I know that noise is all because it's day nine of 12 Days of Giveaways.

你們會那麼躁動，一定是因為今天是 12 天長假的第 9 天。

I know that.

我知道的。

We'll get to your gifts a little later.

禮物等等再給你們。

First, I want to talk about something that'll help you get through the stress of the holidays... liquor.

首先，我想來談談，可以幫助你們度過假日高壓的東西...酒精。

I'm kidding.

開玩笑的。

I'm talking about reality TV.

我是在講實境節目。

I think that they're starting to run out of ideas for shows.

我覺得他們節目的點子應該枯竭了吧？

There are so many shows that get green-lit.

有那麼多節目被放行。

People like, yep, put that on.

而人們就是，好啊都放給我們看。

I saw one, this is called Wrap Battle, and it's a competitive world of wrapping presents.

我看過一個節目，叫 Wrap Battle，講述一個人人都在包禮物，競爭激烈的世界。

And it gets about as dramatic as you'd think that it would, which is not at all, but boy, they try to make it dramatic.

它試著要讓節目很有張力，但結果一點也不，但，他們盡力了。

Who turned off my hot glue gun?

誰把我的熱熔膠槍關了？

Who did that?

到底是誰？

Uh-oh, sabotage.

噢喔，有人做壞事喔！

Seriously, somebody turned off my hot glue gun.

真的，有人把我的熱熔膠槍關掉。

I want to know who did it.

我想知道誰做的。

I'm not joking.

我沒在開玩笑。

I'm going to find out who did it.

我會找出誰是兇手。

OK.

好喔。

If anybody in this room is going to turn off my hot glue gun, I think it would be Olga.

這房間裡最有可能關掉我熱熔膠槍的人，我想一定是 Olga。

I need to, I just want to tell you that it's not me.

我只想說不是我關的。

I did not like the way you looked at me.

我不喜歡妳看我的方式。

I did not sabotage no one.

我才沒有破壞任何人的作品。

I'm too busy for that.

我自己已經夠忙了。

Your reputation precedes you, and that is not on me.

妳自己有壞名聲，這不能怪我。

Hey, stop it.

嘿，別吵了。

Sure, blame the Russians.

當然，怪俄羅斯人就對了。

Yeah, really, blame her.

真的，怪她啊！

Tune in next week to find out who gets a paper cut.

繼續收看，下週揭曉誰會被紙劃傷。

It's really--

這真是...

Here's how I know when there are too many reality shows.

下面這個，讓我明白實境節目真的太多了。

They've just stopped trying to be real.

多到他們放棄要「實」境了。

This is called South Beach Tow and the acting on this "reality" show is unbelievable.

這齣「實」境節目叫做 South Beach Tow，而裡頭的人真的演很大。

I know what I got to do, ma'am.

我知道我該做什麼。

I'm here to repossess your car.

我是來拖走你的車的。

Hey, Dave!

嘿，Dave！

Lift....

舉起...

Which one is lift?

哪個按鈕是舉起？

You is not going nowhere.

妳哪兒都不能去。

You better get out of my way, and I'm not playing.

最好給我閃開，我沒在開玩笑的。

I'ma back up and I'll do it.

我真的會倒車！

You ain't backing up.

妳才不敢倒車！

Which one is lift?

到底哪個是舉起？

You ain't going nowhere.

妳哪兒都不能去！

Oh!

噢！

Bernice!

Bernice!

Oh, my God!

天啊！

Bernice!

Bernice!

Oh, my God!

天啊！

God damn, I told her I was gonna back up.

靠，我就說我會倒車！

What did you do to Bernice?

妳對 Bernice 做了什麼？

It was an accident.

這是意外！

We gotta go.

我們該走了。

We gotta go.

我們該走了。

Bernice!

Bernice!

Oh, my God.

天啊！

Where are you going?

妳們要去哪？

Get back here!

給我回來！

You killed my friend!

妳殺了我朋友！

I've never driven a tow truck before, but I can't let them get away.

我從沒有開過拖車，但我不能讓她們逃走。

I've got you blocked in.

我把你們擋在裡面了。

Call an ambulance right away.

叫救護車，現在！

I'm going to check on my friend.

我要去看看我朋友。

Bernice!

Bernice!

I thought you were dead.

我還以為妳死了。

I really could watch that 7,000 times.

這個我看 7,000 次也不會膩。

So they're doing something right, because it made me want to watch it.

所以他們一定做對了什麼，因為它讓我想要繼續看。

This next one is a British show called Naked Attraction.

下一個是英劇，叫做 Naked Attraction。

Single people choose a date based on seeing someone from the head down naked.

單身者挑選約會對象，看不到臉，但他們頭部以下全裸。

It's in Britain.

這在英國。

It's completely uncensored, so you see everybody's crumpets.

完全無碼，所以你可以看到他們的那邊。

And--

而且...

We have got six colored pods.

這裡有六個有顏色的艙。

Inside each and every one of them is a gorgeous young man, your Hollywood pinup, that is completely and utterly naked.

每個艙裡面，都有一名年輕帥氣的男子，帥到你會黏在牆上欣賞的那種，而且他們完全裸體。

Natural, muscley arms.

自然、有肌肉的手臂。

A man's arms is-- it goes a long way, it really does.

男生的手很重要，真的。

I know you're slightly obsessed with Titanic.

我知道妳很喜歡《鐵達尼號》。

Yeah.

沒錯。

So we are going to recreate the scene in Titanic where Kate Winslet is like that and Leo has got his arms around her.

所以，我們要來重現《鐵達尼號》的場景，也就是 Kate Winslet 做這個動作，而 Leo 用手環抱她的那幕。

So, anyone who could be your Jack?

好的，誰可以當妳的 Jack?

Maybe be we should try it with orange.

或許在橘色艙的那個。

OK, I'm going to move you this way.

好的，我要把妳移到這裡。

Great.

好。

Back into the pod.

背部進到艙裡。

This is hilarious.

這好好笑。

Arms out like you're flying.

手臂伸出來，就像妳在飛翔。

In you go, orange.

小橘，換你出場。

Jack, I'm flying.

Jack，我在飛欸！

Michelle, how did that feel?

Michelle，感覺如何？

I did get a little touch of his hands.

我有感受到他手的觸感。

Nice, firm, manly hands, so that was nice.

厚實、雄性的手，不錯。

Serious question-- are straight people OK?

認真問一下，直男直女還好嗎？

I'm concerned.

我為你們擔心。

Finally, there's a show somebody told me about called Extreme Love.

最後，有人告訴我一部節目叫做 Extreme Love。

It's about unexpected relationships.

它關於意外的戀愛關係。

And I know I always say, if I have to see it then you have to see it, too, but I'm not sure you're going to want to see it.

我知道，我總是說，如果我得看，你們也得看，但我不確定你們想不想看。

So you can vote, OK?

所以你們可以投票，好嗎？

You have to know a couple of things ahead of time.

先讓你們知道一些事。

It's about a 31-year-old man dating a 91-year-old woman.

是個 31 歲的男子跟 91 歲的女人約會。

Who wants to see it?

誰想看？

OK.

好。

All right.

好吧！

There's open-mouth kissing.

還有濕吻。

Still interested?

還有興趣？

OK.

好吧！

It ends in a hotel room.

結尾在飯店房間結束。

Last chance.

最後的機會喔！

OK.

好吧！

You're all sick.

你們都有病。

Here it is.

給你們看吧！

I enjoy sex, NASCAR and crochet, and a drink, occasionally.

我喜歡性愛、賽車跟編織，偶而喝點小酒。

My older son is 71, and the youngest will be 50 in September.

我最大的兒子 71 歲，而最小的九月就 50 歲了。

The fact that Margie's kids are old enough to be Kyle's parents didn't put him off.

Margie 的孩子已經老到可以當 Kyle 的父母，但這沒有讓他停下。

In fact, he was in hot pursuit of Marge from the moment they met.

事實上，他從見到 Marge 的那一刻，就開始熱烈追求她。

And when he finally got her in bed, Kyle was in for a steamy night.

當他們真的上床，Kyle 度過了一夜春宵。

When I did the first time, I told a girlfriend where I was going to be.

當我跟他第一次上床，我告訴了一個女性朋友。

And then I called her when we were at the motel and said, guess who's tied up, and it's not me.

然後在摩鐵的時候，我又打給她，說「猜猜誰被綁起來了，那人可不是我。」

And he's laying on the bed hollering, help!

他就在床上大喊著救命。

Help!

救命！

I am so, so sorry.

我很抱歉。

You have no one to blame but the people who raised their hands.

你們只能怪那些剛剛舉手的人。