[CHEERING]

I've now guest hosted five times,

which means I now get my own parking spot as long as I

pay the meter and move by 6:00.

I checked the Television Academy rules.

And it also means that, if The Ellen Show wins an Emmy

award this season, I'm entitled to part of it.

So, yeah, it's true.

[CHEERING]

They have to break off the top.

And I keep the bottom.

Obviously-- oh, my God--

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Obviously, Ellen isn't here today.

Want to know why?

Why?

I'm so glad you said that.

Get this.

It's because she's contractually allowed to have

guest hosts fill in for her.

Normally, I'd make a joke about how she's home

counting her money, or she's getting a Brazilian butt lift,

or she's at Magic Mountain with their friends from Shutterfly.

But this is my fifth time.

And I'm just to be honest with you, no more games.

Clearly, they keep asking me back,

because I kill it every time like that last joke.

[CHEERING]

Awfully nice of you.

And when you've hosted as much as I have,

you learn a few things about the show.

For instance, did you know that Ellen's producer, Mary, never

goes home?

Yeah, they just pack her away in a broom closet

at the end of the day.

Yeah.

She's a lesbian.

And since I'm now a guest hosting expert,

I thought I'd take some time to review Ellen's other guest

hosts and dish out a little advice.

My first tip is never underestimate yourself.

Look what happened when Ellie Kemper guest hosted.

Here is how this game works.

All you have to do is roll this ball into that hole.

And if you do, you will win a prize.

So, does that seem easy?

It sounds good.

I'm going to take care of it.

All right.

Oh, I like your confidence!

I will show you how easy it is.

I am going to demonstrate first to show you how easy it is.

OK.

Oh, my gosh!

[CHEERING]

That never happens!

That never happens!

[CHEERING]

Yeah.

I love her.

I love that.

I think Ellie won $10,000, which means

she made more for that one show than I've made for all five

of mine.

My second tip is to play your strengths.

Josh Gad was here.

He's a Broadway performer like myself.

Here's how he opened the show.

(SINGING) Show like The Ellen Show.

No place that I'd rather go.

We're going to laugh, and dance, and have a little fun today.

Today, there's no place that I'd rather be.

We're one big, happy family.

I know everyone's name.

Isn't that right, Ricky?

It's Steve.

Yeah.

He did great.

Yeah, it was brilliant.

He gave it his all.

And he nailed it.

But he forgot Dave's name, which is an amateur mistake.

Dave and I go way back.

Isn't that right, Dave?

I'm Paul.

That's Dave.

Oh, you.

Finally-- and this is important-- you

have to assert dominance over your guests.

Make it clear that you are the alpha,

or they will walk all over you.

Look what happened when tWitch guest hosted and I welcomed

a little girl named ZaZa.

[MUSIC, NICKI MINAJ, "I LIKE IT"]

(SINGING) I like dollars.

I like diamonds.

I like stunting.

I like shining.

I like million dollars bills.

Where's my pen?

[INAUDIBLE] I'm signing.

I like those Balenciagas, oh, the ones that look like socks.

I like going to the jeweler.

I throw rocks all in my watch.

I like texts from my exes.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

The rest of that show was hosted by ZaZa.