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  • The most common cause of death is called dying, and it kills about 55 million of us each year.

    最常見的死亡原因就叫「死掉」,每年大約有五千五百萬人死掉。

  • That's about one South Africa or two hundred star destroyers.

    大約是南非的人口,或是兩艘帝國級滅星艦的人。

  • And good news, it's your turn next because you've just become a competitor in the Suicide Olympics.

    好消息是,你可能是下一個,因為你剛剛成為自殺奧運的一員了!

  • Bet you didn't even know that was a thing, eh?

    你一定不知道有這件事,對吧?

  • The rules of the Suicide Olympics are as follows:

    自殺奧運的規則如下。

  • First place goes to whoever gets themselves killed in the most unlikely or unusual fashion.

    第一名,頒給以最不可能、最奇特的方式死掉的人,行吧?

  • The winner gets a billion dollars.

    贏家可以得到十億元。

  • Now this isn't Zimbabwe dollars or something, this is hard, American moolah.

    不是十億辛巴威幣,是美金喔!

  • Obviously if you win, you're dead, so you don't get the money personally.

    如果你贏了,代表你死了,所以你本人也不會拿到錢。

  • Your family does.

    是你的家人得到錢。

  • So, let's just pretend you give a shit about your family for a minute, yeah?

    好,我們就暫時假裝你很在乎你家人吧!

  • The twist is that it has to be an accident.

    重點是,必須是意外死亡。

  • You can't set it up in advance.

    你不能刻意去死。

  • So no flying a kite in a lightning storm or playing whose gun is it anyway with a policeman or something, it has to be an accident out of your control.

    所以不能在雷雨時放風箏、不能跟警察玩「哎呀這是誰的槍」的遊戲,反正必須是不可控的意外啦!

  • Now, if like me, you're balls to the wall scared of flying you might think: "Hey that's easy, I'll just fly crappy airlines, and wait for something to go wrong, right?"

    如果你跟我一樣,怕死搭飛機,你可能心想「哈哈超簡單啊,我只要搭很爛的航空公司,等出事就好,對吧?」

  • Yyeeeeee... no.

    對——不對。

  • The odds of being in a fatal plane crash are about one in 11,000,000 meaning if you flew every single day you've need to live about 30,000 years to actually get into an accident.

    你在一台會墜機的飛機的機率,大概是一千一百萬分之一,而即使你每天都搭飛機,你需要活大概三萬年才會真的遇上意外。

  • So that's not gonna butter any parsnips is it?

    所以這根本沒用,是吧?

  • Well, next best thing, you could become an astronaut.

    好,下件棒透了的事,你大可成為太空人。

  • That's about a one in 100 chance of dying on launch—I mean, that sounds a lot better, but considering you'll need at least a master's degree, practically perfect health, and testicles made entirely of steel, that does like a bit too much work.

    有百分之一的機會,你會在發射時死掉,雖然聽起來可能多了,但你至少需要碩士畢業、基本上完美的健康、鐵製的睪丸,有點太困難了。

  • Alright then...

    放棄吧,好嗎?

  • Bungee jumping: one in 100,000.

    高空彈跳,大概十萬分之一。

  • Mountain climbing?

    登山?

  • Mm, about one in 1700.

    嗯,大概一千七分之一。

  • Yeah, but in Nepal?

    但如果是在尼泊爾咧?

  • How about one in 160.

    大約是一百六十分之一。

  • Actually, if you get above 6000 meters it's more like one in 10.

    如果你到海拔線六千公尺以上,大概是十之分一。

  • Oh holla, now we're talking.

    讚啊,這才對。

  • But maybe you think that's cheating.

    但也許你覺得這是作弊。

  • Most people don't climb mountains.

    正常人哪會登山。

  • How about travel instead?

    如果是旅行呢?

  • About 1000 people are killed each year in Mexico by scorpions, 15,000 people are killed in India every year by snakes.

    每年大約有一千人,在墨西哥因蠍子而死,在印度則每年有約一萬五千人,因為蛇而死。

  • Or move to Africa.

    你也可以到非洲。

  • That's a hippo.

    有河馬。

  • Intimidating it isn't.

    很嚇人齁。

  • Well yes it is.

    就真的很嚇人。

  • Hippos belong from the pachyderm family, which is in fact Latin for "murder cow," and during a particularly bad year they can kill upwards of 3000 people.

    河馬屬於厚皮動物,pachyderm 來自拉丁文「超會殺」,如果這是很衰的一年,他們可以殺死大約三千人。

  • But still your best chance of dying is probably just to... live.

    但你最好的死亡機會,大概就是......活下去?

  • Because we suck at it.

    因為我們很不會這件事。

  • Last century about a hundred million people were killed by tobacco.

    上個世紀,大約有一億人死於菸草。

  • Likewise, if you're fat, pardon me, a person of weight, well, obesity killed about 300,000 people in the U.S. last year alone.

    如果你很胖,啊抱歉,如果你有點重量,去年因為肥胖,美國死了三十萬人。

  • 88,000 died by booze-related stuff.

    八萬八千人死於與酒精相關的物品。

  • Several hundred thousand to drug abuse, and on top of that, cancer kills about one in seven of us, heart disease kills about half of that, a stroke gets one in 23.

    幾十萬人死於濫用藥物,更可怕的是,七人中會有一人死於癌症,四人中有一人死於心臟疾病,二十三人中有一人死於中風。

  • All of this proving that probably everything you're scared of is very unlikely to actually kill you.

    這證明了啊,你擔心的大多事情,都不太可能會真的殺了你。

  • Chances are your death is going to be incredibly boring, so chin up, eh?

    比較有可能的是,你的死亡會超級無聊,所以笑一個吧,好嗎?

  • Actually, while we're at it, what about the odds of you just being born to begin with?

    既然都談到這裡了,你被生下來的機率又是多少?

  • Well, according to Dr. Ali Binazir who did the math on this one, pretty like low?

    根據 Ali Binazir 博士做的研究,好像很低喔?

  • Assuming your parents socialized like normal humans, the probability of them meeting was about one in 20,000.

    假設你的父母跟正常人類一樣社交,他們相遇的機率大約是兩萬分之一。

  • The odds that they even have a kid, given global trends?

    依據世界潮流,他們有小孩的機率咧?

  • About one in 2,000.

    大約是兩千分之ㄧ。

  • Now assuming they did meet, and your mom thought your dad wasn't a jerk, and he managed to ignore the fact that she considered the Star Wars prequels better than the originals, and they actually did the sexy times, the odds that you would be born, of that sperm hooking up with that eggin particular are about one in 400.

    假設他們認識了,你媽不覺得你爸是混蛋,你爸也忽略你媽覺得《星際大戰》前傳比正傳好看的事實,他們有享受啪啪時光,你實際出生、精子成功進入卵子的機率,大約是四百分之一——

  • Quadrillion.

    啊,是四百「千兆」分之一。

  • And that's not even the half of it, because before the egg, before your mum and dad met, there is of course all of your ancestors who all had to get laid, and just taking that about 100,000 generations back, we're talking about 10 to the power of 45,000 that they would all meet, but now we have to calculate the odds of every single one of those 100,000 meetings between your ancestors would work out, and those sperms and eggs would match up, well that comes out at about 1 in ten to the power of 2,640,000 which is a number so big you can't even, well you know like a bag of M&Ms?

    但機率甚至該更小,在受精卵、在你爸媽相遇前,你的祖先當然也得啪啪,大約回到十萬代以前,他們相遇的機率是十的四萬五千次方分之一,而大約有十萬分之一的機率是他們會在一起,精子和卵子成功結合的機率,又是十的兩百六十四萬次方分之一,這數字根本大到無法計算,呃,你知道 m&m 巧克力吧?

  • Well, it's a few trillion of those.

    就像幾兆顆的 m&m 巧克力。

  • Timesed by all the particles in the universe.

    乘以宇宙裡所有的粒子。

  • Multipled by Jabba the Hutt's waist measurement.

    再乘以赫特人賈巴的腰圍。

  • With a cherry on top.

    再加上一顆櫻桃。

  • It's big alright.

    反正分母太大了啦!

  • All in all, flying is pretty safe, your death is going to be boring, and your birth was rarer than a fucking Mewtwo.

    總體而言,飛行很安全,你的死亡會很無趣,你的出生比他 X 的超夢還稀有。

  • (French) Au Revoir.

    (法文) 掰啦。

The most common cause of death is called dying, and it kills about 55 million of us each year.

最常見的死亡原因就叫「死掉」,每年大約有五千五百萬人死掉。

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英式幽默!各種可能的死亡方式機率 (How You're Probably Going to Die)

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    lauren.huang 發佈於 2020 年 05 月 30 日
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