Someone's drawing my attention over here.

有人在這裡吸引我的注意力

He's here tonight.

他今晚在這裡。

Thank you for being here, Love.

謝謝你來這裡，愛。

Welcome to a late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特。

Well, the thing that keeps happening is still happening.

嗯，一直髮生的事情還是在發生。

But now, much more so every day the US hits a new terrible milestone in the pandemic and in the president.

但現在，更多的是美國每天都會在流行病和總統身上遇到一個新的可怕的里程碑。

But let's start with the pandemic.

但我們先從疫情說起。

We should all brace ourselves, folks, because the post Thanksgiving coronavirus surge is just starting.

我們都應該振作起來，夥計們，因為感恩節後的冠狀病毒潮才剛剛開始。

No surprise.

毫不奇怪

We all saw the pictures even before the parade.

閱兵前我們就已經看到了照片。

That boss baby was not staying 6 ft away from anyone.

那個老闆的寶貝不離任何人6英尺遠。

But there's hope on the way.

但還有希望在路上。

I'll give you the details in tonight's edition.

我將在今晚的節目中為您詳細介紹。

Off Catch a third wave.

關抓住第三波。

Endless bummer.

無盡的無賴。

My cousin is the Musa next man.

我表哥是穆薩的下一個男人。

Yeah, Get out way right now.

是的，現在就離開這裡

The Pfizer vaccine is being administered in the UK, and we're learning from them.

輝瑞公司的疫苗在英國施用，我們也在向他們學習。

What to expect.

有什麼期待。

Health authorities in the UK say that people with severe allergies should not receive the vaccine.

英國衛生當局表示，有嚴重過敏症的人不應該接受疫苗。

Oh, I hope this means the vaccine is a peanut butter cookie.

哦，我希望這意味著疫苗是花生醬餅乾。

Also in stateside vaccine trials, participants warn of intense symptoms after the second shot, saying I developed a low grade fever and had chills.

同樣在美國本土的疫苗試驗中，參與者警告說，在第二次注射後會出現強烈的症狀，說我出現了低級發燒，並有寒戰。

And I believe we have some footage of that man after his inoculation.

我相信我們有他接種後的一些鏡頭。

I got you them Moto E Hope he's OK.

我給你買了摩托E，希望他沒事。

Do you have any idea of what it looks like now?

你知道它現在是什麼樣子嗎？

Oh, good Lord, I just pray he doesn't develop Saturday Night Fever.

哦，上帝啊，我只是祈禱他不要得週六夜熱病。

Oh, no.

哦，不

Who really needs a vaccine?

誰真的需要疫苗？

Everybody, but especially the cruise ship industry, they're one of the first industries to be completely shut down by coronavirus.

每個人，但尤其是郵輪業，他們是最先被冠狀病毒徹底關閉的行業之一。

But now Royal Caribbean is back.

但現在皇家加勒比又回來了。

They've launched a socially distance, ultra sanitized experience.

他們推出了社交距離、超淨化的體驗。

They're calling the co vid secure cruise.

他們把這叫做 "安全巡航"。

That is great news.

這真是個好消息。

Now the only disease you can get on a cruise is all the other ones.

現在坐郵輪唯一能得的病就是其他的病。

Plus, if there's one thing that's never backfired, is bragging about how safe your giant cruise ship is.

另外，如果說有一件事是永遠不會反悔的，那就是吹噓你的巨型遊輪有多安全。

Just ask the director of marketing for Royal Caribbean.

問問皇家加勒比的市場總監就知道了。

I'm the king of good ideas.

我是好主意之王。

Wow!

哇！

Wow!

哇！

Wow!

哇！

Oh, he's really excited.

哦，他真的很興奮。

I was really excited.

我真的很興奮。

Some of the ship's covert precautions include sailing at half capacity with mandatory masks at all times, mingling, discouraged and no stop.

船上的一些隱蔽性防範措施包括：半載航行，任何時候都必須戴上口罩，混跡其中，不鼓勵，不停留。

So you're on a big ship, but it doesn't dock anywhere, and you can't see anyone perfect vacation have you been cooped up in quarantine for the last nine months and thought, I love my apartment, but I wish it was smaller and gave me motion sickness.

所以，你在一艘大船上，但它不停靠任何地方，你不能看到任何人完美的假期你一直被關在隔離區裡，在過去的九個月裡，你想，我喜歡我的公寓，但我希望它是小一點，讓我暈車。

The cruise set sail this week and everything was going great until passengers woke up to this announcement from the Captain.

郵輪本週起航，一切都很順利，直到乘客們被船長的這則公告驚醒。

For now, this is the information I have to share with you, I guess was feeling well unwell on tested positive for Cove in 19.

目前，這是我要和大家分享的資訊，估計是感覺身體不舒服在19年的時候檢測出了柯維陽性。

0, not so covitz secure.

0，不那麼科維茲安全。

After all, that is the worst announcement you can hear on a cruise ship After the hypnotist will be stopping by your tables in just a moment.

畢竟，這是你在遊輪上能聽到的最糟糕的通告 催眠師馬上就會在你的桌子旁停下。

No one could have seen this one coming except everyone, because just three weeks ago, the first cruise tow launch since the pandemic was forced to return to its home port after passengers tested positive for Cove in 19.

除了所有人，沒有人能夠預料到這一幕，因為就在三週前，自疫情發生以來的第一艘郵輪拖船下水，由於乘客在19日對科夫的檢測呈陽性，被迫返回母港。

But Royal Caribbean went ahead with their crews.

但皇家加勒比卻和他們的船員們一起前進。

Anyway, I guess they were just following the advice of that famous inspirational poster.

總之，我想他們只是聽從了那個著名勵志海報的建議。

If it first you don't succeed, try cramming 2000 people onto a different floating hot zone with unlimited room temperature shrimp.

如果先不成功，就試試把2000人擠到另一個漂浮的熱區，不限室溫蝦。

January 20th cannot come fast enough when America will usher in a glorious new era of basic competence.

1月20日不能再快了，屆時美國將迎來一個基本能力的輝煌新時代。

Yesterday, President elect Joe Biden unveiled more members of his knowing how to do things.

昨天，當選總統喬-拜登公佈了他的更多知情人。

Task force Starting with naming Dr Vivek Murthy as his nominee for surgeon general, he'll be replacing the outgoing surgeon general, a tongue depressor with googly eyes.

專案組 從提名Vivek Murthy博士為外科醫生候選人開始，他將接替即將離任的外科醫生，一個帶著鵝眼的壓舌板。

But Joe did stumble just a little, pronouncing both the title and name of his nominee for health and human services, Javier Becerra, for secretary of health and education.

但喬確實只是有點磕磕絆絆，把他提名的衛生和教育部長哈維爾-貝塞拉的頭銜和名字都念錯了。

That I nominated Javier Bacteria Close.

那我提名哈維爾細菌關。

Damn close.

很接近了

It's Health and Human Services.

是健康與人類服務。

Health and education is the name of the high school class where you teach Javier to wear a condom so he doesn't get bacteria.

健康與教育是高中班級的名字，你教哈維爾戴安全套，這樣他就不會感染細菌。

Biden also nominated former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack to reprise his Obama administration role as U.

拜登還提名愛荷華州前州長湯姆-維爾薩克（Tom Vilsack）重新擔任奧巴馬政府的美國。

S agriculture secretary.

S農業部長。

Now it's been several years since he's had the job.

現在，他已經有幾年沒有工作了。

Hopefully, he still remembers how Corn works Bill stock attack.

希望他還記得玉米如何運作比爾股票攻擊。

Biden also set the bar for best name in his administration by nominating Ohio representative Marcia Fudge as his housing and Urban development secretary.

拜登還提名俄亥俄州代表瑪西婭-福吉（Marcia Fudge）為他的住房和城市發展部長，為他的政府設定了最佳名稱的標準。

Fudge that is wonderful, though she has been dogged by allegations that she was steering valuable government catering contracts to her nephew e L.

福吉那是美好的，儘管她一直被指控為她將寶貴的政府餐飲合同引導給她的侄子e L。

And it also looks like Biden might do a solid for his former primary opponent and man who set the Photoshop filter to all people.

而且看起來拜登也可能為他的前初選對手和為所有人設置Photoshop濾鏡的人做一個堅實的。

Buddha Judge because apparently old booty boots is being lined up his Biden's U S.

佛祖法官因為顯然舊的戰靴正在排隊他拜登的美國。

Ambassador to China.

駐中國大使。

Wait a minute.

等一下

Wait a minute.

等一下

Pete Buddha Jed speaks eight languages English, Norwegian, Spanish, French, Italian, Maltese, Arabic and Dari but not Mandarin.

皮特-佛祖傑德會說八種語言：英語、挪威語、西班牙語、法語、意大利語、馬耳他語、阿拉伯語和達里語，但不會說國語。

You're sending him to the only place on the planet where he doesn't speak the language.

你要把他送到這個星球上唯一一個不講語言的地方。

That's not an ambassadorship.

這不是大使的身份。

That's the plot of Emily in Paris.

這就是《艾米麗在巴黎》的情節。

Despite Biden's appointments, our current president continues to deny reality.

儘管有拜登的任命，但我們的現任總統仍然否認現實。

I'll give you the latest in the lame nous of his sameness in tonight's screw screw Screw your vote.

我給你講講他在今晚的螺絲釘螺絲釘你的投票中的最新蹩腳的相同性。

Ignorant, coveted 19 Andi therapy therapy, Therapy therapy You all are but a dream.

無知，貪圖19安迪療法療法，療法療法你們都是，只是一個夢。

A road from the White House.

白宮的一條路。

The president's legal losing streak continues.

總統在法律上的連敗還在繼續。

Yesterday, the Nevada Supreme Court rejected his campaign's appeal to overturn Biden's win, and the Supreme Court rejected Pennsylvania Republicans attempt to block Biden's victory.

昨天，內華達州最高法院駁回了他的競選活動上訴，推翻了拜登的勝利，最高法院也駁回了賓夕法尼亞州共和黨人阻止拜登勝利的企圖。

This president hasn't faced this much rejection since every single time he has tried toe hold Melania's, and so he's getting more desperate this afternoon in an attempt to prove something the president tweeted at 10 p.m. On election evening, we were at 97% win with the so called bookies.

自從每次他試圖趾高氣揚梅拉尼婭的以來，這位總統還沒有面臨如此多的拒絕，所以他今天下午變得更加絕望，試圖證明總統在晚上10點發推特的東西.在選舉晚上，我們在所謂的博彩公司的97％的勝利。

First of all, that's not true.

首先，這不是真的。

Second of all, shut up.

第二，閉嘴。

Third.

第三：

It wouldn't matter if the bookies had given you odds at 10 PM Bookies don't decide who's president.

如果博彩公司在晚上10點給你開出了賠率，那就無所謂了 博彩公司不能決定誰是總統。

It's the Electoral College, not the electoral cockfight.

是選舉團，不是選舉人鬥雞。

Here's something White House aides are now speculating.

這是白宮助手們現在的猜測。

The president is planning to give out mass pardons.

總統正計劃進行大規模赦免。

Not really the behavior expect to see from someone who's gonna be around for another four years.

這不是一個人的行為，希望看到 誰是要去周圍的另一個四年。

If your 90 year old grandpa starts taking a trip to Italy, skydives and has a threesome, he's not crossing items off his live forever list.

如果你90歲的爺爺開始去意大利旅行，跳傘，玩3P，他就不會從他的生活清單上劃掉項目。

I don't know who's having a threesome with a 90 year old were good for you, Grandpa reportedly reportedly.

不知道是誰和90歲的老人搞3P都對你有好處，據說爺爺據說。

The president wants to hand out pardons even to people not asking for them.

總統想對不要求赦免的人也給予赦免。

When you're a lame duck, they let you do it.

當你是一隻跛腳鴨時，他們讓你這樣做。

According to 18 he's threatened to pardon every person who ever talked to me, including notorious crime boss Jimmy the grimace.

據18號報道，他威脅要赦免所有和我談過話的人，包括臭名昭著的犯罪頭目吉米的臉。

But the offers haven't always been welcome.

但這些提議並不總是受到歡迎。

You see one potential pardon.

你看一個潛在的赦免。

He explained that the offer felt awkward because the advisor didn't believe they had committed any crimes.

他解釋說，這個提議感覺很尷尬，因為顧問不相信他們犯了什麼罪。

Oh, they don't believe they've committed any crimes.

哦，他們不相信他們已經犯下了任何罪行。

But just wait till the president's memoir.

但只要等到總統的回憶錄。

It was all Greg's idea, the fact that you accepted apart and just makes you look guilty.

這都是格雷格的主意，你接受了分開的事實，只是讓你看起來很內疚。

One person who was threatened with clemency said they believed being on the list could hurt their public persona.

一位受到寬大處理威脅的人說，他們認為被列入名單可能會損害他們的公眾形象。

Oh, don't worry.

哦，別擔心。

If you work for this administration, you're gonna wanna keep your persona hidden from the public.

如果你為這屆政府工作，你就得把你的身份隱藏起來，不讓公眾知道。

But the news isn't all pandemics and politics.

但新聞並不全是流行病和政治。

There's some fun news because yesterday, just a few blocks from where I sit, a humpback whale was spotted in the Hudson River.

有一些有趣的消息，因為昨天，就在離我坐的地方几個街區的地方，在哈德遜河發現了一頭座頭鯨。

No one knows exactly why the whale came to the Big Apple, but Marine scientists speculate that the most plausible reason is that he wants to be on Broadway.

沒有人知道鯨魚到底為什麼來到大蘋果，但海洋科學家推測，最合理的原因是它想上百老匯。

We have cell phone footage of the whale in the Hudson.

我們有哈德遜河鯨魚的手機錄像。

Mobs obviously gonna have to update their threats.

顯然，暴徒們必須更新他們的威脅。

Now what the hell is this?

現在這到底是什麼？

That's the city of message.

這就是消息之城。

That means the local process for Alex with the humpbacks.

這意味著亞歷克斯與駝鳥的在地進程。

The whale even paid a visit to the statue of liberty.

鯨魚還參觀了自由女神像。

Isn't that beautiful?

是不是很美？

I didn't stop there.

我並沒有就此罷休。

Hit all the tourist spots.

打遍所有旅遊景點。

Three Empire State Building went on a carriage ride in Central Park.

三座帝國大廈去中央公園坐馬車。

Even visited a couple of old pals.

甚至還拜訪了幾個老夥伴。

Speaking of unlikely visitors, aliens are evidently really because according to the former Israeli space Security chief, extraterrestrials exist and they are already here.

說到不速之客，外星人顯然是真的，因為根據以色列前太空安全局局長的說法，外星人是存在的，而且他們已經在這裡了。

That's amazing.

太神奇了

In fact, we have footage of Israeli scientists making contact.

事實上，我們有以色列科學家接觸的鏡頭。

Um, uh huh.

嗯，嗯哼。

We've got a great show for you tonight.

我們今晚為你準備了一場精彩的演出。