Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"!

This is it! [ Cheers and applause ]

這是它！[歡呼聲和掌聲]

You're here. You made it. Thank you so much.

你來了你來了。太謝謝你了

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, it was a really exciting day for the country,

好了，夥計們，今天對國家來說是非常激動人心的一天。

as we finally received what we've been waiting for

因為我們終於收到了我們期待已久的東西。

for nine months.

9個月。

-A historic Monday as the first doses of the coronavirus vaccine

-歷史性的星期一，冠狀病毒疫苗的第一劑。

are being administered to healthcare workers

正在對保健人員進行管理

across this country.

全國各地。

-The very first dose of Pfizer's vaccine

-第一劑輝瑞公司的疫苗。

was administered to a nurse working in Queens.

是對在皇后區工作的一名護士進行的。

-Yep. The first COVID vaccine in the U.S. has been given.

-是的美國的第一支COVID疫苗已經注射完畢。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

It was a little less exciting when the nurse was handed a bill

遞給護士一張單據的時候，就有點不那麼興奮了。

for 50 grand, but still it was, overall...

五萬塊錢，但總體來說還是... ...

What a moment for the country.

對國家來說，這是多麼重要的時刻。

Right now, enthusiasm for the vaccine

現在，人們對疫苗的熱情高漲

is somewhere between the new PS5 and the McRib.

是介於新PS5和麥瑞博之間。

It's that exciting. [ Laughter ]

它是令人興奮的。[笑聲]

That's right, people all across America are lining up for shots.

沒錯，全美國的人都在排隊打針。

Normally when that happens here in December,

通常12月這裡發生這種情況時。

we call it SantaCon.

我們叫它SantaCon。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I read that the vaccine needs to be stored

我讀到疫苗需要保存

at ultra-cold temperatures, around negative-100 degrees.

在超低溫下，負100度左右。

In response, UPS workers looked at their shorts and said,

對此，UPS工作人員看了看自己的短褲說。

"Yeah, this seems like more of a FedEx thing."

"是啊，這似乎更像是聯邦快遞的事情。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But today was really special.

但今天真的很特別。

Usually if I want to see people on TV who've gotten injections,

通常，如果我想看到的人 在電視上誰已經得到了注射。

I have to watch Bravo.

我必須看Bravo。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, everybody is excited about the vaccine.

沒錯，大家對疫苗都很興奮。

Just take a look at the Colorado governor,

看看科羅拉多州長就知道了。

Jared Polis, waiting for his state's first shipment.

賈裡德-波利斯，正在等待他的州的第一批貨物。

-Any minute now, we're gonna hear a doorbell.

-隨時都會有門鈴聲響起

Is that -- That's not a doorbell.

那是... ... 那不是門鈴。

That's a knock, but okay.

這是一個敲，但還好。

And then we're going to, of course, let the vaccine in.

然後我們當然會讓疫苗進入。

[ Bell rings ] Oh! There we go!

哦，我們走吧！

[ Door motor whirring ]

[門馬達呼呼聲]

This is the Pfizer vaccine, arriving here in Colorado.

這是輝瑞公司的疫苗，正運往科羅拉多州。

To end the pandemic.

為了結束這種流行病。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Cymbal crash ]

[鈸的崩潰]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-It got awkward when the delivery guy was like,

-當送外賣的人說："我覺得很尷尬

"Hemorrhoid cream for Governor Polis?"

"痔瘡膏給波利斯州長？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Did you guys hear about this?

你們聽說了嗎？

Yesterday, it came out that White House staffers

昨日，有消息稱，白宮工作人員

would get the vaccine early.

會提前接種疫苗。

But then Trump backtracked and tweeted that they wouldn't.

但後來特朗普又反悔了，在推特上說他們不會。

Come on, just give it to them. What's the difference?

來吧，就給他們。有什麼區別？

There's only three people left

現在只剩下三個人了

working in the White House anyway.

反正在白宮工作。

[ Laughter ] Yeah, Trump said his people

[笑]是啊，特朗普說，他的人。

don't need any special treatment.

不需要任何特殊待遇。

Then he went back to pardoning all of them.

然後他又去赦免了所有的人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some more news from Washington.

還有一些來自華盛頓的消息。

Government officials say that Russians managed to hack

政府官員說，俄羅斯人成功地黑了進來

Homeland Security, along with the U.S. Treasury

國土安全局，以及美國財政部。

and Commerce departments.

和商務部門。

Americans heard that and they were like, "That's all?

美國人聽到這句話，他們就會說："就這樣？

Must've been Russia's Bring Your Child to Work Day."

一定是俄羅斯的帶孩子上班日。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I think Russia has hacked just about everything there is.

我認為俄羅斯已經黑了所有的東西。

I mean, what's next?

我是說，下一步是什麼？

"We now access information from Blockbuster Video database."

"我們現在從Blockbuster Video數據庫中獲取信息。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Why you rent 'Lethal Weapon' six times in 1998?"

"1998年你為什麼要租六次《致命武器》？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, they hacked Homeland Security.

是的，他們黑進了國土安全局

That's not a great sign

這可不是什麼好兆頭

that our Homeland Security needs a Homeland Security.

我們的國土安全局需要一個國土安全局。

How did they hack Homeland Security?

他們是怎麼黑進國土安全局的？

That's like ADT calling you and being like,

這就像ADT打電話給你，是像。

"Someone broke in! Help!" [ Laughter ]

"有人闖入！有人闖入！ 救命！"[笑聲]

Don't worry, though. Today Trump appointed a new head

不過，別擔心。今天特朗普任命了一個新的負責人

of Homeland Security -- Macaulay Culkin.

國土安全部 -- Macaulay Culkin.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, here's a big election story.

嘿，這裡有一個大的選舉故事。

Today, members of the Electoral College

今天，選舉團成員

officially cast their votes for president.

正式投票選舉總統。

Yeah, super exciting, if you happened to miss

是啊，超級刺激，如果你碰巧錯過了。

the 75 other times Trump's lost the election.

其他75次特朗普輸掉選舉。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Changing gears here, I heard about another sports team

換個話題，我聽說了另一個運動隊的事。

that's decided to change its name.

決定改名的。

Watch this.

看這個。

-A major turning point for Cleveland's

-克利夫蘭的一個重要轉捩點。

Major League baseball team.

大聯盟棒球隊。

The franchise is expected to drop "Indians,"

專營店有望放棄 "印第安人"，。

a nickname it's had since 1915.

自1915年起就有了這個綽號。

-Yeah. But this is weird.

-是的，但這很奇怪但這很奇怪

They're now going to be called the Cleveland Football Team.

他們現在要被稱為克利夫蘭足球隊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know, when it comes to baseball team names,

你知道，當涉及到棒球隊名時，

just play it safe and name yourself after a bird

穩打穩紮，以鳥取名

or a sock color.

或襪子顏色。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

No? Okay. [ Laughter ]

沒有嗎？沒有？[笑聲]

Collectively, yeah. Thank you.

集體來說，是的。謝謝你。

Red sock, blue sock, blue bird? Yeah.

紅襪子，藍襪子，藍鳥？是的 Yeah.

Yeah, the team said they just wanted to wait

是啊，團隊說他們只是想等待

for the right time, which, for them,

為合適的時機，這，對他們來說。

was about five months after everyone else did it.

是在別人做了五個月之後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, Christmas is next week,

好了，夥計們，聖誕節是下週。

and out in California, I heard that two undercover cops

而在加州，我聽說有兩個臥底警察

have been dressing up as Santa and his elf

紛紛裝扮成聖誕老人和他的小精靈。

to help catch shoplifters.

以幫助抓捕商店偷竊者。

Yeah, nothing says Christmas spirit

是啊，沒有什麼能比得上聖誕精神

like watching Santa Tase a shoplifter.

就像看聖誕老人打劫商店的小偷。

You know one cop was like, "Why can't you be the elf?"

你知道有一個警察說："你為什麼不能當精靈？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"All right." [ Laughter ]

"好吧。"[笑聲]

"I think we're about the same height, same build."

"我想我們的身高差不多，身材一樣。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I'm the elf? Okay."

"我是小精靈？好吧。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"There's not assigned positions. You know, we could always..."

"沒有指定的位置。你知道，我們可以一直... ..."

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Oh, yeah. I understand.

"哦，是的，我明白。我明白了。

You're Santa, though. All right.

你是聖誕老人，雖然。好吧，好吧

You're Santa, and I'm the elf. Okay."

你是聖誕老人，我是小精靈。好吧"

A Santa and an elf fighting crime.

一個聖誕老人和一個小精靈在打擊犯罪。

Come on. How is that not a movie

來吧。這怎麼不是一部電影

starring The Rock and Kevin Hart?

主演洛克和凱文-哈特？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Of course, Kevin would be Santa, and The Rock would be the elf.

當然，凱文會是聖誕老人，而洛克會是小精靈。

Whatever. [ Laughter ]

不管。[笑聲]

And finally, the other day, in Ukraine,

最後，前幾天，在烏克蘭。

it got pretty icy outside, and one woman

外面很冷，有一個女人

had a lot of trouble on the sidewalk.

在人行道上遇到了很多麻煩。

Watch this.

看這個。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

No, look at the --

不，看看...

No! [ Laughter ]

不！[笑聲]

Oh, my --

哦，我們...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Cymbals crash ] Yo.

[鈸的崩潰] 喲。

That's basically what it looks like

基本上就是這個樣子

when Trump's lawyers go to court.

當特朗普的律師上法庭時。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

In Ukraine, that's called the treadmill.

在烏克蘭，這叫跑步機。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Don't worry. The woman is fine,

你放心吧這個女人很好。

and she hopes to be home by April.

她希望能在4月前回家。

Guys, a quick reminder.

夥計們，提醒一下。

I have this new children's book out,

我有這本新出的童書。

called "5 More Sleeps 'til Christmas."

叫做 "聖誕前再睡5個小時"。

Hold your applause to the e--

把你們的掌聲留給...

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

[歡呼聲和掌聲] ?

Hold the drums, hold all the noise

握住鼓聲，握住所有的噪音

until you really need to get it out, you know?

直到你真的需要把它拿出來，你知道嗎？

But anyway, it's no big deal.

但無論如何，這不是什麼大不了的事。

It's currently the number-one... [ Laughter ]

這是目前的頭號... ...[笑聲]

..."New York Times" best-seller. No big deal.

...《紐約時報》的暢銷書。沒什麼大不了的

Anyways, we're doing a very cool thing with Target

總之，我們正在和Target做一件很酷的事。

and FAO Schwarz this week.

和糧農組織施瓦茨本週。

So if you buy the book at Target or target.com

所以，如果你在Target或target.com購買這本書。

now through Wednesday.

現在到週三。

So today, tomorrow, and Wednesday?

那麼今天、明天、週三？

FAO Schwarz will donate a toy

糧農組織施瓦茨將捐贈一個玩具

to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

到聖裘德兒童研究醫院。

So you get a book at Target, you get a toy for a kid.

所以你在Target買了一本書，就能給孩子買個玩具。

I appreciate those guys doing that.

我很感謝那些人這樣做。

Guys, we have exactly five shows left

夥計們，我們還有五場演出

before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time for that

在我們去聖誕假期之前，這意味著它的時間為，

beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

心愛的 "今夜秀 "傳統。

It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters"!

又到了 "12天聖誕毛衣 "的時間了!

-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪

-12天的聖誕毛衣

♪ 5 days left ♪

5天離開

-That is right. Every show between now

-沒錯從現在開始的每一場演出

and Christmas, we'll be giving one lucky audience member

和聖誕節，我們將給一位幸運的觀眾。

a ravishing Christmas sweater

豔麗的聖誕毛衣

from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

從聖誕倒計時內閣。

That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]

這是正確的。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Now, since there are five shows left,

現在，既然還有五場演出。

let's open door number 5.

讓我們打開5號。

I see that's a big door right there.

我看那是一扇大門，就在那裡。

Yes, that's the one.

是的，就是這個。

Whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

哇哦，哇哦，等等，哇哦，哇哦，哇哦，哇哦，哇哦!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Holy moly.

我的天啊

That is something else.

那是另一回事。

That is -- That is subtle, I guess.

這是... ... 這是微妙的，我想。

No, it's the opposite of subtle.

不，這是微妙的反面。

Wow. That is a --

哇，那是一個...這是一個 -

That is an upchuck of Christmas is what it is.

這就是聖誕節的一個上檔次是什麼。

[ Laughter ] That's what the label says.

[笑]這就是標籤上說的。

Let's see who is going home with tonight's sweater.

讓我們看看今晚的毛衣誰會回家。

Everyone, look at your seat number.

大家看一下自己的座位號。

If I call your number, come on down.

如果我打你的電話，下來吧。

Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

任務，我可以得到一個鼓聲，好嗎？

[ Drumroll ]

[鼓聲]

2-2-6!

2-2-6!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Hey, come on down!

嘿，下來吧！

♪♪

♪♪

Hello! Hello!

你好！

Nice to meet you.

很高興見到你。

What is your name, and where are you from?

你叫什麼名字，來自哪裡？

-Hi! I'm Masha, and I'm from Providence, Rhode Island.

-我是Masha，來自羅德島的普羅維登斯。

-Hey, Providence, Rhode Island! That's what I'm talking about.

-嘿，羅德島的普羅維登斯！這就是我所說的。

Do you have anything like this?

你有這樣的東西嗎？

-I do not. This is amazing.

-我不知道我不知道。 這是驚人的。

-Yeah. -Can I --

-是的-我可以...

-It looks like you are trying it on.

-看來你是在試穿了.

This is unbelievable. You have to.

這是令人難以置信的。你必須這樣做。

-Oh, my gosh. -Yeah. It's so exciting.

-哦，我的天啊 是啊，太刺激了。

Look at this. [ Cheers and applause ]

看看這個。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Are you kidding? Are you joking me?

你在開玩笑嗎？你在跟我開玩笑嗎？

You look gorgeous.

你看起來美極了

All right, super model.

好吧，超級模特。

Thank you so much. Congrats again.

太謝謝你了。再次祝賀你。

Let's give our audience member a --

讓我們給我們的聽眾一個...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

We'll be right back with Gal Gadot, everybody.

我們馬上回來和高爾-加朵見面，各位。

Come on back. That was great!

回來吧這真是太棒了！

You look fantastic.

你看起來棒極了

♪♪

♪♪