to learn more and more about coronavirus,

governments around the world are doing their best

to contain the crisis.

In Israel, anyone entering the country has

to go into a 14-day quarantine.

In India, they're sending coronavirus alerts

to all one billion cell phones.

And in Washington, D.C., President Trump has said,

in order to prevent the spread of the disease,

he'll stop shaking hands and go back

-to grabbing people by the pussy. -(groaning)

But while governments are doing what they can,

as individuals, we've also been told that we,

we ourselves can change our behavior

to help stop the spread of the coronavirus.

You know, for instance, wash your hands for 20 seconds,

cough into your elbow, and whatever you do,

do not look into a mirror and say "coronavirus" three times.

-That's how it comes out. -(laughter)

And now, the latest instruction is

for everyone to get some space.

We've come to embrace the term "social distancing"

from the Centers for Disease Control,

talking about leaving space in large event areas.

WOMAN 2: That means avoiding group gatherings,

plus, crowded subways and buses.

WOMAN 3: Social distancing in action.

-Social distancing. -Social distancing.

Social distancing.

WOMAN 4: The new coronavirus buzz phrase.

Yes.

The buzz phrase of the moment is "social distancing,"

also known as "Don't breathe on me, bitch!"

(laughter)

And this looks like

it could be a pretty big change for our society.

Although, it's also the perfect excuse

if you've been wanting to break up with someone.

Just be like, "Hey, baby, you know I love you,

"but the World Health Organization--

they just... they say we need some space."

(laughter)

Actually wish social distancing was a thing

when I was in middle school.

Yeah, 'cause it would have made all the times

I ate alone in the bathroom seem way more responsible.

I'll be like, "I'm not a loser!

I'm social distancing!"

(laughter)

Now, although it sounds fancy,

all "social distancing" means is keeping people

from congregating together in one place.

Sort of like the opposite

of what you guys are doing right now.

-(laughter) -Yeah. You know. You know what I'm saying.

-(applause and cheering) -Like, yeah!

Live a little!

It's why you've been hearing

about all kinds of events being canceled lately.

Coachella-- postponed, South by Southwest-- canceled.

Even Bernie and Biden both canceled their rallies tonight,

which actually didn't hurt Bernie Sanders at all,

because his voice is so loud,

whether you come to the rally or not,

you're still gonna hear his message.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just out there, like, telling you,

"We need Medicare for..."

I bet there's aliens in space

-who now support Medicare for All. -(laughter)

They're just... they're like,

"This earthling makes a good point.

"Medicare should cover our anal probes.

We're paying too much."

And now, people are taking social distancing so seriously,

even schools all over America are kicking kids out.

MAN: Schools from coast to coast are closing this morning

to clean the classrooms.

Ohio State University just became the latest college

to cancel in-person classes.

Harvard now among the colleges and universities

telling students, "Don't come back from Spring break."

WOMAN: Parents with children at Treadwell

middle and elementary schools are not playing around.

Don't nobody want their child to be sick,

and don't nobody want to take their virus to their house.

WOMAN: Many wipe their kids down,

and some even sprayed them with disinfectant spray

as they took them home Monday.

-Yo! -(laughter, clamoring)

(laughing): Yo.

Yo, the parents at this school are really serious.

Like, the mom is fighting with the virus,

this dad is not taking chances.

Did you see how much spray he used?

His kid is never getting corona...

or a date to the prom.

(laughter)

And that spraying technique will only work

if you have one or two kids.

But if you're like those religious families on TLC,

you have to invest in a crop duster.

-That's what you're gonna need. -(laughter)

But it's not just schools.

More and more companies are telling their employees

to work from home.

The only issue is, much of the American workforce

can't afford to take that advice.

WOMAN: As unease grows about job security,

many workers are wondering if they get paid

if they're forced to stay home because of coronavirus.

U.S. Federal law currently does not guarantee sick leave.

Less than 60% of blue-collar workers get paid time off.

We're talking about ride share drivers, cashiers and servers.

So, I work for Uber, Lyft, Grubhub,

DoorDash, Postmate, Amazon Flex.

We don't have the luxury to stay home,

even when we are sick, not just, like, from coronavirus,

from any kind of infected disease.

Okay, does that guy work for every app on our phone?

(laughter)

Did you hear his list?

So what, like, you get an Uber home, he's driving,

then you order dinner on Grubhub,

he shows up with the food,

you open Tinder later for some action,

-he's like, "Me again!" -(laughter)

I wouldn't even be surprised if he's also your calculator app.

You're just like, "What's 250 divided by seven?"

He's like, "Okay, hold on, sir, let me think.

Carry the one, move that..."

But in all seriousness, all seriousness, right,

social distancing is not an option

for much of America's workforce.

Because without paid leave, many people have to work

despite the danger.

Which is insane when you think about it.

Like, imagine if Godzilla was attacking a city,

but delivery people still had to keep doing their jobs.

It's like, "Aah! Godzilla! Godzilla!

"Oh, here's your pad Thai.

"Uh, sorry, some of the soup spilled

"because of the kaiju. Thank you very much.

Aah...!"

And everyone, from schools to businesses,

festivals, political rallies, everyone is doing their part

to keep their social distance.

But it turns out...

one of the groups who's most at risk

just D-G-A-F.

NEWSMAN: The CDC recommends people over the age of 60

practice social distancing.

There are few signs seniors are listening.

At this softball game at the village outside Orlando,

most of the players are in their 60s, 70s,

even 80s.

The only thing they say they've been told to cut back on

is their postgame high-five.

72-year-old Rick Sanford isn't keen on any suggestion

he change his lifestyle.

Well, I'll be frank and say I think that's bogus,

and I think it's something that each individual

has to decide upon their own.

Wait, wha...?

I'm sorry, that-that's insane.

You don't just get to decide what you think about a disease.

That's not a thing. No one's in the doctor's office

like, "Doc, be honest, is it bad?"

and the doctor's like, "Eh, it's up to you. Yeah."

It's actually funny how all of us here

are working on social distancing to protect old people,

who are the most at risk,

but then old people are just out there living their best life.

Yeah. They're just like, "Good luck distancing yourself

"from these hips. Aah.

These hips. Did... Aah!

-These hips, these hips. Aah!" -(laughter)

And you know, folks, that's the problem with this generation.

We've sacrificed so much for them, and all they care about

is their dancing and their goofing around.

-(laughter) -And you know what, Grandpa Rick?

If that's the way you want to play it,

"then we'll have no option but to get that spray dad

and hose you geriatric delinquents down!