Look at that.

你看那個。

We've got a little camera push tonight.

我們今晚有一個小的攝影機推。

Little camera push tonight.

今晚小相機推。

Welcome to L H O I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

歡迎來到《L H O》 我是你們的主持人，史蒂芬高拔

Well, let's just get straight to the breaking news.

好吧，我們就直接說突發新聞吧。

There was a debate two days ago.

前兩天有一場辯論。

It's been 48 hours, and I've almost rinse all the blood out of my ears.

已經48小時了，我幾乎把耳朵裡的血都沖洗乾淨了。

Tuesday's debate was a colossal waste of time that diminished everyone unfortunate enough to have watched it.

週二的辯論是一個巨大的時間浪費，減少了每個不幸的人看了它。

Just asked moderator and man demonstrating how much control he had over the debate.

只是問了主持人和男子示威，他對辯論的控制力有多大。

Chris Wallace yesterday.

克里斯-華萊士昨天。

While has described the experience as a terrible missed opportunity, Chris is kind of a tame way to describe an unmitigated disaster.

雖然已經將這次經歷描述為一次可怕的錯失機會，但克里斯是一種平淡的方式來描述一場無情的災難。

I'd love to see you cover the Hindenburg on the frame is crashing to the ground, not quite to the mooring mast.

我很想看到你報道框架上的興登堡號正墜落在地面上，而不是完全的停泊在桅杆上。

Oh, the missed opportunity.

哦，錯過的機會。

Even Trump's inner circle was shaken by the president's just awful performance.

就連特朗普的內心世界也被總統剛剛糟糕的表現所震撼。

As CNN's Dana Bash reports, I will tell you one person who is familiar with his debate prep, Anderson said they prepared him to be aggressive, but not to be Jason from Friday the 13th.

正如CNN的Dana Bash所報道的那樣，我會告訴你一個熟悉他的辯論準備的人，安德森說，他們為他準備了咄咄逼人，但不是為了成為13號星期五的傑森。

Okay, that's not fair.

好吧，這是不公平的。

They might both be giant, lumbering maniacs who have a lot of blood on their hands.

他們可能都是巨大的、笨重的、手上沾滿鮮血的瘋子。

But at least Jason wears a mask, and the reactions in the Republican Party at large aren't really any better.

但至少傑森戴著口罩，廣大共和黨的反應其實也好不到哪裡去。

GOP senators have described the debate as awful and an embarrassment.

GOP的參議員們將這場辯論描述為可怕的和尷尬的。

And apparently Trump's performance Stokes fears among Republicans about November.

而顯然，特朗普的表現引發了共和黨人對11月的擔憂。

Oh, now they're worried.

哦，現在他們擔心了。

I don't know, you know.

我不知道，你知道的。

When he ignored a pandemic and paid no taxes and called dead soldiers, suckers and losers and asked Ukraine to interfere in our elections and was credibly accused of multiple sexual assaults, I thought, That's my guy.

當他無視流行病，不交稅，稱死掉的阿兵哥、笨蛋和失敗者，要求烏克蘭干涉我們的選舉，並被可信地指控多次性侵犯時，我想，這就是我的人。

But then he interrupted Chris Wallace, and I'm starting to think we backed the wrong horse.

但後來他打斷了克里斯-華萊士，我開始覺得我們支持錯了馬。

Also, Did you hear what he did to that horse?

還有，你聽說他對那匹馬做了什麼嗎？

Tuesday night was so bad that yesterday the Commission on Presidential Debates announced it will be making changes to the format off the two remaining debates.

週二晚上的情況非常糟糕，昨天總統辯論委員會宣佈，將對剩下的兩場辯論的形式進行修改。

Can I suggest a small tweak to the format where we never have them again?

我可以建議對格式做一個小小的調整，讓我們再也沒有這些東西嗎？

But instead, no, the commission suggests cutting off the microphones of President Trump and Joe Biden if they break the rules, Okay, But if you do, Trump's just gonna use semaphore.

但相反，不，委員會建議切斷特朗普總統和拜登的麥克風，如果他們違反規則，好吧，但如果你這樣做，特朗普只是要使用信號燈。

Yeah, and Come on.

是啊，來吧。

Why are you pretending these changes are aimed at both candidates?

你為什麼要假裝這些變化是針對兩個考生的？

Okay, I'm going to cut the mic if either of you goes off on a deranged tangent about shower pressure or how hot you find your daughter.

好吧，我要切斷話筒，如果你們中的任何一個人去 關閉一個瘋狂的糾纏關於淋浴壓力或如何熱你發現你的女兒。

Ivanka, either of you Biden hope that something would change, but he wasn't optimistic.

伊萬卡，你們中的任何一個拜登都希望有所改變，但他並不樂觀。

I hope that this next debate is gonna be in front of, uh, real live people.

我希望下一場辯論是在真正的活人面前進行的。

It's gonna be a town hall.

這將是一個市政廳。

I just hope we're able to I'm looking forward to it on I hope were ableto get a chance to actually answer the questions that are asked by the persons in the room.

我只是希望我們能夠，我期待著它，我希望能夠有機會實際回答房間裡的人提出的問題。

But God only knows what he'll do.

但只有上帝知道他會做什麼。

Mhm.

嗯

Is that true?

是真的嗎？

God, Do you know what Trump's gonna dio hell if I know.

天啊，如果我知道的話，你知道特朗普會怎樣嗎？

Stephen, I've had your country on mute for the last year.

斯蒂芬，我已經讓你的國家在過去的一年裡處於靜音狀態。

Is it still Infrastructure Week?

這還是基建周嗎？

Gotta go.

走走走

That's my sour dough.

這是我的酸麵糰。

Got everybody but Donald trumps debate performance polled really well with one demo.

得到了大家的認可，但唐納德-特朗普斯的辯論表現在一個演示中的民調非常好。

Narcissists age 74 to 74.

74歲至74歲的自戀者。

Who are him?

他是誰？

Because here's what he said last night in Minnesota.

因為這是他昨晚在明尼蘇達州說的話。

Bye.

掰掰

Really enjoyed last night's debate with Sleepy Joe.

真的很喜歡昨晚和困喬的辯論。

The verdict is in and they say that we we all of us one big last night?

判決結果出來了，他們說我們... ...我們所有人都是昨晚的大人物？

Yes, we we we up on that debate stage.

是的，我們我們我們在那個辯論臺上。

All of us were up there disgracing our democracy.

我們所有人都在上面給我們的民主蒙羞。

And if we don't win in November, we we are all going to jail because we cheated on our taxes.

如果我們在11月沒有贏，我們都會進監獄，因為我們騙了稅。

Remember, there is no I in Eric is the fall guy.

記住，埃裡克是替罪羊，沒有 "我"。

Despite Trump's claims, polls show that six in 10 Americans say that Biden won the debate.

儘管特朗普聲稱，但民調顯示，每10個美國人中就有6個說拜登贏得了辯論。

The other four said the winner was a sleeve of Oreos dunked in at a van.

其他四人說，贏家是在一輛貨車上灌了一袖奧利奧。

Now you can see why charms I'm nervous, cause right now the New York Times poll of polls has Biden up by eight points.

現在你可以明白為什麼魅力我很緊張了，因為現在紐約時報的民調顯示拜登上升了8個百分點。

No surprise.

毫不奇怪

Tuesday he gave voice to the message All Americans have been longing to hear.

週二，他發出了所有美國人一直渴望聽到的資訊。

Well, you shot a man who refreshing So today his campaign released this ad.

嗯，你拍了一個人誰刷新 所以今天他的競選活動發佈了這個廣告。

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut your shut up!

閉上你的嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Help!

救命啊！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Shut up!

閉嘴！

Up!

起來！

Dani, I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message.

丹妮 我是喬・拜登 我同意這條消息。

Of course, what really matters is the swing states.

當然，真正重要的是搖擺州。

And right now Biden leads in Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Nevada, New Hampshire, Arizona, Ohio, North Carolina and Iowa.

而現在拜登在密歇根州、賓夕法尼亞州、威斯康星州、明尼蘇達州、內華達州、新罕布什爾州、亞利桑那州、俄亥俄州、北卡羅來納州和愛荷華州領先。

From the redwood for us to the Gulf Stream waters, this land is sick.

從紅木為我們，到灣流水，這片土地是病態的。

Give me J.

給我J。

D.

D.

Yeah, I took guitar for a month.

是啊，我學了一個月的吉他。

Evidently, Trump actually reads the polls, and that's what made him lose what was left of his mind at the debate.

顯然，特朗普其實是看民調的，這也是讓他在辯論會上失去了僅存的理智的原因。

Maggie Haberman tweeted.

Maggie Haberman在推特上說。

People close to him are blunt that the president knows he's losing and is scared of it.

他身邊的人直言，總統知道自己輸了，很害怕。

So he did what he does when afraid or anxious, and tried to impose his will on the night.

於是，他做了害怕或焦慮時的事，試圖把自己的意志強加給夜色。

Yes, Trump just reacted like a cornered animal.

是的，特朗普剛才的反應就像一隻被逼無奈的動物。

Good question, Chris, but before I answer that, I'm going to express my must sack all over this podium.

很好的問題，克里斯，但在我回答之前，我想表達我必須在這個講臺上大發雷霆。

It's a gland.

這是一個腺體。

Want to guess where the gland is?

想知道腺體在哪裡嗎？

I'll need a mirror.

我需要一面鏡子

Plus, I never said anal.

另外，我從來沒有說過肛門。

I never said Anil grabs.

我從來沒有說過阿尼爾抓。

Plus.

更多。

This week, Biden got another huge endorsement miracle on the Hudson Pilot and a AARP magazine.

本週，拜登又在《哈德遜飛行員》和《美國退休人員協會》雜誌上獲得了巨大的代言奇蹟。

Sexiest Man still alive, Captain Sully Sullenberger.

最性感的男人還活著，薩利-蘇倫伯格上尉。

On Tuesday, Sulley landed this ad right on Trump's face.

週二，蘇利的這則廣告正好落在了特朗普的臉上。

Leadership is not just about sitting in the pilot seat.

領導力不僅僅是坐在飛行員的位置上。

It's about knowing what you're doing and taking responsibility for it.

就是要知道自己在做什麼，併為之負責。

It's in that highest calling of leadership that Donald Trump has failed us so miserably.

唐納德-特朗普就是在領導力這個最高的稱呼上，讓我們如此慘敗。

Nearly a quarter million Americans won't have a voice casualties of his lethal lies and incompetence.

近25萬美國人不會因為他的致命謊言和無能而有聲音傷亡。

All we have to do his vote him out, man, suddenly brought it.

我們要做的就是把他投出去，夥計，突然帶來了。

That's gonna get Biden, the Suburban dad vote right there that's a good is getting endorsed by self locking grilled tongs.

這會讓拜登，郊區爸爸的選票就在那裡，這是一個很好的是得到自鎖烤鉗的支持。

Well, the brats returned the broth.

好吧，小鬼子還了肉湯。

I'm not saying Trump's goose is cooked, but it's definitely sucked into the starboard engine Now, with things looking this bad, Trump stopped running against Biden and turned his attention to his true opponent.

我不是說特朗普的鵝已經熟了，但它肯定被吸進了右舷發動機現在，事情看起來如此糟糕，特朗普停止了與拜登的競爭，並將注意力轉向了他真正的對手。

Democracy.

民主：

We're not gonna lose this except if they cheat.

我們不會輸的，除非他們作弊。

I've been telling you, this whole ballot scam is going to cause a lot of problems for our country.

我一直在告訴你，這個選票騙局 會給我們國家帶來很多問題。

They're going to try and steal the election.

他們會試圖竊取選舉。

We have a big problem and you see it every day.

我們有一個大問題，你每天都能看到它。

You see it happening every day with ballots when the ballots and when the system is rigged, which it is, obviously it is, and the only one that knows that better than me or the Democrats, and they're going to close rooms, and they must laugh like hell.

你看到它每天都在發生選票，當選票和系統被操縱時，它是，顯然它是，唯一一個比我或民主黨人更清楚這一點，他們要關閉房間，他們必須像地獄一樣笑。

I'm sure they're all laughing.

我相信他們都在笑。

Hey, that reminds me of a joke.

嘿，這讓我想起了一個笑話。

Why did the chicken cross the road to escape to Canada?

雞為什麼要過馬路逃到加拿大？

Because Bill bars turning dissidents into McNuggets.

因為比爾吧把異己變成了麥樂雞。

Now there's no proof that wide scale election fraud ever happens.

現在沒有證據證明大規模的選舉舞弊發生過。

It's so rare that even Trump's Voter Fraud Commission couldn't find evidence.

這很罕見，連特朗普的選民欺詐委員會都找不到證據。

But that hasn't stopped Trump from already filing lawsuits in North Carolina, Pennsylvania and elsewhere to restrict voting by mail.

但這並沒有阻止特朗普已經在北卡羅來納州、賓夕法尼亞州和其他地方提起訴訟，限制郵寄投票。

It's all part of his public service campaign.

這都是他公共服務活動的一部分。

The vote.

投票：

During the debate, Trump urged his followers to intimidate other voters by being a so called poll watcher.

在辯論期間，特朗普敦促他的追隨者通過做一個所謂的民意調查觀察者來恐嚇其他選民。

And now Don Jr saying I'm helping to Dad.

現在小唐又說我在幫爸爸。

The radical left are laying the groundwork to steal this election from my father.

激進的左派正在為從我父親手中偷走這次選舉做準備。

President Donald Trump Way cannot let that happen way.

唐納德-特朗普總統方式不能讓這種情況發生方式。

Need every able bodied man woman to join Army for Trump's election security operation?

需要每一個身體健全的男人女人都加入軍隊，參加特朗普的選舉安保行動嗎？

Yes, every able bodied man and woman which does not include Donald Trump Jr because he is clearly hammered.

是的，每一個健全的男人和女人，其中不包括小唐納德-特朗普，因為他顯然是錘鍊。

Okay, the radical left is trying to steal the election, but I'm not gonna let him because we will fight the rack left like I fought the store guy when he wouldn't let me put my mouth on the slushy machine.

好吧，激進的左派想竊取選舉 但我不會讓他得逞的 因為我們會和架子左派鬥爭 就像我和商店裡的人鬥爭一樣 他不讓我把嘴放進泥漿機裡

And I don't know how those white claws got down my pants.

我也不知道那些白爪子是怎麼鑽進我褲子裡的。

Officer baby, come here.

寶貝警官，過來。

I want you guys to meet Scream he can, he say The best is yet to come.

我想讓你們見見 "尖叫"，他可以，他說最好的還在後面。

Things say it.

事情說來就來。

Hello, but there are some heroes out there fighting to make sure all Americans voices are heard.

你好，但也有一些英雄在那裡戰鬥，以確保所有美國人的聲音被聽到。

For instance, with just a month until the election, Snapchat says it's helped over one million people registered to vote but the registration on the last 24 hours.

例如，距離大選僅有一個月的時間，Snapchat表示已經幫助超過100萬人登記投票，但在最後24小時的登記。

So be sure to take a screenshot.

所以一定要截圖。

Of course, If you register through Snapchat, you need two forms of ID one where you're a dog and one where you're puking.

當然，如果你通過Snapchat註冊，你需要兩張身份證一張是狗的，一張是吐的。

Rain bows.

雨弓。

There's a new get out the vote drive called Get Your Booty to the Pole, organized by exotic dancers.

有一個新的投票活動叫 "把你的臀部放到極點"，由異國舞者組織。

How could you cinnamon Cheyenne candy with an eye at to boot?

你怎麼能肉桂夏安糖與眼睛在引導？

A.

A.

The dancers explained the importance of voting in this online video.

舞者在這個在線視頻中解釋了投票的重要性。

One trades and coding taught in our schools.

在我們的學校裡教一個行業和編碼。

Then vote for the school words that will prepare us for the job market.

然後投給學校的話，為我們的就業市場做準備。

Wanna end cash bail will then vote for the sheriff's and county officials that feel the same way you do.

想結束現金保釋就會投票給和你有同樣想法的警長和縣政府官員。

Don't let other people decide who's going to run your community.

不要讓別人決定誰來管理你的社區。

Get your booty to the pole.

把你的戰利品放到杆子上。

Get your booty to the pole.

把你的戰利品放到杆子上。

Get your booty to the pole.

把你的戰利品放到杆子上。

That, my friends, is democracy at work.

我的朋友們，這就是民主的作用。

The P S.

P S.

A.

A.

Ends with this call to action for information on how and where to vote as well as resource is to find out who's running where you live.

結束與此呼籲行動的資訊如何和在哪裡投票，以及資源是找出誰的運行你住的地方。

Go to get your booty to the poll dot com.

去把你的戰利品拿到投票網去。

We had to blur so much of the booty that you can't even read the u R L There's gotta be.

我們不得不模糊了這麼多的戰利品，你甚至不能閱讀的U R L，必須有。

There's gotta be a line here.

這裡一定有一條線。

I understand this is CBS, and we cannot show everything that God gave her.

我明白這是哥倫比亞廣播公司，我們不能把上帝給她的一切都展示出來。

But a girl?

但一個女孩？

No, no.

不，不。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

I'm not surprised The dancers did this.

我對舞者這樣做並不感到驚訝。

I'm only surprised that the website get your booty to the poll was somehow not taken already.

我只驚訝於網站讓你的戰利品去投票，不知為何還沒有被採納。

Well, I say good for you, ladies.

好吧，我說對你有好處，女士們。

Thank you.

謝謝你了

I also say this seems like they're trying to horn in on my turf.

我還說這好像是他們想在我的地盤上呼風喚雨。

Of course, that's the Late Show's website.

當然，那是晚秀的網站。

Better know a ballot which has voter information for all 50 states and the District of Columbia.

最好知道一張選票，上面有所有50個州和哥倫比亞特區的選民資訊。

Join the millions who have already checked out are helpful videos.

加入數百萬已經檢查出是有用的視頻。

But here's the thing.

但事情是這樣的

Now that I've seen get your booty to the pole, I realized that better know a ballot needs more sex appeal.

現在我已經看到了讓你的戰利品到杆子上，我意識到，最好知道選票需要更多的性吸引力。

Now, I'm not an exotic dancer.

現在，我不是一個異國舞者。

I'm just a middle aged white guy.

我只是一箇中年白人。

So I don't think that I'm actually going Thio, take your buttocks out and vote.

所以我覺得我其實並不打算Thio，把你的屁股拿出來投票。

You could take your powerboat if it's chilly, Wear a coat.

如果天氣冷的話，你可以開著你的摩托艇，穿上外套。

Uh, pull the lever.

呃，拉桿。

Take what the line.

拿什麼行。

Pull the lever.

拉動槓桿。

Shake that rump you convert, You get the idea.

晃晃你的屁股，你就明白了。

You get the idea.

你懂的

We got a great show for you tonight.

我們今晚為你準備了一場精彩的演出。

Ethan Hawke is here.

伊桑-霍克來了

But when we come back, I might have to apologize for what I just did.

但當我們回來的時候，我可能要為我剛才的行為道歉。