of Donald Jambalaya Trump.

And no big surprise--

he was acquitted by the Republican-run Senate,

-which was never in doubt. -(booing)

Yeah, yeah. (a la Obama): Don't boo. Vote.

-(cheering) -See, impeachment...

(cheering and applause)

...was...

Was-- No. Like, everyone knew where this was going.

This-this was like a movie where you can guess

what was gonna happen without even watching it, you know?

Like Titanic. Okay, it's a ship that's gonna sink.

Or Sophie's Choice. Some lady has to decide

which dude she's gonna bone.

I get it. I get it.

So, with the outcome never in doubt,

the only really drama today was whether any Republicans

would dare vote against Donald Trump.

And it turns out there was one man

with binders full of courage.

Republican Senator Mitt Romney emotionally announced

on the Senate floor that he will break ranks

and vote to convict and remove President Trump.

The president asked a foreign government

to investigate his political rival.

The president's purpose was personal and political.

Accordingly, the president is guilty

of an appalling abuse of public trust.

With my vote, I will tell my children and their children

that I did my duty to the best of my ability,

believing that my country expected it of me.

That is shocking.

(applause)

That... is...

shocking.

Who would have thought

that the most badass Republican in the Senate

would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt?

And I got to say, Mitt,

you proved everyone wrong.

The haters said you were as radical as a glass of skim milk,

but they were wrong, Mitt.

You're whole milk, my man.

That's right.

Whole milk, fam.

(cheering and applause)

And, by the way, I like how Mitt said

that he voted this way so that he could tell his children

he did the right thing.

'Cause that's such a white people thing to say, right?

No, white people love explaining themselves to their children.

"I couldn't look my son in the eye

if I didn't do the right thing."

Black parents don't give a shit.

Like, black parents are just like,

"Boy, you better not look me in the eye.

I made you. I'm-a do whatever I'm-a do."

Now, other than Romney, another Republican senator

who was considered on the fence was also--

uh, about Trump was Susan Collins of Maine.

All right? But she decided that we don't need to throw Trump out

because she thinks he's already been scared straight.

REPORTER: There are some senators

who could have crossed party lines.

Senator Susan Collins will not be one of them.

I'm voting to acquit.

I believe that the president has learned from this case.

What do you believe the president has learned?

The president has been impeached.

That's a pretty big lesson.

However, during a TV anchors lunch

at the White House yesterday,

Trump responded to questions about Collins' comments,

saying he had done nothing wrong

and that his conversation with Ukraine's president

"was a perfect call."

Man, Donald Trump would be the hardest person

to defend in court.

He'd be like, "Your Honor,

my client has learned his lesson."

"No, I haven't!"

"His days of selling drugs are over."

"Who wants cocaine?!"

Because clearly, Trump hasn't learned a lesson.

If anything, he's learned that he can do whatever he wants,

and Republicans will let him get away with it.

But first, they're gonna shake their heads. "Mm!"

So basically, thanks to Senate Republicans, Trump is now free.

He can just run through laws

like he's got that Super Mario invisibility star.

That's what he can do. Yeah, he's invincible.

Except Trump is more powerful than Mario,

'cause in this case, the turtles are on his side.

-(laughter) -Basically... basically,

-President Trump... -(cheers and applause)

...is off the hook.

He's completely off the hook, and you know what that means.

He's gonna let loose tonight, man.

He's gonna eat 50 burgers, bang a porn star,

and then he's gonna do something crazy.

And while Trump... and while Trump is doing that Joker dance

down the courthouse steps,

the rest of the country is still focused on the fallout

from Trump's State of the Union speech last night.

And-and-and it's not so much what was in his speech,

but the fallout has been

about what speaker Nancy Pelosi did to the speech,

and Republicans aren't happy.

A bitter, bitter Nancy Pelosi ripping up the president's

State of the Union speech.

One of the most classless things ever done

in the history of the State of the Union.

I have never seen anybody act so childish in my life.

WOMAN: A spoiled, petulant child

essentially picking her nose in front of the American people.

It's not just the numbers you're ripping up.

Those are people.

Nancy Pelosi shredding the memory of Kayla Mueller,

shredding Tuske... 100-year-old Tuskegee Airman,

shredding a little two-year-old.

That's Pelosi ripping up the stories of these Americans.

Yeah.

That is so true, my friends.

When Nancy Pelosi tore up a copy of Trump's speech,

she wasn't just ripping up a speech.

She was ripping up the memory of the people in that speech.

Those people are gone now.

(laughter)

That's how paper works.

(laughter)

Like, one time at dinner, the waiter ripped up my receipt,

and then I was hungry again.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Now, look, man, you can argue

that Nancy was right or wrong to tear up Trump's speech,

but... but I'm sorry, guys.

These people, these people, the people that support Trump

have no business complaining

about breaches of decorum, all right?

Their dude is literally the king of that shit.

He puts the "dick" in decorum.

Don't come in acting like you're all,

"I can't believe he did this."

'Cause it's kind of funny, it's kind of funny, though,

that Republicans were so upset with Nancy's lack of decorum,

especially because Trump used the very same speech

to bestow America's highest civilian honor,

the Presidential Medal of Freedom,

on conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh, right?

A man, who, to put it mildly,

is not known for being best.

What does that make her?

It makes her a slut, right?

I-I love the women's movement,

-especially when walking behind it. -(audience groaning)

So "nigga"

with an "a" on the end--

why, I think I can now.

(speaking gibberish, mocking)

He is moving all around and shaking,

and it's purely an act.

If any race of people

should not have guilt about slavery, it's Caucasians.

-(audience clamoring, groaning) -Yeah.

Yeah, Rush... Rush Limbaugh might be racist,

sexist, homophobic, and mock people with disabilities,

but at least he treats paper with respect.

(laughter)

So maybe that was Nancy Pelosi's real mistake.

It's not that she was disrespectful.

It's that she wasn't disrespectful enough.

See, maybe if Nancy interrupted Trump's speech

with a racist Asian accent and a couple of casual "N" words,

instead of earning everyone's anger,

she would have earned her own Medal of Freedom.