I'd often grab a camera crew

我經常會抓住一個攝影小組

and hang out with my wonderful staff,

並與我的優秀員工一起玩耍。

including my trusted assistant Sona Movsesian.

包括我信任的助手Sona Movsesian。

(audience cheering)

(觀眾歡呼)

Here are some highlights!

這裡有一些亮點!

You got my lunch today?

你今天給我帶了午餐嗎？

Yeah.

是的。

I didn't eat lunch today.

我今天沒有吃午飯。

Oh. (audience chuckles)

哦。（觀眾笑聲）。

Evan

埃文

Mm-hmm.

嗯，嗯。

Was told today to go get Conan's lunch.

今天被告知要去拿柯南的午餐。

Absolutely, I did that.

當然，我是這麼做的。

But Conan didn't eat lunch.

但柯南並沒有吃午飯。

Conan didn't even order lunch.

柯南甚至沒有點午餐。

I spoke with Sona.

我和索納談過了。

Sona! (audience laughs)

索納!(觀眾笑聲)

Sometimes, in order to get things done quickly

有時，為了快速完成工作

for me, I might use your name to like light a fire under-

對我來說，我可能會用你的名字來點火，就像在...

What else are you doing

你還在做什麼

for yourself where you use my name?

在你使用我的名字的地方為你自己？

(Sona laughing)

(索納笑)

Let it go. (laughing) (audience laughs)

讓它去吧。(笑) (觀眾笑聲)

She just walked away!

她就這麼走了!

Did you send this email out to the entire staff?

你是否向全體員工發送了這封電子郵件？

"I know this is a complete abuse of

"我知道這完全是一種濫用

'Hey everybody,' but if you stole my Gigolos mug,

'大家好'，但如果你偷了我的Gigolos馬克杯。

I'm going to find you and destroy you."

我要找到你並摧毀你。"

Did you send that?

是你發的嗎？

Uh, yes I did.

呃，是的，我做到了。

First of all, what's a Gigolos mug?

首先，什麼是Gigolos馬克杯？

[Sona] Gigolos is a show on Showtime

[Sona]Gigolos是Showtime的一個節目

and it says Gigolos on one side

它的一面寫著Gigolos

and on the other it says, "Working stiff."

而另一個則寫著："工作僵硬"。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Is "working stiff" like a joke?

"工作的僵硬 "像是一個笑話嗎？

Yes. (audience laughs)

是的。（觀眾笑）。

I think so. What's the joke?

我想是的。有什麼好笑的？

I think stiff like,

我認為僵硬的喜歡。

like a,

像一個。

like it's a stiff.

就像它是一個僵硬的。

Like a penis is stiff. (audience laughs)

就像一個陰莖是僵硬的。(觀眾笑)

All right, stop. I'm sorry.

好了，停下來。我很抱歉。

Is it possible, you had a little drinky winky

有沒有可能，你喝了點酒？

and maybe misplaced it?

也許放錯了地方？

I had a drinky like this morning? I had a drinky winky?

我有一個像今天早上的飲料？我有一個飲料的winky？

Do you ever drink at work?

你在工作中喝過酒嗎？

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

(she sighs) (audience laughs)

(她嘆氣) (觀眾笑)

Okay, let's leave that alone. Let's just leave it alone.

好吧，讓我們別管這個了。讓我們別管它了。

If you have any theories about what happened to the mug.

如果你對這個杯子發生的事情有任何理論。

People just take shit all the time!

人們只是一直在拉屎!

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

What do you mean people steal stuff?

你說人們偷東西是什麼意思？

You've had stuff stolen?

你的東西被偷了？

I made a mark to prove if someone was stealing my booze.

我做了一個標記，以證明是否有人在偷我的酒。

What kind of office is this? (audience laughs)

這是個什麼樣的辦公室？(觀眾笑)

Do you keep alcohol in your desk?

你的辦公桌裡有酒嗎？

No, I should though, probably.

不，我應該，雖然，可能。

No. Why should you?

不，你為什麼要這樣做？

It'd make the day more fun.

這將使這一天更加有趣。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Okay.

好的。

Did you take her alcohol, man?

你把她的酒拿走了嗎，夥計？

Oh, because I'm Irish.

哦，因為我是愛爾蘭人。

Yeah.

是的。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Incredible.

令人難以置信。

No, I didn't take her alcohol.

不，我沒有拿她的酒。

I'm not a big drinker.

我不是一個大酒鬼。

(gulping) (audience laughs)

(咽口水) (觀眾笑)

This is a crossword puzzle. Yes.

這是一個填字遊戲。是的。

And it was sitting on your desk.

而它就在你的桌子上。

So you were doing a crossword puzzle on your desk?

所以你在你的桌子上做填字遊戲？

Don't. You can't lie in front of the camera.

不要。你不能在鏡頭前撒謊。

You can't lie.

你不能撒謊。

Then yes, I was.

那麼是的，我是。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Okay, what are you stuck on?

好吧，你卡在什麼地方了？

If I say it and then, you know,

如果我說，然後，你知道。

this ends up on the thing,

這個東西最終會出現在上面。

then people are gonna think I'm stupid for not knowing it.

那麼人們就會認為我很傻，不知道這一點。

So I just don't want to say it.

所以我只是不想說。

Okay, a three letter word for vehicle

好吧，一個三個字母的車輛單詞

that starts with C is car. (audience laughs)

以C開頭的是汽車。 (觀眾笑)

(stamp thuds)

(郵票的響聲)

Billy, can you ask Sona

比利，你能不能問問索納

to bring me a half-caff vanilla latte with skim milk?

給我來杯半咖啡因的香草拿鐵加脫脂牛奶？

(band plays upbeat music) (audience cheers)

(樂隊演奏歡快的音樂) (觀眾歡呼)

Wait a minute, Sona, this is tea.

等一下，索納，這是茶。

Just drink it, pussy.

喝下去吧，娘們。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

[Conan] Why is this thing open?

[柯南]為什麼這個東西是開放的？

[Sona] It doesn't close.

[Sona]它沒有關閉。

I can fix this if you want?

如果你想，我可以解決這個問題？

What? Can you- (plastic crunches)

什麼？你能... ...（塑膠的仰臥起坐）嗎？

Oh my god! (audience cheers)

哦，我的上帝！（觀眾歡呼）。

Conan!

柯南！

[Conan] How about a Hummer?

[柯南] 悍馬怎麼樣？

Wanna get a Hummer?

想買一輛悍馬嗎？

[Sona] It needs so much gas.

[Sona]它需要這麼多氣體。

They make a model that only runs on rainforest wood.

他們製造了一種只用雨林木的模型。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

That's not true.

這不是真的。

Okay, good improv partner.

好的，好的即興表演夥伴。

(as Sona) "That's not true, that's not true.

(作為索納）"那不是真的，那不是真的。

"No, it's not." (audience laughs)

"不，它不是。"(觀眾笑)

More, with Conan and Sona's improv, when we come back.

更多內容，包括柯南和索納的即興表演，等我們回來再說。

Well, I'm in a candy shop.

嗯，我在一家糖果店裡。

(as Sona) "No, you're not."

(作為索納) "不，你不是。"

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Imagine we're at the office Okay.

想象一下，我們在辦公室裡 好的。

And you're wearing that

而你卻穿著那

and there's like a call

有像一個電話

"Steven Spielberg on line one."

"史蒂芬-斯皮爾伯格在一線。"

Steven Spielberg wouldn't call you.

史蒂芬-斯皮爾伯格不會給你打電話。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

(heroic music)

(英雄的音樂)

(audience cheers)

(觀眾歡呼)

[Sona] I mean, he just won't have that much drama.

[Sona]我的意思是，他只是不會有那麼多的戲。

(sheep bells clanging)

(羊鐘聲響起)

[Conan] Sona, your natural speaking voice

[柯南]索納，你的自然說話聲

is driving them that way.

是促使他們這樣做的原因。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

I think Sona would be easy to find a match for.

我認為索納很容易找到合適的人選。

Good job in America.

在美國幹得不錯。

Well.

好吧。

Good job. (audience laughs)

幹得好。(觀眾笑聲)

My boss is kind of a dick. (audience laughs)

我的老闆是個混蛋。（觀眾笑）。

That's not nice.

這可不好。

I had something delivered to your house

我讓人把東西送到你家裡

that it felt high time to recognize someone

我覺得現在是時候承認一個人了

who's doing a killer job.

他正在做一個殺手級的工作。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

Wait a minute, I won?

等一下，我贏了？

I got Employee of the Month!

我得到了本月最佳員工獎!

If you're just tuning in Kumail Nanjiani

如果你只是在收聽庫梅爾-南賈尼的節目

not able to make it tonight. Yeah.

今晚不能來了。是的。

And at what point did you realize

而在什麼時候，你意識到

you were going to be the guest on the show tonight

你將成為今晚節目的嘉賓

and not Kumail Nanjiani?

而不是Kumail Nanjiani？

I think right when I was walking in,

我想就在我走進去的時候。

like when you called my name, I was like,

就像你叫我的名字時，我就像。

"Oh shit. They really ran out of stuff to do."

"哦，該死。他們真的沒有東西可做了。"

(audience laughs and applauds)

(觀眾笑聲和掌聲)

You're looking for a house right now.

你現在就在找房子。

Yeah. Can I put you on the spot?

是的。我可以讓你在現場嗎？

Can you buy me a house?

你能給我買個房子嗎？

Uh. (audience cheers)

呃。（觀眾歡呼聲）。

Buy me a house, buy me a house, buy me a house!

給我買個房子，給我買個房子，給我買個房子!

(audience continues chanting and cheering)

(觀眾繼續呼喊和歡呼)

So, tell me what's going on with you guys.

所以，告訴我你們是怎麼回事。

I think that there is a mental block

我認為，有一個心理障礙

I have about helping him.

我有關於幫助他。

She has a mental block against helping me.

她對幫助我有一種心理障礙。

She's my assistant! (audience laughs)

她是我的助手!(觀眾笑)

Let's understand why.

讓我們瞭解一下原因。

I think some positive reinforcement would be nice.

我認為一些積極的強化措施會很好。

And also it'd be great if he stopped

而且，如果他能停下來，那就更好了

being so passive aggressive all the time.

一直以來都是如此被動地攻擊。

(in a voice) I'm not passive aggressive.

(聲音)我不是被動的攻擊性。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

These are slanders.

這些都是誹謗。

He goes into character

他進入了角色

when he doesn't want to address reality sometimes.

當他有時不想面對現實時。

(in an accent) This is not true!

(口音)這不是真的!

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

I disagree!

我不同意!

He does too many bits.

他做了太多的位子。

Do you see the bits? This never stops.

你看到這些位子了嗎？這永遠不會停止。

It never

它從未

The bits are never ending.

這些位子是永遠不會結束的。

Like if we're out at a store or something,

比如我們在外面的商店或其他地方。

running an errand, he'll tell the workers,

跑個腿，他就會告訴工人。

"You better watch out for her cause she steals."

"你最好小心她，因為她會偷東西。"

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

But do you understand how that might make her feel?

但你是否瞭解這可能會讓她感覺如何？

Like a criminal? Yeah, exactly.

像一個罪犯？是的，沒錯。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

I mean, I used to steal. (audience laughs)

我的意思是，我曾經偷過東西。(觀眾笑)

[Therapist] Oh, okay.

[治療師] 哦，好的。

You used to steal!

你曾經偷過東西!

I was totally kidding around.

我完全是在開玩笑。

So this is a breakthrough.

所以這是一個突破。

I stole Skittles from Blockbuster.

我從Blockbuster偷了Skittles。

I stole a stick of gum once from the market.

有一次我從市場上偷了一根口香糖。

I stole a bracelet from Express.

我從快遞公司偷了一個手鐲。

I stole another bracelet from Express

我又從快遞公司偷了一個手鐲

and someone told me to return it.

並有人告訴我把它退回。

I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters once.

我曾經從Urban Outfitters偷了一條頭帶。

I stole a hat.

我偷了一頂帽子。

Okay.

好的。

This list doesn't end!

這個名單沒有結束!

So there's some validity here.

所以這裡有一些合理性。

This is a crime spree that Hillside Strangler would envy.

這是一個讓山坡上的勒索者羨慕的犯罪狂歡。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

This works for us.

這對我們很有用。

It's sick. It's wrong.

這是有病的。這是不對的。

Very little is accomplished.

完成的事情很少。

[Sona] Very, very little.

[Sona]非常、非常少。

It's insanity and it should be stopped.

這是精神錯亂，應該被制止。

It's your job to stop it.

阻止它是你的工作。

Would you like me to fire you?

你想讓我解僱你嗎？

I think we should both be fired.

我認為我們都應該被解僱。

Well, this is great.

嗯，這很好。

Are you happy now? You did this.

你現在高興嗎？你做了這個。

I didn't do it, you did it.

不是我乾的，是你乾的。

I'm gonna get a job at a Burger King

我要在漢堡王找到一份工作

and you're going to be my assistant.

而你將成為我的助手。

(audience laughs and cheers)

(觀眾笑聲和歡呼聲)

I'd crush it at Burger King.

我在漢堡王的時候就會把它壓碎。

(clapping)

(鼓掌)

Hey, a

嘿，一個

quick personal note.

快速的個人說明。

I think Sona is due to deliver twins in like a week.

我認為索娜在大約一週內就要生雙胞胎了。

(audience cheers)

(觀眾歡呼)

We're very excited for her and we love her to death.

我們為她感到非常興奮，我們愛死她了。

And you know, what's amazing about Sona,

而且你知道，索納的神奇之處在於。

just again, on a personal note, she is always herself.

只是，就個人而言，她始終是她自己。

You know, most people,

你知道，大多數人。

you put a camera on them and they change.

你把相機放在他們身上，他們就會改變。

They add a little something.

他們增加了一點東西。

Sona, you could put her in Yeah, that's Sona.

索納，你可以把她放在 是的，那是索納。

Radio City Music Hall,

無線電城音樂廳。

and you could bring her out there in front of thousands

你可以在成千上萬的人面前把她帶出來

of people and have it be the most watched television event.

的人，並讓它成為收視率最高的電視事件。

And she'd be like, "What's up? What the fuck's going on?"

她就會說，"怎麼了？到底發生了什麼？"

You know? (audience laughs)

你知道嗎？(觀眾笑)

And she'd be charming and hilarious.

而且她會很有魅力，很搞笑。

She really... I've never met anybody like that before.

她真的...我以前從未見過這樣的人。