？

And then like the guy sitting in front of you is like, "Oh yeah, that's what I get off on."

然後坐在你前面的人就會說：「喔，好讚，這就是我的樂趣所在。」

And you're like, everything reminds me of him.

然後你就會想，一切都讓我想起他。

I was on the train the other day and I was listening to this Etta James song and there's a line in the song where she goes, "Something deep in my soul said, cry girl."

前幾天，我在火車上聽埃塔-詹姆斯的歌，歌中有一句是這樣唱的：「在我的靈魂深處，有一種東西在說，哭泣的女孩。」

And I was like, oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry.

我當時想，天哪，我想我要哭了。

But it's really hard to listen to blues and cry about a guy who's in a pickleball league.

但聽著藍調，為一個參加皮球聯賽的人哭泣，真的很難。

Those songs are written about men who work in mines, okay?

那些歌寫的都是在礦井工作的男人，好嗎？

Not some guy who still takes gummy vitamins.

而不是某個還在吃維他命軟糖的人。

I'm not gonna cry about a guy who can't swallow a pill, okay?

我不會為一個吞不下藥片的人哭泣，好嗎？

I'm doing better now.

我現在好多了。

I hooked up with a really hot guy recently.

我最近勾搭上了一個非常性感的男人。

Yeah, I know, it was great.

是啊，我知道，這很棒。

He's the kind of hot where he dates models, you know?

他是那種會和模特約會的帥哥，你知道嗎？

And then after we hooked up, he goes, "I just wanna be careful how we go about this because you're not like the other women I date. You're like a real person."

然後在我們勾搭上之後，他就說：「我只是想謹慎行事，因為你和我約會的其他女人不一樣，你就像一個真實的人。」

Yeah.

是啊

It's like men don't know where to end a sentence.

男人們好像不知道該在哪裡結束一句話。

Every guy I've dated will be like, "You're the most beautiful woman in the world, to me."

每個和我約會過的男人都會說：「你是世界上最美的女人，對我來說。」

It's like, who cares about your opinion, dude?

誰在乎你的意見，老兄？

I did like that line because it's such a fuck boy line, right?

我確實喜歡這句臺詞，因為它很像渣男會說的，對吧？

Like, you're so real, I'm just not ready for something real is fuck boy 101.

「你太真實了，我還沒準備好接受真實的東西」這就是渣男會說的。

Because every fuck boy acts like they're really deep and vulnerable, but some sort of gypsy curse has made them have meaningless sex for the rest of their lives.

因為每個 渣男都表現得很深沉、很脆弱，但某種吉普賽詛咒卻讓他們的餘生都在毫無意義的性愛中度過。

They all act like when they were 11, a big Scottish man with a beard came up to them and was like, "You're a fuck boy, Harry."

他們都表現得好像自己 11 歲時，一個留著大鬍子的蘇格蘭大個子走過來對他們說：「你是個渣男，哈利。」

Now they have no choice, you know?

現在他們別無選擇，你知道嗎？

I moved to New York recently.

我最近搬到了紐約。

I've been here for a year.

我在這裡已經一年了。

New York's great.

紐約很棒。

I moved from Texas.

我是從德州搬來的。

New York's very different.

紐約則截然不同。

Yeah, it's very different.

是的，這很不一樣。

I think it's very progressive, you know?

我認為這是非常進步的，你知道嗎？

I think maybe things are getting a bit too progressive.

我想，事情可能變得有點過於前衛了。

Clap if you think things are getting too progressive.

如果你認為事情變得過於前衛，請鼓掌。

Usually white guys are like, "I'm gonna clap on the train later."

通常白人會說：「我一會兒要在火車上鼓掌。」

But not you, man.

但你不是，兄弟。

Front row.

前排。

No, I agree with you.

不，我同意你的觀點。

I'm also a racist or whatever.

我也是個種族主義者或其他什麼的。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I do think things are getting too progressive.

我確實覺得事情變得太進步了。

I got in trouble the other day for using the word homeless.

前幾天，我因為用了「無家可歸」這個詞而惹上了麻煩。

This guy was like, "You can't say that. You have to say people without housing."

這傢伙說：「你不能這麼說，你得說是沒有住房的人。」

And I was like, "Dude, I don't think their problem is marketing. It's not like I called him a house retard."

我當時想：「兄弟，我認為他們的問題不在於行銷。我又沒說他是智障。」

Got away with it in Williamsburg, baby.

在威廉斯堡就能逃脫，寶貝。

All right.

好的。

No, I love homeless people.

不，我喜歡無家可歸的人。

I love homeless people.

我喜歡無家可歸的人。

I think homeless people can get away with things that a guy with a mortgage could never fucking pull off.

我認為無家可歸的人可以逍遙法外，而有房貸的人卻他媽的永遠做不到。

Like as I said, this bar one time, I had a cigarette and I have a lighter and this homeless guy came up to me and he said, "A pretty girl never has to light her own cigarette."

就像我說的，我咬一次去一間酒吧，我抽著煙，拿著打火機，一個流浪漢走過來對我說：「漂亮女孩從來不用自己點菸。」

And he lit my cigarette and he lit my friend's cigarette and he didn't light my other friend's cigarette and just left.

他點了我的煙，又點了我朋友的煙，卻沒點我另一個朋友的煙，然後就走了。

It was incredible.

真是不可思議。

It was so good.

太棒了ㄡ

She quit smoking.

她戒菸了。

It's amazing.

太神奇了。

I do like smoking cigarettes and people who don't smoke, don't get it.

我確實喜歡抽菸，但不抽菸的人就不明白了。

Like my friends who don't smoke are always like, "Is it worth it?"

就像我那些不抽菸的朋友，他們總是說：「這值得嗎？」

"Is smoking worth it?"

「吸菸值得嗎？」

Let me tell you how worth it smoking is.

讓我告訴你吸菸有多值得。

Some women smoke when they're pregnant.

有些婦女在懷孕時吸菸。

That's how worth it smoking is.

這就是吸菸的價值所在。

I smoked when I was pregnant, everything turned out fine.

我懷孕時抽過煙，結果一切正常。

I got an abortion.

我墮胎了。

And sometimes people get mad when I tell that joke and I just let them know that it was a gay baby.

有時我講這個笑話時，人們會很生氣，我就告訴他們那是個同志寶寶。

I used to tell that joke in Texas and people would get mad and I'd be like, "Dude, the baby was on my property so I shot him."

我以前在德州講過這個笑話，人們會很生氣，我就會說：「老兄，那孩子在我的地盤上，所以我開槍打死了他。」

All right, thank you guys so much.

好的，非常感謝你們。

I'm Casey.

我叫凱西。