Thanks for being here and for listening to me,

because I've got two kids, and they rarely do.

It's an interesting time to be a mom.

It used to be that your mother-in-law was

the only one that had an opinion on how you changed a diaper,

and now everyone on the internet has an opinion too.

We should get a badge for every judgment we face.

Here is my, I left my kid with the iPad for five hours badge.

I lost my kid in a parking lot badge.

I said oh, [BLEEP] in front of my kids badge.

Actually I have a few of those.

You can never judge a mom by her [BLEEP] show.

We are all doing the best we can.

Right, guys?

My sister-in-law likes that.

I want one.

Guys.

I'm all over that.

Really?

I'll get you one.

No one listens to me.

Seriously?

Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

To all you moms out there doing it right.

I am here with my lovely pals Maya Rudolph, Casey Wilson.

Hi, bud.

Hi.

And between us we have eight kids, I think.

You know, my grandma had 12 kids.

12 kids.

Talk about a [BLEEP] show.

I need to take that in.

But I feel like somehow the pressure

was less, because no one was taking pictures of it.

Right.

No one was documenting her every move.

Yeah, like no one was trolling my grandma.

Right, and they were like, oh, bump alert.

The internet with parenting.

The internet, it's very judgey.

Ya think?

A ton of judgments, but it also provides community.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let me read you a couple of these tweets.

I think this is going to make your day.

Where'd those cards come from?

Here's a tweet.

Oh, don't worry about it.

"Stop complaining about the mom traveling alone

with a bunch of screaming kids under five.

I'm buying that damn mom a drink."

Love it.

That's a great thing to tweet, right?

Unbelievable.

That's lovely.

Deserves a margarita machine, not just a drink.

I think a personal margarita machine.

I used to think moms who walked around with wet hair needed

to get it together.

Now I know the truth, they were bragging.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, I almost showed up to this with wet hair.

You never know what kind of day someone's

had, so cut them some slack.

Exactly.

Yeah, if I see a pedicure flip-flop

walking into the preschool, I applaud you.

Yeah, good for you.

Good for you.

My mom friends from pre-school and I used to say,

all we want to be is a middle mom.

Just give me, I don't need to have lashes and lipstick.

I also don't want to look like you just dragged me out

of the LA River.

I just need to be a middle mom.

Just dressed.

Yeah, where you haven't forgotten an undergarment.

Not Porky Pigging it.

Right.

I'm tired of new moms always seeing

their baby is such a good baby.

I just once want to hear a mom be like, yeah, no, my babies

a real [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

Over Christmas, my girlfriend was with me,

and she does have a lovely daughter,

and she's like, she's so easy.

And my son literally dragged me across restaurant and spit

in my face.

Aww.

And I was like, how are you feeling?

You're mad right now.

I can tell.

I can tell you're upset.

I can tell you're mad actually.

But I will say, just because I did once go through the whole,

my daughter is so easy phase, sometimes it

comes out of a reality, because my oldest daughter

at 21 months, we merely suggested

that she use the toilet in the other room.

Never wore a diaper beyond that.

And we were lying in bed giggling, my husband

and I like, why does everybody make such a big deal out

of potty training?

It's like so easy, just tell the kid to use the toilet.

Currently, my youngest is five and a half, still in diapers.

It's real relative, isn't it?

Yes, because every kid is so different.

I think having a girl before a boy is also a different thing,

because I was used to wiping a little baby vagina

and then you get that little baby down there,

and all of a sudden, he just peed in his own face,

and I felt so guilty.

It's also like, I think sanitary.

Oh, It's great for them.

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I want us to share our best [BLEEP] show story.

When you're done, you can ring this bell.

I showed up a little bit early to a birthday party.

It's really quiet, and I was like--

[LAUGHTER]

We are on time today, ring the bell, and it was the wrong day.

There was no birthday party that day.

I felt so good.

Ring that bell.

[DING]

OK, so I was at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

where there was like this huge play structure outside.

And so you could crawl through those nets,

you know, where the kids are like way up behind you.

And my kid got up there, and I was like,

I feel like he's a little too young,

and all the parents and kids are underneath,

and he just took off his diaper and peed on us all.

[LAUGHTER] [DING]

Yeah, you'd better ring that bell.

So baby pee is angel's tears.

Yes, so.

Yesterday actually, we were playing four square

and my little one rushes in, and she's like, I want to play.

I want to play.

I volleyball served with a--

she was a foot from my face--

directly into her nose.

No.

Yes.

And we had three friends over at the time.

They were all horrified, and I couldn't do anything but laugh.

Was it a bloody nose situation?

No.

Wow.

But she-- it hurt her feelings.

Felt aggressive to her maybe.

[DING]

I was at my son's pre-school a couple weeks ago,

and I know he was just in a not great mood,

and so I tried to make a joke, because he was just

kind of being a [BLEEP].

And I said, oh, it's like living, you know,

with a non-functioning alcoholic,

and everyone was like--

Like it is what it's like.

Yeah, but that's true.

True.

Not only is it funny, but it's a fact.

It's a fact.

My husband--

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

My husband is a currently functioning sober alcoholic,

and when he goes to his meetings on Tuesday

night, when he'd say to the little girls,

he'd go like, I gotta go to my AA meeting.

And they go, don't go, daddy.

I want to go to AA meeting.

And he looks at them, it's very sweetly,

and he says, don't worry, honey.

You will.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

Let's play Never Have I Ever.

We've got some paddles and more bells.

Oh, I love a paddle.

Never have I ever forgotten my child somewhere.

[DING]

I have.

Yeah, we left my son in the car at the Christmas tree lot

and just skipped inside to find our family tree.

[LAUGHTER]

Never have I ever told my kid it was later

than it was to get them to bed.

Wow.

[DING]

Pretended not to hear them crying so that my spouse would

deal with it.

[DING]

Follow up question.

Did your spouse actually deal with it,

or did you just spend 15 minutes sulking in bed

and then finally have to get up?

I would say that's 50-50.

My husband is an insomniac, and he

like is constantly taking like melatonin at night,

and trying to meditate before bed, and really get in there.

But then suddenly when one of the girls is crying,

he's like--

Out cold.

Out cold.

Never have I ever pulled my kids clothes out of the dirty hamper

and put it on them.

[DING]

Every day.

My daughter wants to wear the same black leggings every day,

so that's what she's going to wear.

Do it.

You do it until they're crispy, and then you wash them.

My son's been wearing-- and this is odd--

a bowtie to school every day.

Guess what?

I'm going to marry your son.

What a gent.

He's a delight.

Thank you.

Never have I ever told one of my kids they're my favorite.

I'm not allowed to do that.

Because we all have a favorite, but we can't--

You can't say it.

Wow, Kristen, I've never heard that spoken aloud.

You do though, right?

Of course.

Yeah, obviously.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So when you're out in the world or scrolling

through social media, please give

moms the benefit of the doubt.

Because odds are that mom is operating

on four hours of sleep, hasn't wash your hair in three days,

and is wearing yesterday's underwear

turned inside out of course.

We still have standards.

Obviously.