Our experiences help shape who we are.

我們的經歷有助於塑造我們的身份。

But with those experiences comes baggage unconscious patterns and beliefs that are sometimes hard to shake off, especially if you're not aware of them.

但是，隨著這些經歷而來的是包袱，無意識的模式和信念，有時很難擺脫，特別是如果你沒有意識到它們。

When you enter a relationship, your partner accepts that you have that baggage.

當你進入一段關係時，你的伴侶接受了你有這個包袱。

And do you accept that your partner also has their own problems to deal with.

而且你是否接受你的伴侶也有自己的問題需要處理。

Trouble comes when those unconscious patterns or actions are not seen dealt with and are let loose causing harm to each other.

當這些無意識的模式或行為沒有被看到處理，並被釋放出來造成對彼此的傷害時，麻煩就來了。

And the relationship with that said here are five ways to unintentionally ruin your relationships.

而與此相關的是，這裡有五種無意中毀掉你的關係的方法。

Number one making assumptions.

第一是做假設。

Do you often find yourself thinking negatively about your partner after they didn't respond the way you wanted them to or how they usually respond?

你是否經常發現，在你的伴侶沒有按照你希望的方式或他們通常的方式作出迴應後，你會對他們進行負面思考？

You might be making assumptions.

你可能是在做假設。

Once we take a thought or belief as a fact, we start having negative feelings or even negative actions towards our partner that could result in friction and arguments.

一旦我們把一個想法或信念當作事實，我們就會開始對我們的伴侶產生負面的感覺，甚至是負面的行動，從而可能導致摩擦和爭吵。

Making assumptions about those you care about can be toxic, says Madison fredericks, a license proof Counselor in an article for symmetry counseling.

對你關心的人做出假設可能是有毒的，麥迪遜-弗雷德裡克斯（Madison fredericks）說，他是一名有執照的證明諮詢師，在一篇為對稱性諮詢的文章中說。

Whenever you catch yourself making an assumption or about to make one fredericks suggest asking your partner about the facts and their perspective clarifying if you still have doubts and owning up to your assumptions.

每當你發現自己做了一個假設或準備做一個假設時，弗雷德裡克斯建議向你的伴侶詢問事實和他們的觀點，如果你仍然有疑問，就澄清一下，並承認自己的假設。

If you've made them, this will clear the air and foster more trust and intimacy between the two of you.

如果你已經做了，這將清除空氣，促進你們兩個人之間更多的信任和親密關係。

# two unspoken understandings.

#兩個不言而喻的理解。

Unspoken understandings most often than not our expectations of the future or agreements that we think the other person will follow without us saying anything.

不言而喻的理解往往是我們對未來的期望或我們認為對方會遵守的協議，而我們什麼都不說。

But if you do not communicate what you expect or what you want, the other person to do, they will never know.

但是，如果你不傳達你的期望或你想讓對方做什麼，他們將永遠不會知道。

The second problem is the thought that you can control what will happen.

第二個問題是認為你可以控制會發生什麼。

Unfortunately no one can control the future.

不幸的是，沒有人可以控制未來。

So to prevent things from going sideways as much as possible, it's important to talk to your partner.

是以，為了儘可能地防止事情走偏，重要的是要與你的伴侶交談。

It's also important that you ground your expectations, expectations or understandings have a very high chance of not coming true when this happens, it creates negative feelings of unreliability, resentment, anger and dejection in the person that had them in the first place.

同樣重要的是，你要把你的期望落到實處，期望或理解在這種情況下有很大的機率不能實現，它在最初擁有這些期望的人身上產生了不可靠、怨恨、憤怒和沮喪的負面情緒。

The best expectations are to have none at all and to communicate clearly with your partner about your thoughts, wants and needs number three, refusing to apologize.

最好的期望是完全沒有，並與你的伴侶清楚地溝通你的想法、願望和需求第三，拒絕道歉。

Do you apologize to your partner or others when you have done something wrong that hurt them?

當你做了傷害他人的錯事時，你會向你的伴侶或其他人道歉嗎？

According to an article in Very Well, mind experts say that not apologizing in a relationship is a way to risk losing it.

根據《很好》雜誌的一篇文章，心智專家說，在一段關係中不道歉是一種冒著失去關係的風險的方式。

Not apologizing gives the message that you do not care about the other person.

不道歉給人的資訊是你不關心對方。

It could also be that you aren't apologizing because doing so would make you feel that you're weak or that there's something inherently wrong with you.

也可能是你沒有道歉，因為這樣做會讓你覺得你很軟弱，或者你本身就有問題。

But not apologizing fosters distrust anger, resentment and weakens the bond in the relationship.

但不道歉會助長不信任的憤怒，怨恨，並削弱關係中的紐帶。

Apologizing.

道歉。

Help to repair relationships by getting people talking again and makes them feel comfortable with each other again.

通過讓人們再次交談，幫助修復關係，使他們再次感覺到彼此的舒適。

A sincere apology lets people know that you're not proud of what you did and won't be repeating the behavior, apologize sincerely acknowledge the other person's feelings except what you did wrong and what wasn't your fault.

真誠的道歉讓人們知道，你並不為你所做的事情感到驕傲，也不會再重複這種行為，除了你做錯的事情和不是你的錯之外，真誠地道歉承認對方的感受。

Take responsibility for what you did and work to change it in the future.

為你所做的事情負責，並努力在未來改變它。

Number four, refusing to compromise, refusing to compromise can come as a result of past situations in which you give to another person and not get anything in return because you felt that you had given in and later did not get anything in return.

第四，拒絕妥協，拒絕妥協可能來自於過去的情況，即你為另一個人付出，卻沒有得到任何回報，因為你覺得你已經讓步，後來卻沒有得到任何回報。

You might feel resentful and hurt, but communication is the key to preventing resentment and anger when it comes time to compromise.

你可能會感到反感和受傷，但當需要妥協時，溝通是防止反感和憤怒的關鍵。

The important thing is that you both feel heard and understood.

重要的是，你們都感覺到被傾聽和理解。

In turn it will be important that your partner feels able to do the same and that you're able to listen to.

反過來，讓你的伴侶感到能夠做同樣的事情，並且你能夠傾聽，這將是非常重要的。

If one partner feels like they're being overlooked, ignored or not being taken care of it can create negative feelings that then manifest into arguments or negative actions.

如果一方覺得自己被忽視了，被忽略了，或者沒有被照顧到，就會產生負面情緒，然後表現為爭吵或消極行動。

Communication and full expression are important in order for this not to happen and to promote openness, vulnerability and connection and number five blaming and not looking at your part in things.

溝通和充分表達是很重要的，這樣才能使這種情況不發生，並促進開放、脆弱和聯繫，第五項是指責和不看你在事情中的部分。

Do you find yourself or your partner sometimes blaming each other over things?

你是否發現自己或你的伴侶有時會因為一些事情而責備對方？

More often than not?

更多的時候？

We tend to blame the other person and not take responsibility for our own actions due to fear.

由於恐懼，我們傾向於指責對方而不對自己的行為負責。

But taking responsibility creates trust and dependability when you take responsibility for your behaviors.

但是，當你為自己的行為負責時，承擔責任就會產生信任和依賴。

You demonstrate your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turn encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you.

你向你的伴侶表明你願意誠實和脆弱，這反過來鼓勵你的伴侶對你開放和真實。

Taking responsibility looks like self awareness, being able to apologize, accepting that your actions affect your partner having open communication.

承擔責任看起來像自我意識，能夠道歉，接受你的行為影響到你的伴侶，有公開的溝通。

Being willing to admit things that are hard on them and holding yourself accountable for your own actions and words.

願意承認對他們來說很困難的事情，併為自己的行為和語言負責。

Working through all of these problems takes time and communication.

解決所有這些問題需要時間和溝通。

It's alright if you don't solve them overnight.

如果你不在一夜之間解決這些問題，那也沒關係。

In fact some of them can only be solved when we unlearn behaviors and patterns that don't work for us anymore and that can take time.

事實上，其中一些問題只有在我們解除對我們不再有效的行為和模式時才能得到解決，而這可能需要時間。

What's important is that you become aware and start on your journey to a better relationship with yourself and your partner.

重要的是，你要意識到並開始與自己和伴侶建立更好的關係。

Do you recognize any of these in your own relationships or in others?

你在自己或他人的關係中是否認識到這些？

Tell us in the comments and don't forget to check out our Youtube channel for more about psychology and relationships.

在評論中告訴我們，別忘了查看我們的Youtube頻道，瞭解更多關於心理學和關係的資訊。