Now, if you're looking to get an introvert, you can either adopt a baby one, known as a "Shylet," or rescue an adult from an introvert shelter, generally referred to as a "Library."

那麼，如果你想擁有一個內向者，你可以領養一個「害羞寶寶」，或是從內向者收容所，也就是「圖書館」中拯救一名成人。

On arriving home, show your new introvert the location of the litter tray, the feeding bowl, and any windows it can jump out of in case the doorbell rings.

一到家，就帶你的內向者熟悉各個位置：貓砂盆、食物碗，和當門鈴一響起他們就能跳出去的窗戶。

A pair of introverts is called an "Awkward."

兩隻內向者叫「尷尬」。

A group of introverts is called an "Angst."

一群內向者叫作「焦慮」。

They are generally never found together in the wild except by accident, in which case they will apologize for making eye-contact, nod politely, then run screaming in opposite directions.

除非有意外，不然在野外他們永遠不會待在一起，不然的話他們就會為了眼神交流道歉，禮貌的點頭示意，然後分別往反方向落荒而逃。

Contrary to popular belief, introverts don't dislike human company.

有別於多數人的認知，內向者並不討厭他人的陪伴 。

(They just utterly despise it.) Interaction with introverts can be problematic.

（他們只是打從心裡的鄙視它）和內向者互動有點麻煩。

A typical conversation might run:

你們的對話通常會長這樣：

Extrovert: Hi.

外向者：嗨。

Introvert: Helloooo!

內向者：尼～豪～

Extrovert: How's it going?

外向者：最近過得好嗎？

Introvert: Yes.

內向者：對～

Introvert: (F**k!)

內向者：（os:幹）

Extrovert:What?

外向者：蛤？

Introvert: Haha, how about that much anticipated sports match last night eh?

內向者：哈哈，那個怎麼樣啊，昨天晚上的運動比賽，大家都很期待的那個，嗯？

Extrovert: What?

外向者：什麼？

Introvert: Fu...!

內向者：ㄍ…… ！

Introvert: Stuff over here to do a bit now. Better runaroo.

內向者：這裡……事情……有些要做，現在。最好快閃。

Extrovert: What?

外向者：你說什麼？

Introvert: Mmmnnnnnnne-eeeeaaaaaaaa.

內向者：啊啊啊啊啊啊。

Extrovert: What?

外向者：什麼？

Introvert: (F**k!)

內向者：（os:幹）

Introversion itself probably results from a genetic mutation.

內向可能起源於基因突變。

In fact, introvert DNA is oriented in parallel lines, as the two chains are too embarrassed to twist around on each other.

事實上，內向者的 DNA 呈平行線排列，就像兩條害羞的鏈子尷尬到不敢互相纏繞。

This leads to an enlarged "Sorrybellum" and a malformed "Anxietal Lobe".

這導致「道歉小腦」以及「焦慮額葉」的膨大。

However, introverts make for excellent fighting animals.

不過呢，內向者是種擁有高超吵架能力的動物。

They will level up from Occasional Reader, to Social Hermit, then with enough experience evolve into their final form: Professional EVE Online Player.

他們會從「小書呆」進化成「厭世隱士」，然後賺到足夠經驗值後就能進化成最終形態：「職業《星戰前夜》玩家」。

The introvert class comes with a low-maintenance cost, but extremely high embarrassment risk.

飼養內向者的成本極低，但尷尬害羞的風險極高。

Against extroverts, they can use the "Retreat to Toilet" move, to recover HP.

和外向者決鬥時，他們能使出「尿遁」來回血。

Deploy the "Agreeable Conversation" defense block, but are totally useless against the "Direct Eye-Contact" attack.

運用「同意對話」來防禦，但面對「直接眼神接觸攻擊」完全就是個廢物。

If you want to reward your introvert, why not treat it to, a colorful toy, a tummy rub?

如果要給內向者獎賞的話，何不考慮：繽紛玩具和摸肚肚？

Not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions ever.

永遠不要勉強他們公開發表自己的情緒。

And not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions fucking ever.

真的真的永遠不要勉強他們公開發表自己的情緒。

Mistreating your introvert may prompt a visit from the "Antisocial Services."

用錯誤方式對待內向者可能招致「反社交」工作者到府拜訪。

So try to avoid: belittling your introvert in front of its friends, manhandling the first editions of books, talking shit about Kurt Vonnegut, or insisting on phoning rather than texting.

所以避免：在你的內向者的朋友面前貶低他、霸佔第一刷的書、講Kurt Vonnegut 的幹話、 或是堅持打電話而不傳訊息。

Failure to observe these instructions may result in your introvert exhibiting extremely backhanded compliments, a lack of polite sign-offs at the end of e-mails, or serving your tea only lukewarm and it tasting suspiciously like piss.

若你沒有照著以上的指示，可能導致你的內向者出現挖苦的稱讚、在email的結尾沒有寫禮貌性祝福語、或是端給你一杯溫的茶，而且嚐起來像尿。

Like most humans, introverts do have romantic tendencies.

像大部分的人一樣，內向者也會想談戀愛。

Generally, the mating call goes something like:

基本上，求偶的過程如下：

Sorry I... don't mean to interrupt but... is someone sitting here?

抱歉，我不是有意要打擾，但，這個位子有人坐嗎？

No?

沒有嗎？

Ah...

呃。

Hmmm....

啊。翻譯：

Actually, I... I think I left the gas on.

我想我忘記關瓦斯了。

Goodbye forever!

永遠不見！

Directness can also be an issue.

不打直球也是個問題。

How's it going? Generally equates to: I find you very attractive.

「你好嗎？」其實等於「我覺得你超正」。

Hope to see you again! = I'm falling quite madly in love.

「希望能再見」等於「我墜入愛河無法自拔了」

And, "I think about you occasionally", translates as: "I would literally remove my ears with a rusty spoon just to see you with your socks off."

還有「我時常想起你耶」，可以翻成「「我真的可以用生鏽湯匙挖下我的耳朵 ，只為了看你脫下襪子。」

Dating an introvert can be quite an experience.

和內向者交往會是十分有趣的經驗。

A romantic evening might consist of the two of you having a glass of wine and reading a book together, separated only by being in different countries, and communicating in no way whatsoever.

一個浪漫夜晚可能會是你們倆個一起喝紅酒配書，但是相距好幾個國家，也不會有任何交流。

If you grow tired of your introvert, no need to pawn it off on a friend, simply disconnect the router, or suggest that it might've offended someone slightly, and it will quietly run away in the night.

如果你對你的內向者厭倦了 ，不必用不實廣告把它轉售給朋友，只要拔掉網路線，或是告訴他，他可能會有一點點冒犯到別人了，他就會在深夜自己默默離開。

Owners do occasionally come to resemble their pets.

主人時常和寵物很像。

You yourself might be an introvert without realizing, if you...

你自己可能就是一個內向者，只是你沒有察覺，如果你發現……

Find yourself mentally exhausted after hanging out with people, even those you like.

自己和人相處後超疲憊，就算是和喜歡的人也是。

Enjoy dining or going to the movies alone.

享受一個人吃飯、看電影。

Go to leave your apartment, notice your neighbor is out in the hallway, then suddenly grow convinced that you need to go back inside to do some "important stuff."

離開家門時發現鄰居在走廊上，然後突然覺得有必要回到家裡做些「重要的事」。

Consider small talk the verbal equivalent of integral calculus.

覺得寒暄聊天和微積分是一樣的

Or utilize a ten-point grading system in your head for how the conversation is going so far...

或是你會在腦海中，利用十個等級衡量對話目前的狀況……

With the Postman.

……和郵差講話時。

In any case though, if you're looking for a pet that isn't constantly defacing the furniture, or trying to murder you in your sleep, why not get an introvert?

如果你正在找一隻寵物，又不希望他一直破壞傢俱，或是趁你睡覺的時候殺了你，何不考慮看看內向者呢？

Not as good as dogs, but much less likely to piss everywhere.

比不上狗，但比較不會到處尿尿。

Bye.

掰囉。