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  • You have basically to master two primary skills: you must know how to select and connect.

  • Those are the skills of relationship:

  • selection and connection.

  • And you've got to find a way to constantly improve

  • the amount of joy, passion and nourishment that's happening within you and for the

  • person you're in a relationship with.

  • If you want to have not just a lover,

  • a husband, a wife,

  • a boyfriend, a girlfriend, whatever your language is,

  • if you want more than that, you want a raving fan.

  • A raving fan is somebody, if you were going to use a business metaphor, since there are so many

  • business owners in the room...

  • satisfied customers leave.

  • I'll say it again: satisfied customers leave.

  • If they get a much better deal, a much better opportunity,

  • they'll leave.

  • But a raving fan customer never leaves. By giving a metaphor in business:

  • Apple Computers did everything it could do to screw up

  • and upset their customer base years ago, didn't they?

  • In fact, they almost went under,

  • they didn't make enough software,

  • and a lot of companies and people who were Apple lovers...

  • Now, people who use Microsoft:

  • those individuals

  • how do you feel--who uses Microsoft products and services? Great.

  • Then, give me an emotional sound for how you feel about that company. (Boos)

  • Who here uses Apple products and services? (Cheers)

  • And I didn't even have to ask them to make a sound. Did you notice that?

  • Make a sound about Apple products. How do you feel about Apple as a company? (Cheers)

  • Now, it's only

  • you know, ten percent of the room,

  • but almost everybody bood for Microsoft

  • which has the dominant market place

  • and they cheer for Apple. The difference is: people who use Apple are raving fans.

  • Your goal in a relationship

  • above all else

  • is you want to make sure that you make this person

  • who's in your life your raving fan. And there's only one way to do that: worship them.

  • Not just love them.

  • You've got to worship them.

  • If you want to have something that's extraordinary, because that person who is worshipped

  • is not going to leave in a million years. What makes them know they're worshipped is the following:

  • you've got to know what do you really want.

  • Because everyone is different. We all want love, we want the same needs,

  • but we've got to know what we want.

  • So, some of you may be saying "Tony, this is all very interesting and dynamic but

  • I'm single

  • and

  • I don't have a relationship." You've got to know how to start. The first step is to decide what's

  • your vision for what you really want.

  • What's your vision for what you really want. You can't make something happen until you

  • get clear. What was the first step of taking something impossible and

  • making it real?

  • Focus!

  • You need a vision. Without a vision, people what?

  • Perish!

  • You need a vision for your relationship.

  • A vision for what is it I really want most in life, what would excite me,

  • what would light me up?

  • And I don't just mean a vision of what that person's supposed to look like

  • and be like,

  • or what values they have--that could be part of the vision, but also

  • what is your vision for what this relationship

  • would create in the world

  • that would inspire you to be in this relationship.

  • Because without a vision of what the relationship's going to be,

  • you're going to settle for whatever shows up.

  • All you've got to do is get a vision that is so compelling to you,

  • so exciting and so clear that you get so much emotion you'll figure a way

  • to make it happen.

  • You might say, "but I'm already in a relationship."

  • Well, remember I said the two skills you've got to have are select and connect?

  • The first and most important selection you're going to make in your life...

  • Eh, I'll tell you this first.

  • Ninety-five percent of the happiness you're going to have in life is going to

  • come from you select as your partner.

  • So, we're going to get absolutely clear

  • about what is that you really want because

  • it's impossible to get there otherwise.

  • I'll tell you what helped me: if you're brand new and you're single,

  • the best way to do this is you sit down and you write down every single thing on Earth

  • you could ever want in the ultimate partner in life. Your ultimate mate. Your ultimate

  • lover.

  • Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.

  • The way you guys would pitch and catch.

  • What you would do together, how you'd share.

  • But every detail on a level of specificity that normally you would think is insane

  • And then you've got to make a second list, I've learned.

  • And I did this years ago. I made this list

  • and I read it--it was pretty cool and then I got a relationship. And that in that relationship,

  • I kind of let it grow because of what most people get in a relationship with. I didn't select

  • consciously.

  • What makes a relationship work is things in common.

  • Similar values.

  • Similar dreams or goals or loves or desires.

  • What makes a relationship work is having things in common

  • because what that gives you is the emotion of certainty

  • that allows you to open up and connect. People like people who are like whom?

  • Themselves! So, you like this person

  • and you have certainly about this person. You have connection with this person

  • because you have similar-- you have a connection through interests or values

  • and you have certainty because, "hey, they're like me."

  • So what makes relationship work is things in common. What makes a

  • relationship passionate

  • is uncertainty.

  • Not knowing and differences!

  • This is the critical understanding:

  • can you have both the relationship simultaneously? Yes or no?

  • Yes, but most people

  • pursue one aspect of their needs, like in the beginning they want the variety and the

  • uncertainty and excitement that comes with that.

  • And this person is so different than me and so it excites me because I'm quiet and they're loud

  • and intense and playful.

  • And then they get around them, they go "ooo, I want this forever," and they try to get a hold of this

  • person and very often try to control them.

  • And then what they want to do is get this place of connection but also

  • control, certainty.

  • And they try to make their spouse, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their husband,

  • their wife like them.

  • All their being loud before was exciting; now it's loud.

  • What they were doing the very beginning.

  • But now you're irritated by it.

  • And if you reinforce somebody or you punish them

  • for being a certain way and try and make them like you, you will have a great friend

  • and no passion.

  • And they will never go back to the way they were because

  • they don't want to lose love or they've been rejected so much

  • they don't want to be in a place. They start to protect themselves.

  • There's a way to have both.

  • It's learning how to honor

  • those differences and enjoy those differences. Now, some of those you

  • already honor and enjoy, but if you're gonna honor and enjoy in some areas, some areas are

  • inconvenient.

  • You don't like them.

  • But you've got to learn to love what you didn't like.

  • Are there some things that are so different than you that they would

  • destroy a relationship?

  • Yes, like you have certain values that are the core of who you are and if somebody has

  • the opposite,

  • it'd be pretty hard for you to really sustain a quality relationship.

  • So, the place to start: you make your list of everything you want. Then you make a list of everything

  • and the second list is--really critical: everything

  • that you must not have a relationship. Not should not: there's lots of things you'd

  • prefer not to have, but must not have.

  • By the way, you can get everything you want a relationship and get two or three

  • things you must never have and it will be destroyed.

  • And I'm going to show you that process.

  • Because even if you're not a relationship, how many would like to have a way

  • to evaluate whether or not this is the right relationship or not for me?

  • And it saved my life to have the ability to do that.

  • But, I'll tell you the first thing I did and i thought everything in my life that

  • I've ever created...

  • I went back and did what I asked you to do. What did I create that was impossible? How did I do that?

  • I mean, think about it: I always started by focusing on what I wanted, not where I was.

  • Isn't that true?

  • Only focus on what you want to create. So I said, "OK, am I committed as a

  • soul to have in a relationship with a woman?

  • What do I want in that relationship?

  • And then what can I not have?

  • I made these lists and I wrote it for about nine or ten pages.

  • Maybe by the time I was done with them, mixed-up the list was maybe at twelve.

  • I'm talking about details. Ridiculous details.

  • And then, interestingly, as I read that

  • I knew what I had to do because I can look at that list and I did one more thing.

  • I wrote

  • what I must have in a relationship:

  • mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, everything.

  • What I must not have in a relationship with a woman.

  • And then my third one was

  • what kind of man would I have to be to attract that quality of woman.

  • Instead of saying "how come I don't have this person."

  • Because, if you focus on the outside,

  • you'll always be screwed up because you'll always blame somebody else. I went OK, clarity first.

  • What do I need? What am I committed to? What do I want?

  • Clarity: what must I be

  • for that type of person to be in my life?

  • How many follow these steps?

You have basically to master two primary skills: you must know how to select and connect.

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A2 初級

選擇與連接。如何建立終極關係 (Select & Connect: How to Create the Ultimate Relationship)

  • 46 8
    Yue Hua Liu 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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