I'd just like to write out my weekly

thank-you notes right now. Is that cool?

Because I was running a bit behind.

[ Cheers and applause ]

James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

His -- his tie is missing. -Wow.

Think he lost it?

-He must have lost his tie, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

There we go.

-Is it casual Friday? I don't know.

♪♪

Thank you, Mitch McConnell's smile

at the State of the Union, for looking like

the Mona Lisa's weird creepy uncle.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Wow.

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

-Thank you, Iowa caucuses,

for giving us definitive results of the one thing

we pretty much already knew,

old people are not good with apps.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Hey, what?

[ Laughter ] ♪♪

-Thank you, Altoids tins,

for making my pants sound like they're playing calypso music.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Bouncy calypso music playing ]

[ Whooping ]

[ Rhythmic clapping ]

-Curiously strong.

[ Music ends ]

♪♪ -Thank you, Red Lobster ads,

for showing that there's nothing more appetizing

than watching seafood catch some sick air.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Wah!

-[ Laughs ] Through water.

[ Laughter ]

Mm, shrimps.

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

Shrimps are good. [ Laughter ]

I like shrimps. [ Laughter ]

Those biscuits are good, too.

[ Laughter ]

-For the seafood -- -What's that?

Everything good? -What's that?

-I didn't say anything. [ Light laughter ]

♪♪

-Thank you... [ Laughter ]

Malbec, for sounding less like a red wine

and more like a grizzled detective getting called in

to solve one last case.

[ Laughter ] "You're a loose cannon, Malbec."

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Emergen-C,

for tricking me into thinking I won't get the flu

by eating a tiny packet of Tang. [ Laughter and applause ]

There you have it. Those are my thank-you notes.