it seems like everything is getting delivered

to our doorstep.

Last year, my cousin was pregnant,

and her baby showed up in an Amazon envelope.

Yeah. They saved on hospital bills and free shipping.

But if you're one of the millions of people

waiting for a holiday package to be delivered to you,

you better watch out--

because some assholes are coming to town.

NEWSMAN: Faster than they arrived,

packages can disappear.

Tonight, porch pirates are striking across the country,

just as a record number of deliveries are being made.

Captured on camera but not always caught by police,

The New York Times says nationwide,

more than 1.7 million packages are stolen or go missing

every day, 90,000 in New York City alone,

an astonishing $25 million in lost goods and services

across the country.

Sweet Lord!

Two million packages stolen a day.

90,000 in New York alone.

I mean, I only steal, like, two or three a week,

-but I guess it adds up. -(laughter)

And by the way,

why is the news calling them "porch pirates"?

These people just steal shit.

That's just got called "thief."

Don't be making people sound cooler than they are.

"Oh, I'm a Walgreens pirate!"

-No, you're a shoplifter! -(laughter)

A real porch pirate would attack your porch with a crew

and then take it over.

Yeah. The house would still be yours, but every morning

you'd have to swashbuckle your way to your car.

Just like, "Ya! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

"I'm out! Aw, shit, I forgot my phone.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Be like, "Aargh! You win this time, Steve!

But we'll see you when the sun sets! Arrgh!"

"Actually, I have a lot of work, so I'm gonna be home late."

"Again, Steve?!

"Your marriage is suffering! Aargh!

The other day your son called me Dad!"

(laughter)

(applause)

-(cheering, whistling) -But...

but no matter what you call them,

stolen packages are clearly an epidemic.

And the police have come up with a few novel solutions

to fight this crime.

NEWSWOMAN: The rampant theft has the sheriff's department

in Washington County, Oregon, going on offense,

planting bait packages on front steps

to catch culprits and deter potential criminals.

Once the package is picked up, police use

a combination of GPS, cell phone signal,

even radio frequency to track it down.

In Round Rock, Texas, one police station

creating Operation Front Porch.

Instead of risking theft at your home,

you have your packages sent to the police station for pickup.

We'll store it and categorize it,

and we ask you to come pick it up within three days.

A place where you keep your packages secure

so customers can come pick them up?

My man, you've just invented a store.

(laughter)

And don't get me wrong...

don't get me wrong, it's nice that the police are helping,

but I'm gonna be honest, I think the police already have

too many jobs in America.

Police have to solve crimes, they have to direct traffic,

they have to find shelter for the homeless,

they have to do social work, answer white ladies calling 911.

Now they're working retail, too?

So what, you're gonna have cops coming up to your car window

like, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "Uh..."

"'Cause we got these new boots you're gonna love!"

(laughter, applause)

So... the police are doing what they can

to stop package theft, but in many cases,

you're gonna want to call Animal Control as well.

NEWSWOMAN: A Los Angeles homeowner can rest easy

after learning who was stealing packages from his front door.

You see it right there.

Turns out it was this little guy.

Surveillance video caught this sneaky squirrel in the act,

grabbing an Amazon package and dragging it away.

It appears the porch pirate has been pretty active.

The owner says he frequently finds his packages

in the bushes around the apartment complex.

Yeah, you didn't see that coming, huh?

A squirrel stealing packages.

I bet you thought it would be, like, a raccoon

'cause they look like criminals with that mask,

but you know what? That's profiling.

Because statistically,

squirrels and raccoons steal at the same rate,

but no one suspects the squirrels

'cause of cute privilege.

(laughter)

You know, what's funny about this whole thing, though,

is because the squirrel takes the package

and then throws it away in the bush,

it's almost like the squirrel is hoping

there's gonna be acorns in there and always gets disappointed.

Just like, "Damn it! Another iPhone.

"Someday, they'll have to buy acorns.

It's all anybody eats. It's all anybody eats."

So, when you're having gifts delivered this holiday season,

please keep an eye on your packages.

And if you forget to buy someone a gift,

at least now you have the perfect excuse.

"Yarr! It was the porch pirate. Arr!"