You guys realize Valentine's Day is just a commercial holiday?

你們有發現情人節只是一個商業節日嗎？

It means nothing!

沒有任何意義！

Have you guys even heard of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre?

你們有沒有聽過情人節大屠殺？

It's not a fun holiday!

這並不是個好玩的節日！

Oh, please, with this naaahhhh! You guys are just showing your love through hollow capitalism.

噢，拜託，你們這樣只是在透過空虛的資本主義來表現你們的愛。

How was no one else seeing this?

怎麼沒人這樣想呢？

Dude, chill out.

冷靜點，老兄。

It's obvious you're just cynical because you're completely alone.

很明顯你只是因為完全孤單一個人才這麼厭世。

Oh, oh. Well joke's on you, buddy 'cause no one loves me every day.

噢，好笑的是你，因為沒有人會每天愛我。

Boom!

看吧！

Every Valentine's Day ever.

年年情人節都一樣。

Can I help you find something?

需要幫您找些什麼嗎？

Um, I'm kind of in a weird situation.

呃，我現在的情況有點怪。

You see, I've only been dating this girl for like a week, so it's not really that serious.

聽著，我和這個女生大概只約會一個星期，所以還沒那麼認真。

Do you have anything that doesn't say "I love you" on it? 'Cause we're not we're not there yet.

你們有沒有不是大大寫著「我愛你」的東西？因為我們還沒到那個程度。

Oh, of course. We have the perfect selection for that.

噢，當然。我們有最適合的商品。

How about a regular teddy bear?

一般的泰迪熊怎樣？

Yeah, that's perfect. There's no declarations of love. Yeah, that's perfect. Thanks.

對，完美！沒有愛的宣言，真完美，謝了。

Go get her, tiger.

去迷倒她吧！

Shoo.

去。

Okay.

好喔。

Oh!

噢。

Um, I know like we've only gone a couple dates.

呃，我知道我們只約過幾次會。

But I figured you know it's tradition and everything so I got you a little Valentine's Day present.

但我想說是傳統什麼的，所以就為你準備了一個小小的情人節禮物。

Aw...

噢...

I love you.

我愛你。

Oh...

噢。

Didn't know that it talked... awkward.

我不知道它會講... 好尷尬。

And if you didn't love me, too, I'd kill myself.

如果你不愛我，我就會自殺。

And then kill you.

然後再殺掉你。

Every Valentine's Day Ever.

年年情人節都一樣。

Babe? Where are you?

寶貝，你在哪裡？

Follow the trail!

跟著花瓣路徑走。

What's all this?!

這些是什麼？

Well, you know, I thought I'd pick up a couple roses pick apart their decaying carcasses and spread them around the house in hopes that you would sleep with me.

嗯，我想說可以買幾朵玫瑰，把慢慢腐爛的花朵殘骸剝開灑在家中四處，希望你會跟我上床。

Well, I don't know why I'm interpreting these actions as a romantic gesture instead of something a complete psychopath would do, but I gotta admit I'm pretty horny right now.

嗯，我不知道為什麼我會把這些動作視為浪漫的表現，而不是瘋子才會做的事，但我得承認我現在很飢渴。

Cool!

很棒。

I love that your head is spaghetti and I get to eat it.

我好愛你的頭髮就像義大利麵一樣，我可以吃掉。

Happy Valentine's Day.

情人節快樂。

- It's August. - Oh.

- 現在八月。 - 噢好吧。

Yo, why are there flowers on the table?

欸，為什麼桌上有花？

Oh, Dad bought them for Mom.

爸爸買給媽媽的。

Wait a minute.

等一下。

Danny, what day is it?

Danny，今天是什麼日子？

I don't know, Manny, some random weekday in February.

Manny，我不知道，就只是二月的某個平日。

Oh my god.

天啊。

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!

今天是情人節！

We got to get out of here!

我們一定要離開這裡！

Hey, no leaving the house past sundown.

嘿，太陽下山後不可以出門。

She's talking to us while she's doing it!

她在竟然邊做邊和我們講話！

Why couldn't they just wait till we were asleep!?

他們為什麼不等到我們睡著！？

Who bought me flowers?

是誰買花給我？

I did, for myself.

我買的，是給我自己的。

The way I would kill myself is with a knife.

我會用刀子自殺。

And the way I'd kill you is with the same knife.

然後我會用同一把刀殺死你。

Okay, maybe if you just press them again, it'll say something not so crazy.

好，可能你再按一次它就不會說出這麼瘋狂的事了。

The blood from my body would then mix with the blood from your body, which would bind our souls for eternity.

這樣我身體的血和你身體的血就會混和在一起，這會把我們的靈魂永遠綁在一起。

Son of a bitch.

可惡。

- Let's touch butts! -Yeah!

- 我們來摸屁股吧！ - 耶！

Tonight was so perfect.

今晚真完美。

Delicious and expensive thick hearty steaks.

好吃而且很貴的厚實牛排。

More than enough red wine.

過多的紅酒。

And then a whole box of those heart-shaped chocolates filled with I don't even know

還有一整盒心形巧克力，裡面的餡是什麼我甚至都不知道。

And now we can engage an entire night of rigorous and passionate lovemaking.

然後我們現在可以投入一整晚激烈熱情的歡愛。

Mmm-hmm.

嗯嗯。

- You still want to? - Uh-huh. - Right. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

- 你還想要嗎？ - 嗯。 - 對。 - 沒錯。 - 好。

- Cool. You? - Oh, yeah. I'm so excited.

- 很棒，你呢？ - 噢，我超興奮的。

You're not too full?

你不會太飽嗎？

No, I feel fine.

不會，我覺得很好。

I'm just gonna turn off this light and we're gonna...

我來關個燈我們就來...

Happy Valentine's Day.

情人節快樂。

Yeah, we're good singers.

對呀，我們唱得真好。

Happy Valentine's Day. You too. Okay, bye.

情人節快樂，你也是。好，掰掰。

Oh, must be from my husband Michael.

噢，一定是我老公 Michael 寄的。

Oh, to Julie.

噢，Julie 收。

Oh, from my husband Michael probably.

噢，大概是我老公 Michael 寄的。

Oh! Sarah... okay.

噢，Sarah 收... 好吧。

This is definitely from my husband Michael.

這一定是我老公 Michael 寄的。

Oh, see? From Michael... to... Julie.

看吧，Michael 緘... Julie 收。

Hang on. There's something else from Michael.

等等，Michael 還有寄其他東西。

Divorce papers!?

離婚證書？

You've been served.

你被傳喚了。

Happy Valentine's Day

情人節快樂。

Bee mine.

你是我的甜蜜蜜。

Get it,'cause I'm dressed like a bee?

懂嗎？因為我扮成蜜蜂。

If I found out you didn't love me, and I didn't have a knife nearby, I'd kill myself with two guns.

要是我發現你不愛我，然後我手邊又沒有刀子，我就會用兩支槍自殺。

Okay, maybe just stop pressing it.

好，可能就別再按了。

I'd put both of them to my head and pull the triggers at the same time.

我會把兩把槍都抵在頭上，然後同時扣下板機。

The bullets would hit each other and fuse together in my brain, just like you and me should fuse together forever.

兩顆子彈就會在我腦中相撞並熔合在一起，就像你我應該永遠融合在一起一樣。

Okay, Jesus. I can return it okay?

夠了，老天，我可以拿去退貨好嗎？

I love you, Rachel. Do you love me?

Rachel 我愛你，你愛我嗎？

Say you love me, say you love me, say you love me.

說你愛我，說你愛我，說你愛我。

I'll kill myself and you if you don't love me. Say you love me.

如果你不愛我，我就自殺然後殺掉你。說你愛我。

I fu***** love you.

我他 X 的愛死你了。

Every Valentine's Day Ever.

年年情人節都一樣。

Happy Valentine's Day, Shane.

Shane，情人節快樂。

Oh, happy Valentine's Day, Ian.

噢，情人節快樂，Ian。

Wow, you know, it'd just be super if everyone went checked out Every First Date ever by clicking the box on the left.

哇，如果大家都按下左邊的框框去看「初次約會都一樣」就太好了。

Or to watch Every Elevator Ever by clicking the box on the right.

或是按下右邊的框框去看「電梯都一樣」。

Wow, that just sounds amazing.

哇，聽起來棒呆了。

I'm gonna make out with somebody.

我們要找人來親熱。

I'm right here.

我就在這裡啊。

Oh. Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. Oh wow.

噢，天啊，我的老天啊。喔哇。