They should announce the sequel to Ground Hog Day and then just re released the original.

If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, I would never need it.

Does a frozen yogurt headache burn fewer calories than an ice cream?

Nick Offerman's wife didn't want to change her name.

Would they compromise for Nick?

Offer Woman.

If I touch my phone in the right places, pizza will show up at my front door.

Using your laptop to research.

Buying a new one is like asking it to dig its own grave.

Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams have reversed names.

Is my brown belt sad that I chose my black belt this morning?

When a pregnant woman swims, she's basically a human submarine.

If you break a pencil, you have two pencils.

But if you break a pen, you have zero pens.

The roof of your mouth is actually more like a ceiling.

Ah, birth certificate is basically a baby received.