but I do need to discuss him tonight.

但我今晚確實需要討論他。

We have an associate producer, you may know him.

我們有一個副製片人，你可能認識他。

He's on our show and his name is Jordan Schlansky.

他在我們的節目中，他的名字是喬丹Schlansky。

Yeah, we'll insert some booing there.

是的，我們會在那裡插入一些噓聲。

Anyway, for as long as I can remember,

總之，從我記事起。

Jordan's office has been an embarrassing mess.

喬丹的辦公室一直是個尷尬的爛攤子。

Well, earlier this year,

嗯，今年早些時候。

just before our studio was shut down

就在我們的工作室被關閉之前

by the COVID-19 pandemic,

由COVID-19大流行病。

I mean, literally like two weeks before,

我的意思是，從字面上看，像兩個星期前。

I called in some big names to tackle a renovation

我找了一些大人物來解決裝修的問題。

of Jordan's office, okay?

喬丹的辦公室，好嗎？

We were gonna make this a great remote.

我們要把它變成一個偉大的遙控器。

We brought a camera crew, we even screened what we shot

我們帶了一個攝製組，還把我們拍的東西放映了出來。

for an audience back in March, literally one

在3月份的時候，為觀眾提供了一個真正的

of the last audiences we had before COVID shut us down.

在COVID關閉我們之前，我們最後的觀眾。

Then the lockdown hit and we had to delay

然後，封鎖發生了，我們不得不延後。

completing Jordan's office renovation, until now.

完成喬丹的辦公室裝修，直到現在。

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

As you know, I worked with a guy named Jordan Schlansky

你知道，我和一個叫喬丹-施蘭斯基的人一起工作。

who is a terrible slob.

誰是一個可怕的slob。

Just a pig, his office is a mess,

就是一頭豬，他的辦公室亂七八糟。

I've tried many times to clean it up,

我已經試過很多次了，想把它清理掉。

and it's dirty again, immediately.

又髒了，馬上。

I'm sick of it, I give up.

我受夠了，我放棄了。

That's why I brought in the big guns,

所以我才找來了大兵。

The Property Brothers.

財產兄弟。

We're glad to be here, I mean this really shows

我們很高興來到這裡，我的意思是，這真的顯示了

that as his employer, how much you care about him.

作為他的僱主，你有多關心他。

Oh, no, I'm happy if he dies tomorrow.

哦，不，如果他明天死了，我很高興。

Hello. Hi.

你好啊嗨，我的天

Have you met the Property Brothers?

你見過地產兄弟嗎？

No I have not.

不，我沒有。

Usually I stand when people come into the room

一般人進屋我都是站著的。

and I greet them, I think that's more polite.

我和他們打招呼，我覺得這樣更有禮貌。

Would you like to stand?

你想站起來嗎？

I'm comfortable the way I am.

我現在的樣子很舒服。

We've offered to do this for free to help you,

我們主動提出免費幫你做這件事。

and this is taking up a fair bit of our time,

而這又佔用了我們不少時間。

because I mean, look at the space.

因為我的意思是，看的空間。

This is a lot to tackle and we're here

這是一個很大的問題，我們在這裡。

to actually add some features that really

實際上增加了一些功能，真正

make this the pimped out space that you would like to have.

讓這裡成為你想擁有的拉皮條空間。

I don't want to put anything in here.

我不想在這裡放任何東西。

I didn't initiate this whole practice at all.

我根本沒有發起這整個實踐。

Let's put this politely, I'm not asking you,

我們說得客氣點，我不是在問你。

I'm telling you, we're going to get clean up this space,

我告訴你，我們要去清理這個空間。

Okay. because you represent Conan,

好吧 因為你代表柯南

and I am known for class, I am known for aesthetics,

而我以品位著稱，我以美學著稱。

I'm known for or a high level of design.

我以或高水平的設計著稱。

Look, you gentlemen clearly have an agenda.

聽著，你們這些人顯然是有目的的。

I'm going to remain passive in this situation.

在這種情況下，我將保持被動。

Why don't you proceed to do what you intend.

你為什麼不繼續做你想做的事呢？

Oh my God. We're giving you

哦，我的上帝。我們要給你

an office upgrade. Is that what you say

辦公室升級。你是這麼說的嗎？

before you're molested (laughing)?

在你被調戲之前（笑）？

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

For God's sake.

看在上帝的份上

You'd last long in prison.

你會在監獄裡呆很久。

Well, you gentlemen have an agenda,

好吧，你們先生們有一個議程。

I will remain passive, and you do as you please.

我將保持被動，而你則隨心所欲。

What's a couple things about yourself

你有什麼事？

that would help us understand what's important to you?

這將幫助我們瞭解什麼是對你重要的？

What are your interests?

你的興趣是什麼？

I'm a deep thinker.

我是一個深思熟慮的人。

I explore inward, as well as outward.

我向內探索，也向外探索。

Let me help you, you love Italy, do you not?

讓我來幫你，你喜歡意大利，不是嗎？

I do. I got married

我有我結婚了

in Italy, so I mean, I know Italy very well.

在意大利，所以我的意思是，我很瞭解意大利。

You say you got married in Italy,

你說你在意大利結婚了

therefore you know Italy very well.

所以你對意大利非常瞭解。

Are those two things necessarily connected?

這兩件事有必然聯繫嗎？

You're weird.

你真奇怪

I did my research. He was sharing with you.

我做了我的研究。他在和你分享。

What about something very cool,

那非常酷的東西呢。

like, I don't know, like a pasta station?

像，我不知道，像一個麵食站？

Yes, a food area where they would

是的，一個食物區，他們會

be making you fresh pasta in your office.

在你的辦公室給你做新鮮的意大利麵。

Would you like that?

你喜歡這樣嗎？

The problem with eating carbohydrates on their own

單獨吃碳水化合物的問題。

without protein, fat, and fiber to balance them out

沒有蛋白質、脂肪和纖維素來平衡它們。

is that creates a spike in blood sugar.

是會造成血糖的飆升。

Then the pancreas secretes insulin to remove the sugar

然後，胰腺分泌胰島素，將糖分排出。

from the blood, that sugar is stored as fat.

血液中的糖分會以脂肪的形式儲存起來。

The body is a very efficient mechanism and you don't want

身體是一個非常有效的機制，你不希望。

to waste that energy.

來浪費這些能量。

So you don't like Italy?

所以你不喜歡意大利？

Personal grooming is very important to you.

個人修養對你來說是非常重要的。

You like to shave the body,

你喜歡刮身體。

shave the face? Sure, I respect

刮臉？當然，我尊重你

the human body that we've all been given

我們都有的身軀。

and I like to present it in its best possible condition.

我想把它以最好的狀態呈現出來。

Well you know what?

你知道嗎？

We share some traits.

我們有一些共同的特點。

I take care, yes.

我會小心的，是的。

I mean I have no hair. He's lasered his whole body.

我的意思是我沒有頭髮。他把他的全身都脈衝光了。

Let me see, you actually

讓我看看，你真的

shave your body. I've no, no lasered it.

剃光你的身體。我沒有，沒有脈衝光它。

I lasered it.

我把它脈衝光了。

I believe in just having

我相信只要有

regular dude hair. Have you removed

常規的紈絝子弟的頭髮。你有沒有去掉

the hair from your chest?

你胸前的頭髮？

I lasered twice.

我用脈衝光打了兩次。

Yeah, it doesn't seem consistent with the hair

是啊，它似乎並不一致的頭髮。

on your legs.

在你的腿上。

No. In fact, all three of us

不，其實我們三個人

have modified our body hair.

已經修改了我們的體毛。

In this scenario, you're the odd man out.

在這種情況下，你是奇葩。

I believe in letting it grow.

我相信讓它成長。

It looks like a copper Brillo pad beneath my belt,

看起來像我腰帶下的銅質布里洛墊。

and that's my way of going because I've been in a very,

這是我的方式，因為我一直在一個非常。

very long marriage, and well, I think enough said.

很長的婚姻，好了，我想說的夠多了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Why do you have?

你為什麼有？

OMG.

天啊

[Conan] Why do you have this here?

你為什麼把這個放在這裡？

This is a toilet stool.

這是個馬桶凳。

It ensures proper orientation of the puborectalis muscle,

它保證了恥骨直腸肌的正確定位。

which is the muscle that maintains continence.

這是維持大陸的肌肉。

So, this is like a Squatty Potty knockoff.

所以，這就像一個Squatty Potty的仿製品。

No, this is a Squatty Potty.

不，這是一個蹲式便器。

Of course it is. This is their

當然是這樣。這就是他們

luxurious model, it's made of bamboo

豪華型，它是由竹子製成的。

as opposed to a lower quality plastic.

而不是品質較差的塑膠。

Why is it still in the box?

為什麼還在盒子裡？

I haven't unpacked and assembled it yet.

我還沒有拆開包裝，還沒有組裝好。

I have a feeling he uses it and then puts it back

我感覺他用了之後又放回去了。

in the box.

在盒子裡。

It's the only thing that's organized in this office.

這是這個辦公室裡唯一有條理的東西。

Hold on a second.

等一下

Why do you have two of them?

為什麼你有兩個人？

Why do you have two?

為什麼你有兩個？

Hey, do you go up to people in the subway and say,

嘿，你會不會在地鐵裡走到別人面前說：。

"How about a little side-by-side pooping?"

"來點側身大便如何？"

What about a toilet?

廁所呢？

Could we put a toilet in this space, so he could...

我們能不能在這個地方放一個廁所，這樣他就可以... ...

He might literally never leave.

他可能真的永遠不會離開。

Would you be willing to evacuate your bowels in here

你願意在這裡排洩你的大便嗎？

if there was a toilet?

如果有一個廁所？

I don't do that in the workplace.

我在工作場所不會這樣做。

How do you, you save it up for all day?

你是怎麼做到的，你把它攢了一天？

Like you save up for 10 hours?

比如你攢了10個小時？

My body's on a natural rhythm.

我的身體是自然的節奏。

I've taken great steps to ensure the natural

我已經採取了很大的措施，以確保天然的

digestive rhythm of my body.

我身體的消化節奏。

I take a probiotic supplement. What are you saying?

我吃的是益生菌補充劑。你在說什麼？

Are you being serious?

你是認真的嗎？

You don't defecate at work?

你不在工作中排洩？

You can't control your bodily functions?

你不能控制自己的身體機能？

What, you can't what?

什麼，你不能什麼？

When he loses it, it's great.

當他失去了它，這是偉大的。

No, it's not, the way he laughs his eyebrows get so crazy.

不，不是的，他笑的時候眉毛都快笑瘋了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

No, I don't need to come to the workplace

不用了，我不需要來上班了

and evacuate my bowels. That is not healthy,

並排空我的腸子。這是不健康的。

when you have to go, you have to go.

當你必須去，你必須去。

I don't have to go.

我不用去了

So you have never pooped at work?

所以你從來沒有在工作時拉過屎？

No.

不知道

That's insane, that's crazy.

這是瘋了，這是瘋了。

How do you plan that out?

你是怎麼計劃的？

My body follows a natural rhythm, it's almost circadian.

我的身體遵循自然的節奏，幾乎是晝夜顛倒。

I'm surprised that you are caught unaware so often.

我很驚訝，你竟然經常被抓到不知道。

Do you defecate at work?

你會在工作中排便嗎？

Jordan, all people eventually, first of all,

喬丹，所有的人最終，首先。

I'm a celebrity, and as they will tell you,

我是個名人，他們會告訴你的。

we just don't defecate at all.

我們只是不排便在所有。

No. No, no.

不，不，不。

But you as a person, everyone does.

但你這個人，大家都是這樣。

How many times a week would you say you defecate at work?

你說你一週在工作中排便多少次？

Well, I think you're talking about a very,

嗯，我想你說的是一個非常。

this is a disgusting topic.

這是一個噁心的話題。

Well, I didn't initiate the topic.

好吧，我沒有發起這個話題。

You're the one that introduced the topic

是你提出這個話題的

by having not one, but two bamboo Squatty Potty.

通過擁有不是一個，而是兩個竹製蹲便器。

So before the show is when you'll normally

所以，在演出前，你通常會

evacuate your bowels, if you need to?

如果你需要的話，排空你的腸子？

I've done it during the show, back,

我在節目中做過，回。

that's why we had a desk.

這就是為什麼我們有一個辦公桌。

And one of the investors in the film

而影片的投資人之一

came from Council Bluffs, Iowa to help us make the movie.

從愛荷華州的布拉夫委員會來幫助我們製作電影。

Which consisted of him in a Brooks Brothers suit

他穿著布魯克斯兄弟的西裝

in a cornfield.

在玉米田裡。

Would you evacuate your bowels here in the privacy

你會在這裡私下排洩你的大便嗎？

of your own room, if we had sort

你自己的房間，如果我們有排序

of like a prison toilet here?

就像這裡的監獄廁所？

I wouldn't evacuate my bowels in this workplace,

我不會在這個工作場所疏通我的腸道。

whether there was, or was not a toilet in this office.

這個辦公室裡到底有沒有廁所。

I will not eat green eggs and ham.

我不會吃綠蛋和火腿。

I will not defecate, Sam I am.

我不會排便的，山姆，我是。

Decorative elements, do you have any thoughts?

裝飾元素，你有什麼想法嗎？

Yeah, I mean if you want this to really embrace

是的，我的意思是，如果你想讓這個真正的擁抱。

your passion for Italy, maybe like a,

你對意大利的熱情，也許就像一。

like a marble statue or something like that.

像一個大理石雕像或類似的東西。

That'd be fantastic.

這將是夢幻般的。

No, I don't see the value in that,

不，我看不出這有什麼價值。

I'm sorry. Well, then that would

我很抱歉 I'm sorry.好吧，那麼這將是

be a yes.

是的。

Look at that. Look at that.

你看那個。你看那個。

(baroque music)

(巴洛克音樂)

And that is the size.

而這就是尺寸。

Conan came in early and measured it out.

柯南早早的就來打量了一番。

Actually, I'd be happy with that.

其實，我很樂意這樣做。

[Jonathan] I mean, it looks pretty nice, eh?

[喬納森]我的意思是，它看起來相當不錯，嗯？

Jordan, congratulations, and now do the thing

喬丹，恭喜你，現在去做那件事吧

other humans do, which is thank Jonathan and Drew

其他人類所做的，這是感謝喬納森和德魯。

for their help.

感謝他們的幫助。

Thank you. Pleasure.

謝謝你。榮幸之至

Thank you. You're welcome.

謝謝你。 - 不客氣。不客氣。

Look forward to seeing your face when we're all done.

期待著我們完成後看到你的臉。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

Normally this is where we'd show you

通常我們會在這裡向你展示

our 3D computer animation and talk about

我們的三維電腦動畫和談論

how the renovation would proceed.

翻新工程將如何進行。

Yeah, but our big plans for Jordan's office,

是啊，但我們對喬丹辦公室的大計劃。

that went out the window when the pandemic hit.

疫情來襲時，這一切都成了泡影。

In fact, since Conan's Warner Brothers studio closed down,

事實上，自從柯南的華納兄弟工作室關閉後。

and was abandoned by humans over five months ago,

並在五個多月前被人類拋棄。

Jordan's office was turned into a breeding ground for rats,

喬丹的辦公室變成了老鼠的溫床。

raccoons, and the nine banded armadillo.

浣熊，以及九帶犰狳。

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

[Drew] As a result, Jordan's office has been condemned

是以，喬丹的辦公室受到了譴責。

by the city of Burbank, which forced us

由伯班克市，這迫使我們。

to rethink our renovation.

來重新思考我們的裝修。

First, we're gonna return Jordan to his office,

首先，我們要把喬丹送回他的辦公室。

then re-imagine the entryway by sealing it up

然後通過封堵入口的方式來重新構思

with beautiful reclaimed brick, imported from Tuscany,

用美麗的再生磚，從托斯卡納進口。

giving Jordan's final resting place the Italian style

賜予喬丹最後的安息之地，意大利式的 "意式"。

and look he craves.

和他渴望的樣子。

So Jordan will be sealed off from all human contact

所以喬丹會被封印起來，不與人類接觸。

and run out of oxygen pretty quickly, is that right?

並很快耗盡氧氣，是嗎？

Mm, two hours tops.

嗯，最多兩個小時。

Fantastic.

妙不可言

Oh my God, this is exactly what I dreamed it would be.

哦，我的上帝，這正是我夢寐以求的。

I'm not sure about Jordan, but Conan seems pretty happy

我不確定喬丹的情況，但柯南似乎很高興。

about the outcome.

關於結果。

He does, oh actually Conan,

他確實如此，哦，其實柯南。

something we're extremely happy about,

我們非常高興的事情。

it's the "Brother Versus Brother," premiere on HGTV.

是《兄弟對決》，在HGTV首播。

Very smooth segue.

非常流暢的轉場。

I try.

並嘗試。

[Both] Thanks Conan.

謝謝柯南