Long time no see, it's me I'm Micaela I'm Micaela. It's, it's my name.

And I am here with my bi-annual video update! I made the decision to not be online while

I was kind of figuring out my life and dating because I think it's really

really weird to be accessible on the internet when you're trying to meet

people for the first time in real life I really just wanted to meet people as I

was and not know that they could just go home and like see the latest upload to

see what I was thinking or feeling or what I was going through.

Making these videos back when nobody was watching them it felt like a

safe place to be very public and like open about my feelings but now I have to

be very careful because you really don't know who's watching and you don't know

who's watching with intentions that are not good. So, I don't know if that

makes sense but I really just wanted to like the privacy to work through a new

start and sort of find my own identity outside of "Oh that's Micaela, she

makes some videos on the internet", and like stuff like that. So, yeah, that's what

I've been doing and, oh my god, dating is a trip. I hate it.

Would not recommend it. Don't date, dating sucks. Don't go on tinder.

Bumble sucks, it's awful, it's awful. I've been there and I have horror stories one of

them which I want to share with you today just because I think it's really

interesting as a non-japanese person who has lived in Japan for a long time, and I

think you guys might find this story interesting as well?

There was this guy and he started working at a restaurant that I went to a

lot with my friends and he was hafu (he was half Japanese half American) and I

thought oh man this guy's really cute and he's bilingual and -- this is me

projecting, I assumed that we would have a lot in common.

(As two people who don't physically look Japanese but who could speak both

languages) and so I was really interested in getting to know this guy better he

had just moved to the city and he had never really done any exploring in

Fukuoka City so I offered to drive him to Itoshima because I wanted to be

a helpful tour guide and I was feeling really good about this plan I was like,

"Awesome! This is something that I know really well! I know Fukuoka! I know tourism

really well, and I love food, I like driving, like -- I can do this! I'm gonna

pull off the best date ever! And I was so excited the morning of, it was

beautifu,l it was sunny, it was gonna be a perfect day driving around the beach.

I go to pick him up and we are driving out to Itoshima, we got to the restaurant,

and everything just like tumbled from there. What happened was -- he is a half

American, half-Japanese person who came from Tokyo where, culturally, I am

assuming, there are a lot more mixed ethnicity people, and he was down in

Kyushu, out of the city. And me living here, I DO know what to expect, I walked

into this restaurant and they greeted us kind of with a fear-stricken face

because they don't speak English and they fumbled around a bit and then

handed us an English menu and basically just gestured for a seat and told us

they like go sit down and this is something that I'm used to now. It's been

years, I'm so used to it, I know that that's how it is. I know it's not their

fault I know that showing up in the countryside somewhere, until I say

something in Japanese, they're going to be afraid that I'm not gonna understand

anything, and that's just how it is. Especially when you look like me.

So for me this kind of experience happens wherever I go, and I'm used to it,

and I know now that if I kind of wander off the beaten path and I pop into a

restaurant they're gonna look at me because they're not sure what language

to speak to me and until say something in Japanese. That

happens, and that's fine. But I think when you're hafu, when

you're mixed ethnicity in Japan it can go either way. So if you hang out with a

lot of Japanese people you will be assumed "Japanese," but if you are seen

with someone white as the f*cking moon,

they're going to assume that you don't speak Japanese. That like, ruined our

whole day basically. He was upset at how he was treated at the restaurant, he didn't

like that we were handed an English menu, in spite of the fact that we both

speak Japanese, he didn't like that the chairs were too short because he has

long legs, he did not like that the staff were staring at us, and it kind of made

me feel bad. Because I know that for him, if he were surrounded with Japanese

people or if he was on a date with a Japanese woman he wouldn't have been

treated the way that he was treated being seen with me. I know that me being

next to him was kind of the thing that switched their brains to - "oh no -

foreigners! What do we do?" and I felt like really insecure in

that moment, and I felt really bad because I was SO excited to take

this guy out and show him a good time, but basically from that restaurant and

that initial greeting and the way that we were like kind of just thrown into

the restaurant and treated kind of like something that they were afraid of,

it really put him in a bad mood. And I was like "oh no, oh no" and so I said "okay,

well I'm sorry, let's just eat and get out of here real quick."

I took him to this pudding place which I really like, I've been a

few times, I really like it, but we got there and we got pudding, we walked

arounda and he was like "I don't know this place is weird I don't like it."

a

Anyway he didn't like the pudding place, and so I said "Alright, well let's find

somewhere else to go! If you don't like it, we can hop in the car and go

"somewhere else!!" and he goes "can you STOP trying to drag me place to place?"

"Just because I don't like somewhere, doesn't mean we have to leave!" I was like

I'm I'm just trying to show you a good time I'm just trying to be a

good host, and get through this day unscathed, and he was like, "you care too

much about what people think". which is probably true. A lot of it was

probably true. I think I was trying really hard to just like be good and

have fun and like have a good day? Maybe I'm too sensitive but at that point

I actually started crying and I was like "I just wanna go home, holy shit."

After that date, I did a lot of thinking. I deleted tinder, I deleted bumble, I was

like, " I'm not -- I'm not even gonna get out there." and started reading this book!

I'm really glad I read the book and it helped identify a lot of things

that I need to work on and I still feel like I need to work on, but it also

opened me up to new possibilities, because I never realized that having

a relationship isn't *supposed *to be emotionally draining all the time?

I thought like getting over "that emotional drainage" was what love

was, it was like "pushing through all the sad and pushing through all the

frustration" BUT a healthy relationship, apparently -- it's not supposed to feel

that way! So if you're like me, maybe you need to hear that? Yeah, it was really a

good time to reflect on my behaviors and how my behaviors kind of influenced the

outcome of my bad decisions. So I've been trying to make better decisions.

I've been trying to be healthy, yeah, recently I have been dating someone

who is actually very secure, very secure, and very calm -- never gets angry

never raises their voice, very gentle and loving and sweet, and he's a

very good person. So I'm hoping it goes well. I'm not gonna talk too much about

it right now, but we have fun, and everything is really nice, and I hope

that it's this nice for a very long time. Hi Lon! (Meows)

Anyway so that's where we are now.

Yeah, I don't know -- Hello! Look who came to visit!

Now, um, it's hard to know

what the future is gonna look like. I know that I'm here this year my visa is

until 2021, and um ... both pets are here.

So as far as this year, I know

that I'm definitely staying in Japan, I don't know what I'm gonna do

past 2021, that's when my visa expires, and I could apply for PR or I could

apply to just extend my visa another three years, but I'm not sure what I'm

going to do right now. Just because I feel like, things changed so quickly

lately, and it hasn't actually reached a point where I feel comfortable like "Okay

maybe things are gonna stay like this for a while." Everything is always

changing so who knows how I'm gonna feel in a year and a half? But for the time

being I'm definitely here this year, and I'm looking forward to doing all the

things that I want to do while I'm here. I hope that this is the year that my

parents finally come to visit! I hope that this is the year that I finally go

to Hokkaido for the first time! I hope that this is the year that I get to do

all the things that I want to do! And I'm gonna work really hard to make it happen.

For the next month, at least, I know I have a few travel videos lined up, and I

will try to keep you posted on little life update things as well in between. If

there's anything that you want to know, let me know in the comments! If you have

any terrible dating stories, you can leave those in the comments - it might

be extremely cathartic for those of us who have also been through some tough times.

Alright guys, thanks for listening. Talk to you again soon. Bye!

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