WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎大家來到 "晚間秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

ONE MORE TIME.

再來一次

WELL, FOLKS, IT'S OUR LAST SHOW OF 2020, AND HOPEFULLY IT'S OUR

好了，夥計們，這是我們2020年的最後一場演出，希望這是我們的。

LAST 2020, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-- AND I'M NOT SURE I DO.

最後的2020年，如果你知道我的意思 -- 我不確定我知道。

TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO REVISIT THE YEAR THAT WAS-- AND, BOY,

今晚，我們將重溫當年的... ... 而且，男孩，

WAS IT-- IN A SPECIAL REPORT >> "2020: THE YEAR THAT TOOK

是它 -- 在一個特別報告中 >> "2020年：這一年，採取了。

YEARS.

年。

WHAT A CLUSTER-FOND LOOK BACK."

"多麼美好的回憶啊"

>> Stephen: 2020 BROUGHT US SO MUCH: THE CLUMSIEST COUP IN

>> Stephen: 2020年給我們帶來了這麼多：最笨拙的組合。

HISTORY, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC, COMMERCIALS FROM DOMINOE'S

歷史，全球大恐慌，多米諾的商業活動。

SAYING THEIR PIZZAS WOULD NOW GO RIGHT FROM THE OVEN INTO THE BOX

說他們的比薩餅現在會從爐子裡直接放進盒子裡。

WITHOUT ANYONE TOUCHING IT, WHICH REALLY RAISED A LOT OF

在沒有人碰它的情況下，這真的引起了很多人的注意。

QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THAT ALL WORKED BEFORE.

關於之前如何工作的問題。

2020 WAS SO BAD, THE TOP ARTIST ON SPOTIFY WAS A MAN SCREAMING

2020年是如此糟糕，SPOTIFY上的頂級藝術家是一個男人在尖叫。

INTO A PILLOW.

變成了一個枕頭。

HERE'S A STORY YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN: THE PRESIDENT WAS

你可能已經忘記了一個故事：總統是

HERE'S A STORY YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN: THE PRESIDENT WAS

你可能已經忘記了一個故事：總統是

IMPEACHED.

IMPEACHED。

I'LL RECAP IT IN MY BACK-FOR-A-LIMITED-TIME-ONLY

我會在我的BACK-FOR-A-LIMITED-TIME-LY中送達。

SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

"DON和巨無霸IMPEACH"

>> UH-OH.

>> UH -OH。

>> Stephen: THE SAGA OF THE PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT BEGINS

>> 史蒂芬：總統被劾的傳奇開始了。

WITH... WELL, HOW WOULD YOU PUT IT?

與...那你怎麼說呢？

>> A PERFECT PHONE CALL.

>> 一個完美的電話。

>> Stephen: YES, OUR PRESIDENT WAS TALKING WITH THE

>> 斯蒂芬：是的，我們的主席正在與美國總統交談。

NEWLY-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE, WHO ASKED FOR MILITARY

新當選的烏克蘭總統，他要求提供軍事援助。

ASSISTANCE, AND OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF RESPONDED,

我們的總司令迴應了。

"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH," WORDS THAT WILL

"我希望你能幫我們一個忙，但 "的話，將

GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS BEING JUST FINE, FOR SOME REASON.

由於某種原因，在歷史上被稱為 "好的"。

THERE WAS ONE THING LACKING FROM THE PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT

主席的 "無核化 "行動缺少了一件事。

TRIAL: A TRIAL, BECAUSE THE SENATE VOTED 51-49 NOT TO HEAR

審判。審判，因為參議院以51比49的票數不聽證。

WITNESSES.

證人：

IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO

就像那句老話："如果一棵樹在森林裡倒下，而沒有人知道它的存在。

ONE'S AROUND TO HEAR IT, YOU CAN'T PROVE THE TREE BLACKMAILED

有人聽到了，你不能證明樹被黑客攻擊了

UKRAINE FOR DIRT ON ITS POLITICAL OPPONENT."

英國對我的政治對手做了骯髒的事情。"

I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE COMMITTING TREE-SON.

我的意思是，這將是犯了樹子。

♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> THAT SLAM GOT WOOD!

"GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" >> THAT SLAM GOT WOOD!

>> Stephen: WITHOUT WITNESSES OR EVIDENCE, ON FEBRUARY 5, THE

>> Stephen:在沒有證人或證據的情況下，於2月5日

SENATE ACQUITTED THE PRESIDENT OF THE IMPEACHMENT CHARGES.

參議院撤銷了對總統的指控。

AND WITH THE IMPEACHMENT BEHIND HIM, THE PRESIDENT FINALLY HAD

在受到衝擊的情況下，主席終於有了機會。

TIME TO FOCUS ON IGNORING THE CORONAVIRUS.

時間集中在忽視冠狀病毒。

FOR WEEKS, HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO DISAPPEAR LIKE A MIRACLE.

幾個星期以來，他說它會像奇蹟一樣消失。

TURNS OUT, IT WAS THE ECONOMY, BECAUSE BY MARCH 16, THE WHOLE

原來，這是經濟，因為到了3月16日，整個中國的經濟都在發展。

COUNTRY WAS SHUT DOWN.

國家被關閉了。

I THINK WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE THAT DAY, AND EVERY DAY

我想我們都會記得那一天，還有每一天我們在哪裡。

SINCE.

自：

IN THE FIRST WEEKS OF THE LOCKDOWN, NETFLIX'S "TIGER KING"

鎖定的前幾周，NETFLIX的 "老虎王"。

POUNCED ON AMERICA'S HEARTS LIKE A CLINICALLY DEPRESSED JUNGLE

撲向美國人的心，就像一個臨床抑鬱的叢林一樣。

CAT.

CAT.

IT WAS A GRIPPING DOCUMENTARY SERIES ABOUT HOW JOE EXOTIC AND

這是一個令人抓狂的紀錄片系列，講述了喬-埃克索蒂克和喬-埃克索蒂克的故事。

HIS ARCHNEMESIS, CAROLE BASKIN, SHOULD MAYBE CONSIDER SWITCHING

他的原型，卡羅爾-巴斯金，可能會考慮轉換

TO THE SEARS PORTRAIT STUDIO.

去塞爾斯肖像畫工作室。

NOW, WHILE THE PRESIDENT SHFN USING HIS PLATFORM TO TELL

現在，在主席利用他的平臺，向大家講述了

AMERICANS TO WEAR MASKS HE INSTEAD GAVE THEM SLIGHTLY LESS

美國人戴著面具，他卻給了他們一點點的機會。

EFFECTIVE TIPS LIKE THIS.

像這樣有效的技巧。

>> IS THERE A WAY WE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, LIKE

>> 有沒有一種方法，我們可以做一些類似的，如

INJECTIONED IN, OR ALMOST A CLEANING.

注入，或者說幾乎是一種清洗。

>> Stephen: AH, YES, "DRINK BLEACH" DAY.

>> Stephen:啊，是的，"飲料漂白 "日。

AND IF YOU HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HAPPENED, IT COULD BE BECAUSE

如果你忘記了這一切，那可能是因為...

YOU FOLLOWED HIS ADVICE.

你聽從了他的建議。

IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH COVID, ANOTHER CRISIS ROCKED

在與科維德打交道的過程中，又有一場危機發生了。

AMERICA: EVEN MORE SHOCKING EXAMPLES OF POLICE KILLING

美國：更多令人震驚的警察殺戮實例

INNOCENT AND UNARMED BLACK PEOPLE, INCLUDING GEORGE FLOYD

無辜和手無寸鐵的黑人，包括喬治-弗洛伊德在內

IN MINNEAPOLIS.

在明尼阿波利斯。

THE CELL PHONE VIDEO OF THAT INCIDENT ENRAGED AMERICA AND LED

該事件的手機視頻激怒了美國，並導致了。

TO MARCHES EVERY DAY AND NIGHT ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN BIG

日日夜夜在全國各地遊行，大步流星。

CITIES AND SMALL TOWNS.

城市和小城鎮：

IN FACT, PEOPLE PROTESTED IN EVERY STATE AND IN

事實上，人們在每個州和每個國家都舉行了抗議活動。

WASHINGTON, D.C.

華盛頓特區

IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE AMERICANS IN 2020 COMING

看到2020年美國人的到來，我很受鼓舞。

TOGETHER AND USING THEIR COLLECTIVE VOICE FOR A CAUSE

團結起來，為事業發出集體的聲音。

SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN "I WANT A HAIRCUT."

比 "我想剪頭髮 "更重要一點。

THE DEMONSTRATIONS GREW OVER THE SUMMER AND INCLUDED PEOPLE FROM

示威活動在暑假期間不斷增加，包括來自以下國家的人。

EVERY RACE AND ETHNICITY.

各個種族和民族。

IN FACT, BLACK LIVES MATTER MAY BE THE LARGEST MOVEMENT IN U.S.

事實上，黑人生活問題可能是美國最大的運動。

HISTORY.

歷史：

AND THAT INCLUDES THE VIETNAM PROTESTS, THE MILLION MAN MARCH,

這包括越南的抗議活動，百萬人遊行。

AND THE 1980's SOCIAL MOVEMENT DEMANDING THE LOCATION OF THE

和1980年代要求確定《公約》地點的社會運動。

BEEF.

牛肉：

THE PROTESTS WERE OVERWHELMINGLY PEACEFUL, INCLUDING ONE IN FRONT

示威活動非常和平，包括一次前面的抗議活動。

OF THE WHITE HOUSE ON JUNE 1.

在6月1日的白宮會議上。

THEIR PEACEFULNESS DID NOT STOP THE PRESIDENT FROM USING FEDERAL

他們的和平態度並沒有阻止主席使用聯邦的權力。

TROOPS TO ASSAULT PROTESTERS WITH FLASH-BANG EXPLOSIONS AND

軍隊用閃光彈和爆炸物襲擊抗議者。

TEAR GAS SO HE COULD CROSS THE STREET FOR A PHOTO OP, HOLDING

催淚瓦斯，所以他可以過馬路拍照，拿著。

THE BIBLE AWKWARD LEES.

聖經》中的囧囧李斯。

FOR AS JESUS SAID, "IF SOMEONE STRIKES YOU ON THE RIGHT CHEEK,

因為耶穌說過："如果有人打你的右臉，就會有人打你的右臉。

TURN TO HIM THE OTHER ONE, ALSO.

把另一個人也交給他。

BUT IF SOMEONE COMES BETWEEN YOU AND A PHOTO OP, DADDY GONNA POP

但如果有人擋在你和照片中間，爸爸就會把你的照片拍下來。

OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP ASS!" NO GROUP WAS MORE SUPPORTIVE OF

打開一罐Whoop Ass！"沒有集團更支持

THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT THAN N.B.A. PLAYERS, BUT BECAUSE

黑人生命運動比N.B.A.球員，但因為。

OF COVID, HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR SEASON, THEY ALL WENT INTO THE

科維德，賽季過半，他們都去了科維德。

N.B.A. BUBBLE IN ORLANDO.

N. B. A. BUBBLE IN ORLANDO.

IT WAS EQUAL PARTS FIERCE COMPETITION AND DISNEY

它是平等的部分 FIERCE COMPETITION和迪斯尼的

SLEEPOVER.

SLEEPOVER。

NOW, THIS BUBBLE HAD VERY STRINGENT PROTOCOLS.

現在，這個泡泡有非常嚴格的程序。

PLAYERS WERE ADVISED NOT TO SPIT OR CLEAR THEIR NOSES, WIPE THE

球員們被告知不要吐口水或清理鼻子，不要擦拭身體。

BALL WITH THEIR JERSEYS, LICK THEIR HANDS, OR TOUCH THEIR

與他們的運動衫打球，舔他們的手，或觸摸他們的手。

MOUTHS UNNECESSARILY WHILE PLAYING.

玩的時候嘴裡不由自主地說著。

THAT, OF COURSE, CUT DOWN ON THE TIME-HONORED DEFENSIVE TACTIC OF

當然，這也是削減了時間的榮譽防守策略，即

WET WILLY.

WET WILLY.

BUT ENOUGH BAD NEWS ABOUT THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

但全球大恐慌的壞消息已經夠多了。

THERE WAS ALSO BAD NEWS ABOUT THE WEATHER.

還有一個關於天氣的壞消息。

IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST ACTIVE HURRICANE SEASONS ON RECORD.

這是有記錄以來最活躍的颶風季節之一。

IN FACT, THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER RAN OUT OF ASSIGNED NAMES

事實上，國家颶風中心已經沒有指定的名字了。

IN THE MIDDLE OF SEPTEMBER AND HAD TO RESORT TO USING GREEK

在9月中旬，不得不使用希臘語。

LETTERS.

LETTERS.

THEN THEY STARTED RUNNING OUT OF GREEK LETTERS AND HAD TO RESORT

然後，他們開始跑出希臘字母，並不得不採取

TO HURRICANE WINGDINGS.

到颶風翅膀。

OH, THERE WAS ALSO AN ELECTION.

哦，還有一個選舉。

THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES WERE A CLOWN CAR OF COMPETENCE WITH 28

民主黨的初選是與28個競爭的小丑車。

CANDIDATES.

候選人：

HELLO, HI.

你好，你好。

NICE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN.

很高興再次見到你們。

YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE CANDIDATE NUMBER 29.

你不想成為第29號候選人。

"I'M SORRY, YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE TOP TIER, CONGRESSMAN, BUT YOU

"很抱歉，你沒有進入最高層，議員，但你...

JUST DON'T HAVE THAT HICKENLOOPER SIZZLE."

只是沒有那個HICKENLOOPER大小。"

ULTIMATELY-- $500 MILLION.

超越--5億美金。

IN A TIME OF CRISIS, DEMOCRATS FELL BACK ON THEIR SAFETY

在危機時期，民主黨人倒向了他們的安全。

SCHOOL: OLD WHITE GUY U.

學校：老白叟大學。

GO, STATUS QUOS!

去吧，STATUS QUOS！

BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, BIDEN SPENT MOST OF THE GENERAL

由於大恐慌，比登花了大部分的時間來處理這個問題。

ELECTION ZOOMING FROM HIS BASEMENT.

從他的地下室拍攝的選區。

IT'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FROM A BASEMENT SINCE

這是自以來最成功的一次從地下室發起的廣告活動。

THE PRESIDENCY OF ULYSSES S.

尤利西斯-S.的總統生涯

LAUNDRY BASKET.

洗衣籃：

ALTERNATIVELY, THE PRESIDENT REFUSED TO WEAR A MASK FOR

或者說，主席拒絕戴上面具，因為他是一個很好的人。

MONTHS AND INSISTED ON HOLDING MASS, PLAGUE-SPREADING RALLIES.

幾個月，並堅持舉行大規模的，傳播PLAGUE的集會。

THOUGH, THEY DID RAISE A LOT OF CAMPAIGN CASH WITH THEIR EBOLA

雖然，他們通過他們的EBOLA籌集了大量的競選資金。

MONKEY KISSING BOOTH.

猴子親吻臺。

THE 74-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT TRIED TO MAKE THE RACE AGAINST HIS

這位74歲的總統試圖讓這場比賽成為他的對手。

THEN-77-YEAR-OLD OPPONENT ALL ABOUT MENTAL FITNESS.

當時77歲的對手都是關於心理健康的。

SO, IN AN INTERVIEW ABOUT A RECENT COGNITIVE TEST, HE

所以，在一次關於最近的認知測試的採訪中，他...

UNVEILED THE CATCHPHRASE OF THE YEAR:

揭曉了今年的流行語。

>> THE FIRST QUESTIONS ARE VERY EASY.

>> 第一道題很簡單。

THE LAST QUESTIONS ARE MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.

最後幾道題要難得多。

LIKE A MEMORY QUESTION, IT IS LIKE, YOU WILL GO "PERSON,

像記憶問題，它是喜歡，你會去 "人。

WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV."

女人，男人，攝影機，電視。"

SO, THEY WOULD SAY, "COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?"

所以，他們會說，"你能重複一下嗎？"

SO, I SAID, "YEAH."

所以，我說，"是的。"

IT'S "PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV."

這是 "人，女人，男人，攝影機，電視"

>> Stephen: PRETTY IMPRESSIVE THAT HE REMEMBERED THOSE WORDS

>> Stephen:很令人印象深刻的是，他還記得這些話。

WHEN HE KEEPS FORGETTING HE LOST THE ELECTION.

當他一直忘記自己輸掉了選舉，

THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION WAS DONE ENTIRELY BY

民主黨全國大會完全是由一個人完成的

ZOOM, WHILE THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION WAS WHAT CAN ONLY BE

當共和黨的大會是什麼只能是

DESCRIBED AS THE WORLD'S WORST OPEN MIC.

被描述為世界上最糟糕的開放式麥克風。

WITH REPUBLICAN CELEBRITIES LIKE GUY WHO WANTS TO SELL YOU A

與共和黨名人喜歡的傢伙誰願意賣給你一個。

PILLOW, GUY WHO WANTS TO SNORT THE PILLOW, AND BRIDE OF

枕頭，想吸食枕頭的傢伙，和新娘的。

SNORTENSTEIN.

SNORTENSTEIN.

>> THE BEST, IS YET, TO COME!

>> 最好的，還在後頭!

>> Stephen: WELL, SHE WAS RIGHT.

>> Stephen:嗯，她是對的。

BUT MORE ON THAT LATER.

但更多的在後面。

THEN CAME THE DEBATES.

然後是辯論。

THE PRESIDENT'S STRATEGY WAS TO MAKE SURE THERE WOULD BE NO

主席的策略是確保不會有任何的問題。

DEBATE BY INTERRUPTING EVERYTHING THAT--

辯論通過中斷的一切， -

>> I'M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT BACK FOOTBALL.

>> 我是那個把足球帶回來的人。

>> Stephen: HEY, I WAS STILL TALKING!

>> Stephen: HEY, I WAS STILL TALKING!

JOE, HELP ME OUT HERE.

喬，幫助我在這裡。

>> WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN?

>> 你能不能閉嘴，夥計？

>> Stephen: REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF RONALD REAGAN:

>> Stephen:讓我想起了RONALD REAGAN的不朽名言。

>> MR. GORBACHEV, SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!

>> 戈爾巴喬夫先生，閉上你那骯髒的小嘴！

>> Stephen: THEN, AFTER MONTHS OF CLAIMING THE PANDEMIC WOULD

>> 斯蒂芬：然後，經過幾個月的聲明，PANDEMIC會。

JUST GO AWAY AND REFUSING TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE OR WEAR A

只是去了，並拒絕社交距離或穿戴

MASK, THE THINKABLE HAPPENED: THE PRESIDENT TESTED POSITIVE

蒙面，不可思議的事情發生了。主席的正面測試

FOR CORONAVIRUS.

對於CORONAVIRUS：

WHAT A PLOT TWIST!

多麼曲折的情節！

IT'S LIKE THE END OF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WHEN YOU REALIZED,

就像 "第六感 "的結尾，當你意識到，

"IT STARRED BRUCE WILLIS THE ENTIRE TIME!"

"它一直由布魯斯-威利斯主演！"

( MUSIC STING ) THE PRESIDENT WAS PUT ON A

主席被推上了一個新的臺階。

POWERFUL STEROID CALLED DEXAMETHASONE.

強大的類固醇稱為DEXAMETHASONE。

HOW POWERFUL?

有多強大？

OF A STEROID?

一個冰體的？

LET THIS DOCTOR EXPLAIN: >> WHEN WE PUT PATIENTS ON

讓這位醫生解釋一下: >> 當我們把病人放在... ...

HIGH-DOSE STEROIDS LIKE THAT, WE MONITOR THEM VERY CLOSELY,

像這樣的高劑量類固醇，我們會非常密切地監測它們。

BECAUSE THERE'S A HOST OF SIDE EFFECTS, INCLUDING IMPACT ON

因為有很多的副作用，包括對身體的影響

THEIR MENTAL HEALTH AND DECISION-MAKING.

他們的心理健康和決策。

>> THE DEXAMETHASONE IS KNOWN TO HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH SIDE

>> 已知DEXAMETHASONE有精神健康副作用

EFFECTS.

效果：

IT CAN CAUSE PSYCHOSIS.

它可以導致心理障礙。

IT CAN CAUSE DELIRIUM.

它可能會導致DELIRIUM。

IT CAN CAUSE MANIA.

它可能會引起躁動。

>> Stephen: IT WAS PRETTY SCARY KNOWING THAT THE PERSON WITH THE

>> 史蒂芬：知道這個人和他的朋友們在一起，我覺得很可怕。

NUCLEAR CODES MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM PSYCHOSIS, DELIRIUM, AND

核電代碼可能受到精神分裂症、譫妄症和。

MANIA.

MANIA：

AND THEN THEY GAVE HIM DEXAMETHASONE.

然後他們給他服用了地塞米松。

♪ " GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> SLAMAGEDDON!

"GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" >> SLAMAGEDDON！

>> Stephen: AFTER A FEW DAYS AT WALTER REED, THE PRESIDENT

>> 斯蒂芬：在沃爾特-裡德呆了一天後，主席說："我想知道，你是怎麼做到的。

EMERGED FROM THE HOSPITAL, LANDED ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN,

從醫院出來，落在白宮的草坪上。

CLIMBED THE STEPS, AND HEROICALLY REMOVED HIS MASK.

爬上了臺階，並勇敢地摘下了他的面具。

IT REMINDED ME OF WHEN PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT, CONFRONTED WITH THE

這讓我想起了羅斯福總統在面對美國總統的時候

GROWING MENACE OF FASCISM, ROSE FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR AND GAVE

越來越多的法西斯，從輪椅上站起來，並給了他。

HIS ENTIRE CABINET POLIO.

他的整個內閣政策。

FINALLY, WE MADE IT TO ELECTION DAY.

最後，我們終於到了選舉日。

EARLY IN THE EVENING, TRUMP WON FLORIDA, BUT MANY OF THE OTHER

當天晚上，特朗普贏得了佛羅里達州，但其他許多人都沒有贏。

SWING STATES REMAINED TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

擺渡州仍然是太接近於打電話。

AS THE WEE HOURS CRAWLED ON, THINGS LOOKED INCREASINGLY

隨著時間的流逝，事情看起來越來越多。

BETTER FOR BIDEN.

BETTER FOR BIDEN.

BUT THEN, AT 2:30 A.M., THE PRESIDENT APPEARED BEFORE THE

但隨後，在凌晨2時30分，主席出席了會議。

CAMERAS TO MAKE AN ODD CLAIM.

攝影機提出奇怪的要求。

>> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION.

>> 我們正準備贏得這次選舉。

FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION.

坦率地說，我們確實贏得了這次選舉。

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T JUST DECLARE YOURSELF THE WINNER

>> 史蒂芬：當然，你不能隨便宣佈自己是贏家。

BEFORE THE VOTES HAVE BEEN COUNTED.

在計票之前。

THAT'S WHY THERE AREN'T T-SHIRTS THAT SAY "SAN FRANCISCO 49ers

這就是為什麼沒有寫著 "舊金山49人 "的T-shirt。

2020 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" WITH 2:24 LEFT IN THE THIRD QUARTER.

2020 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" WITH 2:24 LEFT IN THE THIRD QUARTER.

NOW, DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S BEST EFFORTS, WE KEPT COUNTING

現在，儘管總統盡了最大的努力，但我們還是在數錢

THE VOTES, AND THE SATURDAY AFTER THE ELECTION, AT AROUND

投票，以及在選舉後的星期六，在各地

NOON, ALL THE MAJOR NETWORKS CALLED THE RACE FOR BIDEN.

中午時分，所有主要的電視網都宣佈了比登的競選。

AND PEOPLE POURED INTO THE STREETS TO CELEBRATE, FROM TIMES

人們湧入街頭慶祝，從時代的角度來看

SQUARE TO DENVER TO MIAMI TO CROWDS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE

廣場到丹佛到邁阿密到白宮前的人群。

HOUSE.

房子：

♪ Y-M-C-A IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE

Y -M -C -A它的樂趣，停留在該

♪ Y-M-C-A ♪ >> Stephen: WHICH IS A

Y-M-C-A >> Stephen:哪一個是

SURPRISING WAY TO CELEBRATE A BIDEN WIN, BECAUSE HE IS MANY

令人驚訝的方式來慶祝比登的勝利，因為他是許多

THINGS, BUT NOT A-- ♪ YOUNG MAN

事情，但不是一個... ... 年輕人

NO, HE IS 78 ♪ HE'S NOT A YOUNG MAN

不，他78歲了，他不是年輕人了。

BUT STILL HE LOOKS PRETTY GREAT THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY

但他仍然看起來很不錯的主席立即。

REFUSED TO CONCEDE AND STARTED A SLOW-MOTION COUP, AIDED AND

拒絕讓步，並開始了緩慢的行動，協助和支持。

ABETTED BY PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER AND MAN WHO COMES PRE-ZOMBIED,

被總統律師和預先被害的人唆使。

RUDY GIULIANI.

RUDY GIULIANI.

ON THE VERY DAY THE RACE WAS CALLED FOR BIDEN, RUDY HELD AN

就在比賽宣佈開始的那一天，魯迪舉行了一場...

INSANE PRESS CONFERENCE IN PHILADELPHIA AT THE FOUR

瘋狂的記者招待會在費城的四樓舉行。

SEASONS...

季節...

TOTAL LANDSCAPING, WHICH WAS BETWEEN A CREMATORIUM AND AN

墓園和墓地之間的土地景觀總面積。

ADULT VIDEO STORE.

成人視頻商店。

THAT STORE, OF COURSE, WAS THE MARRIOT MARQUIS DE SADE SEX

那家店當然是MARRIOT MARQUIS DE SADE SEX店

SHOP.

鋪。

GIULIANI'S CONSPIRACY-FUELED, PARANOID RANT WOULD GO DOWN AS

GIULIANI的陰謀推動，PARANOID的咆哮會被認為是：

THE MOST EMBARRASSING LEGAL PRESS CONFERENCE IN HISTORY--

歷史上最令人尷尬的法律媒體會議 --

UNTIL TWO WEEKS LATER, WHEN HIS HEAD MELTED.

直到兩個星期後，他的頭融化了。

BUT 2020 WASN'T ALL BAD NEWS.

但2020年並不全是壞消息。

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IT WAS MOSTLY BAD NEWS.

雖然，平心而論，這只是個壞消息。

BUT THEN, IN MID-NOVEMBER, WE LEARNED THAT TWO DIFFERENT

但在11月中旬，我們得知有兩種不同的方法可以讓我們的生活更美好

COMPANIES HAD A CORONAVIRUS VACCINE THAT WAS 95% EFFECTIVE

公司的冠狀病毒疫苗有效率達95%。

IN CLINICAL TRIALS.

在臨床試驗中：

THAT IS HUGE!

這是巨大的！

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

你知道這是什麼意思嗎？

HOLD ON.

堅持住。

IF THERE'S TWO COMPANIES...

如果有兩個公司... ...