Conan O'Brien here.

我是 Conan O'Brien。

I hope everyone watching this, right now, is being safe.

希望在看這支影片的每個人，現在都是安全的。

I hope you're washing your hands, and I hope like me, you're hunkered down at home.

我希望你有好好洗手，也希望像我一樣，你有好好待在家。

I thought maybe I could be of some help, by offering a life hack.

我想說，也許我能提供一些幫助，像是給你們一些生活秘訣。

Lot of people out there are worried, right now, about toilet paper.

很多人現在都因為衛生紙很緊張。

People are going to stores, and they seem to want more toilet paper than they could ever use in a six-year period, if they had continual diarrhea.

人們跑去商店，想買有持續性腹瀉才需要的、超過六年份的衛生紙。

And now it's gone!

結果衛生紙都沒了！

It's all gone and people are panicking.

全部賣光，人們就開始慌張。

I'm here to assure you, there are many things around the house you can use instead of toilet paper that work just as well.

我在這裡向你保證，家裡有很多東西，可以有跟衛生紙一樣的功效。

For example, CVS receipts.

像是 CVS (美國連鎖藥妝店) 的發票。

CVS receipts are long.

CVS 的發票都很長。

This was for just six tic tacs I bought.

我只是買了六盒 Tic Tacs，就拿到這張。

I never throw them away, 'cause I knew this day would come.

我沒有把發票丟掉，因為我預料到有天會用到。

Also, we all have these around the house, Valpak.

我們也會有這個東西，Valpak。

Valpak coupons.

Valpak 的折價券。

I know you never really use them.

我知道你其實不會使用它們。

Now, look at that, you can clean yourself with colorful coupons.

結果現在你可以用彩色的折價券清理自己了。

You probably have some stocks around the house, that aren't really worth as much as they used to be.

你也許有些股票在家，現在也沒以前值錢了。

These are mostly stocks I bought for Carnival Cruise Line.

這些幾乎都是我買的嘉年華遊輪公司的股票。

That laugh was too hard and too long.

剛剛那個大笑太用力又太長了。

I apologize.

我道歉。

You can use souvenir t-shirts.

你也可以用紀念 T 恤。

T-shirts someone gave you, you don't value, you hate them, you can't get rid of them.

有人送你的 T 恤，你不在意的、你討厭的、你丟不掉的 T 恤。

I have thousands of these.

我有幾千件。

So I've been wiping my ass with these 24/7.

所以我一天 24 小時、一週 7 天，都拿這些擦屁股。

Another thing, souvenir baseball caps, like this one.

例外一件東西也可以，紀念的棒球帽，就像這頂。

You're thinking: "Baseball cap, how does that work, Conan?"

你會想：「Conan，棒球帽要怎麼使用？」

You take your fist.

你握住拳頭。

You put it in the ball of the hat, right there.

把手放進帽子中央，就在這裡。

You jam that up in the area, and you work it around.

你把手塞緊，然後開始用力。

Just work that around!

儘管用力！

Works better than toilet paper.

比衛生紙更好用。

Really clean it, clean it well!

好好清乾淨，完全可以清乾淨！

One thing I would not recommend.

有一個東西我不推薦。

Marshmallow Peeps.

復活節的彩色糖果。

Trust me.

相信我。

It's not pleasant, and you end up kind of feeling bad for the little chick.

一點也不宜人，你最後會對糖果感到很抱歉。

Finally.

最後啦。

We all have them, pretentious coffee table books.

我們都有的，假掰的咖啡桌書。

I've had this on my coffee table for nine years.

我已經把這本書放在咖啡桌上九年了。

I don't know who De Kooning is!

我根本不知道 De Kooning 是誰！

What is that?

這又是啥？

That's not art!

這根本不是藝術！

Wipe your ass with it.

用這個擦屁股吧！

That's my life hack.

這就是我的生活秘訣。

I hope it's of use to you.

希望對你來說有用。

Stay well, take care, we'll talk to you soon.

保持健康、照顧好自己，我們之後見。