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VOICE From the studio that nearly
destroyed the X-Men franchise with "The Last Stand," comes the film
that destroyed your favorite X- Man...
VOICE (CONT'D) Wolverine
VOICE (CONT'D) Journey to 1970's Canada, where
everyone dresses like it's 2009.
VOICE (CONT'D) And no one has a Canadian accent.
VOICE (CONT'D) Witness Marvel's most hardcore
character get completely neutered in his own extremely, boring movie
VOICE (CONT'D) Watch as Wolverine's centuries of
war are glossed over in one montage to instead make time for
things no one wants to see Wolverine do:
VOICE (CONT'D) Go on dates!
VOICE (CONT'D) Chop wood!
VOICE (CONT'D) Get stuck in traffic!
VOICE (CONT'D) And fumble around in the bathroom!
VOICE (CONT'D) And if you thought they could only
ruin Wolverine - wait until you see what they did with Deadpool...
VOICE (CONT'D) The "merc with the mouth" - gets
his mouth removed, and trades his cool costume for eight-minute abs
and magic eye shadow - Oh and he also gets a grab-bag of random
mutant powers that Deadpool never had.
VOICE (CONT'D) Are we sure that Brett Ratner
didn't direct this?
VOICE (CONT'D) Get excited when they introduce fan-
favorite Gambit!
VOICE (CONT'D) Then get immediately disappointed
when you realize that he's only in the movie for 5 minutes.
VOICE (CONT'D) Instead spend time with some of the
lamest mutants you've never heard of...
VOICE (CONT'D) Wraith
VOICE (CONT'D) Agent Zero
VOICE (CONT'D) Bolt
VOICE (CONT'D) And Silverfox?
VOICE (CONT'D) Wow Marvel, really scraping the
bottom of the barrel huh.
VOICE (CONT'D) Prepare to learn the origin of
boring Wolverine facts like...
VOICE (CONT'D) Where he got his jacket.
VOICE (CONT'D) And the super boring story behind
his nickname.
VOICE (CONT'D) Blah blah blah blah blah.
VOICE (CONT'D) Ugh. Really?
Strap in for an action movie with
effects so bad...it barely looks
better than the leaked rough cut
everyone pirated online.
Featuring...
VOICE (CONT'D) This horrible CGI camera trick
VOICE (CONT'D) This weird CGI ladder.
VOICE (CONT'D) This awful CGI facelift.
VOICE (CONT'D) And unforgivably terrible CGI claws
VOICE (CONT'D) That somehow look worse than the
first three X-men movies.
VOICE (CONT'D) So get ready to crank up the volume
in one of the shout-iest. Films. Ever.
VOICE (CONT'D) RAAARAAAARGH this movie sucks.
VOICE (CONT'D) Starring...
VOICE (CONT'D) X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
VOICE (CONT'D) Why can't you movie studios just get along? America needs to see Wolverine fight the Hulk...right?
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