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  • Good morning, John.

  • I’m using a tripod for support so I don’t fall over.

  • Goodness, jet lag is real.

  • I was staying at a very nice hotel in Melbourne.

  • It was part of the Pan Pacific hotel chain.

  • Ever stayed at a Pan Pacific? Theyre so nice!

  • Beautiful view out over the river; soft, satin sheets

  • I don’t know what satin is.

  • Probably they were cotton, but nice cotton.

  • Cotton that grew out of the ground with one hope in its little cotton brain: to make me happy.

  • Melbourne was super nice.

  • The whole experience of VidCon Australia was so nice. I love Australians. It was so great.

  • But, John.

  • Back to this hotel for a second.

  • There was a bathtub and a shower.

  • Like, this was a nice place.

  • The art in the—I’m sorry I didn’t take any video.

  • What do you expect? What am I? A professional video—I am.

  • I am.

  • Here’s the thing: Toilet paper was a miserable disgrace.

  • I get that if I’m like at Walmart and I have to poo that I’m gonna be touching my butt with the worst thing ever.

  • I’m not happy about it, but that’s the sitch.

  • It’s Walmart.

  • I used to work at Walmart.

  • People like would go in and take all of the toilet paper off the roll with them home.

  • I replaced the toilet paper rolls, and I knew that like, okay, it’s been 2 hours.

  • Somebody filled their backpack with the Walmart toilet paper, and they left.

  • Okay, that’s a way to save some money that I had not thought of.

  • That’s why Walmart doesn’t have nice toilet paperbecause people will take it.

  • But this was a very nice hotel!

  • Do Australians just have like iron butts?

  • Raise your hand if you got like a butt problem.

  • I just want you to know that youre not the only one.

  • A lot of people just raised their hands.

  • There are a lot of butt problems.

  • I don’t think that we should be ashamed of them.

  • There’s hemorrhoids.

  • There’s anal fissures.

  • You don’t wanna be ashamed of that one, but you also don’t really wanna say it out loud.

  • And so many people have IBD.

  • Like, the more you go to the bathroom, the more chance of just pant-area unpleasantness.

  • And you gotta get clean, and we don’t have bidetscause it’s America.

  • In Europe, they got bidets for daysis something I just wanted to say.

  • And I think maybe a lot of people who don’t have butt problems aren’t aware that that can be the worst.

  • A single bad toilet paper experience can ruin like days of my life.

  • Like, walking becomes a thing that I like, I don’t wanna do that.

  • And I’ve developed some techniques and strategies.

  • It’s good to have like a—like a little tube of, I don’t know, basically diaper rash cream.

  • A little lubrication for yourthis is your butt cheeks right here.

  • There are your butt cheeks Your bootious what cheeks

  • Get some ? then make an appointment and then irritation as you strut cheeks

  • Your butt cheeks These hands are your butt cheeks

  • The motion I’m making is a simulation of the action of both of your butt cheeks

  • These are your butt cheeks

  • Maybe I should go the next step, and I should take my like ultra soft Downy or whatever with the bears thattheyre so happy about how butts are very clean,

  • whatever those bears are.

  • I basically buy toilet paper the opposite of how I order food when I’m at a restaurant

  • and I open the menu and I’m like, “This is too much!” and I just pick the cheapest thing.

  • Toilet paper’s the opposite of that.

  • I just buy the most expensive toilet papercause I assume that theyve done something.

  • It’s confusing, though, right, ‘cause sometimes it’s like, “Double the length of roll!” and youman, I don’t know.

  • I don’t know!

  • Give me like a per-yard cost!

  • Youre making it intentionally confusing.

  • I understand!

  • That’s how profit works.

  • Step 1, make a product.

  • Step 2, confuse the consumer.

  • Woo woo woo ah ah!

  • Step 3, profit.

  • I get it.

  • It works for the American medical system.

  • Oh you guys are gonna have to get some salve for that burn, which you will charge yourselves way too much for.

  • Anyway, I understand that it’s capitalism.

  • In our home lives, we don’t see the 20% or 40% premium that were paying for nicer toilet paper.

  • But a business, especially one that buys a lot of toilet paper is gonna see that as a huge and important expense

  • that theyre gonna want to eliminate at the cost of people with butt problems having a good day.

  • John, I will see you on Tuesday.

  • This was weird.

Good morning, John.

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B1 中級

我的屁股對澳洲有一些抱怨 (My Butt Has Some Complaints About Australia)

  • 3 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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