Thank you. Wow. That is tremendously nice.

Thank you very much. Well, happy Thanksgiving.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright.

Well, I will share this with you --

I suffer from OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder.

-Yeah. -Yeah, thank you.

[ Laughter ]

"Suffer" -- that word is overused,

don't you think?

I think the term "suffer" should be reserved

for people writhing in agony on the ground.

[ Laughter ] They're suffering, you know?

Am I allowed to run up to them?

"You're preaching to the choir!"

[ Laughter ]

"I have to alphabetize everything!"

[ Laughter ]

"Quit wriggling around. I'm trying to count your ribs!"

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

The alphabetizing thing is not true -- at least, in my case.

People think I'm weirder than I am,

and it's hard for me, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Like, they ask questions, like, "Brian with your OCD,

do you have to alphabetize your books at home?"

And I'm, like, "Uh, no." [ Laughter ]

"I organize my books by when I got them chronologically

on the top shelf."

[ Laughter ]

I don't have to alphabetize my books.

I'm not a kook.

[ Laughter ]

And the bottom shelf is for the books I finished reading,

organized chronologically.

[ Laughter ]

I don't have to alphabetize them. Mnh.

[ Laughter ]

And the middle shelf

is for the books I'm in the process of reading.

Those are organized chronologically.

[ Laughter ] When I start reading a book,

I just move it from the top shelf to the middle shelf,

and I know exactly what you're wondering --

"Well, wouldn't reading the title of the book count

technically as being in the process of reading the book?

Then how would you distinguish

between the top shelf and the middle shelf?"

[ Laughter ]

Well, the way I do it --

I make myself read all of page one

before I allow a shelf change.

[ Laughter ]

I don't count the introduction or the forward

or the book jacket.

I do read all of that word for word,

but then I make myself read all of page one,

all the way to the bottom...

unless it ends in the middle of a sentence --

I make myself turn the page. [ Laughter and applause ]

I finish the sentence to complete the thought.

I turn the page back.

I write down what date that book was started

and move that to the middle shelf

furthest on the right.

I don't have to alphabetize my books.

I'm not out of my mind!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Applause continues ]

You know, when I first suspected that I might have OCD,

I Googled it.

And there are different symptoms,

and some I have, and some I don't.

And the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others.

So I decided to make a color-coded graph.

[ Laughter ]

I wish I was making this up.

[ Laughter ]

I listed the symptoms, and I said,

"I'm going to rate from zero to 10

how strongly I feel I have each symptom.

I'll total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms."

[ Light laughter ] "If I'm higher than five,

I'll seek professional treatment."

[ Laughter ]

"If I'm under five, I'll self-diagnose that I am A-okay."

[ Laughter ]

Number one -- "Are you the type of person

who has to check the stove over and over again

to make sure it's off?"

And I'm, like, "Uh, zero.

That's 'Looney Tunes' land."

[ Laughter ]

Number two -- "Are you the type of person

who has to wash your hands repeatedly?"

And I had this nagging feeling

that I forgot to answer that first question.

[ Laughter ]

So, I looked up. Yeah, I did write zero.

Okay, hand washing?

[ Laughter ] Six.

I'm, like, "That ain't even right."

I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands.

I went to go wash my hands. [ Laughter ]

While I'm washing my hands,

I'm like, "Why did they mention stove?"

So, I checked the stove.

[ Laughter ] It was on.

I'm like, "I'm never going to make that mistake again,"

and I came back, and I changed hand washing to two.

[ Laughter ]

I did the whole test and averaged 5.0.

So I'm like, "I still don't know."

[ Laughter ]

So, I decided to buy a book about it.

I got to get to the bottom of it somehow, right?

[ Light laughter ] I go into the bookstore.

I ask the clerk,

"Can you tell me where the self-help section is?"

And she said, "Why don't you try to find that yourself?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience groans ]

Well, I finally found the section.

It was so disorganized,

I spent the next three hours rearranging all their books,

rather than finding out whether or not I have OCD.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much.

♪♪

Thank you.

-Alright.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] Come here!