ways that range far beyond the imagined norms of civilised conduct: they speak in a highly

他們說話的方式遠遠超出了想象中的文明行為準則：他們以一種高度的

pitched voice, they exaggerate, they weep, they beg, their words become almost incoherent;

他們的聲音很高，他們誇張，他們哭泣，他們乞求，他們的話幾乎變得語無倫次。

they pull their own hair; they bite their own hand; they roll on the floor.

他們拉自己的頭髮；他們咬自己的手；他們在地上打滾。

Unsurprisingly, it can become supremely tempting for their partner to assert that this dramatic

不足為奇的是，他們的伴侶可能會變得極其誘人，聲稱這種戲劇性的

behaviour means they have evidently gone mad - and to close them down on this score. To

行為意味著他們顯然已經瘋了--並以此為由關閉他們。對

press the point home, the unagitated partner may start to speak in a preternaturally calm

如果你想讓對方明白你的意思，那麼你就可以用一種非常平靜的語氣說話。

way, as if addressing an unruly dog or a red-faced two year old. They may assert that, since

就像對一隻不聽話的狗或一個紅臉的兩歲小孩說話一樣。他們可能斷言，由於

the partner has grown so unreasonable, there doesn't seem to be any point in continuing

夥伴已經變得如此不講道理，似乎沒有任何意義繼續下去

the conversation - a conclusion which drives the distressed partner to further paroxysms

談話--這個結論會促使痛苦的伴侶進一步痙攣

and convulsions.

和抽搐。

It is natural to propose that the person who loses their temper in the course of an argument

很自然地提出，在爭論過程中發脾氣的人

thereby loses any claim to credibility. Whatever point they may be trying to make seems automatically

從而失去了任何可信度的要求。無論他們想表達什麼觀點，似乎都會自動地

to be invalidated by the fact that they are doing so while in a chaotic state. The only

以至於他們在混亂狀態下這樣做的事實而無效。唯一的

priority seems to be to shift attention to how utterly awful and immature they are being.

優先權似乎是為了將注意力轉移到他們是多麼的可怕和不成熟。

It is evident: the one who is calm is good; the one who is frothing and spluttering is

顯而易見的是：平靜的人是好的；口沫橫飛的人是

a cretin.

一個白痴。

Unfortunately, both partners end up trapped in an unproductive cycle that benefits neither

不幸的是，夥伴雙方最終都陷入了一個無益的循環，對雙方都沒有好處。

of them. There's a moment when the calm one may turn and say: 'Since you are mad,

的人。有一個時刻，平靜的人可能會轉身說：'既然你是瘋子。

there's no point in talking to you.' The awareness - in the raging lover's mind - that,

和你說話沒有任何意義'。意識到--在洶湧澎湃的夫妻心中--那。

as they rant and flail, they are throwing away all possibility of being properly

在他們咆哮和揮舞的時候，他們拋棄了所有正確的可能性。

attended to or understood feeds their ever mounting sense of panic: they become yet more

越來越多的人關注或理解他們，使他們的恐慌感不斷增加：他們變得更加

demented and exaggerated, further undermining their credibility in the discussion. Hearing

痴呆和誇張，進一步削弱了他們在討論中的可信度。聽證會

their condition diagnosed as insane by the calm one serves to reinforce a suspicion that

他們的狀況被冷靜的人診斷為精神錯亂，這就加強了人們對他們的懷疑。

perhaps they really are mad, which in turn weakens their capacity not to be so. They

也許他們真的瘋了，這反過來又削弱了他們不瘋的能力。他們

lose confidence that there might be any reasonable aspect to their distress which could (theoretically)

失去信心，認為他們的苦惱可能有任何合理的方面，（理論上）可以

be explained in a clear way if only they could stop crying.

只要他們能夠停止哭泣，就能得到明確的解釋。

'I'm not going to listen to you any further if you keep making such a fuss,' the calm

如果你繼續這樣大驚小怪，我就不會再聽你說下去了。

partner might go on to say - prompting ever more of precisely this 'fuss'. The frustrated

夥伴可能會繼續說 - 恰恰是這種 "大驚小怪 "的情況越來越多。沮喪的人

one is gradually turned into a case study fit only for clinical psychology or a straight

逐漸變成了只適合臨床心理學的案例研究或直接的

jacket. They are, as we might put it, pathologized, held up as someone who is actually crazy,

外套。正如我們可以說的那樣，他們被病理化了，被當作真正的瘋子來看待。

rather than as an ordinary human who is essentially quite sane but has temporarily lost their

而不是作為一個本質上相當理智但暫時失去理智的普通人。

self-possession on account of an extremely difficult situation.

在極其困難的情況下，自我控制的能力。

On the other side of the equation, the person who remains calm is automatically cast - by

在等式的另一面，保持冷靜的人自動被投--由

their own imperturbable nature and subtle skills at public relations - as decent and

他們自己的平靜的天性和微妙的公共關係技巧--作為正派和

reasonable. But we should bear in mind that it is at least in theory entirely possible

有道理。但我們應該牢記，至少在理論上是完全可能的

to be cruel, dismissive, stubborn, harsh and wrong - and keep one's voice utterly steady.

殘忍、輕蔑、固執、苛刻和錯誤--並保持自己的聲音完全穩定。

Just as one can, equally well, be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent - and have a point.

就像一個人同樣可以是紅鼻子、嗚咽和語無倫次的--而且有道理。

We need to keep in mind a heroically generous attitude: rage and histrionics can be the

我們需要牢記一種英雄般的寬厚態度：憤怒和喧囂可以是

symptoms of a desperation that sets in when a hugely important intimate truth is being

當一個極其重要的私密真相被發現時，絕望的症狀就會出現。

blatantly ignored or denied, without the uncontrolled person being either evil or monstrous.

公然無視或否認，而不受控制的人不是邪惡就是畸形。

Obviously the method of delivery is drastically unhelpful; obviously it would always be better

顯然，交付的方法是急劇的無益的；顯然，它總是更好的

if we didn't start to cry. But it is not beyond understanding or, in theory at least,

如果我們沒有開始哭泣。但這並不是無法理解，或者，至少在理論上。

forgiveness if we were to do so. It's horrible and frightening to witness someone getting

如果我們要這樣做，就會得到寬恕。目睹有人被打，是很可怕的，也是令人恐懼的。

intensely worked up - but with the benefit of perspective, their inner condition calls

激烈的工作--但在透視的好處下，他們的內在條件要求

for deep compassion rather than a lecture. We should remember that only someone who internally

為深刻的同情心，而不是說教。我們應該記住，只有那些在內部

felt their life was in danger would end up in a mess in a discussion.

感到自己的生命受到威脅的人，會在討論中落得個狼狽不堪。

We should keep this in mind because sometimes it will be us who fall into a deranged state;

我們應該牢記這一點，因為有時會是我們自己陷入瘋狂的狀態。

we won't always be the aggrieved, cooler-headed party. We should all have a little film of

我們不會永遠是受委屈、頭腦冷靜的一方。我們都應該有一部小電影的

ourselves at our very worst moments from which we replay brief highlights as we witness the

在我們最糟糕的時刻，我們回放簡短的亮點，因為我們看到了

other frothing and shouting and so remember that while we ourselves looked mad, our contortions

在我們自己看起來很瘋狂的時候，我們還記得我們自己的扭曲。

were only the outer signs of an inner agony at being unable to make ourselves understood

這只是內心痛苦的外在表現，因為我們無法使自己得到理解。

on a crucial point by the person we relied on.

在一個關鍵點上被我們所依賴的人拒絕。

We can stay calm with almost everyone in our lives. If we lose our temper with our partners,

在我們的生活中，我們幾乎可以對所有人保持冷靜。如果我們對我們的夥伴發脾氣。

it is (at best, in part) because we are so invested in them and our joint futures. We

這是（充其量是部分）因為我們對他們和我們的共同未來如此投入。我們

shouldn't invariably hold it against someone that they behave in a stricken way; it isn't

不應該一成不變地認為某人的行為有問題；這不是

(probably) a sign that they are mad or horrible. Rather, as we should have the grace to remember,

可能）是一個標誌，表明他們是瘋狂或可怕的。相反，正如我們應該有風度去記住的那樣。

it is just that they love and depend on us very much.

只是他們非常愛和依賴我們。