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  • step Number one is Buy a vibrator and that's the whole video.

  • Thank you guys.

  • So much for watching.

  • I'll see you guys next week.

  • Bye.

  • No, Unfortunately, it's a little bit more to this video, although honestly, buying a vibrator is not a bad step.

  • For the majority of my life, I have been single, and I took it upon myself every Valentine's Day to feel extra bad about myself and also let everybody else know publicly have bad.

  • I felt about being single.

  • I was like, Oh, baby, they says humor.

  • This is comedy.

  • Today.

  • I want to sit down and do something a little bit different and hopefully a little bit more useful and kind of dissect.

  • Like all the pressures that woman feels to be in a relationship that I have felt for so long and also talk about, like my personal journey from somebody who derived a lot of self worth from male attention and from being in a relationship to now genuinely being happy, being single, Well, maybe not like happy.

  • I definitely to see if they're this, but like, what I mean is that I have come to enjoy being single.

  • It's definitely the first time in my life where, like I would honestly rather be single but in a relationship with the vast majority of people and not like happy all the time, obviously.

  • But I don't blame my unhappiness or any UN fulfillment in my life on not being in a relationship, if that makes sense.

  • Also sorry for the wack color correction and youtuber apology video background for this video.

  • I filmed this on like three hours of sleep.

  • I've been sleeping on the floor for like, two weeks.

  • I haven't gotten my whole setup going in New York yet.

  • I am living in chaos, but I'm trying to do my job and I like this video.

  • I think I have a lot of useful things to say.

  • So enjoy.

  • Before I really jump into this video, though, I did want to say there's definitely a double standard between men and women with how we talk about relationships and being single.

  • There is both a long word pressure on women to be in relationships and to get into a long term relationship earlier in their life and this kind of surface level feminist pressure to be independent and strong and In order to do that, you have to be single where I feel like guys can be in relationships their whole life and there never criticized for being emotionally dependent on women or not being a strong independent man.

  • I didn't want to make this video.

  • And like a pseudo feminist way, that's like You have to be single in order to be a strong, independent woman type of way.

  • I want to make it in like a Here is me trying to like self actualized, be comfortable with myself and not feel so much pressure to be in a relationship type of way.

  • I think at the end of the day, our society really does put so much pressure to be in a relationship as kind of your default state.

  • And I just want people to feel comfortable being single, because I think it's such an important like skill to have and such an important time of development in your life.

  • So first I wanted to talk about kind of my history and how my mentality has shifted over the years.

  • First, when I was in high school, I was very much a quote unquote career woman and all I wanted to do was focus on my studies.

  • No boys, no distractions, no shoulders.

  • Actually went on a couple dates in high school, But I never let it turn into a relationship because I felt so uncomfortable being called somebody's girlfriend.

  • I felt like it would make me.

  • He would like somehow domesticate me and make me less of a career woman.

  • Then when I finally got to college, I really entered a boy crazy stage of my life.

  • Honestly, a lot of it was because for the first time, I felt like I didn't have a whole lot of sense of self or like a promising future.

  • Honestly, I felt so insecure about my skills, my intelligence, my future that I really just wanted a boy to, like, cling on to you and to kind of give me a yeah, a sense of self because I just felt like a nobody floating around college.

  • Our Parentsgeneration was kind of the generation that met their significant others in college or in their early twenties.

  • So in my head, college was the time that I, like, met my husband and I was like game time ladies, I have two and 1/2 years in college to find a man, lock him down, and this is like my only window of opportunity.

  • So I was relieved, gung ho, about relationships created.

  • I had a lot of fun tinder dates.

  • I had a couple of relationships, which overall, I think we're in that positive.

  • But I definitely didn't feel completely comfortable being single.

  • And every time that I was single, I was just thinking of it as like a little gap before my next relationship.

  • And that brings me to the summer of 2018.

  • It's so weird to say 2018 like it was in the past.

  • I feel like it's still fucking 2018.

  • That was the summer before I graduated college, and for a couple months I lived by myself.

  • For the first time in my life, I was working on my YouTube channel, and I think for the first time since I left high school, I felt like myself.

  • It's not like I was a fully like, self actualized person, and I've still so far from that.

  • But I think that was the first time that mindset that I have right now kind of clicked the best way I can describe.

  • My mindset shift was I used to think my life was of wrong calm where my end goal was to get married to some dreaming and and then my movie ended.

  • But now I think of my life is like a sitcom with 10 seasons, and I'm just at the beginning of Season two.

  • I have so much time in my life before I figure out who the fuck I am.

  • I have so much growing to dio I'm gonna have all of these different jobs living all of these different cities, and it's kind of like along for the ride with myself, and I feel like that's a good place to be so Anyways, I feel like it's easier said than done to shift your mindset, but I thought it would be helpful in this video to dissect some of the misconceptions that I had in my previous mindset, where I felt guilty for being single and I felt like I needed a guy in my life.

  • So the first influence, which I kind of mentioned before, is wrong calms and coming of age fields.

  • Now I still to this day love be a good cheesy wrong come and I know that they are sometimes horribly written and they have really problematic ideals.

  • But I will enjoy it anyway.

  • Thanks, but I don't think I realized until recently how much effect the wrong comes.

  • I watched when I was younger, had on my view of myself and relationships recently.

  • Thank the Lord that have been worth female directors.

  • Greta Gerwig.

  • Here's just a quick round of applause for Greta Gerwig being Greta Gerwig and also searching groaning Oh, praise the Lord.

  • What a power couple.

  • But when I was growing up, the only context where I saw a woman be a protagonist was in a wrong comet was in a romantic setting.

  • Anywhere else.

  • She was the sidekick.

  • She was love interest.

  • So again, a romantic setting which probably more than I'd like to admit, definitely influenced me to feel like the way that I had control over my life or like, kind of my life narrative was to hunt down a man or to be the love interest.

  • And that's like not what being a woman or getting like a human being is about, you know, Another thing was coming of age films, which is one of the few genres that actually features like young people and the traditional coming of age narrative is him getting the girl or having sex.

  • And especially in college, I really internalized that message to mean that growing up and becoming an adult meant getting a boyfriend, which is not.

  • That's not how we experience coming of age it all, Really.

  • I think that my coming of age was spending time with myself, which you never see in movies and anything going back home to Maryland and spending time with my friends and feeling like, really loved in a friendship context.

  • Really, My first relationship, like, was not a coming of age for me at all.

  • But that's not a story that we really see told in pop culture.

  • Second of all, something you definitely contributed to my quote unquote boy crazy mentality was, admittedly that I derived a lot of validation from male attention.

  • That's kind of hard for me to admit, because I really, really want to be like a really great feminist with no internalized misogyny in my entire life.

  • But oh, honey, do any of us I don't know, growing up in my hometown girls were just not cool.

  • Honestly, like our site is a real problem with just hating teenage girls.

  • In general, there was definitely an writing feeling in my high school.

  • That girl's just, like weren't cool.

  • They weren't funny.

  • And if you wanted to have cool friends, you should hang out with the guys.

  • Well, hash like I'm not like other girls.

  • No, I genuinely, like, was kind of one of those girls.

  • Like like I had girlfriends in high school.

  • But at the end of the day and, uh this, like, cringe e social climbing slash social positioning.

  • I never would go out of my way to hang out with them so that I could feel cool like I would with guys gross.

  • But I think a lot of people experienced this to like our society sets up woman to compete with other women for male attention.

  • We are told this false narrative that male attention is a limited commodity and that we have to hunt it down because in order to feel valuable and in order to even like exist as a visible part of society, you have to be seen by then.

  • This is like a huge problem in Hollywood and in the modeling industry as well.

  • Where a woman over three kind of just like disappear.

  • It kind of just this unsaid cultural thing where it's like, Oh, you're like over 40 like you go and hide in the shadows Now nobody wants to see your wrinkles.

  • God forbid you offend anybody with your human skin signed up.

  • But if you guys saw oceans ate, one of the most infuriating things about that movie to me was the fact that they like CD I blurred out.

  • Sandra Bullock and K plan Jin's wrinkles.

  • I wouldn't even say wrinkles like they have aged so gracefully.

  • But even like the phrase Asian gracefully kind of implies that if you age and like a normal fucking way where you have wrinkles and lines on your face that that's even a bad thing or that's ungraceful, there's no escape.

  • Forget I have seen kind of the sentiment on, like, read it before, do that like, Oh, you better take advantage of all of the attention you get when you're young, 20 something because like it or not hot shit in your entire life, then it puts all this pressure on such a narrow part of your life in order to like, yeah, grasp all this male attention and feel like you exist before you, like, disappear into the shadows, which is just like a horrible way toe have to think about life.

  • Another aspect of this male attention thing for me was definitely the fact that I gloved up pretty late in my life.

  • I was just not that cute When I was younger, I felt so invisible and I had all these crushes on guys that would just never, ever like me back.

  • So when I caught to college and I first was like, Oh, I guess I can like kind of cool guys now I got such satisfaction and like satisfaction is a gross word to use for that.

  • But I felt so validated.

  • Even going on tinder and like matching with an attractive guy was like a type of high because I had never experienced that before.

  • I was like, Holy shaped like if this guy saw me in high school like he literally would not look twice at me.

  • And now I'm going on a date with this guy and he's attractive and he's paying attention to be like, Oh, one of you.

  • You think everybody feels validated in a certain way when attractive people pay attention to them, Which is just like biology, baby.

  • But at this point in my life, Okay, honestly, I think the real fixed of the problem is you date Ah, hot guy who has a really shitty personality.

  • And then you realize that hot guys, we're not actually all that kind of a shyness of attractive people were.

  • So I think is everybody grows older, they become more confident in themselves.

  • They dated more people.

  • So a little bit of that, I don't say desperation, but kind of internal clamoring to be like, validated by attractive people, wears off a little bit.

  • Another fear of mine with being single definitely went hand in hand with my fear of aging.

  • I kind of talked about this before with the male attention thing, but for some reason it really settled in while I was in college that this was like my chance to meet a life partner.

  • This was literally when I was 18 I was like, I must find a man that I can lock down before my eggs dried out because I'm already getting old, baby, kind of counterintuitively.

  • As I've grown up, I actually feel like I have more time in my life.

  • When I was 18 I felt like my youth would be so short.

  • But now that I'm 21 I'm like, Holy shit, I have nine more years before I'm 30.

  • Even at 30 I'll still be really young.

  • So I have so much time Thio figure out myself and to like one day down the line.

  • If I want to get married, find somebody to do that with Well, that was the least romantic explanation of love I've ever heard.

  • Do the marriage with me, please, even with friends that I talked to.

  • Nowadays, the question always comes up.

  • When do you want to get married?

  • Because it's such a conundrum.

  • In this modern day and age where you want to have a successful career, you want to be your own person.

  • But everybody's magic number is still 30 there, like I want to be married by 30 I wanna have kids by 35 to me it does feel like a really fucking unfair biological trap because men have so much time and they're also told that they're attractive for so much longer.

  • Like a guy who's 45.

  • People were still like Azadi Woman who are 45 single.

  • They're not like Zanni Mommy.

  • What?

  • Yeah, let's take that back.

  • Men feel like they have so much longer to get married.

  • And I think I definitely does give them an advantage in the dating game because they don't feel the same pressure that a lot of young women do.

  • Thio lock somebody down.

  • They feel like they have time.

  • They feel like they have options and therefore they can shop around.

  • Maur and women are left with this scarcity mindset of like, I better pick up all the good men before they're gone.

  • Before they're taken, there aren't gonna be any left.

  • What I'm slowly realizing as I get older is that, like literally every single year, I feel like a different person.

  • I look back and myself from a year ago and I'm like, Who the fuck with that?

  • Why was she so dumb?

  • Why was she so insecure?

  • And that's great because that means that I'm growing as a human being.

  • I have just become a lot more excited about growing older.

  • I hate that women are told that they almost lose value as they grow older.

  • It's like what the fuck You gain experience, You gain knowledge.

  • I'm gonna be smarter, funnier, Better it sex Finally figure out how to style my bangs.

  • What?

  • I'm 30 like I'm just gonna objectively be a better person.

  • And why wouldn't somebody want to date that first into?

  • I was talking to my friend Damon about this actually 27 single traveling the world, living in Paris, having threesomes with French dudes like David is living the life.

  • And I think I used to like in this area conservative lines that almost looked down on him and be like, Oh, like I can't believe he's so irresponsible.

  • What is he doing?

  • It 27 not trying to settle down.

  • Honestly, that was a really judging mentalities.

  • I'm sorry, David, but obviously as I've gotten to know him better, I've come to respect the shit out of him.

  • I think it's so cool that he's doing exactly what he wants to do.

  • Something he told me that I actually really liked is that even if you don't get married, you don't die alone this is like something people joke about.

  • Every time we go forever alone, I'm gonna die alone like No, If you grew up in your single, that doesn't mean that you're alone.

  • You have your friends, you have your family.

  • Honestly, I want to be one of those people that, like a retirement home with my girl squad, still like gossiping about the latest feminist theory.

  • And that would be a great way to grow old.

  • So people like Damon have definitely helped me feel less pressure, too, you know, lock it down and get married because I think no matter how my life turns out, I'm gonna have a fucking blast.

  • Yeah, that's a good feeling.

  • Now, another, more internal pressure that I felt to be in a relationship was the desire for vicarious success.

  • My freshman year in college was definitely my most boy crazy year.

  • The years I felt the most dependent on relationships.

  • And that also happened to be the year that I felt the least sure of my career and myself and whether I would ever achieve any success.

  • Basically, in high school, I was blessed with the confidence that on Lee, a 17 year old right after she takes her s a T s has and that I, like, literally thought I could conquer the world.

  • I was like, I'm the smartest person in all of suburban Maryland.

  • I am the best filmmaker.

  • Everybody thinks I'm gonna win an Oscar and therefore I show no.

  • Once I got the film school, I was like, Oh, no, I know nothing about this industry.

  • I have no idea whether I will ever be successful, not to mention even employed literally some of my professors And God said the best way to be in the film industry was to just marry rich so that you have the time and money to make what you want.

  • Yeah, things that I learned in college can't believe that I paid, like, $150,000 for that piece of information.

  • Thank you.

  • If I could have kept my tuition money, I could be my own fucking sugar daddy.

  • They sound so gold digger.

  • Evil eye.

  • I think deep down, I just wanted like, security.

  • And that wasn't like you Let me find over it, Sugar.

  • Daddy, I think I just wanted Thio.

  • I think I was just scared that my future wouldn't work out, and I was scared that I literally wouldn't have anywhere to go after graduation.

  • And it made me feel like I could maybe have Morva purpose if I just attached my purpose to somebody else.

  • It's just like looking back.

  • I'm like If I had continued dating my first boyfriend for, like, all of college and really invested in the relationship and gave it so much time, would I have gone out of my way to start a YouTube channel?

  • Would I have put all of my heart and soul into that?

  • Would I be where I am today?

  • I want to say that is possible, but I think that at that stage in my life, where I was at my lowest career confidence, I don't think I would have pushed myself to go out there and make something for myself if I was already at such a young age putting myself in this like housewife mentality.

  • I know some women really do want to be like a housewife or a mother, and I think those are really important jobs, a swell.

  • But I would say if you're unsure of your life right now, don't settle into, like the mindset of being the sidekick or the love interest, like you are still the protagonists of your own life.

  • Even if you're having a rocky time right now, give yourself the time and the passion to you know, that sounds so cheesy, but you know what I mean?

  • The last kind of flawed influence I had that made me feel so bad for being single was slut shaming and our fucked up relationship with women's sexuality.

  • Something that still frustrates me to this day is the fact that women are considered slutty.

  • Er, if they have sex with multiple men, then if they're having the same amount of sex with one man in a relationship.

  • And I think that when I was younger, especially I really identified as like a good girl like I was a rule follower.

  • I did all the things that people wanted me to do.

  • That may be socially acceptable when maybe classy, and so I never really got to have the fun of being single or take full advantage of it because I didn't feel like I could have sex with guys.

  • I felt like I couldn't sleep around.

  • And if I wanted to have sex regularly.

  • I had to be in a relationship.

  • And you know how bad decisions are when you make him when you're horny.

  • Some of my friends, even now we'll talk about their number, as in the number of guys that they've had sex with and keeping that number low.

  • I think a lot of women feel pressure to not sleep with that many guys in their lifetime.

  • For a long time I did.

  • I felt like every new guy that I had sex with I was taking one box off of my fucking like bingo board.

  • I only had so many chances in my life, so he had to be worth it.

  • And now, like, I don't fucking can't look who is counted.

  • Are you serious?

  • If anybody needs to ask you how many guys you've slept with in order to date you or in order to be your friend, literally fuck them.

  • Don't literally fuck them.

  • Actually, because they sound like kind of an asshole.

  • Cut them out of your life.

  • It's like we don't need that energy.

  • I think it's unfair the way that we talk about casual sex because it genuinely it makes it more fun for guys to be single because they can, like, fuck around and they are congratulated.

  • They're more masculine there.

  • A sexy bachelor and a lot of woman don't get to have that same amount of fun.

  • So I'm encouraged.

  • You guys, I know it's easier said than done, but there is no need to be counting.

  • If you want to do something, do it and take full advantage of the time in your life that you have when you're single.

  • One of the best advice I got from somebody who was married was that she wishes that she had sex with more people before he got married because, like one day, that guy might come around and that's the last guy you will ever have sex with.

  • So fucking car baby a baby before I go instead of just like complaining about the patriarchy for this entire video, I didn't want to give you guys some kind of actionable tips that have definitely helped me enjoy being single number one.

  • Get comfortable going out a load.

  • One of my friends from film school literally will take herself to a movie.

  • Every week.

  • She'll buy herself soup at a restaurant and just sit alone and eat the soup and go to the movie theater and have herself a fucking blast.

  • And I really admire that.

  • The first time that I went out alone to a restaurant, I was so self colleges and I was so terrified.

  • Everybody's like Who's that language eating by herself?

  • But at the end of the day, nobody cared.

  • I got to enjoy a really good pizza, and then I went on my merry way.

  • I promise you anything that you could do with a significant other you can plan and do for yourself.

  • You just have to take that extra time to put in the effort and go and make like me.

  • Time for yourself, You hate phrase me time it so like white Pinterest girl.

  • But like honestly, they're kind of on to something.

  • It's nice to have any time, sometimes number to get comfortable putting yourself out there and ultimately getting rejected kind of a lot.

  • I think a lot of people could be scared of being single because it does involve so much more like putting yourself out there.

  • You're not sure that you have somebody to come home to your not sure somebody will be there for you at a party.

  • But it is also something that is really exciting If you learn how to take rejection.

  • Honestly, the way that I learnt is just putting myself out there like so many fucking times.

  • It feels so painful at first.

  • But then when you're on your like 50th time where you like, are trying to chat with somebody on a dating app and they hit you back with Do you have Corona virus?

  • True story?

  • You're just like I thought you.

  • And also next one number three is a little depressing.

  • But getting broken up with has actually helped change my perspective on being single so much.

  • I've been through three relationships at this point, and I got a lot more comfortable being single because I don't do relationships is like life or death anymore.

  • And I also know the hardships that come with relationships.

  • Ah, lot of the times when you're younger, you just think that relationships are like tumbler.

  • Photos is a montage of beautiful people kissing in the sunset, and it doesn't always feel like that, like relationships are hard fucking work, too.

  • So it's definitely made me realize there are pluses and minuses of relationships and of being single.

  • And it's made me romanticize relationships a lot less and make me realize that being single isn't so bad in comparison.

  • And lastly and most importantly, I realize that this is such an important time in your life for personal growth and development and just like figuring out who the fuck you are being single and realizing that I only have myself to rely on, I have to spend this much time with myself and realizing that I have the power over my life to move where I want to change careers.

  • To change up my style.

  • Thio be friends with new people.

  • It really pushes me to develop as a human being and really think about what I want in life and who I want to be.

  • That is like some of the most exciting shit.

  • It could be painful sometimes, but God damn it, it is a good feeling.

  • So anyway, I am fronting super late.

  • So thank you guys So much for watching college All my single ladies this Valentine's Day.

  • I hope that you have a fantastic time with yourself or your friends or whoever You're fucking at the moment and I will see you guys next week.

  • Bye.

step Number one is Buy a vibrator and that's the whole video.

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A2 初級

我如何學會愛上單身(+為什麼你也應該這樣做 (how i learned to love being single (+ why you should too))

  • 6 1
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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