♪ How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen ♪

♪La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ - Partay!

That thing is not coming in here.

That thing?

This is how you greet guests at a party?

Let me ask you something.

If I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?

I'm thinking your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

Okay, he was more embarrassed about that than anyone, okay?

And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...

All right, all right; just keep him away from me.

Thank you. Come on, Marcel.

What do you say, you and I do a little mingling?

All right, I'll, uh, catch up with you later.

Look at him.

I'm not saying he needs to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.

Rach, these are for you.

Wiper blades.

I don't even have a car.

I know, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

Okay, Phoebes, your turn.

Ah!

Toilet seat covers!

Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

You guys!

And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.

You got me a cola drink?

And a lemon-lime!

Well, this... this is too much.

I feel like I should get you another sweater.

And last but not least.

They rib for your pleasure.

Phoebe, remember, hey! They're just fulfilling their Christmas⏤

- Destiny. Yes. - Sure.

- All right. - Okay.

Yikes, that one doesn't look very fulfilled.

Oh, that's, uh, that's one of the old ones; he's just taking it to the back.

You keep the old ones in the back?

That is so ageist.

Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.

So, what happens to the old guys?

Well, they go into the chipper.

Why do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

- No, No!

Oh!

No!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, my God!

Merry Christmas!

You saved them!

Guys!

Oh, God, you're the best!

It's like "Night of the Living Dead" Christmas trees.

♪ Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap ♪

♪ Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap ♪

♪ He said, "All you need is to write them a song" ♪

♪ They haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along ♪

♪ No, don't sing along ♪

♪ Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah ♪

♪ Saw Santa Claus; he said "hello" to Ross ♪

♪ And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy ♪

♪ And Rachel and Chandler, has a .... lander! ♪

Happy holidays, everybody!

Thank you, happy holiday.

Now, that's trash, young lady.

No, you can't ⏤ hey!

Stop that young lady; she donated trash!

Hey!

The charity's on fire! Help!

Oh, good, thank you; I need that.

What is this?

It's nine o'clock in the morning!

Okay? It's no big deal.

Important thing to remember: stay cool.

- Got it! - Okay.

Oh, my God, it's just like I dreamed it!

Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform.

What?

The routine!

When the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build us our own platform.

Okay, let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight!

So, do we really need to ask who's going up on the platform next?

Oh, no, you get up there and do that again; exactly like that!

Make sure you get this; Dick will want it for the bloopers show.

I'm the holiday armadillo!

I'm a friend of Santa's, and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas!

What happened to Santa, holiday armadillo?

Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas!

Wow, come in, have a seat...

You must be exhausted coming all the way from... Texas.

Texas?

That's right, Ben!

I'm Santa's representative for all the... Southern states.

And... Mexico!

But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben.

Maybe the lady will help me with these presents.

Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part Jewish.

You are?

Me, too!

Merry Christmas!

What are you doing here, weird, turtle man?

I'm the holiday armadillo, your part Jewish friend.

You sent me here to give Ben some presents, remember?

What?

Did you bring me any presents, Santa?

You bet I did, Ben.

Put it there!

Wow, that is a good one.

Wow, looks like a... like a holiday card, you know, with the tree in the middle, and the... the skaters and the snow.

You know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it; do you wanna... do you wanna send this one out together?

Together, uh... like, to... to people?

Yeah, you know, "Happy holidays, from Mona and Ross."

It'll be cute, okay?

Eh... okay.

I don't... I'm not sure about the whole, uh... the card thing.

Really? Why not?

Uh... se... sending out a... a holiday card together.

I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.

So, can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

- Where are we? - Huh?

You know, like, where are we? Where is this relationship going?

Let's do the card!

- What? - The card!

I think we're there.

Hi, honey, we're all here.

We just want to wish you a merry Christmas.

Aw, merry Christmas; I miss you guys.

So, is it horrible?

Is everybody working really hard?

Ah, well, no, it's just, uh, me and Wendy.

Ah, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?

What?

Well, she... she didn't win.

All right, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.

Well, second prettiest that year.

I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably⏤

Oh, Chandler, stop talking!

The wife says hi.

Ah, fun conversation?

Ah, well, she's got this weird idea that, uh, you know, just because you and I are alone, something's gonna happen.

That be so terrible?

Woo-hoo, back off, missy!

Missy?

I don't know, I'm not used to girls making passes at me.

Wait a minute, am I sexy in Oklahoma?

- I'm married! - So? I'm married.

I'm happily married.

Okay, let me ask you something.

If what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?

Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa where my husband's have sex on a copying machine?

Hey!

What are you doing here?

I wanted to be with you.

I missed you so much.

Hey, hey, uh, who'd you miss the most?

Monica.

Gotcha!