Thanks for watching "The Tonight Show."

謝謝收看 "今夜秀"。

My name's Jimmy Fallon, and that is the Roots right over there,

我叫吉米-法倫，那邊是 "根 "樂隊。

ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ]

女士們，先生們。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, the big story is still the Supreme Court,

好了，夥計們，大新聞還是最高法院。

and today it looks like the Republicans cleared

而今天看來共和黨人已經通過了

an important hurdle.

一個重要的障礙。

-Senator Lindsey Graham,

林賽-格雷厄姆參議員

the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee,

參議院司法委員會主席。

now says the Republicans have the votes to confirm

現在說，共和黨有票數來確認

President Trump's nominee to fill Justice Ginsburg's seat

特朗普總統提名的金斯伯格大法官的職位人選

before the election, before they even know who the nominee is.

在選舉前，在他們還不知道誰是提名人之前。

-That's right.

-沒錯

51 out of 53 Republicans are now on board

53名共和黨人中的51名現在已經加入了。

while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally.

而其他兩個堅持像面具 在MAGA集會。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right. The Republicans

是的 That's right.共和黨人

are really backing Trump on this.

是真的支持特朗普這一點。

They were like, "We got him through Mueller,

他們就像，"我們通過穆勒把他弄到手了。

the impeachment, and that time he called America

彈劾案，而那次他稱美國

'the United Schess.'

'聯誼會'。

We're not stopping now."

我們現在不會停止。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Now it sounds like a vote could be held in just a few weeks.

現在聽起來，投票可能在幾周後就會舉行。

Man, we haven't seen Republicans move this fast

天啊，我們還沒見過共和黨人這麼快的行動呢

since Men's Warehouse had a closing sale.

因為Men's Warehouse有一個關閉的銷售。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, you can tell Senate Republicans

說真的，你可以告訴參議院的共和黨人。

are loving life right now.

是熱愛生活的現在。

They haven't been this happy since "Blue Bloods"

自從 "藍血 "之後，他們就沒有這麼開心過了。

started streaming on Hulu.

開始在Hulu上流傳。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's pretty wild.

這是相當瘋狂的。

The Republicans are in favor of Trump's nominee,

共和黨支持特朗普提名的人選。

and he hasn't named one yet.

而他還沒有命名一個。

Even the people who got engaged on "Love Is Blind" were like,

就連《愛情是盲目的》中訂婚的人也是如此。

"Don't you want to see who it is first?"

"你不是想先看看是誰嗎？"

How do you agree to put someone on the Supreme Court

你怎麼會同意把人送進最高法院呢？

before you know who they are?

在你知道他們是誰之前？

I don't even pick up a phone call

我連電話都不接了

when I don't know who it is.

當我不知道它是誰的時候。

Unknown? I know like four of those people.

未知？我認識其中的四個人

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm not gonna pick up right now.

我現在不接電話。

I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice.

我還是不相信我們會讓特朗普做出這樣的選擇。

He's terrible at hiring people.

他在用人方面很糟糕。

Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison,

他僱過的人要麼被炒魷魚，要麼進監獄。

or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both.

或在史蒂夫-班農的情況下，幾乎兩者。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, last night in Ohio Trump held another rally,

好了，夥計們，昨晚在俄亥俄州特朗普又舉行了一次集會。

and he said something pretty interesting

他說了一些很有趣的話

about who the coronavirus affects.

關於冠狀病毒對誰的影響。

Watch this.

看這個。

-We now know the disease. We didn't know it.

-我們現在知道這種病了我們以前不知道

Now we know it.

現在我們知道了。

It affects elderly people,

它影響了老年人。

elderly people with heart problems and other problems.

有心臟病等問題的老人。

Nobody young.

沒有人年輕。

Below the age of 18, like nobody.

18歲以下，如無名小卒。

But it affects virtually nobody.

但它幾乎不影響任何人。

It's an amazing thing.

這是一件很神奇的事情。

-Well, I think he's officially done up-playing the virus.

-我想他已經正式完成了對病毒的玩弄。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump said the virus affects "virtually nobody."

特朗普說，該病毒影響 "幾乎沒有人"。

Then somebody in the front row sneezed,

然後前排有人打了個噴嚏。

and Trump hit the floor like he dropped his remote.

而特朗普像掉了遙控器一樣摔在地上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After Trump made that comment,

在特朗普發表這番話後。

doctors and nurses wanted to respond,

醫生和護士想回應。

but they're currently in the middle of a 4,000-hour shift.

但他們目前正在上4000小時的班。

Affects virtually nobody? How could he say that?

幾乎不影響任何人？他怎麼能這麼說呢？

Right now my entire staff is dressed like

現在我所有的員工都穿得像

a bunch of welders who went scuba diving.

一群去潛水的焊工。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, as COVID cases begin to rise again in the U.K.,

同時，由於英國的COVID案件又開始上升。

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has decided to take action.

首相鮑里斯-約翰遜決定採取行動。

-We are once again asking office workers

-我們再次要求辦公人員

who can work from home to do so.

可以在家工作的人去做。

Unless we palpably make progress, we should assume that

除非我們取得明顯的進展，否則我們應該認為

the restrictions I've announced will remain in place

我所宣佈的限制將繼續有效

for perhaps six months.

也許有六個月的時間。

-Yeah, people immediately promised to follow the rules

-是啊，人家馬上就答應按規矩辦事了。

because if they don't, Boris Johnson threatened

因為如果他們不這樣做，鮑里斯-約翰遜威脅說，

to send them to America.

把他們送到美國去。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Can we see Boris Johnson again?

我們能再見到鮑里斯-約翰遜嗎？

Yeah. It's not good when Americans look at him and say,

是啊，當美國人看著他說，這可不好。

"I wish we had someone like that."

"我希望我們有這樣的人。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, listen to this.

好吧，聽這個。

I read that Walmart is going to start delivering

我讀到沃爾瑪要開始送貨了。

COVID-19 test kits by drone.

COVID-19無人機測試包。

Yep. The good news -- there's a new COVID drone from Walmart.

是的 好消息是...好消息是... 沃爾瑪新出了一款COVID無人機 The good news... there's a new COVID drone from Walmart.

The bad news -- it's being operated by

壞消息是... ...它的運營者是...

an 85-year-old greeter.

一位85歲的老迎賓員。

"Hold still. Here comes the airplane."

"別動，飛機來了飛機來了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm no expert, but if you told me 20 years ago

我不是專家，但如果你在20年前告訴我

we'd have flying drones delivering pandemic test kits

我們會有飛行的無人機來運送流行病測試包。

to our house, I'd say things did not go well.

到我們家，我想說事情並不順利。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some sports news.

一些體育新聞。

On Sunday, a few NFL coaches

上週日，幾位NFL教練

didn't wear masks on the sidelines.

沒有在場邊戴上口罩。

And now they're being punished by the league.

現在他們被聯盟懲罰了。

Check it out.

看看吧

-The NFL has dished out more than $1 million in fines

-NFL已經開出了超過100萬美元的罰單

for coaches not wearing masks on the sidelines on Sunday.

為週日在場邊不戴口罩的教練。

Three head coaches -- Seattle's Pete Carroll,

三位主教練--西雅圖的皮特-卡羅爾。

Denver's Vic Fangio,

丹佛的Vic Fangio。

and San Francisco's Kyle Shanahan

和舊金山的凱爾-沙納漢。

each fined $100,000.

各罰款10萬元。

-$100,000.

-$100,000.

Even for them, that's a lot of money.

即使是對他們來說，也是一筆不小的數目。

To put that into perspective,

為了讓大家明白這一點。

punching a ref is just 50 bucks and an apology.

衝裁判只是50塊錢和道歉。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, over $1 million in fines or,

是啊，超過100萬美元的罰款或。

as Trump put it, "virtually nothing."

正如特朗普所說，"幾乎沒有"。

Yep, they want the coaches wearing masks.

是的，他們想讓教練們戴上面具。

Meanwhile, the maskless players all ran back

同時，沒有面具的玩家都跑了回來

to the ventless locker room and showered together.

到無通風更衣室，一起洗澡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, this isn't good.

嗯，這不是很好。

After launching less than six months ago,

在推出不到半年的時間裡。

the streaming platform Quibi is now exploring a potential sale.

的流媒體平臺Quibi現在正在探索潛在的出售。

Quibi actually announced they were for sale a few months ago,

魁拔其實在幾個月前就已經宣佈出售了。

but no one saw it.

但沒有人看到它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Quibi failed when everyone was home doing nothing.

當大家都在家無所事事的時候，魁拔失敗了。

That's like offering water at the end of a marathon

這就像馬拉松比賽結束後提供水一樣。

and every runner is like, "Nah, I'm good."

和每一個亞軍是一樣， "不，我很好。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I'm just extremely thirsty is all."

"我只是極度口渴而已。"

Actually, I like Quibi

其實，我喜歡魁拔

because it's the only thing in 2020 that seemed to go fast.

因為這是2020年唯一一件看起來很快的事情。

And finally, this is a strange anniversary.

最後，這是一個奇怪的紀念日。

60 years ago today

60年前的今天

President Nixon ate half a sandwich in Illinois.

尼克松總統在伊利諾伊州吃了半個三明治。

Listen to what happened to the other half.

聽聽另一半的遭遇吧。

-I picked it up and hopped on my bicycle and sped home.

-我拿起它，跳上自行車，飛馳回家。

I said, "Mom, I've got the sandwich

我說："媽媽，我買了三明治

that Nixon took a couple bites out of."

尼克松吃了幾口的。"

I stuck it in the freezer,

我把它放進了冷凍室。

and that's the way it still is today, 60 years later.

60年後的今天，依然如此。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-And 60 years from now,

-還有60年後

his grandkid will show off Trump's half-eaten Big Mac.

他的孫子會展示特朗普吃了一半的巨無霸。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm just kidding. He didn't leave half.

我只是在開玩笑。他沒有留下一半。