ever since the United States killed Qasem Soleimani,

Iranian general and evil Sean Connery.

And everyone was wondering how Iran would respond.

Well, last night, we found out.

NEWSMAN: Overnight, Iran taking revenge,

launching a barrage of missiles

targeting two U.S. military bases

and coalition troops in Iraq.

REPORTER 2: This, Iran said, was its vengeance

for the U.S.'s killing of its top general.

There were at least two waves of attacks.

Then Iran's foreign minister tweeted

his country was ready to step back

if there was no American counterattack.

REPORTER: And this morning, no reports of U.S. coalition

or Iraqi casualties.

We've just heard from the Iraqi prime minister's office

that they did indeed receive notification from the Iranians

that there would be a strike.

That was a full five hours and 45 minutes

before those missiles came in.

That's right. Last night, Iran launched 15 missiles

at American forces in Iraq.

But in an interesting twist,

they killed no one, hurt no one

and gave the Iraqi bases a six-hour heads-up,

which is a lot of warning.

It's almost like they were sitting there, like,

"Let's give them one-hour notice."

It's like, "But, sir, what if they're watching The Irishman?"

"Okay.

"Six hours. Give them six hours.

They need time."

(applause)

So, Iran fired 15 missiles,

gave one giant warning and basically missed everything,

which most people agree means

that Iran wants this thing to go away.

They wanted to respond to-to the United States

in a way that would let them keep their pride

but then also not in a way

that would escalate this conflict into a war.

In fact, in international diplomacy,

this type of action is known

as a "hold me back, bro."

And... and, clearly, it worked.

It clearly worked.

Because after the missile attack,

President Trump sent out a tweet saying,

"All is well."

Yeah. Which was hilarious,

because the tweet was composed like Trump was writing a letter

from the front lines of the Civil War.

-"My dearest Twitter, -(fiddle playing)

"all is well!

"Missiles launched from Iraq.

"So far, so good.

"I hope to see you soon.

"Please kiss Ivanka for me and not Eric.

"Sincerely, Donald.

"#MAGA

#ReadTheTranscript"

(cheering and applause)

So...

It seemed like Iran was stepping down,

Trump was happy with their decision

and, today, the president addressed the nation

to give everybody an update.

And-- I'm not gonna lie--

the address started out a little weird.

(shutters clicking)

As long as I'm president of the United States,

Iran will never be allowed to have

a nuclear weapon.

Good morning.

(laughter)

Okay. Okay.

I-Is it-- is it just me

or-or did Trump find a way to make this national address

sound like the beginning of an infomercial? Yeah?

"Iran will never have nuclear weapons.

"Hi, I'm Donald Trump.

Tired of missile strikes when you aren't even home?"

So, a really weird start.

But, fortunately, once Trump got into the meat of his speech,

he reassured everybody that, at least for the moment,

the beef with Iran has been squashed.

Iran appears to be standing down,

which is a good thing for all parties concerned

and a very good thing for the world.

The civilized world must send a clear and unified message

to the Iranian regime:

your campaign of terror, murder, mayhem

will not be "toler-ited" any longer.

(sniffs) These historic "accompliment-shades"

are strategic priorities.

(groans)

Whoa, what-what was that?

"Toler-ited"?

"Accompliment-shades"?

Trump's mouth was missing more targets

than those Iranian missiles. Just...

And, now-- and, now, personally...

(cheering, applause)

Personally, honestly, I'm glad.

I'm glad that Iran and Donald Trump seem to have agreed

to let things settle down. Right?

'Cause Trump got what he wanted--

kill the general and it didn't escalate into anything.

This is a win for him. But I pray,

I pray that Donald Trump doesn't start watching Fox News again

anytime soon, because, for them, all is not well.

They're gonna get hit hard.

Their hostility will now be met

with the full force of the greatest, most advanced,

most sophisticated military this world has ever seen.

This president will unleash holy hell on that regime.

The mullahs only understand one language,

and that's the language of death.

Um, sadly. And if death is what we have to give them

to stop this, then, sadly, that's what we have to do.

Number one, target not just the oil

but target the launch sites that fired those 15 missiles today.

Ollie North is right. It's-- It-it is oil refineries,

oil infrastructure.

It is key missile sites.

It's nuclear development sites.

Throw in some ports, key infrastructure

and, you know what, why not a Quds headquarters,

uh, for-for good nature on top of it.

What? "Throw in some ports

and infrastructure while you're at it"?

This is wild.

This dude is just adding bombing targets

like he's making impulse buys at the register.

"You know what? Throw in Chapstick and Snickers

"and a drone strike at an airport,

'cause Daddy got paid!"