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  • -Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow.

  • I'm excited. I am very excited to be here.

  • Been traveling a lot lately. The year's been going great.

  • Seeing these small towns now, though, type of places

  • where if you get hungry after dark,

  • you better know how to hunt.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • There's been a lot of learning experiences, you know?

  • You ever heard the saying, "If you can make it in New York,

  • you can make it anywhere"? [ Audience cheering ]

  • That's a lie. It's not true.

  • The second I left the city,

  • I seen like five places I knew I couldn't make it.

  • I was just standing on the highway like, "Not that one.

  • Not that one. I'm definitely gon' die there."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's been a lot.

  • You should make it in New York.

  • City's made for you to do so.

  • Got dollar pizza.

  • The streets are numbered,

  • in order. [ Laughter ]

  • You got $4 and a [bleep] -- and a high school education,

  • you good. [ Laughter ]

  • You made it.

  • There's no worries.

  • I went to Missouri.

  • -Whoo! -Learned a lot.

  • It should be, "If you can make it in Missouri."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Fam, you've earned that.

  • That's hard work.

  • How you gon' sell your mix tape if nobody outside?

  • There is no one outside.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Missouri was a learning experience, man.

  • That was the first time I seen a vulture in person.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's a pivotal moment.

  • Vultures are a TV bird, you know?

  • You supposed to only see that on television.

  • I casually saw one in my regular life, just at a gas station.

  • I didn't know what to do. I just waved at it.

  • I'm a New Yorker. I don't do it right.

  • New Yorkers don't wave. I'm just like under-handed.

  • "Hey, buddy.

  • I don't want any trouble, man."

  • But, honest,

  • vultures are negative. They're negative birds.

  • The entire time they looking at you,

  • they just like, "Yo, I hope you die, bro.

  • Ooh, I can't wait."

  • Worst thing New York got is some pigeons.

  • You can find videos of them stepping aside politely

  • to let you on the train.

  • They got their little wings back.

  • "What's up, brother? I understand.

  • It's alright."

  • It's easy. It's not that bad.

  • Took a trip upstate New York.

  • -Whoo! -Six hours.

  • Six hours on this train.

  • I learned, though, if you travel a minimum of two hours

  • in any direction out the city, it turns into Alabama quickly.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So fast.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm used to taking the trains.

  • I grew up in New York, always took a train.

  • You know, you take the trains out here,

  • you probably got robbed for your phone or something,

  • but you made your destination.

  • You can just walk.

  • Took the train upstate New York,

  • and they just let me out at a forest.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Just a forest, bro.

  • I don't have forest experience.

  • I don't know about foliage. Nothing.

  • All my skills are made for New York City.

  • I can hop a turnstile. I can't find North.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I know who I am, you understand?

  • You know what I'm saying? I can spot bad deli meat a mile away,

  • wouldn't even ruin me.

  • You pull a knife on me, I'll fight you.

  • If you threw a raccoon my way, though, alright.

  • Okay. Fighting dirty now.

  • Use a knife like a gentleman. Come on, now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was terrible walking through that forest.

  • I didn't know anything about it. No forest experience.

  • I don't know what trees not to touch.

  • I don't know what's poison.

  • My only reference of poison is Bell Biv DeVoe.

  • I'm gonna die out there.

  • I know better.

  • I was scared. I was walking through that forest.

  • I checked my phone.

  • My phone was on 23%.

  • My heart sank.

  • 'Cause I knew right then and there, if my phone die,

  • this is where I live now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I do not possess the skills to find my way home using nature.

  • That is not gon' happen.

  • Not gon' be able to look at the forest

  • and know where trees grow moss. Nothing. Done.

  • I called my boy up. I needed some help.

  • Worst advice ever.

  • I'm like, "Yo, bro, I'm scared. I don't know what to do."

  • He's like, "You scared, bro?"

  • You from New York. How you scared of a forest?"

  • "You scared of a --" Yes.

  • What you expect me to do? Run into a bear

  • and be like, "Wait, bro! I'm from Brooklyn, son!

  • None of that roar! None of that, not with me!

  • Nah." [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you guys. Thank you.

  • ♪♪

  • -Thanks, man! You were great! You look great.

  • Andre D Thompson!

  • "Between Spots" is available on Spotify.

-Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow.

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Andre D Thompson Stand-Up (Andre D Thompson Stand-Up)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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