and today, we're going to talk about Joan of Arc.

Our story begins in France,

in the year 1412.

The Hundred Years' War is raging in Europe

in between France and England.

So Joan of Arc was a peasant girl.

She's 13 years old, she's in a field,

but then, all of a sudden, she hears voices.

We have a mission for you.

And she was like... [squeaking] What?

[normally] Who even are you guys?

And they were like, I'm St. Michael,

I'm St. Margaret,

and I'm St. Catherine,

and they're like,

all we want is for you to go to church

and just, like, be cool and chill and obedient.

She's like, that's it?

And they're like, yeah, that's it.

The King of France was King Charles VI.

People around him get him to sign a peace treaty

that will end the Hundred Years' War.

He has a son, also named Charles--

Charles of Valois--

also called "the Dauphin."

So when his father

signed this peace treaty,

it was disinheriting him from the throne.

[dramatic music]

Gosh darn it!

- It's just one little drop.

- It's been happening this whole time.

- [chuckles]

- Okay. So, Joan is now a 16-year-old girl in a 16--

[fly buzzes]

In a 16-year-old world

and these voices, they're like,

hey, girl, you need to lead France to victory

and get Charles Valois crowned

as the rightful King of France,

and she was like, ha! You guys!

That's not what you told me the first time, you guys.

They're like, you need to go to this lord gentleman

named Baudricourt.

He's gonna help you get Charles crowned.

Then she runs away from home

to Lord Baudricourt.

She arrives, and Joan's like, hello, I am Joan,

and I am here because

v--saints talked to me in my head

and it is God's will to have Charles of Valois

crowned the rightful King of France.

Lord Baudricourt is straight-up like,

[spoken as teenage girl] Get this crazy girl

back to her home,

but like then, what happens is that

she gets, kind of like, a following.

People have heard about Joan of Arc,

and they are on board.

Lord Baudricourt is like,

okay, well, actually, we can work with this,

and Joan's like,

cut off my hair and dress me in men's clothes

so I don't get raped, and he's like, okay.

Because it was really dangerous

'cause she's a woman.

Ugh. God, the Middle Ages.

I'm glad we're not in them.

- Amen.

- Too harsh to women,

and the breath was bad. - [chuckles]

- So they arrive at Chinon, and Charles of Valois is like,

um, wait, who's here?

And they're like, a 16-year-old girl

who hears the voices of saints,

and he's like, okay, you know what?

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put on this big goofy mustache

and this big floppy hat

and I'm gonna trick her

and I'm gonna see if she knows what's up.

And so, he's just, like,

[goofy voice] I'm just a courtier,

I'm just a regular old courtier,

and she walks in, and she's like...

[sighs] You're Charles of Valois.

You are my rightful king.

He's like, wow.

[claps slowly]

- Slow clap.

- He slow claps her.

Can you believe that he slow claps her?

- The first slow clap.

- Yeah, it was the first slow clap.

And so, he's like, great!

Because we want the same thing,

which is for me to be King of France.

So Joan was like,

okay, dude, give me an army.

I want that army. Ooh, give me that army!

And he's like, okay, guess what?

Army bestowed.

[triumphant music]

She sets out with this army to Orleans.

So they get there

and they were like, okay, here's what's up.

We have to strategize.

We have to think about this logically.

We have to make plans, and Joan was like,

Guess the [bleep] what?

No!

We got to just go for it, you guys!

Only 'cause God wants us to do it.

and they're like, oh, my gosh, God?

Yeah, he's the tops.

We are going to just

freaking... Ugh.

I hate it when people say "freaking."

- Then say it differently.

- So then they just [bleep]

go for it

and they are like, attacking and attacking,

and attacking the English,

and Joan is in the thick of it,

and she is not shying away,

and then thwup!

She gets hit in the shoulder with an arrow.

But here's what's amazing: the English surrender,

and they're like, fine! White handkerchief.

White handkerchief.

- You do "handkercheef" instead of "handkerchif."

- Yes. Handkercheef. - Hm.

- Handkerchief. Yeah, I do. - Okay.

- And everyone's like, we did it!

And we did it because Joan of Arc

led us to this point!

[triumphant music]

Charles of Valois, the Dauphin,

is crowned King of France

and everyone's like, yay.

[quietly clapping]

- [laughs]

- Then, Charles of Valois is like,

now I want you to go to Paris and take Paris.

She's like, cool, I'll do it!

So Joan goes to Paris

and she shoots a bunch of arrows

Waa! [makes popping noise] Waa! [makes popping noise]

But in the midst of this battle,

Joan is captured, and they're like,

we got you! Ooh, did we ever get you!

You are marins wen's clo--

You are wearing men's clothes, and now, girlfriend,

that means you got to be burned at the stake,

and she's like,

[bleep].

Joan of Arc, 19 years old, is put onto a wooden stake,

and then, um, they light it on fire.

Phew!

And then she starts calling out for her saints,

and she's like, St. Michael,

the big kahuna of saints, St. Michael!

St. Margaret!

Okay, St. Catherine!

St. Catherine, St. Margaret,

St. Catherine, St. Michael, St. Margaret,

St. Catherine!

It's like, cricket, cricket, cricket,

and everybody's just watching this 19-year-old woman

just get burnt alive at the stake.

So then Joan--she dies.

The end.

Is it redundant to believe in your own beliefs?

I don't care, and neither did Joan.

Here's the thing about 17-year-olds.

At that time:

standing in a field, blinking.

At this time:

looking at Instagram, blinking.

Joan of Arc:

leading an army!

- [chuckles]

- I'm not saying you need to aspire to more,

but, like, maybe aspire to more.

Like, maybe lead an army or two

or one or two.