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  • Over the past 11 years,

    在過去11年中。

  • I'd often grab a camera crew

    我經常會抓住一個攝影小組

  • and hang out with my wonderful staff,

    並與我的優秀員工一起玩耍。

  • including my trusted assistant Sona Movsesian.

    包括我信任的助手Sona Movsesian。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Here are some highlights!

    這裡有一些亮點!

  • You got my lunch today?

    你今天給我帶了午餐嗎?

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • I didn't eat lunch today.

    我今天沒有吃午飯。

  • Oh. (audience chuckles)

    哦。(觀眾笑聲)。

  • Evan

    埃文

  • Mm-hmm.

    嗯,嗯。

  • Was told today to go get Conan's lunch.

    今天被告知要去拿柯南的午餐。

  • Absolutely, I did that.

    當然,我是這麼做的。

  • But Conan didn't eat lunch.

    但柯南並沒有吃午飯。

  • Conan didn't even order lunch.

    柯南甚至沒有點午餐。

  • I spoke with Sona.

    我和索納談過了。

  • Sona! (audience laughs)

    索納!(觀眾笑聲)

  • Sometimes, in order to get things done quickly

    有時,為了快速完成工作

  • for me, I might use your name to like light a fire under-

    對我來說,我可能會用你的名字來點火,就像在...

  • What else are you doing

    你還在做什麼

  • for yourself where you use my name?

    在你使用我的名字的地方為你自己?

  • (Sona laughing)

    (索納笑)

  • Let it go. (laughing) (audience laughs)

    讓它去吧。(笑) (觀眾笑聲)

  • She just walked away!

    她就這麼走了!

  • Did you send this email out to the entire staff?

    你是否向全體員工發送了這封電子郵件?

  • "I know this is a complete abuse of

    "我知道這完全是一種濫用

  • 'Hey everybody,' but if you stole my Gigolos mug,

    '大家好',但如果你偷了我的Gigolos馬克杯。

  • I'm going to find you and destroy you."

    我要找到你並摧毀你。"

  • Did you send that?

    是你發的嗎?

  • Uh, yes I did.

    呃,是的,我做到了。

  • First of all, what's a Gigolos mug?

    首先,什麼是Gigolos馬克杯?

  • [Sona] Gigolos is a show on Showtime

    [Sona]Gigolos是Showtime的一個節目

  • and it says Gigolos on one side

    它的一面寫著Gigolos

  • and on the other it says, "Working stiff."

    而另一個則寫著:"工作僵硬"。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Is "working stiff" like a joke?

    "工作的僵硬 "像是一個笑話嗎?

  • Yes. (audience laughs)

    是的。(觀眾笑)。

  • I think so. What's the joke?

    我想是的。有什麼好笑的?

  • I think stiff like,

    我認為僵硬的喜歡。

  • like a,

    像一個。

  • like it's a stiff.

    就像它是一個僵硬的。

  • Like a penis is stiff. (audience laughs)

    就像一個陰莖是僵硬的。(觀眾笑)

  • All right, stop. I'm sorry.

    好了,停下來。我很抱歉。

  • Is it possible, you had a little drinky winky

    有沒有可能,你喝了點酒?

  • and maybe misplaced it?

    也許放錯了地方?

  • I had a drinky like this morning? I had a drinky winky?

    我有一個像今天早上的飲料?我有一個飲料的winky?

  • Do you ever drink at work?

    你在工作中喝過酒嗎?

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (she sighs) (audience laughs)

    (她嘆氣) (觀眾笑)

  • Okay, let's leave that alone. Let's just leave it alone.

    好吧,讓我們別管這個了。讓我們別管它了。

  • If you have any theories about what happened to the mug.

    如果你對這個杯子發生的事情有任何理論。

  • People just take shit all the time!

    人們只是一直在拉屎!

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • What do you mean people steal stuff?

    你說人們偷東西是什麼意思?

  • You've had stuff stolen?

    你的東西被偷了?

  • I made a mark to prove if someone was stealing my booze.

    我做了一個標記,以證明是否有人在偷我的酒。

  • What kind of office is this? (audience laughs)

    這是個什麼樣的辦公室?(觀眾笑)

  • Do you keep alcohol in your desk?

    你的辦公桌裡有酒嗎?

  • No, I should though, probably.

    不,我應該,雖然,可能。

  • No. Why should you?

    不,你為什麼要這樣做?

  • It'd make the day more fun.

    這將使這一天更加有趣。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Okay.

    好的。

  • Did you take her alcohol, man?

    你把她的酒拿走了嗎,夥計?

  • Oh, because I'm Irish.

    哦,因為我是愛爾蘭人。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Incredible.

    令人難以置信。

  • No, I didn't take her alcohol.

    不,我沒有拿她的酒。

  • I'm not a big drinker.

    我不是一個大酒鬼。

  • (gulping) (audience laughs)

    (咽口水) (觀眾笑)

  • This is a crossword puzzle. Yes.

    這是一個填字遊戲。是的。

  • And it was sitting on your desk.

    而它就在你的桌子上。

  • So you were doing a crossword puzzle on your desk?

    所以你在你的桌子上做填字遊戲?

  • Don't. You can't lie in front of the camera.

    不要。你不能在鏡頭前撒謊。

  • You can't lie.

    你不能撒謊。

  • Then yes, I was.

    那麼是的,我是。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Okay, what are you stuck on?

    好吧,你卡在什麼地方了?

  • If I say it and then, you know,

    如果我說,然後,你知道。

  • this ends up on the thing,

    這個東西最終會出現在上面。

  • then people are gonna think I'm stupid for not knowing it.

    那麼人們就會認為我很傻,不知道這一點。

  • So I just don't want to say it.

    所以我只是不想說。

  • Okay, a three letter word for vehicle

    好吧,一個三個字母的車輛單詞

  • that starts with C is car. (audience laughs)

    以C開頭的是汽車。 (觀眾笑)

  • (stamp thuds)

    (郵票的響聲)

  • Billy, can you ask Sona

    比利,你能不能問問索納

  • to bring me a half-caff vanilla latte with skim milk?

    給我來杯半咖啡因的香草拿鐵加脫脂牛奶?

  • (band plays upbeat music) (audience cheers)

    (樂隊演奏歡快的音樂) (觀眾歡呼)

  • Wait a minute, Sona, this is tea.

    等一下,索納,這是茶。

  • Just drink it, pussy.

    喝下去吧,娘們。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • [Conan] Why is this thing open?

    [柯南]為什麼這個東西是開放的?

  • [Sona] It doesn't close.

    [Sona]它沒有關閉。

  • I can fix this if you want?

    如果你想,我可以解決這個問題?

  • What? Can you- (plastic crunches)

    什麼?你能... ...(塑膠的仰臥起坐)嗎?

  • Oh my god! (audience cheers)

    哦,我的上帝!(觀眾歡呼)。

  • Conan!

    柯南!

  • [Conan] How about a Hummer?

    [柯南] 悍馬怎麼樣?

  • Wanna get a Hummer?

    想買一輛悍馬嗎?

  • [Sona] It needs so much gas.

    [Sona]它需要這麼多氣體。

  • They make a model that only runs on rainforest wood.

    他們製造了一種只用雨林木的模型。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • That's not true.

    這不是真的。

  • Okay, good improv partner.

    好的,好的即興表演夥伴。

  • (as Sona) "That's not true, that's not true.

    (作為索納)"那不是真的,那不是真的。

  • "No, it's not." (audience laughs)

    "不,它不是。"(觀眾笑)

  • More, with Conan and Sona's improv, when we come back.

    更多內容,包括柯南和索納的即興表演,等我們回來再說。

  • Well, I'm in a candy shop.

    嗯,我在一家糖果店裡。

  • (as Sona) "No, you're not."

    (作為索納) "不,你不是。"

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Imagine we're at the office Okay.

    想象一下,我們在辦公室裡 好的。

  • And you're wearing that

    而你卻穿著那

  • and there's like a call

    有像一個電話

  • "Steven Spielberg on line one."

    "史蒂芬-斯皮爾伯格在一線。"

  • Steven Spielberg wouldn't call you.

    史蒂芬-斯皮爾伯格不會給你打電話。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (heroic music)

    (英雄的音樂)

  • (audience cheers)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • [Sona] I mean, he just won't have that much drama.

    [Sona]我的意思是,他只是不會有那麼多的戲。

  • (sheep bells clanging)

    (羊鐘聲響起)

  • [Conan] Sona, your natural speaking voice

    [柯南]索納,你的自然說話聲

  • is driving them that way.

    是促使他們這樣做的原因。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I think Sona would be easy to find a match for.

    我認為索納很容易找到合適的人選。

  • Good job in America.

    在美國幹得不錯。

  • Well.

    好吧。

  • Good job. (audience laughs)

    幹得好。(觀眾笑聲)

  • My boss is kind of a dick. (audience laughs)

    我的老闆是個混蛋。(觀眾笑)。

  • That's not nice.

    這可不好。

  • I had something delivered to your house

    我讓人把東西送到你家裡

  • that it felt high time to recognize someone

    我覺得現在是時候承認一個人了

  • who's doing a killer job.

    他正在做一個殺手級的工作。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Wait a minute, I won?

    等一下,我贏了?

  • I got Employee of the Month!

    我得到了本月最佳員工獎!

  • If you're just tuning in Kumail Nanjiani

    如果你只是在收聽庫梅爾-南賈尼的節目

  • not able to make it tonight. Yeah.

    今晚不能來了。是的。

  • And at what point did you realize

    而在什麼時候,你意識到

  • you were going to be the guest on the show tonight

    你將成為今晚節目的嘉賓

  • and not Kumail Nanjiani?

    而不是Kumail Nanjiani?

  • I think right when I was walking in,

    我想就在我走進去的時候。

  • like when you called my name, I was like,

    就像你叫我的名字時,我就像。

  • "Oh shit. They really ran out of stuff to do."

    "哦,該死。他們真的沒有東西可做了。"

  • (audience laughs and applauds)

    (觀眾笑聲和掌聲)

  • You're looking for a house right now.

    你現在就在找房子。

  • Yeah. Can I put you on the spot?

    是的。我可以讓你在現場嗎?

  • Can you buy me a house?

    你能給我買個房子嗎?

  • Uh. (audience cheers)

    呃。(觀眾歡呼聲)。

  • Buy me a house, buy me a house, buy me a house!

    給我買個房子,給我買個房子,給我買個房子!

  • (audience continues chanting and cheering)

    (觀眾繼續呼喊和歡呼)

  • So, tell me what's going on with you guys.

    所以,告訴我你們是怎麼回事。

  • I think that there is a mental block

    我認為,有一個心理障礙

  • I have about helping him.

    我有關於幫助他。

  • She has a mental block against helping me.

    她對幫助我有一種心理障礙。

  • She's my assistant! (audience laughs)

    她是我的助手!(觀眾笑)

  • Let's understand why.

    讓我們瞭解一下原因。

  • I think some positive reinforcement would be nice.

    我認為一些積極的強化措施會很好。

  • And also it'd be great if he stopped

    而且,如果他能停下來,那就更好了

  • being so passive aggressive all the time.

    一直以來都是如此被動地攻擊。

  • (in a voice) I'm not passive aggressive.

    (聲音)我不是被動的攻擊性。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • These are slanders.

    這些都是誹謗。

  • He goes into character

    他進入了角色

  • when he doesn't want to address reality sometimes.

    當他有時不想面對現實時。

  • (in an accent) This is not true!

    (口音)這不是真的!

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I disagree!

    我不同意!

  • He does too many bits.

    他做了太多的位子。

  • Do you see the bits? This never stops.

    你看到這些位子了嗎?這永遠不會停止。

  • It never

    它從未

  • The bits are never ending.

    這些位子是永遠不會結束的。

  • Like if we're out at a store or something,

    比如我們在外面的商店或其他地方。

  • running an errand, he'll tell the workers,

    跑個腿,他就會告訴工人。

  • "You better watch out for her cause she steals."

    "你最好小心她,因為她會偷東西。"

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But do you understand how that might make her feel?

    但你是否瞭解這可能會讓她感覺如何?

  • Like a criminal? Yeah, exactly.

    像一個罪犯?是的,沒錯。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I mean, I used to steal. (audience laughs)

    我的意思是,我曾經偷過東西。(觀眾笑)

  • [Therapist] Oh, okay.

    [治療師] 哦,好的。

  • You used to steal!

    你曾經偷過東西!

  • I was totally kidding around.

    我完全是在開玩笑。

  • So this is a breakthrough.

    所以這是一個突破。

  • I stole Skittles from Blockbuster.

    我從Blockbuster偷了Skittles。

  • I stole a stick of gum once from the market.

    有一次我從市場上偷了一根口香糖。

  • I stole a bracelet from Express.

    我從快遞公司偷了一個手鐲。

  • I stole another bracelet from Express

    我又從快遞公司偷了一個手鐲

  • and someone told me to return it.

    並有人告訴我把它退回。

  • I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters once.

    我曾經從Urban Outfitters偷了一條頭帶。

  • I stole a hat.

    我偷了一頂帽子。

  • Okay.

    好的。

  • This list doesn't end!

    這個名單沒有結束!

  • So there's some validity here.

    所以這裡有一些合理性。

  • This is a crime spree that Hillside Strangler would envy.

    這是一個讓山坡上的勒索者羨慕的犯罪狂歡。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • This works for us.

    這對我們很有用。

  • It's sick. It's wrong.

    這是有病的。這是不對的。

  • Very little is accomplished.

    完成的事情很少。

  • [Sona] Very, very little.

    [Sona]非常、非常少。

  • It's insanity and it should be stopped.

    這是精神錯亂,應該被制止。

  • It's your job to stop it.

    阻止它是你的工作。

  • Would you like me to fire you?

    你想讓我解僱你嗎?

  • I think we should both be fired.

    我認為我們都應該被解僱。

  • Well, this is great.

    嗯,這很好。

  • Are you happy now? You did this.

    你現在高興嗎?你做了這個。

  • I didn't do it, you did it.

    不是我乾的,是你乾的。

  • I'm gonna get a job at a Burger King

    我要在漢堡王找到一份工作

  • and you're going to be my assistant.

    而你將成為我的助手。

  • (audience laughs and cheers)

    (觀眾笑聲和歡呼聲)

  • I'd crush it at Burger King.

    我在漢堡王的時候就會把它壓碎。

  • (clapping)

    (鼓掌)

  • Hey, a

    嘿,一個

  • quick personal note.

    快速的個人說明。

  • I think Sona is due to deliver twins in like a week.

    我認為索娜在大約一週內就要生雙胞胎了。

  • (audience cheers)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • We're very excited for her and we love her to death.

    我們為她感到非常興奮,我們愛死她了。

  • And you know, what's amazing about Sona,

    而且你知道,索納的神奇之處在於。

  • just again, on a personal note, she is always herself.

    只是,就個人而言,她始終是她自己。

  • You know, most people,

    你知道,大多數人。

  • you put a camera on them and they change.

    你把相機放在他們身上,他們就會改變。

  • They add a little something.

    他們增加了一點東西。

  • Sona, you could put her in Yeah, that's Sona.

    索納,你可以把她放在 是的,那是索納。

  • Radio City Music Hall,

    無線電城音樂廳。

  • and you could bring her out there in front of thousands

    你可以在成千上萬的人面前把她帶出來

  • of people and have it be the most watched television event.

    的人,並讓它成為收視率最高的電視事件。

  • And she'd be like, "What's up? What the fuck's going on?"

    她就會說,"怎麼了?到底發生了什麼?"

  • You know? (audience laughs)

    你知道嗎?(觀眾笑)

  • And she'd be charming and hilarious.

    而且她會很有魅力,很搞笑。

  • She really... I've never met anybody like that before.

    她真的...我以前從未見過這樣的人。

Over the past 11 years,

在過去11年中。

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優秀的Sona Movsesian | TBS上的CONAN (The Best Of Sona Movsesian | CONAN on TBS)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2022 年 05 月 20 日
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