Name: 喜劇演員告訴你如果中國真的攻打台灣？ (AUSTRALIA GETS THESE JOKES | Andrew Schulz)
Uploaded: 2024-02-26T21:01:30.000Z
Duration: 6 min 15 s

to 不定詞

If China invades Taiwan, it's Australia and the US, that got to defend Taiwan.

如果中國入侵台灣，澳洲和美國就必須保衛台灣。

Now, here's the thing and we haven't had this discussion.

問題來了，我們還沒有討論過這個問題。

We need to talk to y'all about this a little bit.

But let's just be honest right now, how confident are we that we're gonna be able to know who's who, right?

讓我們現在坦白地說，我們有多大信心能夠分辨得出誰是誰，對嗎？

Alright, sit the fuck down. Let's do this.

First thing we did off the plane immediately, Bondi Beach.

下飛機後，我們馬上做的第一件事就是去邦代海灘。

Now, incredibly excited to go to Bondi -- I've been waiting two years to go to Bondi beach.

現在，我無比激動地想去邦代海灘，我已經等了兩年要去邦代海灘。

Not because of the chicks and the bikinis, don't give a fuck.

不是因為那些小妞和比基尼，我也不屌。

I came to Australia for one reason because I want to see a full grown Indian man who walk into the ocean with jeans and socks on.

我來澳洲只有一個原因，那就是我想看看一個成熟的印度男人，穿著牛仔褲和襪子走進大海。

I'm like this is got to be set up in Bondi rescue.

我想，這一定是在邦代海灘救援隊捏造的。

There's no way the Indians park their Uber, get out in the same outfit and walk straight into the ocean and then just fucking flow to New Zealand.

印度人不可能把他們的 Uber 停好，穿著同樣的衣服下車，徑直走進大海，然後就他媽的流向紐西蘭。

They don't even -- every Indian in New Zealand started at Bondi Beach.

他們甚至沒有——在紐西蘭的每個印度人都從邦代海灘開始他們的旅程。

I saw people protesting Israel Palestine war, man.

我看到有人在抗議以色列巴勒斯坦戰爭。

All these white Australians out there,  (saying) "Give them back their land."

這些澳洲白人喊著：「把土地還給他們。」

I saw these Aboriginals on the grass like, "What the... Give who back that land?

我看到草地上的原住民像在說：「搞啥……把那片土地還給誰？

We want you to increase the Centrelink. Just increase the Centre(link).

我們希望你們增加 Centrelink（澳洲社會福利聯絡中心）。，只需增家 Centrelink 就行了。

And how expensive fuel is. I can't even afford to sniff it anymore."

而且燃料費好昂貴。我現在連聞都聞不起了。」

Bro, we started out west, we started out in, in Perth, we got Perth in the building?

我們的巡演曾從西部，從珀斯開始。這裡有珀斯來的嗎？

We got Western Australia in the building?

你們知道羅特尼斯島嗎？（Rotto為Rottnest Island簡稱）

I want more than anything to go check out the island.

I want to, you know, see the adorable little creatures they got covering the island.

我想看看島上那些可愛的小動物。

I believe you guys call them the Chinese.

So they're the cutest little things you can walk right up to them and tickle them and take a selfie.

它們是最可愛的小東西，你可以走到它們身邊，給它們撓癢癢，然後自拍一張。

You can't feed them because they bite and if they bite you, you start buying apartments up in Sydney.

你不能餵它們，因為它們會咬人，如果它們咬你，你就會開始瘋狂在雪梨買公寓。

But there's so many Chinese people on Rottnest Island.

They don't even call it Rottnest Island. They call it Taiwan.

他們甚至都不叫那地方羅特尼斯島，他們稱之為臺灣。

I'm gonna be honest with you because Australia, you know, if China invades Taiwan, it's Australia and the US that got to defend Taiwan, you all know that, right?

我實話實說，因為澳洲，你們知道，如果中國入侵臺灣，澳洲和美國必須保衛臺灣，你們都知道吧？

Now, here's the thing and we haven't had this discussion. We need to talk to y'all about this a little bit.

現在，情況是這樣的，我們還沒有討論過這個問題，我們必須和你們聊聊過這個。

我們現在老實說，我們有多大的信心可以分辨得出他們誰是誰，對吧？

Look, let's just. That's a reasonable question, right?

聽著。這是個合理的問題，對吧？

Once China touches land, it's gonna be the Spider-Man meme like.

一旦中國人著陸，就會成為蜘蛛人迷因。

We gonna have to do shirts and skins for that one now.

我想我們必須把他們分成「穿上衣」跟「打赤膊」組。

We gotta do... China, you guys will be shirts obviously because that's where they're made.

中國人會是穿上衣組的，因為上衣就是在中國製造的。

And do you think you could tell a Taiwanese, bro? Just by looking at them?

兄弟，你覺得你能分辨得出台灣人嗎？ 光用看的？

We need to learn that shit or come up with another strategy.

我們是該學學那個技術，或是另想策略。

The second the war starts, we gotta tell every Taiwanese, "Listen, just for this period of time, open them up. Just for this period of time."

戰爭一開始，我們就得告訴每一個臺灣人：「聽著，就在這段時間就好，把眼睛打開。就這段時間就好。」

It's like Friday Night Lights, "Round eyes, full hearts, can't lose." OK?

就像影集《勝利之光》裡演的那樣：「睜圓雙眼、全力以赴、我們不能輸」。（原台詞為「clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose」）

America! You beautiful pill popping gender swapping, fentanyl snorting space exploring right swiping stepmom piping champions of the world.

美國！你這美麗的藥丸彈出、性別交換，芬太尼吸食、太空探索、權利交換、繼母管道的世界冠軍。

I've taken The Life Tour all over the world.

我的 The Life Tour 遍佈世界各地。

I've crossed more borders than a Chinese spy balloon or as they call them in Montana, a sky dumpling.

我越過的國界比中國間諜氣球還多，蒙大拿州人管它們叫「空中餃子」。

And now it's time to come back to the greatest country in the world, America, baby!

現在是時候回到世界上最偉大的國家，美國了寶貝！

In 2024 The Life Tour is coming all over America.

Like Josh Giddey watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

就像 Josh Giddey 看《Toddlers & Tiaras》。

And there's one rule, everyone gets these jokes.

而且有一條規則，每個人都聽懂這些笑話。

I'm clearly trying to film something over here.

泡在冰浴裡的邁克爾·J·福克斯嗎？

It's really hard to defend. It really fucking sucks, dude.

確實很難防守。 真的太他媽糟糕了，老兄。