She draws enormous crowds, both online and in person, and is a good friend of the school of life.

她吸引了巨大的人群，無論是在網上還是在人前，都是生活中的好朋友。

She recently came to talk at our branch in London, and she'll be back again in December.

她最近來我們倫敦的分公司演講，12月她還會再來。

Parole recognizes the distinctive moment we're at in history, where we now get into relationships not primarily for status, security or Children, but in order to be happy, an enormous challenge for which we need a little bit of help.

假釋認識到我們在歷史上的獨特時刻，我們現在進入關係，主要不是為了地位、安全或孩子，而是為了幸福，這是一個巨大的挑戰，我們需要一點點的幫助。

So welcome to my office.

所以歡迎來到我的辦公室。

You have just entered the space of a couples therapist.

你剛剛進入了一個夫妻治療師的空間。

And you know, there wasn't too long ago that there was very little couples therapy.

而且你知道，不久前還很少有夫妻治療。

But couples therapy became really important.

但夫妻治療變得非常重要。

Once a very important shift took place, which is that this is the first time that the survival of the family depends basically on the happiness of the couple.

曾經發生了一個非常重要的轉變，那就是這是第一次，家庭的生存基本取決於夫妻的幸福。

That's why we do couples therapy to help people experience a different quality of connections between them.

這就是為什麼我們做夫妻治療，幫助人們體驗他們之間不同品質的聯繫。

We are literally making the playbook as we go, and instead of having rules what we have today's conversations, everything is a freaking negotiations everything is negotiating.

我們簡直是邊走邊制定劇本，而不是有規則的什麼我們今天的對話，一切都是一個畸形的談判一切都在談判。

Who's gonna wake up to feed the baby and whose career actually matters and who's gonna plan for the next date?

誰會起床喂孩子，誰的事業真正重要，誰會計劃下一次約會？

And am I happy?

那我高興嗎？

And am I happy enough?

那我夠幸福嗎？

And should I do this, or should I do that?

那我應該這樣做，還是應該那樣做？

Should I did this person?

我應該做這個人嗎？

Should I date only one person may be a few.

我應該只和一個人約會可能是幾個人。

What gender should they be?

他們應該是什麼性別？

You know, it's an enormous amount of things.

你知道，這是一個巨大的數量的東西。

I'm just, you know, you used to choose between two people in the village.

我只是，你知道，你曾經在村子裡的兩個人之間選擇。

John and James.

約翰和詹姆斯。

That was it.

就是這樣。

Mary and Rebecca.

瑪麗和麗貝卡

You know that?

你知道嗎？

Was that this this new thing here, you know, you know, this is phenomenal.

是這個這個新的東西在這裡，你知道，你知道，這是驚人的。

I mean, I have options like I've never had, but how am I going to combine market economy, commodification of people and romantic consumerism?

我的意思是，我有從未有過的選擇，但我如何把市場經濟、人的商品化和浪漫的消費主義結合起來？

It's partly because our expectations are so high that we suffer so much in love.

部分原因是我們對自己的期望值太高，所以在愛情中才會如此痛苦。

We feel entitled.

我們覺得自己有權。

And when we are resentful and when we get upset in our relationships is because we are grappling with our sense of entitlement.

而當我們在人際關係中不滿，當我們在人際關係中不爽的時候，就是因為我們在努力解決自己的權利感問題。

I was promised this thing.

我被許諾了這個東西。

You owe me this thing.

你欠我這個東西。

You told me that you would make me happy.

你告訴我，你會讓我幸福。

That was the story of romantic love.

這就是浪漫愛情的故事。

A lot of our unhappiness in love has come to focus on sex duty.

我們在愛情中的很多不快樂，都集中在性責任上。

Was the organizing principle of sexuality in committed relationship, not desire.

是承諾關係中的性的組織原則，而不是慾望。

But we made an enormous change around that, you know, primarily due to the demo.

但我們圍繞著這一點做了巨大的改變，你知道，主要是由於演示。

Thanks to the Democrat ization of contraception, we could shift duty to desire.

多虧了避孕的民主黨化，我們可以把責任轉移到慾望上。

We could for the first time, separate sex from reproduction.

我們可以第一次把性和生殖分開。

Everybody talks about communication, but we have to talk about things that we've never had to talk about, and it's often difficult to talk about them with the person that we are closest to.

每個人都在談溝通，但是我們要談的事情，從來沒有談過，往往很難和最親近的人談。

I don't have to tell you, surprisingly, that many people find it much easier to talk about sex with anybody but the person they're having sex with, part of what kills relationships according to parole, is the feeling that you own your partner.

我不必告訴你，令人驚訝的是，許多人發現它更容易與任何人談論性，但他們正在與他們發生性關係的人，根據假釋，殺死關係的部分原因是你擁有你的伴侶的感覺。

Desire is also rooted in absence and in longing.

慾望的根源也在於缺失和渴望。

The essential question of desire is, Can we want what we already have?

慾望的本質問題是，我們能不能要我們已經擁有的東西？

And I think the couples who have an erotic spark are couples who never live under the illusion that they have each other.

而我認為，有情趣火花的夫妻，都是從來沒有生活在彼此幻想中的夫妻。

They don't think their partner belongs to them, and they think they're partner is at best on loan, with an option to renew.

他們不認為自己的伴侶是屬於自己的，他們認為自己的伴侶頂多是借來的，還可以選擇續約。

That's they can tolerate that truth because you can always lose your partner.

那就是他們可以容忍這個事實，因為你總能失去你的夥伴。

But you can create mechanisms to deny the truth because it's really anxiety producing.

但你可以創造機制來否認真相，因為這真的會產生焦慮。

But that moment of anxiety that little bit of anxiety is actually where desire resides because it makes you keep wanting because you don't really feel that you have.

但是，那一刻的焦慮那一點點的焦慮，其實就是慾望的所在，因為它讓你不斷的想要，因為你並沒有真正的感覺到你有。

We asked peril why people have affairs.

我們問過危險，為什麼人們會有外遇。

What really interested me is the fact that actually affairs do happen in good relationships to in satisfying relationships.

真正讓我感興趣的是，其實外遇確實發生在良好的關係中，到滿意的關係中。

That is much more interesting.

這就有趣多了。

Why do people still doing?

為什麼人們還在做？

And the majority of people that therapists anyway work with are not chronic philanderers.

而無論如何治療師工作的大多數人都不是長期花心的人。

They are often people who have been faithful for decades and then one day across the line that they themselves never thought they would cross.

他們往往是忠心耿耿幾十年的人，卻在某一天跨過了他們自己都不曾想過的界限。

So then you ask for a glimmer of what?

那你再問一絲什麼？

Why would people risk losing everything they have billed for what, and that's when this thing about desire and the power of the erotic becomes so powerful and the best way I understood it, that one word all over the world that people kept telling me when they would interview those who had affairs, I feel alive and what it meant.

人們為什麼要冒著失去一切的風險去計費什麼，這時候關於慾望和情慾的力量這個東西就變得很強大，也是我理解的最好的方式，全世界的人在採訪那些有外遇的人的時候，都會不斷地告訴我這一個詞，我覺得自己還活著，這意味著什麼。

Waas.

模糊。

That there was a sense of deadness that had crept up inside of them, not the responsibility of the other person, not even the responsibility of marriage, just often in a way that they had allowed themselves to disappear.

那是一種死氣沉沉的感覺，在他們的內心深處悄然而生，不是對方的責任，甚至不是婚姻的責任，只是常常以一種讓自己消失的方式。

And they began to say to me this very unusual sentence.

他們開始對我說這句很不尋常的話。

It's not that I wanted to leave my partner.

不是我想離開我的伴侶。

It's what I wanted to leave who I had become.

這是我想留下我已經成為的人。

Por El wants us to be open minded about the sort of relationship that might work for us.

波爾艾爾希望我們對那種可能適合我們的關係持開放態度。

What we need is emotional connection, but that might mean all kinds of arrangements.

我們需要的是情感上的聯繫，但這可能意味著各種安排。

Sexually.

性方面。

Do we want connection?

我們要不要聯繫？

Yes, we want connection.

是的，我們想要連接。

There is something about us that doesn't leave well alone.

我們有一些東西，不離不棄。

And how these connections will manifest is up for, you know, for some of us, it will take the model of the traditional relationship long term, one person, the whole thing, and for others of it's going to be a serial monogamy.

而這些聯繫將如何體現是由，你知道，對我們中的一些人來說，它將採取傳統關係的模式長期，一個人，整個事情，而對其他人的它將是一個串行的一夫一妻制。

And for others, it's going to be a consensual non monogamy or polyamory.

而對於其他的人來說，則會是自願的非一夫一妻制或多妻制。

The most important thing is that if there isn't a one size fits all.

最重要的是，如果沒有一刀切。

And at this point there is one model, and if you don't succeed at it, you divorce.

而此時只有一種模式，如果你不成功，你就離婚。

And divorce is not for the disillusion.

而離婚不是為了幻滅。

Divorce is for the true idealists because they believe in the model.

離婚是給真正的理想主義者的，因為他們相信模式。

Just just think that they chose the wrong person and they'll do better next time by choosing a better person, Not by, you know, So check if the model works for you.

只是覺得自己選錯了人，下次會做得更好，選擇一個更好的人，Not by，你知道的，所以檢查一下這個模式是否適合你。

It's like innovation has entered every space except for marriage, you know, disrupted a little bit.

就像創新已經進入了除了婚姻之外的每一個空間，你知道，打亂了一點。

As they say.

正如他們所說

What we need above all is to expand the sort of conversations we're having around sex.

我們首先需要的是擴大我們圍繞性的那種對話。

Sex is not something you do.

性不是你做的事情。

It's a place you go and then you ask yourself, Where do you go?

就是你去了一個地方，然後你問自己，你去哪裡？

Insects.

昆蟲：

Is it a place to be naughty?

這裡是淘氣的地方嗎？

Is it a place to be toe abdicate responsibility?

是要趾高氣揚地推卸責任嗎？

Is it a place to be taken?

是一個可以取的地方嗎？

Care off?

關心了嗎？

Is it a place to be safely dominant?

是一個可以安全支配的地方嗎？

Is it a place to surrender?

是投降的地方嗎？

Is it a place for spiritually union?

是一個精神結合的地方嗎？

Is it a place to be aggressive and finally be able to just command your wishes but playfully playfully and ask yourself what part of me connects with my sexuality.

是一個咄咄逼人的地方，終於可以只命令自己的願望，但卻可以嬉皮笑臉地問自己，我的什麼部分與我的性愛相通。

Where do I go?

我該去哪裡？

Insects don't think act, don't think performance and don't think the kind of narrow, male focused Gen.

昆蟲不考慮行為，不考慮性能，也不考慮那種狹隘的、專注於男性的基因。

Italy modeled off sex of four minutes of foreplay before the real thing and the rial thing is intercourse, and it ends with an orgasm.

意大利仿照性愛的模式，在真正的事情之前，先進行4分鐘的前戲，而rial的事情就是性交，並且以高潮結束。

And then when he's done, it's done.

等他說完了，就完事了。

Parole is not pessimistic about love.

假釋對愛情並不悲觀。

She merely thinks that if we toe honor our hopes, we're going to need an emotional education.

她只是認為，如果我們要尊重我們的希望，我們就需要情感教育。

Thankfully, with people like her toe hand, we can now start to get one.

幸好，有了她這樣的腳趾手，我們現在可以開始得到一個。

Esther Perel is coming to talk at the School of Life in London on Tuesday, December 4th.

12月4日（週二），Esther Perel將在倫敦的生命學校進行演講。

For more information and tickets, please click the link on screen now or in the video description.

更多資訊和門票，請點擊螢幕上的鏈接或視頻描述。