There's only one thing left to do --

make cold calls to normal, everyday Americans

and try to win back their support.

[ Line ringing ]

Congratulations, you're speaking to Donald Trump.

I'm calling undecided voters

who are way less rich and way less successful than me.

What poor loser am I speaking to?

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Mike Bloomberg.

-Wait a second.

The Michael Bloomberg of Bloomberg News and Bloomberg TV?

-That's right.

-And "Bloomberg Med" and "Chicago Bloomberg"

and "Bloomberg 3: Tokyo Drift"?

-Sure, Donald. -Well, this is fantastic.

I was gonna ask you for your vote,

but now that I have you on the phone,

how about I just ask you some questions like an interview?

Even a stable genius like me would like to pick

Mike Bloomberg's very smart, very huge brain.

-You know I'm running against you, right?

-Like I said -- very dumb brain.

It's a teeny-tiny, very small brain.

Okay, let's get started --

Why exactly are you running for president?

-Well, I've joined the race

to return our country to sanity and honesty...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...so we can be proud of America again,

and step one is giving you a New York goodbye.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

What's a New York goodbye?

-Sending you back to Queens in a Yellow Cab

while Times Square Elmo flips you off.

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

-Wow. That's very mean, Mike. Very mean. Very nasty.

Very nasty. Very nasty answer.

Didn't expect that from you. Very, very nasty.

Next question -- What makes you think

you'd be a better president than me?

And you can't cheat and use facts.

[ Laughter ]

-Well, let's see -- I'm a self-made businessman,

a proven leader, and a New York icon,

whereas you just play those things on TV.

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

Plus, I was mayor of the greatest city in America

with the greatest audience in the world.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Well, I do love New York City mayors.

I even keep one as a pet. Good boy.

Good boy. Good boy.

But, anyway, this is the big leagues, Mike,

the bigly big leagues, so let me ask --

What would you do if you got to sit where I'm sitting?

-Well, first, I'd wipe the KFC grease off the seat...

[ Laughter ]

...maybe take some of those Kid Rock posters off the walls,

and then I'd tackle key issues like climate change

and gun safety and income inequality...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...which would mean raising taxes on billionaires.

-Wait. I'm gonna have to pay more in taxes?

-No, I said billionaires.

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

-That was a low blow, Mike.

I'm actually a very successful person just like you.

I've created and run many beautiful businesses,

and none of them have failed...

besides the casinos.

-And the university? -Oh, yeah.

-And the magazine. -That's right.

-And the steaks. -Uh-huh.

-And the water. -Forgot about that one.

-And the board game. -I did that?

-And the vodka. -Pour one out.

-And the airline. -Okay! Okay! Okay!

Let's change the subject! I don't like this.

I don't like this game.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Here's one more very perfect, very important question --

Are you watching the Super Bowl this weekend?

-Yes, I am. Actually, I have a 60-second commercial

airing during the game.

-Really? Me, too. What's yours about?

-It's about an important issue facing our country right now

and how I can use my experience as a mayor and business leader

to bring America forward.

-Cool.

In my commercial, I get really angry, then I eat a Snickers bar

and turn into Betty White.

[ Laughter ]

-Well, it's been a fun interview, "Mini" Mike.

That's my nickname for you, by the way, Mini Mike.

Do you have any nicknames for me?

-Well, usually, I just call you that [bleep].

[ Laughter ]

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Stop that! I've heard enough.

I've heard enough.

I guess you learn a lot of colorful words in New York City.

Rudy! No! Rudy!

I got to go, Mike. Rudy just peed on the carpet.

No, Rudy! Bad boy! Rudy!