Shut up!!!

閉嘴啦！

Hey, mom, I'm just calling to let you know that I won't be able to make it to dinner.

嘿，媽，我打給你是要跟你說，我不會回家吃晚餐。

I have to go this stupid party that Anthony's throwing.

我要去 Anthony 辦的蠢派對。

I'll talk to you later, love you—not really though—bye.

晚點再跟你說，愛你，呃其實還好，掰啦。

What the hell is that?!

這是什麼鬼？

Welcome my murder mystery party!

歡迎來到我的謀殺謎團派對！

What're you talking about?

你在說什麼？

You've been invited to help me solve one of the most complicated mysteries of all time.

你被邀請來幫我解決史上最複雜的謎題之一！

Who killed that mailman?

誰殺了郵差先生？

Oh, that's a woman, so it's a mailwoman.

喔，這是個女人，所以是郵差小姐。

Mailman!

郵差先生啦！

Okay, mailwoman just sounds weird.

郵差小姐就是聽起來很怪。

Have you ever heard anyone say that?

你有聽過別人這樣說嗎？

No, don't be stupid, it's mailman!

沒有啊，所以不要耍笨，是郵差先生！

So is she really dead?

所以她真的死了？

Yeah, of course she is.

對啊，當然死了。

Come on, man, this is so exciting.

拜託兄弟，這太刺激了。

It's like we're part of a real mystery!

就像我們是真實謎團的一部分一樣！

Uh, no we're not.

呃，我們不是。

You were here alone and you're covered in blood.

你一個人在這裡，而且你渾身是血。

I fell down the stairs.

我從樓梯上摔下來。

We don't have stairs in this house.

這間房子又沒有樓梯。

Yeah, dude, that's part of the mystery!

兄弟，這就是謎團的一部分啊！

Okay, it's not a mystery.

別鬧了，這不是謎團。

You obviously killed her.

很明顯是你殺了她。

Look!

看！

A clue!

有個線索！

Look at this!

看看這個！

It's a footprint.

這是一個腳印。

It looks like a size nine.

看起來像是九號的大小。

Yeah, it looks just like your shoe print.

看起來就是你的鞋印啊！

Ah, no, this is the most popular type of shoe on the planet.

不是啊，這是地球上最受歡迎的鞋款。

Plus, they're actually really comfortable to murder people while wearing them.

而且，在謀殺人的時候穿很舒服。

Not that I would know that.

我只是猜的啦！

See, you basically just admitted you murdered her.

你基本上根本已經承認你殺了她。

Oh my God, dude, it's another clue!

噢天啊，老兄，這裡有另一條線索！

Oh my God!

天啊！

It says: "Another person will die within the next 64 seconds."

上面說：「在六十四秒內，有個人會死掉。」

Dude, that's your handwriting.

老兄，這就是你的字跡。

Uh, no, judging by this handwriting, this man is obviously a criminal genius!

呃，才不是，根據這筆跡，這男人根本是犯罪天才！

Okay, just get up.

隨便啦，起來。

This is the invite you gave me to your party!

這是你給我的派對邀請函！

It's a perfect match!

兩個根本長一樣！

I never sent you an invite.

我從來沒給過你邀請函。

Hmm, this man must've meticulously studied my handwriting, and then perfectly forged it so it could invite you here so you could be the next victim!

這個人肯定刻意研究我的字跡、偽造筆跡，利用我把你引誘到這裡來，你就能成為下個受害者！

Okay, who's to say it was a man?

好，誰說謀殺者一定是男生？

I mean, women can be killers too.

我的意思是，女人也可能是殺人兇手。

No, well, statistically speaking, most serial killers are single, lonely white males.

好吧，就數據上來說，大多數的連續殺人犯都是單身、孤單的白人男性。

Oh, so basically you.

噢，基本上就是你啊。

Well, no, actually most people think I'm Mexican so I don't...

並沒有，其實大部份的人都以為我是墨西哥人，所以我不...

No, Anthony, it's definitely you!

才不是，Anthony，絕對是你殺人的！

I don't know why you killed the mailwoman, but—

我不知道你為何殺了郵差女士，但是...

Mailman!

是郵差先生！

Mail... MAN.

先！生！

Thank you.

謝謝你

But either way, I'm gonna have to call the cops.

但不管如何，我要報警。

But I didn't do it.

但不是我做的。

I swear!

我發誓！

Okay, then who did it?

好吧，那是誰做的？

I don't know.

我不知道。

Maybe that guy.

也許是那傢伙。

Hey, I got an invite to a party here.

嘿，我收到派對邀請函。

Something about hot grills, a barbecue or somethin'?

跟辣「ㄐㄧ」、BBQ有關的東西？

No, dude, that clearly says "hot girls!"

才不是咧老兄，上面清楚寫著「辣妹」！

Can you not read?

你不識字嗎？

Is that a dead body?

那是一具屍體嗎？

Yes.

對。

No!

才不是！

I'm callin' the cops 'cause I'm not going to jail for y'all—

我要報警，我才不要因為你們去坐牢...

What the sh*t is this?!

這又他 X 的是什麼鬼！

The power must've gone off during the raging storm.

在風暴中電力肯定被切斷了。

Dude, it's completely sunny outside.

老兄，外面超級晴朗好嗎？

Where the hell did a bookshelf come from?

書架又是從哪來的？

We don't even own books.

我們家根本沒有書。

And I barely know how to read.

而且我根本不知道怎麼閱讀。

What?

啥？

Okay, so he must've been trying to escape 'cause we found out that he was the killer, right?

好，所以他一定正試圖逃跑，因為我們發現他是殺人兇手，對吧？

And then he ran and bumped into the bookshelf, and it fell on him.

然後他跑著跑著撞到書架，書架就砸到他身上。

It killed him.

書架殺了他。

Or you just killed him because you saw him trying to dial 911, which is what I'm gonna do right now.

或者是你殺了他，因為他正在報警，也就是我現在要做的事。

Wait, look!

等等，看那邊！

Mmm, I'm really getting that stretch on!

我要好好伸展！

I bet that's the killer!

我賭那才是殺人兇手！

Come on, man, grab your camera and get a picture before she escapes.

拜託，快點拿你的相機，在她逃跑前照張相。

Dude, she's just some girl getting her stretch on.

老兄，她只是正在熱身的女生。

Or that's exactly what she wants you think.

這也許就是她要你相信的事。

Okay, come on, man, grab your camera and get a picture!

好啦，快點拿相機拍照！

All right, all right.

好啦。

Seriously?

認真的嗎？

See, she was the killer, all right?

看吧，她就是殺人兇手，對吧？

Okay, then why is she dead?

很好，那她為什麼死了?

Uh... she was so overcome with guilt that she killed herself?

呃...因為她負疚感太深所以自殺？

Oh my God.

天啊，老兄。

Dude, that's the worst excuse ever.

這是史上最糟的藉口。

Just come clean!

就承認吧！

You murdered all these people.

你謀殺了這些人。

I'm your best friend, man.

我是你最好的朋友欸。

Come on, you're just gonna have to believe me.

拜託，你一定得相信我。

Sorry, dude, there's no other option.

抱歉兄弟，沒有其他可能選項了。

Oh, really?

噢，真的嗎？

Mom?!

老媽？！

He wasn't the killer at all.

他根本不是殺人兇手。

It was me!

是我！

So, wait, you're not actually dead, but you really did invite that guy over and kill him, and also that random girl stretching outside?

等等，所以你根本沒死，你邀請那傢伙然後殺了他，你也殺了外面做伸展的女生？

That's correct.

沒錯。

Wait, were you gonna kill me too?!

等等，你也要殺了我嗎？

Hadn't decided yet.

還沒決定耶！

Wait, why did you do all this?

你為什麼要做這些事？

To teach you boys a valuable lesson.

為了給你們寶貴的教訓。

A valuable lesson about what?

關於什麼的寶貴教訓？

I don't know.

我不知道。

Didn't think it through that far.

沒想得那麼遠。

Did you boys learn something?

你們有學到什麼嗎？

I learned that my mom's a murderer.

我學到我媽是殺人兇手。

And I learned that your mom is apparently really good at covering me in blood without me noticing.

我學到你媽媽顯然很會把我弄得渾身是血，而且我根本就沒注意到。

Good enough.

很好。

See?

看吧？

Told you I wasn't the killer.

就跟你說我不是兇手。

I should've never doubted you, man.

我從來就不該懷疑你的，兄弟。

Ugh, dude, where do you think she got this blood?

呃，老兄，你覺得這些血她從哪弄來的？

Killed two hookers!

殺了兩個妓女！

Mom!

老媽！

Remember to always trust your friends and never trust your parents because they probably just murdered some random hookers.

記得，永遠都要相信朋友、不要相信父母，因為他們有可能剛剛隨機殺了一些妓女。

Well, I guess I have killed a few hookers myself.

好吧，我猜我也殺過一些妓女。

What the f*ck?!

什麼鬼？！

Never mind, don't trust your friends either.

算了，連朋友都不要相信。

Don't trust anyone, I guess.

就不要相信任何人了。

You're all alone.

你很孤獨。

Sorry.

抱歉囉！

Hey, guys, thank you so much for watching this video.

嘿，謝謝觀看影片的各位。

It was totally based in real life.

這完全是根據真實事件改變。

I know, it's crazy.

我知道，真的很瘋狂。

My mom's a murderer.

我媽是個殺人犯。

I did not know that was a real thing until last week.

直到上星期，我才知道這是真的。

Just in case you guys didn't know, the new season of Smosh Babies just came out, so if you wanna check that out, click the video on the right.

以免你們不知道，Smosh Babies 最新一季剛出來，如果你們有興趣的話，點右上角的影片。

Whoa, you poop Nutella now?

哇，你能大出榛果巧克力醬？

Can I try some?

我可以試吃嗎？

Tastes like soiled diaper.

吃起來就像沾了土的尿布。

And to see bloopers from this video and this...

如果要看這支影片的 NG 片段......

I am so glad no one's around to hear me fart.

幸好沒人聽見我放屁。

Click the video on the left.

點左邊的影片。

And click that little subscribe button 'cause if you're subscribed, you're not gonna get murdered.

最後一定要按下訂閱紐，因為如果你有訂閱，就絕對不會被謀殺。