這是2020年的24/7｜每日秀節目 (It’s 2020 24/7 | The Daily Show)

字幕列表影片播放

From Comedy Central's
World News Headquarters in New York,
"The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" presents...
♪ ♪
"It's 2020..."
"24/7."
♪ ♪
- Every day, the field of Democratic candidates
gets bigger and bigger.
And this morning, it didn't just get bigger,
it got louder.
- Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders.
I'm running for president.
Our campaign is about taking on
the powerful special interests
that dominate our economic and political life.
I'm talking about Wall Street, the health insurance companies,
the drug companies, the fossil fuel industry,
the military industrial complex,
the private prison industry,
and the large multi-national corporations.
- Oh, damn. [laughter]
Yo, Bernie has entered the race,
and did you hear his list of enemies?
This guy doesn't mess around.
Yeah, he didn't come to play.
He was like, "Big banks, little banks, Tyra Banks.
I'm shutting you all down. You're all going down."
And you can tell that Bernie's serious about winning
because he didn't rub his hair with a balloon
before filming this video.
He's serious now. He's in it.
"No balloon this time. We're going smooth."
[laughter]
Now, if Bernie were to win the presidency,
he would become the oldest American president ever.
Yes, and I mean that literally.
He was born a few months before George Washington.
But... [laughter]
But don't let Bernie's age fool you.
This guy is as feisty as ever.
Just look at how he responded
to Howard Schultz threatening the Democratic Party.
- Howard Schultz has now said
he would not run as an Independent
if the Democrats nominate a moderate.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
Why is Howard Schultz
on every television station in this country?
Why are you quoting Howard Schultz?
Because he's a billionaire.
- Yo, I've missed Bernie so much.
Are you kidding me?
That was-- "Oh, isn't that nice?
A-ha-ha-ha. Isn't that nice?"
Because every other politician would respond
to that answer in, like, a politiciany way.
They'd be like, "Well, I believe Howard Schultz
entering the race would be irresponsible at this time."
Bernie's just like, "Howard Schultz
can run for president of my ass!"
[laughter]
[percussive music]
- Of all the Democrats hoping to be president,
the one whose positions have changed the most
from what they used to be is arguably Kirsten Gillibrand.
Before she was a senator, Gillibrand represented
a conservative district in Upstate New York.
And even though that was a long time ago,
she's still trying to make sure the slate is wiped clean
for her 2020 run.
- You've said Trump's immigration positions
are racist.
Now, as you know,
you were more conservative
early on in your career on immigration.
You said you were a "firm opponent"
of giving "amnesty to illegal aliens."
You said English should be
"the official language of the United States."
You called for expediting deportation
of undocumented immigrants.
If Trump's immigration positions are racist,
were they racist when you held some of those positions as well?
- They certainly weren't empathetic
and they were not kind and I did not think
about suffering in other people's lives.
And so I took the time.
I went down to Brooklyn,
I met with Nydia Velázquez,
who's been a leader in fighting for families for a long time,
and I listened and I realized
that things I had said were wrong.
- To be fair--to be fair.
I get why Gillibrand had to say,
"I went to Brooklyn
and I saw things in a different way."
Because let's be honest, if she had said,
"Yeah, my policies used to be racist,
but then they changed,"
you know, the headlines would just be
"Gillibrand Admits Racism,"
and Trump, he'd never let that go.
He'd probably make it her new nickname.
He'd be like, "My opponent,
Ku Klux Kirsten, is so racist,
she's trying to steal the nomination
from Native Americans like Elizabeth Warren.
[laughter and groans]
But this is not the first time that Gillibrand has apologized
for her previous policy positions.
Because, you see, it turn out
she also used to be very pro-gun.
- As a congresswoman,
Gillibrand used that family tradition of hunting
to appeal to conservative voters
in Upstate New York.
She boasted an "A" rating from the NRA.
So why the 180?
- After I got appointed,
I went down to Brooklyn
to meet with families who had suffered
from gun violence in their communities,
and you immediately experience the feeling
that I couldn't have been more wrong.
- Okay, uh...
[laughter]
What's... what's going on in Brooklyn?
[laughter and applause]
Like...
Every time...
every time Gillibrand goes to Brooklyn,
she changes another position.
[laughter]
I feel like they're gonna have to make a remix
to that Jay Z/Alicia Keys song.
It's gonna be like... ♪ Now I'm out in Brooklyn ♪
♪ Changin' my mind on gun rights ♪
♪ Used to hate illegals, now I fight the good fight ♪
♪ In New York ♪
♪ Turns out all my past views were racist ♪
♪ They're somethin' I'm changin' ♪
[percussive music]
We've also gotten an announcement
from one of the biggest names in politics,
Elizabeth Warren.
And she celebrated her announcement
with a live Instagram chat from inside her kitchen.
- Senator Elizabeth Warren becoming the biggest name
in the Democratic field
to signal she's running for president.
Now looking to reintroduce herself to Democrats,
connecting with supporters on Instagram.
- Hold on a sec.
I'm gonna get me,
um, a beer. [claps]
My husband, Bruce, is now in here.
Um, you want a beer?
- No, I'll pass on a beer for now.
- You sure? Come and say hello to the folks.
- Yes, okay. - So, this is my sweetie.
- Hello. - Um, he's the best.
Thank you for being here. - Pleasure.
- I'm glad you're here.
[laughter]
- I don't always drink beer... [laughter]
But when I'm trying to look relatable,
I do it on Instagram. [laughter]
That was an interesting choice, though, right?
It really is an interesting choice from Warren,
just drinking alone in her kitchen.
[laughter]
I guess she wanted to start her campaign,
the same way Hilary ended hers, you know?
Oh! [cheers and applause]
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
♪ ♪
- There's an old African saying:
If you keep quiet for long enough,
you can hear a new Democrat joining the president race.
[laughter]
Did you hear that? Another one just joined.
- Brand-new Democrat in the race for the White House,
former Texas congressman Beto O'Rourke,
the social media phenom
who lost his race for the senate last year,
joined the growing field just moments ago.
He's campaigning in Iowa today.
- And we have something
that almost no other country in the world has.
We have the single greatest mechanism
to call forth the genius of our fellow human beings.
This democracy,
more than 320 million people strong,
can bring the ingenuity, the creativity,
the resolve of an entire country.
- Yes, that's right.
Beto O'Rourke is officially in the race,
and it's about time
because he'd been teasing us for months.
Yeah, he wouldn't say he was running,
but he was on Oprah,
he was on the cover of "Vanity Fair,"
he released a documentary,
but whenever we asked him if he was running,
he'd answer like a coy Southern belle.
"I might, but a lady never tells."
[giggles mockingly]
And, I mean, obviously, we all saw this coming.
This is the least surprising thing to happen
since we found out Tucker Carlson
said something racist.
And a lot of people-- a lot of people are wondering,
"Why is Beto even running for president
"when he couldn't even beat Ted Cruz?
I mean, he lost."
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, he lost,
"but he lost by a little bit,
which is what people love."
Yeah, it's like "Rocky" or "Cool Runnings"
or "Bad News Bears."
You see, humans are weird.
If you win easily, people hate you,
right, like Tom Brady,
and if you lose by too much, we just think you suck.
But if you lose by just a little bit,
people are like, "That's my guy."
[laughter]
[percussive music]
This year is special
because we're not just hearing from candidates
who make you say, "Who the hell is that?"
We're also hearing from candidates who make you say,
"Remind me who that is again."
- Former Housing secretary Julian Castro
kicked off his campaign for president
in his hometown of San Antonio, Texas.
Castro was mayor of San Antonio
before he joined the Obama administration.
- The American dream is not a sprint...
Or even a marathon,
but a relay.
Together we will show
that hope can be bigger than fear,
that light can be bigger than darkness,
and that truth can be bigger than lies.
And as long as we work for it,
tomorrow will always be better than today,
so let's go work.
Vamonos! [cheers and applause]
[laughter]
- Is it just me
or does Castro sound like he went
to the Obama School of Speech?
[laughter]
Like, same cadence,
same delivery...
maybe it is Obama.
[laughter]
Like, maybe he just got fed up and he was like,
"Uh, screw it. I'll run again.
"Uh...just give me my Hispanic mask
and I'll do it." [laughter]
And they're like, "Sir, no one will fall for that."
He's like, "Uh, that's what you said
about my birth certificate. Let's do it. Come on."
[percussive music]
♪ ♪
- Now, in the 2020 race for president tonight,
make room for one more contender,
Senator Cory Booker announcing his presidential bid today.
Joining the already crowded Democratic field.
Hermana! - [indistinct shouting]
Hola! Como estas?
- His neighbor, cheering him on.
- Okay, uh...
I don't know if I want Cory Booker to be president,
but I do know I want that old woman
to be the neighbor of the president.
[laughter] That is dope.
They should just move her to an apartment
outside the Oval Office.
Every morning, she'll be like, "Senor Trump,
"can you turn your TV down?
It's too loud. My cats cannot sleep."
"Lo siento, Abuela.
Mi amigo, Sean Hannity, es muy loco."
[laughter]
Now, if Cory wins, he obviously wouldn't be
the first African-American president,
but he would make history
as the first president named Cory,
which might be an even bigger achievement.
Yeah.
Cory is not the name of a president.
Cory's the name of the hot guy in high school
who now runs his dad's gas station.
That's what that is. [laughter]
Although, I will say,
he's already got one advantage on Trump.
He's windproof. That'll work.
[percussive music]
♪ ♪
Of all the candidates in the race,
the frontrunner right now is someone
who isn't even running yet,
a 76-year-old man with the 12-year-old teeth,
Joe Biden. [laughter]
Now, currently, the former vice president is
putting out feelers to see where he stands,
and, apparently, the answer is too close to women.
- Joe Biden on defense
after a former Nevada state lawmaker said
he made her feel uneasy during an interaction in 2014.
Lucy Flores first made the allegation
in an essay for "The Cut" on Friday
detailing the encounter with the former vice president
at a campaign rally in Nevada
as she ran for lieutenant governor.
- Flores does not believe it was sexual,
but she calls it inappropriate.
- Very unexpectedly and out of nowhere,
I feel Joe Biden put his hands on my shoulders,
get up very close to me from behind,
lean in,
smell my hair,
and then plant a slow kiss
on the top of my head.
- Like, honestly, smelling hair is one of
the creepiest things you can do.
It's on the list of creepy things.
It's right after collecting doll parts
and sneezing with your eyes open.
Achoo.
[laughter]
Sorry. Allergies.
[laughter]
Like--like, this is my thing.
What is it with America's vice presidents?
Right? None of them are normal.
One guys is smelling women's hair.
The other one refuses to be near a woman
without a chaperone.
Isn't there a middle ground?
There's no vice-middle-president, huh?
There's nowhere between "Me Too" and "Handmaid's Tale"?
No someone in between?
But Biden isn't ready to give up, my friends, no.
He's gently grabbing this scandal by the shoulders
and he's doing damage control.
- I'm a tactile politician. I always have been.
That's what gets me in trouble as well.
But I think I can feel and taste what's going on.
- Taste? [laughter and groans]
Taste? We're tasting now too?
[laughter]
Who writes this guy's speeches? Hannibal Lecter?
[laughter]
"I've been all across this great country,
and let me tell you this,
no one more delicious than Iowans."
[clicks tongue rapidly]
♪ ♪
- First thing's first, a lot of people are asking,
"How do you pronounce this guy's name?"
[laughter]
It's pronounced "Pete."
[laughter]
Oh, and as for his last name,
we're still figuring that one out.
- Pete Buttige--
Buttiget--Buttiged.
- South Bend mayor Pete Buttiget--
Buttigeg, I always say.
- Buttijeg. - Buttijeg.
- Indiana mayor Pete Budedig.
- Buttiggeg. - Buttigig.
- Buttigig. - P-Pete Buttigige.
- Peter Buttag, the mayor of Indianapolis.
- [laughs] Buttigieg.
But around South Bend, they just call me Mayor Pete,
and that's fine with me.
- Ah, thank God, Mayor Pete.
We'll take Mayor Pete. We'll take Mayor Pete.
Yeah, 'cause people were really struggling with this one.
It's not Buttiedge,
it's not Buttijay,
and it's definitely not Buttag.
It's Buttigeig.
But now that we're all on the same page
on how to say his name, what has he done?
- For a guy who's only 37,
Pete Buttigieg boosts-- boasts an impressive résumé.
First elected mayor of his hometown at age 29,
a Harvard educated Rhodes Scholar,
as well as a lieutenant in the Navy Reserve.
- Took an unpaid seven-month leave
during his mayoral term
for a deployment to Afghanistan.
- Not only the first openly gay presidential candidate,
he's also a newlywed.
- Would be a president of firsts.
The first to be elected in his 30s,
the first millennial,
the first openly gay commander in chief,
and the first mayor.
- This is the only chance you'll ever get...
- I can see why people are impressed by Buttigieg, right?
He has such a unique bio.
He's a veteran, a Harvard graduate,
and a Rhodes Scholar who's openly gay,
and also so young
that if he served two terms as president,
when he came out, he would still only be 46.
Yeah, plus he's a concert pianist
and speaks seven languages,
including Norwegian,
which he learned just so that he could read Norwegian books.
[laughter]
Compare that to America's current president...
[laughter]
Who has read zero books
and is fluent in zero languages.
[laughter]
Now, if you're watching this going,
"Trevor, why are you only showing us
the positive things about Pete Buttigieg?"
Because that's all we could find, all right?
No, I'm being serious. There's no dirt on this guy.
Like, nothing.
Usually, candidates have some skeletons somewhere,
but even his skeletons are singing his praises.
"He gave me calcium for my bones."
♪ ♪
- The field of president hopefuls is
a little more crowded tonight.
Minnesota's Democratic senator Amy Klobuchar
announcing her bid
during a snowstorm in Minneapolis.
- I stand before you
as the granddaughter
of an iron ore miner,
as the first woman elected
to the United States Senate
from the state of Minnesota...
[cheers and applause]
To announce my candidacy
for president of the United States.
- "Yay.
Can we go home now?" [laughter]
"We can't feel our legs."
Normally, this kind of campaign rollout
would be considered a success, but unfortunately,
her announcement was overshadowed
by some other news.
- All this comes amid a report
that Klobuchar had such a bad reputation
over treatment of staff
that a number of potential staffers withdrew
from consideration to manage her campaign.
- Sources tell the "HuffPost" the senior senator is...
- Her anger left staffers in tears,
she threw papers,
and sometimes even hurled objects,
and one aide was accidentally hit
with a flying binder.
- Wow, throwing binders at her employees?
They need to legalize weed in her office.
[laughter]
So, fresh after her announcements,
the first obstacle to Senator Klobuchar's presidential run
has already presented itself.
How does she respond to the accusations?
Well, not in the way you'd think.
- I am tough.
I push people. That is true.
But my point is that
I have high expectations for myself,
I have high expectations for the people that work for me,
and I have high expectations for this country.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She has high expectations for her staff and this country?
Sounds like if she becomes president,
she's gonna treat everyone in America like her staff.
She's gonna be calling random Americans
at 6:00 in the morning.
"Hey, Brad, why aren't you at work yet?'
"Huh, what? What? I'm sorry, Madam President."
"Oh, you're gonna be sorry."
Then a binder just flies through the window.
[mimics glass breaking, screams weakly]
♪ ♪
- Are you ready for how frivolous
some of the campaign trail is going to be?
Like, I mean, you've seen now people are asking
if people know how to eat fried chicken properly...
- I know. - And, um...
do people know how to eat corn,
and, like, are you ready for that part of it?
Do you think people still like that?
- It's already happened, Trevor. - Yeah?
- So, first of all, let me just say.
I've never run for president of the United States before...
- Right. - So it's a new experience.
And part of the new experience is
all these people will follow
when you go somewhere just to eat,
and, like, when I go somewhere to eat,
it's 'cause I'm hungry,
and I really want to be able to eat,
and, you know, when you have been working
for a long period of time... - Yes, yes.
- And you're really hungry, you can get kind of primal.
[laughter]
Like, "Everybody back the you-know-what off.
I'm hungry," and...
and so I go into this place and it's--
Rodney Scott is his name,
and he's got--in South Carolina.
So South Carolina's got different kinds of regions,
and based on the region, the barbecue sauce is different.
- Oh, okay, I didn't know that. All right.
- Vinegar-based versus,
like, tomato-based versus mustard based.
Okay, so his is vinegar-based,
and his--and his restaurant is just--the food is amazing.
So I'm standing in line,
and there's, like, all this press over there,
and I can hear this whispering by some of the press.
"What's she gonna order? What's she gonna order?
Did she order meat or did she just order, like, a salad?"
right, and I'm like, "Are you kidding me?"
First of all,
why would that be a debatable
or even a subject of discussion...
- Right, right.
- When we are dealing with mass issues--
like, massive issues in our country?
We're dealing with issues of massive inequality.
We are dealing with the concern
that we've got a president embarrassing us in Munich.
We've got so many things to talk about,
but yet they are talking abou-- - Yes, but did you order the--
did you order the-- - Pulled pork, man.
I had pulled pork.
[laughter]
Are you kidding me? - We wanna know.
♪ ♪
- Out of all the candidates,
there's only one I can see myself in.
- I'm Andrew Yang,
and I'm running for president as a Democrat in 2020.
- He's a successful businessman,
and I don't know if it's the cut of his suits
or the way he lights up a room,
but there's just something about this guy
that makes me want to vote for him
based on zero research.
Okay, so you're Asian,
you're running for president,
What else is there to know?
- Uh, my platform.