Oh, my glasses air a little much.

哦，我的眼鏡有點多。

I hate myself.

我恨我自己。

All right, I'm taking them off.

好吧，我把它們摘下來。

I'm here to tell you about a time.

我是來告訴你一個時間的。

I thought I was having a threesome.

我還以為我在搞3P呢。

It was 2007.

那是2007年。

I was 25 years old and I had a job working at Sears as well.

我當時25歲，在西爾斯百貨也有一份工作。

A stand up comedy.

一部脫口秀。

Ah, lot more money came from Sears.

啊，更多的錢來自西爾斯。

If you're not familiar with Sears, it was a wildly hugely successful department store in the 19 fifties.

如果你對西爾斯不熟悉，那是1950年代一家狂熱成功的百貨公司。

I live with my best friend, Tom Dustin, who is also a comedian, and we were thick as thieves.

我和我最好的朋友湯姆-達斯汀住在一起，他也是個喜劇演員，我們厚道得很。

I was a huge Jimmy Buffett fan at the time.

我當時是吉米-巴菲特的忠實粉絲。

I still am, and I got convinced that it would be fun for Tom and I to travel to Key West Florida.

我現在還是這樣，我相信我和湯姆去佛羅里達州的基韋斯特旅行會很有趣。

Jimmy Buffett had lived there many songs about it, and it just pulled me in.

吉米-巴菲特曾在那裡住過很多關於它的歌，它就這樣把我拉了進去。

I planned the whole thing out.

我計劃了整個事情。

We were gonna fly to Miami, see what South Beach is all about.

我們打算飛到邁阿密，看看南海灘是什麼樣子。

And then we're going to rent a car, drive to Key West and stay there for six days.

然後我們要租一輛車，開車去基韋斯特，在那裡呆六天。

We gathered up all the money we had for me, that was $1000 for Tom.

我們為我湊齊了所有的錢，那是湯姆的1000美元。

That was $500.1500 dollars total.

總共是500.1500元。

The flights and hotels had already been paid for.

機票和酒店都已經付過錢了。

I had no debit card or credit cards, so I put $1000 in a duffel bag.

我沒有借記卡和信用卡，所以我把1000美元放在一個行李袋裡。

Tom put it in his in his pocket.

湯姆把它放在他的口袋裡。

We flew to Miami, got drunk on the plane, of course, and went to go check out South Beach, Florida one of the hippest places in all of America.

我們飛到邁阿密，在飛機上喝得酩酊大醉，當然，我們去看看佛羅里達州的南海灘，全美國最嬉皮的地方之一。

And we're not hip guys.

而我們不是時髦的傢伙。

I had Jean shorts on George black socks, new balance sneakers and wire rimmed glasses and a dirty Red Sox hat.

我穿著喬治黑色襪子的讓短褲，新的平衡運動鞋和鐵絲邊眼鏡，還有一頂髒兮兮的紅襪隊帽子。

That's not a look that gets you laid down there.

這不是一個讓你躺在那裡的表情。

We had some fun day drinking, got blackout Drunk Day turned into night.

我們喝了一天的酒，喝得昏天黑地，醉日變成了夜晚。

And that's when Miami gets really spicy Spanish music dance music.

而這時，邁阿密就會有真正辛辣的西班牙音樂舞曲。

A lot of Latin lovers, you know, sex.

很多拉丁情人，你知道，性。

That's when we really thought Now is our time to make some moves get laid.

那時候我們真的覺得現在是我們行動的時候了... ... .......

It turns out that the ladies in Miami Beach are not interested in hearing about the Boston Red Sox breaking an 86 year curse.

事實證明，邁阿密海灘的女士們對波士頓紅襪隊打破86年詛咒的事不感興趣。

So Tom and I dejected, decided toe, head back to the hotel and call it a night like a miracle.

於是，我和湯姆嘚瑟了一下，決定趾，回酒店，像創造奇蹟一樣的過夜。

Out of the the magic of Miami Beach, three women approached us.

在邁阿密海灘的魔力中，有三個女人向我們走來。

They weren't the most attractive.

他們不是最吸引人的。

In fact, I'd go so far as to say they were unattractive.

事實上，我甚至可以說他們沒有吸引力。

I mean, I'm not exactly a catch myself.

我的意思是，我自己也不是很會抓人。

They were missing teeth.

他們的牙齒都不見了。

They seemed to have dabbled in the drug game at some point, most likely earlier that night.

他們似乎在某個時候涉足過毒品遊戲，很可能是當晚早些時候。

They did not look, uh, well kept.

他們看起來，呃，並沒有保持良好。

But when you're young and drunk and striking out, it doesn't really matter.

但是，當你年輕的時候，喝醉了，出手了，這並不重要。

They walked up to us and said, Hey, boys, do you want a party?

他們向我們走來，說："嘿，孩子們，你們想參加聚會嗎？

Sure.

當然可以

I felt excited.

我覺得很興奮。

I was like, These girls must be into my vibe.

我當時想，這些女孩一定是喜歡我的氛圍。

Maybe jean shorts are a rare down here now.

也許現在牛仔短褲在這裡已經很少見了。

Oftentimes, when you're with the buddy and you're out, you're tryingto get laid.

通常情況下，當你和朋友在一起的時候，你在外面，你是想上床的。

You have to kind of figure out who likes who who's vibing.

你要搞清楚誰喜歡誰，誰的氛圍。

This was not an issue for us.

這對我們來說不是問題。

It was two of us and three of them.

是我們兩個人，他們三個人。

One of them grabbed Tom and they just took off Tom in.

其中一個人抓住湯姆，他們就把湯姆脫了進去。

This lady left for the Public men's room and I was like that a boy, Tom, the other two women.

這位女士離開了公共男廁所，我就像一個男孩，湯姆，其他兩個女人。

They each grabbed me by an arm.

他們各自抓住了我的一隻胳膊。

They said, What do you say we go back to your hotel room?

他們說，你說我們回你的酒店房間怎麼樣？

Two women said to me, Why don't you?

兩個女人對我說，你為什麼不呢？

We go back to your hotel room?

我們回你的酒店房間？

That's never happened to my whole life.

這在我一生中從未發生過。

I've never had women just invite themselves to my hotel room.

我從來沒有女人只是邀請自己到我的酒店房間。

This is exactly what Jimmy Buffett was talking about.

這正是吉米-巴菲特所說的。

Walking up the beach, staggering drunk, with one lady on each arm, inviting you back to your own hotel room.

走在沙灘上，搖搖晃晃的醉醺醺的，兩隻胳膊上各有一位女士，邀請你回自己的酒店房間。

Just like Margaritaville.

就像Margaritaville一樣。

We get back to my hotel, I take him up in the elevator and I'm thinking, Boy, it's three.

我們回到酒店，我帶他上電梯，我在想，孩子，已經三點了。

Sometime the ladies laid me down on the bed.

有一次，女士們把我放在床上。

It was pretty exciting.

這是很刺激的。

Things were getting hot and heavy, and one of the women took out her her bosoms.

事情越來越熱，越來越重，其中一個女人拿出了她的雙峰。

As it were, she pushed them onto my face on my glasses and just started smearing her nipples all over my glasses, really smearing.

就這樣，她把它們推到我眼鏡上的臉上，就開始在我的眼鏡上塗抹她的乳頭，真的是塗抹。

It was quite hard to see through him, the other woman said at the end of the bed and rubbed my Penis over my pants.

蠻難看透他的，另一個女人在床尾說，在我的褲子上摩擦我的Penis。

And I thought, This is a strange threesome, not great.

我想，這真是個奇怪的三人行，不怎麼樣。

I'm sure it will evolve into something mawr, and at one point during that, Tom kicked the door open and he said, I've been robbed.

我相信它會演變成什麼莫爾，期間有一次，湯姆把門踢開，他說，我被搶劫了。

That woman took me into the bathroom and stall all of my money and I replied, Who cares?

那個女人把我帶進了衛生間，把我的錢都攤在了衛生間裡，我回答說：誰在乎？

I'm having a threesome.

我有一個三人組。

Tom and I sat up and said, Good luck with that.

我和湯姆坐起來說，祝你好運。

He left.

他離開了。

Go find his money.

去找他的錢。

I guess I laid back down where I belong.

我想我躺回了屬於我的地方。

The lady smushed her breasts back up against my glasses, and the other lady went back to touching my Penis with one hand.

那位女士把她的乳房砸回我的眼鏡上，另一位女士又用一隻手去摸我的Penis。

I hope that she would remove my pants at some point, but I thought, Why rush it?

我希望她能在某個時刻脫掉我的褲子，但我想，何必著急呢？

We have all night.

我們有一整晚的時間。

Who needs tomorrow?

誰需要明天？

And all of a sudden, something hit them.

突然間，有什麼東西擊中了他們。

They decided they didn't really want to be friends with me anymore.

他們決定不再想和我做朋友了。

The lady sat up, put her breast back in her breast home, and then they said, All right, it was nice to meet you, and they packed up and took off.

女士坐了起來，把乳房放回乳房家，然後他們說，好的，很高興認識你，他們就收拾東西走了。

I just thought, man, maybe it was something I said.

我只是想，夥計，也許是我說了什麼。

Or maybe they didn't like my glasses.

也可能他們不喜歡我的眼鏡。

But who am I to say?

但我又能說什麼呢？

You know, they had a change of heart.

你知道，他們改變了主意。

That happens.

那是發生。

And then I started to think, Oh, man, that sucks.

然後我就開始想，哦，天啊，真糟糕。

That Tom got robbed at the time.

那個湯姆當時被搶了。

I wasn't worried because I thought I was gonna have sex with two different women at the same time.

我並不擔心，因為我以為我會和兩個不同的女人同時發生關係。

I guess I'll have Thio lend him some money.

我想我會讓Thio借給他一些錢。

And then just that moment, I looked down at my big, dumb green duffel bag and the side pocket where I had hidden all of my funny I looked inside, and sure enough, I had $0 to my name.

然後就在那一瞬間，我低頭看了看我的綠色大行李包，還有我藏著我所有有趣的東西的側袋，我看了看裡面，果然，我的名字裡有0元錢。

Yep, they definitely robbed me.

是的，他們肯定搶了我。

Tom came back at that moment and he said, Yeah, they're gone.

湯姆當時就回來了，他說，是的，他們走了。

They're long gone way were in quite a pickle.

他們早就走了，他們的方式是在相當大的困境。

I had to call my mother and tell her that we had a party in my hotel because I don't want to say I was dumb enough to think I was having a threesome and said, I need you to wire us money.

我只好打電話給我媽，告訴她我們在酒店開了個派對，因為我不想說我很笨，以為我在搞3P，就說，我需要你給我們匯錢。

She had none.

她沒有。

So she called my aunt who wired us money.

於是她給我姑姑打電話，姑姑給我們匯了錢。

We ended up going down to Key West, and then we found, if you tell that story to people, they feel bad and give you drink.

我們最後去了基韋斯特，然後我們發現，如果你把這個故事講給別人聽，他們就會覺得不舒服，給你喝。

So that kind of worked out.

所以，那種工作了。

We ended up being heroes down in Key West.

我們最後在基韋斯特成為英雄。

And I got to be part of my own little Jimmy Buffet song.

而我也成為了我自己的小吉米-巴菲特歌曲的一部分。

He hasn't written it yet, but it felt like the kind of tale Jimmy Buffett himself would tell on a Saturday night on the beach.

他還沒有寫出來，但感覺就像吉米-巴菲特本人在星期六晚上在海灘上講的那種故事。

A little, uh, one night I went down to Margaritaville and had all of my money taken from May.

有一天晚上，我去了瑪格麗特酒館，把我所有的錢都從五月拿走了。

Oh, all right.

哦，好吧。